The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[craigb]

was going to admonish him in the strongest terms but as she was about to let loose with some truely stinging invective she happened to look down at the book and she was horrified to see that Billy was absolutely correct. She had turned over two pages at once.

So, turning back a page she read:

'Lieutenant Hornblower, kindley arrange a muster of the ship's company' ordered Cap'n Nemo.

Felatio hurried to do the captains bidding. When all of the motley crew were assembled on the orlop deck (with the exception of the Mother F who was sleeping off her recent exertions) he addressed them thus:

'It has come to my attention, that one of our number has indeed been sorely used over a very long period. I refer of course to none other than yon cabin boy Roger. I feel that the poor lad has suffered enough, so in order to remove him from his tormenters - yes I'm looking at you Staines - I have decided to promote him to the rank of Midshipman. '

'From now on he is to be know as Mr Midshipman Roger'

'That is all, you may return to yout duties.'

Seaman Staines turned to Master Bates and said...

[Driver]

"Well I'll be buggered!"

"It's obvious that things are changing around here!" said Bates.

No sooner had the words left his lips than there was a load noise. It was one of those really imposing noises; the kind of noise that you would imagine might accompany a serious shift in the space/time continuum. And you would be right - and so was Master Bates - because that was exactly what had occurred.

The space/time continuum shifted. Things changed.

Midshipman Roger changed into Lieutenant Commander Roger, VC and Bar.
Seaman Staines changed into Leading Seaman Staines - it would bugger (sorry! ) up the gag if he was promoted any higher.
Captain Nemo changed back into a penguin.
The ship changed into the kind of really threatening intergalactic battlecruiser that you usually only see filling the top of huge cinema screens.

Most of these changes were quite successful.

Some weren't.

The Mother Farcquar, for example, changed out of her frock and into Flash Dordogne's lycra jump suit. It was wrinkly on Flash. It was just about the worst sight you could imagine on the Mother Farcquar.

In the penguinness of Cap'n Nemo, it fell to Lieutenant Commander Roger, VC and Bar, to assume command.

"I have the ship!" he said, looking about him with a stern eye. This was disconcerting for the rest of the crew. After all, most people have their eyes mounted at the front of the heads.

Clouseau ....

[ernknot]

said, while I ave your attention, when are we going to fix the bloody rip in the fabric so we can go back to a normal life!!! "A voice from above boomed "Let there be no fix for the rip in the fabrick of the underpants, oops!! Universe!! If this ever gets fixed we have no story. That could be a bugger!!" Capn' Nemo chuckled and said....

[Caliban]

something, but no one could understand him since Col turned him into a penguin.
The first order roger gave as commander of the ship was... (and No it had nothing to do with burgers and fries since that gaga was only used two days ago)

[craigb]

absolutely nothing. For penguins, as well as being flightless are also voiceless.

LC Roger meanwhile suddenly noticed a personage loitering around the taff rail whom he had not seen before.

'This is curious' he thought to himself 'I wonder who he could be'

'I say, you sir' he said to the mysterious person, 'explain yourself if you please'

The mysterious stranger turned to LC Roger and in a haughty voice said 'I sir am Major Algernon Frontbottom, Royal Marines'

Well to say that Roger was flabergasted would be an understatement.

In fact, he turned to LS Staines and said ....

[Driver]

"Staines! To say that I am flabbergasted would be an understatement! This bootneck says his name is Algernon Frontbottom!"

"Aye aye, sir!" said Staines. "And anyone can see that he's wearing his ar... his bottom in the normal manner. Sir."

"No, no! You don't understand!" said Roger (VC and Bar). "I've never mentioned this before because, well, frankly, when I was a more junior member of the crew I was always concerned that any mention of (cough) bottom (cough, cough) in your near vicinity was likely to result in consequences for me that were (cough, ahem) shall we say, unfortunate ... "

"Fer Gawd's sake!" said Staines. "Get on with it! That is, get on with it, sir!"

"Well, the thing is, well ... ah yes .. get on with it ... right. (Deep breath) Well, my name, y'see. My real name, that is ... is Roger Frontbottom (VC and Bar). I think this mysterious stranger with the haughty voice may be my father!"

"Bugger me!" said Staines.

At this, Major Algernon Frontbottom, RM ....

[craigb]

said 'I want to see Fellatio'.

[Driver]

Groans, who was a bit Mutt n' Jeff, turned to Staines and said:

"What did 'e say?"

"Sez 'e wants to see Fellatio."

"Hornblower?"

"Well, that's one way of puttin' it , I s'pose."

"Nah, ya drongo! That's 'is name!"

"No it's not, it's Frontbottom. Same as Roger (VC and Bar), apparently."

"What? You're a bloody idiot!"

"Deaf old sod!" And so on.

Meanwhile, Lt. Commander Roger (VC and Bar) was advising Frontbottom that his mission might be in vain.

"Y'see," he said. "Since that extraordinary noise occurred, everything has changed. No-one has noticed Hornblower. I mean, he might even be one of these hostile-looking robots! *****! Where the hell did they come from?"

