The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Caliban]

Something that he regretted as soon as he saw the leer on Staines' face. But quick as Al, he added "me ship" to his previous unprintable utterance, and Staines always ready to follow an order went below unbottoning his pants to fill the hole in the ship.
As soon as she saw Staines' willy plugging the hole the Mother Farquar said something unsavoury under water and wished she hadn't just dropped the augur. Then she sighed and climbed back on board.

[Driver]

And thus ended another chapter .....


Chapter Six (I think?)

"Is there any possibility," said Sponcracker, "that we could now get on with the search for Nemo, as you promised?"

"Good idea," said Roger (Vc and Bar). "Unfurl the main t'gallants! Set a course for the Roaring Forties! Haul away! Heave Away! We're bound for South Australia!"

"Don't you mean South Antarctic?" said Sponcracker as the crew engaged warp drive and the ship accelerated to Ridiculous Speed across the galaxy.

"What'd 'e say?" said Groans, cupping one hand abaft his right ear.

"Something about South Antarctic," said the leading droid. "A gross tautology, of course. Antarctic is by definition in the South and requires no further directional qualification."

"On the other hand," said another droid. "He may simply have been attempting a bit of poetic licence. After all, Roger (VC and Bar) had quoted a line from that old nautical song about South Australia and ..."

The droid came to a sudden halt as Sponcracker pressed a button on his remote control.

"They're useful for some tasks but they could bore you to death when they start their bloody hair-splitting arguments," said Sponcracker. "Now ..."

[Iain]

put a magnet on that compass and we can go anywhere we want, like south to the North Pole, or in this script, even the east or west pole.
A magnet was duly presented and...............................

[Driver]

...and, by the Lord Harry it was presented well!

It sat in a snugly-fitting depression, cushioned in the rich velvet lining of an exquisitely crafted box. The box was made from a beautifully grained and figured selection of the most exotic timbers. Although it was impossible to see this detail, anyone with an understanding of woodwork would just know that the corner joints of the box were secured with secret mitred dovetail joints (hand-crafted, of course - what else?)

The lid of the box, in closing, sighed gently to a stop against the sides, moving silently and smoothly on tiny hinges fashioned from a dense, dark wood.

"What a magnificent box!" cried all who saw it.

"Pity about the bloody magnet, then," said Roger (VC and Bar).

He was right. The magnet itself looked like something that might have fallen out of a particularly ill-favoured Christmas cracker. It was bent from a thin piece of metal into a shape meant to represent a horseshoe. It was painted red with black ends. The paint had been unevenly applied with a very coarse brush.

"Well," said Frontbottom. "It was all I could find at the time."

"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.

"Y'know," said Sponcracker. "I could probably arrange for a robotic ear."

"I 'eard that!" said Groans.

"Knock it off, you two!" said Roger (VC and Bar). "We're ..."

[Caliban]

expecting visitors from...

[craigb]

The Dark Side.

And right on time, who should push throught the rip but none other than ....

[fxst]

Lord Protestor of all universes the Lord Varth Daver who said in a deep booming..............

[ozwinner]

voice......owwwha, I like the pink frills on the curtains.........................

[Iain]

they match my pink frilly knickers.
MF was incensed by this as she had the largest frilly knickers ever made, as attested to by those clog wearing whatevers who used them a communal hat................(bugger, how do you spell communal, just looks wrong)

[Driver]

(well it's spelt right but it's still wrong because .....)

the Hole In The Drawers Collective wore them as a collective hat.

Meanwhile, Leading Artificer Groans was gazing fixedly at the Lord Varth Daver. Instead of his usual conversational gambit, Groans shocked everyone by gasping

"Daddy! It's me, Fluke, your long lost baby boy!"

He ran across to the helmeted and cloaked figure and grasped him about the knees.

Varth breathed heavily, as was his wont, and ...

[ozwinner]

said, stop humping my leg you 'orrible little scrote

[Iain]

and Fluke orf.............

[Driver]

Frontbottom was appalled.

"I'm appalled!" he said. "I say, sir! I am absolutely appalled! I think ...."

What he thought did not emerge. Varth Daver pointed a gauntleted finger in his direction. A strange expression crossed Frontbottom's Royal Marine features. His knees buckled and he grasped his personal parts. Varth Daver had obviously put the Dark Side version of the ol' Vulcan death grip on Frontbottom's knackers.

Things didn't look real good.

The majority of those present were very apprehensive.

"We're very apprehensive," they muttered amongst themselves.

However Halfrit Sponcracker who, I will remind you, Dear Reader, was the chief droid techo of Nemo Corporation, was not even slightly put out. He reached into his capacious pocket and produced a remote control device.

"Ah yes," he murmured. "this'll do the trick."

He pointed the remote control at Varth Daver and pressed a button. Varth's heavy breathing became suddenly very shallow and then appeared to stop altogether. He staggered backwards (Groans was having a hard time retaining his grip on Varth's leg).

Sponcracker said: "As you can see, I have the capacity to remotely control most robotic functions, including your bionic breathing gear. If you persist in making life difficult for my friends on this vessel, I'll make life bloody nearly impossible for you. So release whatever weird power you have over poor old Frontbottom's wedding tackle. Oh, and you might try being polite to your poor benighted offspring, too."

There was a burst of spontaneous applause from the onlookers.

With that ...

[Iain]

Varth Daver resorted to his best kept secret, for not only could he talk through his aXXX, sorry, rectum, but he could also talk through it, which made him eligible to become a WW forum member.
He took a deep rasping breath in, followed by a noisy expulsion of breath, and, lo and behold, he had halitosis (sp).
The decks immediately cleared as a result of this foul odour, Varth Daver was feeling well pleased with himself and declared.........

[craigb]

"I'm really pleased with myself".

Fluke Groans meanwhile still held tightly to the Dark one's leg and was depairing of his pater paying him any attention at all, when he heard an ethereal voice intone:

"The Farce Fluke, use the Farce"

"Of course" thought Groans so he ....