The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[ernknot]

" I will take care of her, why I wil take her to my quarters to ensure her safety - drool dribble -I will look after her until we can get her back to shore. We are only a week away from....................

[Caliban]

everyone recovering from the shock of me not saying 'what'd 'e say?'. So I have aweek of uninterrupted leachery to enjoy!"
With which, he...

[Driver]

...wrapped his gnarled old Leading Artificer's arm around the curvaceous Mademoiselle de Saloon's amidship's region and led her gallantly into his 'tween decks workshop.

Things were going well for the deaf old bastard right up until a ripping sound was heard and - before the highly frustrated joint and several gazes of Groans and the Mademoiselle, that upimself Oirish hoofer, Moichael O'Flatulence materialised. In addition to his normal supercilious expression and tap shoes, Moichael was wearing a floppy beret.

Looking around Groans' workshop, Moichael placed a hand on one hip and said:

"Faith! What a lovely space ye have here!"

There was a stunned silence for no more than a heartbeat. Groans carefully disengaged from the delights of Mademoiselle Claire and seized Moichael by the scruff of his neck and the seat of his pantaloons. He hauled him up the nearest companionway. (Regrettably, several companions were trampled severely in the process, much to their customary discontent). Reaching the maindeck, Groans encountered the imposing bulk of Shorty.

"Shipmate," he said to the enormous Aussie. "Have you Down Under fellas heard of the Code of Practice?"

"Yair, mate. 'Course we have. Got a copy right here."

He pulled a well-thumbed booklet from his pocket and brandished it.

"Good," said Groans. "You'll understand then. This upimself Oirish hoofer just wandered into my workshop (a Shed within the defined meaning of the Code) wearing a floppy beret. He (and I find this difficult to believe) ... he actually called my workshop a...(gulp)... a space!"

"Mate!" exclaimed Shorty. "Let me give you a hand!"

He took firm hold of Moichael's feet and, with a mighty heave, he and Groans flung the hoofer over the taffrail.

("Olé!" from the hamsters).

"Erkk!" followed by a splash from Moichael.

Shorty turned to Groans and ....

[ernknot]

said " Let's have another look at that Cod of Practice and see if there is anything about interfering hoofers and floppy hats" To which Groans complained " What now?? I got things to do in my cabin, I mean this is an oportunity too good to miss, I was just getting right up.............

[Caliban]

close and personal with her naughtiness when I had to deal with his upimselfness and now you want to talk about fish! Bugger you matey, I'm going down...

[Caliban]

to my cabin to read the Code of Practice to find out what breach I've committed that would explain why none of you have bothered to answer for three whole days. Her naughtiness has now gone off the boil thank you all very much!
So it's a sailor's life for me...

[ernknot]

"Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum stick your finger up the....................."

[Driver]

... glottal stop".

"Wha' the hell's a glo'al stop?" asked a passing Scotsman.

"How did he escape from the brig?" demanded Nemo. "He's one of those two Highlanders I told Frontbottom to lock up!"

Nemo was right. Lester McLustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and his factor, Maxwell McKnackerlacquer were there, on the poop, fully kitted out in Highland regalia.

"We're here," said McLustar, "Because of a .....

[ernknot]

"problem with my caber, you see the last time I tossed it something wierd happened......."

[Driver]

However, the crowd on the poop deck didn't get to hear what had happened to McLustar's caber, for he was interrupted in mid-flow.

"CLAP THE KILTED BUGGER IN IRONS!" roared Captain Nemo. "AND HIS BLOODY MATE MAX FACTOR!"

"Noo, noo," said McKnackerlacquer. "Ma name's McKnackerlacquer. No' Max Factor. People often get that wrong." He shook his head with amusement.

That didn't last long.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOUR NAME IS NEBUCHAD- BLOODY-NEZZER!" hooted Nemo. "GET HIM OFF MY POOP DECK. HIM AND HIS KILTED MATE! SPONCRACKER! WHERE ARE YOUR DROIDS?"

Scarcely had the words blasted from Nemo's vocal chords when a phalanx of Sponcracker's robots clattered up the companionway (to the anguished whinging of a bunch of downtrodden companions) and hoisted McLustar and McKnackerlacquer onto their shoulders.

The crowd on the poop got a most unwelcome view of what Scotsmen have beneath their kilts as the droids tramped off in the direction of the brig.

Dogsbreath ...

[ernknot]

thought " If only I had kilt fittings like that" Captain Nemo shouted at Dogsbreath " Comon man get your act together, make sure those kilted madmen are secure in the brig" dogsbreath thought " One day Nemo, I'll......."

[fxst]

turn him back into a penguin and shove down the throat of a killer whale"
Just as the thought had left his mind a killer whale leapt out of the water and grabbed Catain Nemo in its mouth on the way past the bridge. Dogsbreath was sure he saw the whale wink and wave at him. "odd that "thought Dogsbeath 'but I'm sure...........

[Driver]

He didn't get to finish the thought for Groans, distracted as he was by thoughts of unfinished business with Mademoiselle Claire de Saloon, still managed to catch a glimpse of a fast-approaching Japanese whaler off the starboard quarter.

"Whaler off the starboard quarter!" he yelled.

Yes! It was none other than the Sushi Maru. Despite the loss of their erstwhile skipper: Nakalaka-san, the crew of the Sushi Maru had taken once again to their unpleasant trade and - via that beady-eyed little bugger, Eagaroo-Ayee-san, the lookout - had spotted the killer whale as it snatched up Nemo and bore him back into the ocean.

Speeya-Chaka-san the harpoonist was crouched over his bow-mounted weapon, ready to loose off a lance at the merest hint of a target.

He got more than he bargained for.

Directly in the path of the Sushi Maru an enormous conning tower broke the surface. Picked out in two-foot (610mm)-high bronze letters was the name of the gigantic submarine: "Nautilus"

"Aha!" thought Dogsbreath. "So I was right after all about Nemo. He is a descendant of that unscrupulous old submariner."

The crew of the Sushi Maru was galvanized into action by a harsh cry from their master-at-arms:

"Deparoy!" he cried (harshly), "Deparoy catching thing instruments of the Edo era! Fend off broody great submarine-san!"

A small forest of catching thing instruments of the Edo era appeared all down the portside rail of the Sushi Maru. Clasping each catching thing near its foot was a small, tense-looking son of Nippon.

Amid a flurry of salt-laden spray, the killer whale surfaced alongside the Nautilus, with Nemo astride its head, riding the whale like a bronco rider in a rodeo. (He always was a melodramatic bugger, thought Dogsbreath).

"Tell ya what, Shorty," said Dogsbreath. "That Nemo - he always was a melodramatic bugger."

Shorty ...

[fxst]

drained the last of his can, threw it nonchalantly at Groans head which luckily missed him but beaned Staines who collapsed in a heap at Miss Susans feet."bloody good shot there Shorty" said Dogsbreath "but more to the point what do you reckon we should do about that" pointing at Nemo who....

[ernknot]

and said "That can was not empty! Next time make sure you drink it all, I mean beaning Staines is Ok but ..........."