The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Spittin Chips]

With voices in unison they cried " ...the boy there on the burning deck...that one with his pocket full of crackers...

[Driver]

Frontbottom turned to Dogsbreath and said: "D'you know, I wasn't aware we had a burning deck. I mean, I'm very familiar with the poop deck. the maindeck, the quarter deck and so on. Even heard about the orlop deck - never been there, mind you. But I don't think I've ever heard anyone refer to the burning deck. Which one is it?"

Dogsbreath looked at Frontbottom, looked for'ard where flames and black smike billowed up from just abaft the foc'sle and then looked back searchingly at Frontbottom. He worried about Frontbottom sometimes.

"Y'know, mate," said the Aussie Rip Lord. "I worry about you sometimes. The burning deck, eh? That would be the one up for'rard. The one that is presently wreathed in flames and black smoke. The one where - even as we speak - the crew is busily engaged in frantic efforts to extinguish the blaze. In other words, ya Pommy dickhead, the burning deck is the one that's on fire!"

"Ah," said Frontbottom. "Yerss, I see. Y'know ....."

[Spittin Chips]

"Yars...lets roon arp thar distress flags...pahaps thars a frund nuhby to lund a hund"

FrontBottom reeled in horror...to ask for help at sea was tantamount to stopping and asking for directions
" Master Bates bring forth the pumps and put out that damn fire..and while your at it lash the wee young lad to the mizzen...he's been at the stores again!" roared the Captain. Something was troubling the Captain. twas the nagging suspicion that perhaps he had failed to extinguish the fire from his earlier tea making
"Its bloody Roger the cabin boy" muttered Dogsbreath"...always at the crackers"
Master Bates and his seamen made long work of the pumps. Up, down,up down they put their backs to it. Seaman Staines, who was quick to anger, urged the men on with loud frequent curses
" Come on you...

[Spittin Chips]

"Yars...lets roon arp thar distress flags...pahaps thars a frund nuhby to lund a hund"

FrontBottom reeled in horror...to ask for help at sea was tantamount to stopping and asking for directions
" Master Bates bring forth the pumps and put out that damn fire..and while your at it lash the wee young lad to the mizzen...he's been at the stores again!" roared the Captain. Something was troubling the Captain. twas the nagging suspicion that perhaps he had failed to extinguish the fire from his earlier tea making
"Its bloody Roger the cabin boy" muttered Dogsbreath"...always at the crackers"
Master Bates and his seamen made long work of the pumps. Up, down,up down they put their backs to it. Seaman Staines, who was quick to anger, urged the men on with loud frequent curses
" Come on you...

[SPIRIT]

lilly loven rejects from a rat trap put yu back inta ands wilez azits sing uz a song one of themza worken songs .........dont push me coz i'm close to da edge, i'm tryin' not to lose my head. no no no one of dem workin' songs, oh right. if you are bored and you now it clap your hands CLAP CLAP... if your bored and you now it clap your hands CLAP CLAP... if your bored and you now it then you really ort to show it... if your bored and yopu now it clap yur hands CLAP CLAP.


At this seaman staines lost it and ripped into ...

[Honorary Bloke]

. . . the fabric of the universe with his trusty scout knife.

"By Jove," announced Frontbottom, a Pom to the last, "I believe you've created yet another rip in the fabric of the unverse, you blighter."

"Aye," cried Seamen Staines, "and I'll create a rip in yur mizzen if yer don't shut yur yap."

Fortunately, the Captain still carried the All Purpose Repair Kit with him and he called quickly to Hereward the Hamster, who was still mucking about on the poop: "Come here, Hereward, take this kit and repair that rip in the fabric of the universe and that right speedily!"

Hereward hurriedly rummaged through the Kit, extracted a canvas needle and some twine, and scampered aloft to begin the repairs. He first tried a criss-cross stitch, but soon found a loop stitch worked much better. He congratulated himself for having watched all the sewing shows on ABC as a young pup. Whistling merrily, he made short work of the damage and soon dropped smartly to the deck, drawing himself up to his full 20cm height, he saluted the Captain, shouting "Mission accomplished, sir."

