The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[echnidna]

said this is gonna mess up the seppo's properly

[Iain]

for had it have been translated properly it is clear it is OFF not U, now, everyone knows that fucoff is a Russian delicacy comprising of Siberian Salt and Elk Sweat so Crabtree was somewhat dissapointed.
However, what he did have was a cure for the former part of his name but could he bear to part with the crabs and be called Tree from hereon?

[Driver]

While the Captoon was pondering this dilemma, there was a commotion on the companionway. Captain Nemo burst onto the poop deck and, adopting his customary stance, feet and knees well apart and a bad-tempered grimace athwart his saturnine features, he bawled:

"How come none of you bastards felt it was worth mentioning that Siberian Salt and Elk Sweat cures crabs?!!!?"

There was an embarrassed silence - broken only by a murmur from aft of:

"Troo? Doesn't soond vary impusing. Troo? No - p'rips noot."

[ernknot]

The ships Doctor overhearing the dissent in the ranks and the Captoons bawling said "No good standing on the seat because cyber crabs can jump three feet ( 1 metre approx.) The only way you get the crab curing combination is to chase the beast yourself you fat bas.......! " The crew went into hyper snikerring mode and the following comments were .............

[Iain]

divulged, we burnish our nether regions with organoil and the high glossy surface does not allow the little beasties to get a grip, as a result the hypercrabs, being robotic, fall to the floor and shatter..........

[ernknot]

however, once they shatter they do reconstitute themselves into something more fierce - Super Crutch Chompers, these suckers will tear your undies off your butt just to get at your nether regions. There is no cure but you can get rid of the blighters.........

[Driver]

... by applying a liberal coat of Max Factor Knacker Lacquer to the affected parts. This not only adds a lustre to your cluster (something you all knew!) but - unbeknownst to most - it also imparts a level of immunity to various uncommon invasive non-organic pests.

Meanwhile, Crabtree was disappointed to learn that the u he had anticipated was in fact suffixed by an off not a u. It would therefore be unlikely to satisfy his gourmandising instincts. He folded his tablecloth, placed it in a convenient pocket, brushed past Nemo, who was doing something very unappetising with a preparation of Siberian Salt and Elk Sweat and strode to the weather side of the poop deck, where he ...

[Iain]

broke wind.....

[Grunt]

which caused a rip in his pants and yet another rip in the fabric of the universe. This was disappointing because the warranty had just run out on the universe. The closure of a certain fanchise in Melbourne made the likelyhood of getting the rip repaired in a timely manner quite small.

Suddenly, the entire Adromeda Galaxy was drawn threw the the rip in the fabric of the universe (RIFOTU) and right up the butt of Crabtree. Crabtree wished that he lived in a different universe than this one as the fagility of the Universe fabric was getting him down. This sadly was the last thought that would ever go through the mind of Crabtree ...

[ozwinner]

This sadly was the last thought that would ever go through the mind of Crabtree ...

How do you know what he was thooinking??
Huh Gront??

Al

[Grunt]

I am omnipresent.

[echnidna]

Present or past just what is an OMNI ??

[Grunt]

Ok, I'm writing in the bluddy third person (Omniscient) so I know everything that is going on in the whole universe for the duration of my paragraph or two.

[echnidna]

Do you run seances too?

[Grunt]

Yes, I'll PM you with my bank details. Depost $300 and I'll run a seance for you next time you're in Melbourne.