Roger (VC and Bar) was referring to a phalanx of metallic droids who were marching purposefully along the main deck, carrying a prone and struggling Mother Farcquar above their heads. Clad, as she was, in Flash Dordogne's lycra jump suit, she presented, as has been recorded, a distasteful spectacle.

Frontbottom glanced towards the robots and cried: "I say! You there! Have you seen Fellatio? I mean to say ...."

[craigb]

'Lieutenant Fellatio Hornbl...'

Unfortunately this was all that Frontbottom managed to utter as he was roughly shoved out of the way by the silver robots who seemed intent on delivering the lycra clad Mother F to the poop deck.

LC Roger (VC and bar) was quickly becoming alarmed as it was becoming obvious that he was the focus of the strange prosession.

The Mother F was equally perturbed to be conveyed in such an undignified fashion, although she did secretly feel that she looked rather fetching in Flash's lycra suit.

Obvously she was the only member of the ship's company that thought this.

Staines was actually having trouble keeping down his breakfast at the sight.

Halting in fornt of LC Roger (VC and bar), the lead robot said in a rather fruity upper class English accent .....

[silentC]

"Lead robot? How dare you, I am constructed from the finest Silver, polished to within an inch of it's life and caressed by Maidens who ... what? Oh I see. Yes, alright, sorry a slight malfunction in the understandatron circuits there, my mistake. Now, yes as the LEAD robot, that is the robot in charge, it is my duty to inform you that you are forthwith to be stripped of your VC AND your bar and you are to appear before a jury of your peers to be tried for the crime of ...

[Grunt]

sodomy.

The rest of the crew was surprised that sodomy was a crime and looked menecingly at Staines.

Corpral Punishment walked into the room and said "lookout, Fellatio Hornblower is on the way shouting 'Blow me down and bugger me with a pitchfork, I'm going kill those suckers'"

At that moment ...

[Driver]

... through the Rip In The Fabric etc ... stepped a nerdy looking bloke in a white coat with a pocket full of small spanners and screwdrivers. He strolled across to the lead robot and pressed a remote control device he had taken from his pocket. The lead robot froze.

The nerdy bloke said: "Sorry about that, bit of a cock-up! Name's Halfrit Sponcracker, by the way, chief droid techo from Nemo Corporation. Won't be a sec and we'll have this one's understandatron circuits sorted."

He opened a small panel in the back of the lead robot's head and proceeded to fiddle with the circuitry inside.

"Should do it, I think." he said, switching the robot back on.

The robot wheeled around, gripped itself by the throat and delivered a nazi salute.

"Whoops!" said Sponcracker. "Wrong loop! Bugger's doing a Strangelove. Can't have that!"

He switched the robot off, opened the panel, made an adjustment and turned it back on again.

The robot said: "Shall I deliver the message now to the Lieutenant Commander, Mr Sponcracker?"

"Think you'd better, before he gets too despondent."

"Lieutenant Commander Roger, sir," said the robot. "Please accompany us. It is my duty to inform you that you have been called to the bar and are required to defend Captain Nemo on a charge of sedentary. Sorry about the previous cock-up. My understandatron circuits were malfunctioning."

Roger looked, in quick succession, astonished, relieved, puzzled and apprehensive.

"Just a minute," he said. "Before we get too far into the mysteries of why anyone would have thought it wise to call me to the bar, I've heard Nemo's name mentioned twice now in surprisingly odd contexts. What's going on?"

"Perhaps I can explain," said Sponcracker. "The mariner you know as Captain Nemo is, in fact, Glorsprang Nemo, president of the Nemo Corporation. We're the biggest multi-galactical corporation on our side of the Rip. Sailing is Nemo's hobby. That's why he spends a bit of time aboard this ship. He has been accused of sedentary - a very serious offence where we come from - and he has asked for you to defend him. Meant we had to call you to the bar, of course."

"But he's been turned into a penguin!" said Roger.

"What! But he can't have!"

"He has and what's more, he seems to be enjoying himself. He sent us this postcard. That's him lying down on the left, apparently."

[Driver]

After a long pause (lasting roughly two days ), Sponcracker shook himself, peered myopically at the postcard and said

"If that really is Glorsprang Nemo, he's lying face down which seems to me to indicate that he is, once more, committing sedentary! You'll have your work cut out putting up any kind of plausible defence if the court sees this!"

"Sedentary!" said Roger (still, it seems VC and Bar). "I was going to ask about that. Aside from the ostensible grammatical anomaly..."

"Moo I hulp?" said Crabtree.

"No!" said Roger - VC and Bar. "(For heaven's sake!). Aside, as I say, from the grammatical anomaly, how is it that sedentary is an offence where you come from. I mean, what exactly is sedentary?"

"Sshh!" said Sponcracker. "Not so loud! You'll embarrass the droids! Look - sedentary is a very serious ...

[Iain]

condition causing there circuits to corrode, especially the female one over there, that is Ann Droid.
Roger, VD and Scar, was appalled at this terrible pun (or should that be a poon?) and retorted............

[ernknot]

" actually, my credentials are really VD and Scar and BSA and Sidecar"