The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[fxst]

when suddenly Roger (vc & bar) said 'theres klingons on the starboard bow starboard bow starbord bow theres klingons on the starboard bow ,Wipe em off Jim"
jim who was at the helm at the time said in a surprised tone..............

[echnidna]

'theres klingons on the starboard bow? starboard bow ? starboard bow ? theres klingons on the starboard bow ? .........

[Driver]

"They don't look like Klingons. They look like ... No! ... It can't be ... No! ..Not that!.... Anything but that...!"

The wheel spun idly as Jim, stricken to his knees by whatever appalling vision he had seen, grasped his head in both hands and sobbed uncontrollably.

Le Clair was Officer of the Watch. He called down the companionway

"Monsieur le Capitaine! Commandeur-Lieutenant Rogerr (VeeCee and Barre) - Ah theenk yew should com to zer breedge, M'sieu! Zere ess somseeng off zer starboard bow zat 'as caused Jeem to deespair!"

Roger emerged. He took in the scene with a sweeping glance. Chocolate was organising Groans to man the helm, Sponcracker and Slartbast were tinkering with a droid's innards and Jim was rolling about the quarter-deck in apparent shock and awe.

Off the starboard bow something was manifestly occurring. Roger reached for his telescope and aimed it at the apparition. He blinked, shook his head, looked again and said, in a low and horrified whisper

"Oh no! Not that! They're not Klingons! They're ... they're (gulp!) ... they're Girl Guides! It's the Fete Worse Than Death!"

The full horror of their commander's revelation hit the crew as a palpable blow. They ...

[craigb]

suddenly had the sickening realisation that they were stuck in The Fete Worse Than Death's tractor beam and were being drawn inexorably into it's foul embrace.

"Alright everyone" said Roger (vc &c) "I shall only say this once"

"Everyone to Panic Stations!"

The crew looked at Roger appalled. All that is except Groans who ......

[Driver]

... was gazing at an apparition that had materialised just aft of the foc'sle.

It was a group of attractive young women wearing trench coats, black berets and ankle socks, led by an even more attractive young woman dressed in similar fashion.

Yes! It was Michelle of the Resistance and her group of hand-picked lovelies.

"Did someone say: "I shall say this only once"?" she asked.

"Well, yes. I think I did," said Roger.

"So what is the nature of your emergency?" asked Michelle.

"Emergency?" Roger was struggling a bit.

"Yes. You spoke the emergency code and summoned us through the Rip!" Michelle looked at Roger narrowly. "You do realise, don't you, that saying "I shall say this only" once is the emergency code. And you also realise that if you say it and you don't have an emergency, you will suffer terrible consequences? You do realise that, don't you?'

"But we do have an emergency! There it is!" he pointed to the Fete Worse Than Death. "We're stuck in its tractor beam!"

"Ah yes," said Michelle. "Girl Guides. That is an emergency. Right. Do you have some form of protective headgear? You'll need it when you come within range of those awful rock cakes and scones."

Roger looked askance.

"Stop looking askance," said Michelle. "And..."

[Caliban]

had obviously missed the cause of Roger's askance looking. For there, just out of her field of vision was our old friends the clog dancing collective, who had appeared when someone had mentioned protective headgear. They were the resident experts on that topic, for they, collectively wore the most potent everything repellent known to any life form: the knickers of the mother farquar.
Roger quivered as Michelle said...

[Driver]

"Listen vary carefoolly! I shall say zees only wence! Stand by to repel boarders!"

And so it was. The tractor beam sucked the Very Little Gravitas Indeed hard up against the Fete Worse Than Death and a shock troop of ferocious Girl Guides swarmed over the starboard rail. Waving their raffle ticket books mercilessly and releasing a devastating fusillade of triple case-hardened rock cakes and scones, they drove the gallant crew back, foot-by-foot across the maindeck.

All seemed lost when Michelle turned to Roger (VC and Bar), shook her raven's wing tresses free of her beret and said

"Listen vary carefooly! I shall say zees only wence! I 'ave a plan. Will you leave it to me to reed you of zeese offal Girl Guides?"

Roger (VC and Bar) gripped her arm, shook himself to overcome a momentary lustful impulse and said:

"Michelle, get rid of these horrible teenage harridans and I shall be forever in your debt!"

Michelle stepped forward and raised her arm in an imperious gesture.

"Stop!" she said, in a high, clear voice. "Stop! We need to talk!"

