The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Driver]

... but a week had gone by and Roger's suggestion had, it seemed, vanished as if it had never been made.

Furthermore, Sally's classroom had returned to normal. The only obvious activity was an occasional flurry of blows about the head, administered in a desultory fashion by Augustin upon the kick-boxing Tarquin and inevitably followed by an outburst of unmitigated savagery from the girl's hockey team. These interruptions aside, Sally was able to continue with her reading.

Back on the poop deck, Nemo was consulting with ...

[echnidna]

Billy Connolly about the best way to milk a cow and ....

[Grunt]

have sex with a rabbit. Suddenly, ...

[Loki]

Roger came rushing up to Nemo with the requested pink gin & crocodile sandwich. "Sorry I took so long, Cap'n, but I had a devil of a time catchin' that crocodile. Will there be anything else, Sir?"

Sally closed her book yet again. "Well children, what do you all make of that? And why do you think Roger's pending suggestion never eventuated? Very curious, don't you think?"

[Driver]

No sooner had the question left her lips than there was a loud rasping noise. The rip yawned wide.

An expectant hush came over the poop deck. From below decks came the faint despairing cries of a Worksafe inspector in the enormous hands of the Mother Farcquar.

Just as the expectant hush was on the point of being slightly too long and therefore embarrassing ....

[craigb]

Through said rip appeared a person in a DHL uniform.

"Right" said the courier as he peered at his clipboard. "I've got a consignment of caps here. It seems that they're a mixture of foil lined and regular Baseball style caps, sporting a most curious logo".

"So who's responsible and who's going to sign my chitty, hmm?" he queried.

"Well!" exclaimed Nemo "I didn't expect...."

[Driver]

... to have to deal with a uniformed courier with a clipboard! But since it seems that I do, well . . "

He reached into the capacious pockets of his pantaloons, withdrew a pair of duelling pistols, tossed one of them to the courier and, before the poor sod had a chance to understand what was going on, shot him neatly between the eyes at point-blank range.

Nemo tossed the courier's body over the side (provoking further discussion amongst the HR managers and Worksafe inspectors on their raft - which had floated back alongside). He opened a package of baseball caps, admired the logo, selected a foil-lined one and - because he hadn't a bloody clue - hung it from his belt buckle.

"What a well-tailored cod-piece!" he declared, striking an heroic pose. "It reminds me of ...

[craigb]

the lead lined underpants I used to be so fond of."

"Not as heavy mind, so one can't be sure that they afford adequate protection"

"I suppose I should use an extra thick application of MFKL, just to be on the safe side"

And before you could say Farquar, Nemo had his pantaloons around his ankles, and his legs akimbo.

While he was thus engaged, Roger appeared and said:

"Beggin, you're pardon sir, but Master Bates send his compliments and wonders..."

[Driver]

... if you'd be interested in knowing that the Mother Farcquar has finished interfering with that Worksafe inspector and is heading this way?"

Nemo hauled his pantaloons aloft and buckled up his accoutrements in the nick of time as the Mother Farcquar's appallingly arranged features appeared at deck level, her lustful eyes aglint.

"Staines!" called Nemo. "You're promoted to senior Lookout-in-Chief for your prompt advice passed on by young whatsisname here! Proceed to the cross-trees immediately!"

"Aye-aye, Cap'n!" said Staines. "Does this mean I'm no longer a seaman, sir?"

"Don't be a damn' fool, man!" said Nemo. "Why would we spoil the joke? It would be like changing Roger's rank. If he suddenly became something other than the Cabin Boy we'd have bloody mayhem! Can you imagine what would happen if someone said Roger the Seaman? The confusion would destroy the well-ordered running of the ship! No, man. You're still Seaman Staines and will remain so as long as I'm master and commander of this vessel."

No sooner had the words left his lips when ...

[silentC]

... he turned into a penguin. "Quack, quack" he said, in a more penguiny sort of way than you would otherwise expect from, say, a duck. Seaman Staines managed a somewhat theatrical double take and exclaimed "Captain Nemo, sir, I don't wish to alarm you - but you seem to have turned into a penguin".

Completely unable to deny the truth of Staines' revelation, Nemo, with a curious longing for raw fish welling up in his belly, waddled off to find a looking glass.

"I wonder if that's the last we'll see of Captain Nemo" pondered Seaman Staines. He ...

[Iain]

contemplated the delicate boquette of the fine green cigarette he was smoking, he took another drag and before him an incredible thing happened, the sky turned..........

[craigb]

off.

[Driver]

"Bugger!" said Staines.

"You're a fine one to talk!" said Roger, "Er ... at the risk of sounding very existential, where's the sky?"

Horatio the hamster heard Roger as he emerged from behind the binnacle where he had been enjoying an afternoon doze.

"Why is the wind and how is the ocean?" he enquired, in an amused and patronising tone. He looked up.

"Bugger!" he said.

"Don't you start!" said Staines. "I was ...

[silentC]

... just having a little smoko when the bloody sky went out".

"I hate it when that happens," moaned Roger, "I hope it doesn't take as long to get it fixed as it did when the dawn broke the other day."

Just then, an ominous voice from on high boomed "errr, sorry chaps. Looks like I've kicked the blessed cord out of the wall again. I was just rearranging the furniture in the lobby and ...

[Driver]

The crew milled about the deck. There was a good deal of muttering from behind hands: "D1ckhead!" "W@nker!"

The sky came back on.

An ironic cheer went up and ...