"What mission?" sneered the Captain. "It was only a bluddy hole you sewed shut. Buggar off."

Hereward, his feelings hurt, slinked away muttering to himself and plotting an awful revenge.

As he slunk down the companionway, Hereward passed Roger the Cabin Boy just coming up, now wearing his pea jacket. As they passed one another the nearest Companion grunted in pain and snarled "Watch yer step mates, me corns are sore as it is."

On deck at last, Roger approached the Captain warily. Sniffing the air, he remarked: "Is it just me, or has there been a burning deck hereabouts?"

Seizing on this remark, Frontbottom interjected: "Indeed there has been a large conflagration up forward, but the crew, with all the zealousness of an ardent lover, have turned to and brought the blaze under control, displaying, I might add, a degree of bravery and dedication to which I, personally, would have thought they could not aspire."

Well, it all could have been summed up in the phrase "Right Ho."

"Put a sock in it," said the Captain, "we've more important matters to hand at the moment. In fact, I would like to . . . .

[Honorary Bloke]

. . . find out two things. Where did Mother Farquar escape to, and why has this yarn drifted along listlessly for lo these many days?"

Roger the Cabin Boy piped up "Can't answer your second question, sar, but when I went to fetch me pea jacket, I seen Mother Farquar lurking about down in the bowels of the ship, Cap'n, sar."

Just then there was a mighty roar from belowdecks and the crew stared in amazement as Mother Farquar flew, seemingly effortlessly, into the air from one of the ship's stacks. In fact, it was the aft stack. Arcing gracefully, rather resembling a pigeon taken on the wing by a 12 gauge, Mother Farquar cleared the bridge by a hair and then dropped like a stone onto the deck below, making a loud thump. After a few small bounces, she lay still.

"Looks like the ship's bowels are on the move again," observed Seaman Staines. "Had a right blow that time, aye, that she did."

Hurrying forward, Frontbottom approached the prone figure of Mother Farquar filled with trepidation, and yet with the lingering hope that she might, with luck, actually be dead. Turning her onto her back, he gazed at her battered countenance.

"She looks a bit squashed, don't she?" he remarked. At this, Mother Farquar opened her one good eye and snarled: "What all this? Where am I? And what's more, I'd really like to know . . .

[AlexS]

...what Miss Sally is doing down below with young Hornblower. While you prats are faffing around up here with your all purpose repair kit and whatever, that lascivious pair is engaging in the congress of the Aardvark down in the bilges."

"Aargh, that'd be right", grumbled Staines, "First the young sod scuppered the skipper, now he's trying to rally Sally. Who knows what he'll get up to next."

The answer to his ponderings became immediately clear. As a climactic groan echoed from the aforementioned bowels of the ship, .....

[Driver]

... it was accompanied by two blokes.

Actually .... and on mature consideration .....they may have been chaps. In any event, they were clad in very scruffy-looking Highland regalia and they had what appeared to be the result of several months determined abstinence from the daily shaving ritual. Their beards were, in fact, long, knotted, red in hue and apparently inhabited by various forms of wildlife of an entomological nature and disposition.

The marginally less scrofulous of these two approached the Captain.

"D'ye remember me?" he enquired, in a slightly quavering and hectoring tone. "I am Lester McClustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and this is my factor: Maxwell McNackarlacquar. You had me and my factor clapped in irons and thrown into the brig. Some while ago. For no good reason. In a quite peremptory fashion. Very unfairly."

Captain Nemo eyed this Hibernian apparition with a swift glance.

"Did I?" he said. " Clapped in irons, eh? Tossed into the brig. For no good reason, you say? Peremptorily and very unfairly? Have I got that right? Summed up your complaint in a succint manner, have I?"

