The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Grunt]

and a packets of Tim Tams.

Fellatio removed his teeth. Everyone became concerned and covered their privates with what ever was at hand. That was everyone except Roger the Cabinboy who was quietly relieved.

Nemo got on his knees and ...

[craigb]

prayed.

Yes, he prayed that just once his orders would be obeyed by the mottley bunch of misfits that it was his misfortune to have as crew.

Suddenly number one exclaimed "We've been through the ring captain and we are now standing off Uranus".

Nemo got to his feet and said....

[Caliban]

"Where's Susan?"

[craigb]

"because if you knew Suzy like I knew Suzy.."

That was all of the Al Jolson number that he was able to get out however, beacuse suddenly the mother Farquar appeared and gave him a good slap around the chops.

"Get a grip on yourself you miserable little weasel" she cried.

"You've sent us to Uranus and me and the rest of this bunch of ner' do wells would like to know what your intentions are".

Well this put the wind up Nemo good and proper.

Taking several backward steps he stammered ..

[Caliban]

"Madam I'll have you know that my intentions are decidedly honourable"
But that didn't convince anyone on board, with the possible exception of Roger, because they all saw that he had crossed his fingers behind his back (and his eyes behind roger's).
Whereupon the Mother Farquar roared...

[Driver]

...."Belay all that whinging, Misery Guts!" she roared. "This vessel deserves a captain with some integrity, some ability and, above all, a nice clean apron!"

She re-arranged her appalling features into what she fondly believed to be a simpering smile.

"In short," she said. "This vessel needs me as its captain. I'm taking command, as of right now!"

Nemo was shaken to the very core of his being - and his pantaloons.

"Mutiny!" he cried. "Infamy! O Infamy! - They've all got it in for me!"

"Not quite all, Cap'n!" said an unexpectedly loyal voice. "Oi fur one won't stand for this huge female thing takin' command!"

Nemo was astounded to find Seaman Staines lining up alongside him with a belaying pin clenched in his gnarled grasp.

He ...

[Iain]

wondered like the rest of us what a belaying pin was.
Do a search said Emiratus Capt Nemo, while contemplating his fate or feat or could it have been feet?
He suddenly realised that with the vicars wife nearby it was a fete, 'Aaaahhh' he growled in a nautical manner, 'I see's me chance to overthrow this evil woman' and with that he charged into the fete and.................

[Driver]

... discovered - not, it must be admitted, to his great surprise bearing in mind the strange directions this tale frequently follows (but I digress ) - that it was, in fact, a Fete Worse Than Death.

A fete run by a group of clog dancers wearing knickers on their collective heads (remember the Hole In The Drawers Gang from that other legendary tale?) is never going to be a great success, of course ...

[silentC]

... , but on this particular day, the clog dancers were wearing a single pair of Mother F's knickers on their collective heads - collectively. This made for some interesting attempts at their stock rendition of 'Tulips From Amsterdam' scored for the clog, as the leader attempted a whirling dervish topped with a half pike as the rest of the dancers attempted to keep time whilst being whirled about, their ears gripped by the ever expanding elastic of the knickers. Not to mention the gussets. Yes, let's not mention the gussets. So ...

[Caliban]

What is the collective noun for a group of clog dancers wearing a pair of knickers on their collective heads, collectively, whilst trying not to notice or mention the headaches caused by the gussets of the aforementioned gussets whilst trying to stop a mutiny?

[echnidna]

That's easy ~~ its a COMMITTEE !!!!!

[Driver]

"A committee?!?" cried Nemo. "A bloody committee!?! SOD THIS!"

He left the fete, failing to pay for his sandwich and teacake and omitting to have his hand stamped by the Girl Guide on the door (meaning he would be unable to return later :eek: ).

Reaching the ship's bridge, he found Seaman Staines and Leading Artificer Groans engaged in a dire struggle with the Mother Farcquar. Groans had obviously been paying attention during the earlier conflict when the sharpening guides and honing jigs invaded the ship because he was using his artificing skills to good effect by applying a back-bevel to the Mother Farcquar's knees. Staines was merely clubbing her about the head with his belaying pin (Belaying pin: a large wooden device with a tapered cylindrical body and a knobby end; used by sailors for jamming ropes into cleats, thus effecting a belay).

Nemo rushed in and smote The Mother Farcquar a mighty blow. Unfortunately the blow was administered with the teacake from the Fete Worse Than Death - not the cutlass he thought he had in his hand. Nemo looked askance at the teacake.

"How the hell did that get there?" he said, "And where's me bloody cutlass?"

The Mother Farcquar wiped crumbs and currants from her foul visage and reached out a threatening hand towards Nemo's defenceless throat. Just as she was about to strangle the unfortunate mariner, her dog catcher lover Clarence called out:

"Now, now, Hortense. You can't ......"

[Iain]

belay dance in front of the crew because we can't find a gemstone big enough to fit in your navel.
However, Roger the cabin boy was suffering from a social disease and was quite flushed and it was decided that he would fit.
Despite his protestations he was plugged into Mother F's cavernous navel and she proceeded to wobble around the deck in what she thought was a seductive manner.
The crew watching were..................................

[Caliban]

reruns of "the Young Ones" on tv and didn't notice that Clarence was going green with envy as he watched roger the ruby gyrating in Hortense's navel. Whilst this was going on the "committee" of clog dancers discovered that they collectively fancied the now green Clarence, and the sight of them besetting the hapless Clarence was enough to make you cry, but not as loudly as Clarence did. Whereupon...

[Driver]

... the bridge was suddenly stormed by a crowd of Girl Guides. They rushed upon Captain Nemo, demanding payment for a sandwich and a teacake.

"Talk to the purser," said Nemo. "He handles all my financial affairs!"

"Which one's the purser? Which one's the purser?" Cried the Girl Gudies in unison as they rushed around the upper deck, grabbing sailors, who ...