Everyone paused. Even Groans heard the call. He stopped loading his arquebus with biscuit crumbs (he'd run out of muesli).

Michelle gave a signal to the other Resistance girls. They took off their berets, trenchcoats and ankle socks to reveal that, under their rather dull outer garments, they were dressed in the sort of stylish clothes that young French girls customarily wear.

Michelle walked up to the leader of the Girl Guides, a big lass with cheeks nearly as red as her knees.

"How brave you are," said Michelle.

"Glad you think so, dear," said the GG. "We pride ourselves on our courage."

"Yes," said Michelle. "Eet takes a remarkable level of courage to wear zat parteecular shade of blue with your complexion!"

There was a shocked silence. It lasted for no more than a couple of heartbeats. Then one of the Resistance girls - a lissom and lovely blonde with big blue eyes - stifled a giggle.

That did it. The Girl Guides' leader looked at the assembled ranks of elegant French girls, looked down at her crumpled uniform and wrinkled socks, burst into tears, stamped her foot, threw her raffle tickets onto the deck, turned and fled.

The rest of the Guides, embarrassed beyond tolerance, fled in her wake.

The rout was complete.

Roger (VC and Bar) ...

[Caliban]

knew that he was not out of the woods yet, for he had sold his soul to Michelle. Yet, considering what he'd endured in the earlier part of his career as cabin boy, he thought he could handle anything. So he girded up his loins, turned and faced Michelle and asked her what he could do to repay the debt.
"What can I do to repay the debt?" he asked (as everyone was wont to do in this story).
Michelle knew this was her moment of triumph and she was certainly dressed for the occasion. She said...

[Driver]

"Why don't you show me your sextant?"

She took hold of Roger's tie and led him off down the companionway towards his cabin. The companions moved rapidly out of their way. Roger looked like he couldn't believe his luck. The hamsters removed themselves tactfully from their customary position on the taffrail above the captain's sleeping quarters.

We will draw a discreet veil across the scene below decks while Roger got lucky.

Back on the poop ...

[fxst]

deck where Groans said to Staines 'hey where did he go?' to which Staines replied 'to his cabin to indulge in a bit of................

[craigb]

"ahem" said Sally, "we decided to draw a discreet veil over that."

"Miss" piped up Tarquin. "What's a sextant and why was Michelle so interested in Roger's?"

Sally was non-plussed. "Why Tarquin" she said "I'm quite non-plussed"

"I think you'll have to wait for Mr Flogswell to explain that to you in your next science lesson"

Meanwhile, back on the poop, Frontbottom was deep in conversation with Farty.

"So there you have it old boy" he said "it's time we took matters into our own hands and......

[echnidna]

.... nick Sally's book so we won't have snotty nose brats looking at everything we do.
So you go and .......

[fxst]

distract Miss Sally while I get the book.'
alas as he saffled the book he was caught by the head girl of the hockey team who ...................

[craigb]

Was an expert in the ancient art of the "squirell grip"

Poor Fontbottom.

Hermione (head of the hockey team) had his cluster in a vice like grip.

In fact, she was such an exquisite torturer that she was actually delighting in rubbing one nad against the other as Alegernon whimpered and pleaded with her to show him some mercy.

"Mercy?" asked Hermione "I'll show you mercy when ......

[Driver]

... wasn't, unfortunately for Slartbast, quite as alluring as Michelle. Furthermore, she had a more direct approach.

Batting her eyelids at Slartbast, she said:

"Hello, big boy! My name's Daphne. Where are you off to with that book?"

She twiddled casually with her hockey stick as she spoke.

"Ah, yes," said Farty. "The book.... do you mean this book?"

"MISS! THERE'S A STRANGE-LOOKING LITTLE MAN HERE AND HE'S STEALING YOUR BOOK!"

She hooked her hockey stick around Farty's neck and started to pull him towards the staff room. Sally's head appeared around the staff room door as something odd happened. Farty took a remote control device from his pocket and pressed a button on it. Daphne froze. Farty placed the book carefully on the floor and took a step backwards through the Rip, re-activating Daphne as he did so.

Sally said: "How odd! That odd-looking little man seemed to turn you off just then Daphne!"

"Well he certainly didn't ....."

On the other side of the Rip, Slartbast materialised on the poop.

Roger was back on watch, looking very pleased with himself. Michelle and the Resistance girls had, it seemed, returned to Nouvion.

Frontbottom looked at Slartbast - who was obviously empty-handed.

"Where's the book?" he said.

"Well...."