"Well.....yes. In a nutshell, so to speak. Yes," replied the laird.

"Well, it seems to me that you have been treated in a very arbitrary fashion," said Nemo. "No trial. No opportunity to state your case. Little or no consideration given to your apparent status as a landowner and community leader. Very arbitrary, it seems to me. What do you think?"

"Well .... precisely," said McClustar. "I'm gald you see it my way."

"Happy to oblige," said Nemo. "Get used to it. Sponcracker!" he cried. "Have your droids toss this scruffy Scotsman and his bewhiskered offsider into the brig! And make sure the door's locked this time. Might stop the bugger from coming up here and disturbing me when I'm busy."

A phalanx of droids grabbed the Caledonians and hauled them off, protesting, brig-wards.

"Well," said Hieronymous, "That's .....

[fxst]

the way todeal with those escapees. Did you see the way he is acting ? Very clever indeed and very un-penguin like I do declare. So saying he turned to his companion young....

[Driver]

... Hereward and said:

"Did you hear? Some ill-educated, nay - witless - person down in the fo'c'sle was heard recently to compare the experience of hand-planing with chook-plucking!"

This was the most sacrilegious statement Hereward had ever heard! Comparing using a hand plane to plucking a chook!! He was outraged!

"I'm outraged!" he cried, leaping (admittedly not very far) to his little hind legs. "Rarely," quoth he, "has my rage been so externalised!" To demonstrate the extent of his emotional disturbance, he danced up and down on the taffrail.

Hieronymous was a hamster whose disposition was significantly more balanced and far less inclined to overt displays of emotion than was Hereward's. He cast a jaundiced eye upon the antics of his younger companion.

"Do sit down, laddie," he said. "You'll ......"

[AlexS]

...be mistaken for a chook and plucked to within an inch of your life. Or planed, whatever takes your fancy."

Hereward slowly regained his composure, but a sudden lurch of the ship threw him overboard, and with a splash and a splutter, he daintily flopped into the briny.

What had the ship hit? Was it about to traverse another rip in the fabric of the universe? No, not this time. The ship's instability was due solely to the Mother Farquahar bestirring herself. "Will none of you scurvy toads help me onto my feet" she roared.

Always the gentleman (or, some might say, a bit of a ponce) Fellatio sprang to her assistance. Grasping her in a cross between a full Nelson and a Christmas grip, he gave a mighty heave and dragged her to her feet. "What seems to be the matter, m'dear?" he asked her soothingly.

Staines was not quite so sympathetic. "The old trollop's been drinking the Brasso, if my nose doesn't deceive me. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't polish her off." A chorus of groans came from the companions, but unfortunately, Staines' unwitting pun went straight past Groans to the keeper. "Never mind", said Nemo, "she'll have a good finish."

All this hilarity at her expense was too much for the Mother Farquahar. With a withering glance at the captain and a crippling sideswipe at Staines' gonads, she bellowed.......

[Iain]

"the vow of silence is now over".........

[Driver]

"So that's what it was," said Frontbottom. "I had wondered why it seemed so quiet. Now all is revealed! The Mother Farcquar - bless her gargantuan cotton socks - had taken a vow of silence. Amazing!"

"Amazing???!!!???" said Dogsbreath. "Mate! It's more than amazing. It's totally bloody mind-blowing!" The Mother Farcquar? A vow of silence?!? I mean, is this likely? Is this even possible? Or is it, in fact, a load of what, back at the Cowcockies Arms, we are inclined to characterise as bollocks?" Eh? I mean, when did she go silent? Answer me that!"

Frontbottom was taken aback. As usual, he didn't keep this to himself.

"I'm taken aback!" he said. "D'you mean to say that the Mother Farcquar was bending the truth when she claimed to have taken a vow of silence?"

Dogsbreath .....

[Caliban]

exclaimed "Oh, I see."
which wasn't exactly true, as he was standing in the rather impressive lee of the MF herself...
(oh by the way I'm back. )