The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Driver]

Frankly, Sponcracker was unmoved by Roger's impassioned justification of his qualifications

"Frankly," he said. "I'm unmoved by your impassioned justification of your qualifications. The important thing is that you need to start working urgently on your defence of the president of our corporation on a charge of sedentary."

"But that's the problem!' said Roger (VC and Bar, VD and scar, BSA and sidecar - Blimey! If he keeps on accumulating gongs, his chest will look like Admiral of the Fleet Mountbatten's - or your average seppo private with 5 years in). "That's the problem! I don't understand what sedentary is. On our side of the Rip, it just means sitting down!"

"Oh, I see!" said the techo. "Actually, it's not a lot different for us ..."

[Caliban]

the problem on our side of the rip is compounded by sitting down on a specially designed sitting apparatus called a chair. Which (and you may find this next bit offensive) is sometimes made of wood. On our side of the rip killing trees for their wood is a capital offense, considered as bad as killing whales for their flesh. :eek: :eek: :eek:

[craigb]

"Whoa" thought Roger, "somebody is in deep shyte."

However, he decided to address Spooncracker thus:

"Well sir, I can see how that would be most distressing in your culture, but how exactly do you propose to prosecute a penguin?"

Spooncracker was about to reply when suddenly a load roar issued from amidships.

Turning towards the mizzen, the only thing that the ship's company could see was; Fellatio.

Major Frontbottom raised himself to his full 175 centimetres and proclaimed ...

[Driver]

"Sod it! I can't see what's going on! Will someone tell these bloody droids to kneel down or get out of the way so a chap can see!"

"Don't fret," said Sponcracker. "There's not a lot happening - just someone ..."

[craigb]

wanting to make an impact"

This was obviously a queue for Lieutenant Fellatio Hornblower to aproach Major Algernon Frontbottom and say.. "at last, you've found me....

[Driver]

... upon which cue, Frontbottom went down on one knee, clasped both hands to his chest, gazed upwards at Hornblower and burst into song

"O! Sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!" he warbled.

Hornblower was taken aback.

"I'm taken aback!" quoth he - to nobody's great surprise, it must be said. "And I think you must be mistaking me for some other Hornblower."

"Hornblower!?" said Frontbottom, leaping to his Royal Marine's feet. "Hornblower!? I thought someone said you were Fellatio?"

"Wot'd 'e say?" said Groans.

"Said 'e thought someone said 'e was Fellatio" said Staines.

"Don't start that again, you two!" said Roger, VC and Bar etc etc, in an admonitory tone. "Look," he said to Frontbottom. "About 18 or so years ago, did you happen to meet a lady called ..."

[Grunt]

with my underwear around my ankles"

A worm hole opened up in crack in the deck. The entire cast and crew were sucked into the worm hole and found themselves in a room with no windows, doors or any other obvious way out.

Hornblower, with his underwear were still around his ankles, stammered "Wwhere the hell are we?"

Staines replied "Fellatio, you haven't been in the story long enough to have experienced the oddities that we are forced to endure by the completely insane author of 'The Rip in Fabric of the Universe'."

Roger chimed in with "I'm convinced the author, that bast@rd, has a weird sexual bent".

With that the author ...

[Iain]

left his PC and went to make a cup of tea.........

[fxst]

and as he left the Melmacian catlovers society got to his PC and googled for cats and asked.......................

[Caliban]

..."Who has any recepies for roast cat, see I have this new webber bbq thing and need advice on marinades."
The replies came thick and fast. The one that made him the happiest said...

[Iain]

go to this link http://www.paxety.com/Archive/200503...alForPeta.html
confusion now reigned supreme, so many recipes, not enough cats...........

[Driver]

.... Frontbottom shook his head and, with a distinctly glazed expression, said to Roger (VC and Bar etc)

"What? Sorry, I had the most peculiar out-of-body experience just then. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that we all got sucked into a worm hole and wound up in a room with no windows, doors or any other obvious way out. Then I had a strange vision involving recipes for cooking cats. None of that can have happened, surely?"

"Oh yes, it all happened," said Roger (VC and ....), matter-of -factly. "If you stay on this ship long enough, you'll get used to it. Now, as I was saying, can you remember- about eighteen or so years ago - meeting a lady called ...."

"Look," said Frontbottom. "You can't expect me to indulge in nostalgic reminiscences when my corporeal being has been subjected to trans-dimensional shifts and ..."

"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.

"Buggered if I know," said Staines.

"No change there, then," said Groans.

"Knock it off, you two!" said Roger VC and Bar etc ....

[Caliban]

Roger thought to himself "I've had enough of these anal jokes."
"I've had enough of your anal jokes, you two" he said.
" We've been recently scared by the captains predicament on the other side of the rip, where, even though he is a penguin and incapable of sitting on a chair, he is facing the death penalty for sedentary!"
"We must cross through the rip to save captain Beaut."
Stains and groans turned decidedly white at this thought and...

[ozwinner]

Cptn Beaut said, "STREWTH, is this crap still going on"

Better get in touch with 2IC, and get it canned.

Al

[Driver]

"Well children," said Sally. "It seems that appalling Craporium proprietor has decided to inject himself once more into the narrative. What do you think of that?"

Tarquin leapt to his feet. "It'th a-a-a-a (dammit!) a-bsolutely dweadful!" He stammered and lisped. "How doeth thomeone tho a-a-a-a-absolutely fwightful get a mention when that poor Hornblower ith totally i-i-i-i-i-(blartht!) ignored by F-F-F-F-F-Fwontbottom!"

Theodore swatted him to the floor with a rolled up copy of the Financial Review and was immediately set upon by all the girls, who ....