The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Driver]

"Keelhaul me! You? Keelhaul me! You pipsqueak! It'll take more than a penguin disguised as a ship's master to keelhaul me!"

"You forget, madam," quoth Captain Nemo. "I command forces that have dealt summarily with you on several previous occasions. Sponcracker!"

The chief droid techo of the Nemo Corporation appeared upon the poop.

"You wanted me, Captain?"

"Yerss. Have your droids keelhaul this large, allegedly female person, would you? She seems not to want to obey my legitimate command to use more nautical terminology."

Sponcracker pressed a button on a purposeful-looking remote control and a phalanx of purposeful droids marched purposefully up the companionway. (The squeals of the companions were nearly, but not quite, drowned out by the crunching noises made by the droids' purposeful metallic boots as they trod purposefully upwards).

"My stars! They certainly look purposeful, don't they?" remarked Hireonymus.

The Mother Farcquar took a quick glance at the droids. Her normally ruddy, not to say livid, countenance paled.

"Orright, orright!" she squealed. "I'll speak more nautically. Avast there, ye scurvy lubbers! Reef in the main t'gallants and splice the mainbrace! Pieces of eight and Yo, Ho Ho!"

She cowered before the advancing (and purposeful) droids.

The Captain ....

[Honorary Bloke]

screamed: "I said nautical jargon, not Talk Like A Bluddy Pirate Day gibberish! Sponcracker, proceed with the keelhauling!"

As Sponcracker purposefully tied a line around Mother Farcquer's rather purposeless middle, Frontbottom rose to her defence:

"It's really all right now, boys, she's let go and I'm feeling much better."

"It's nothing to do with you, Frontbottom," barked the Captain, "buggar off."

"Why is the Captain barking?" asked Hereward, addressing no one in particular. "I thought he was a penguin disguised as a ship's master, and now he's barking like a flaming Pomeranian."

Undeterred by this purposeless aside, the droids threw the free end of the line overboard amidships and began pulling Mother Farcquer toward the rail.

The Captain watched with a glint in his eye. Suddenly he shouted: "What's happened, I can't see a daam thing?"

"Yer've got a glint in yur eye old son," remarked Leading Artificer Groans. "We'll soon put that right, let me have a go at it with me arqebus." And without further remarks, Groans fired a blast full in the Captain's face.

"Lord love a duck!" cried Sponcracker, "'e's shot the Cap'n wi' 'is thingummy.'

Upon hearing this, Hereward Hamster thought to himself: "What's with all the missing letters in Sponcracker's usually impeccable vocabulary? Perhaps he's been doing his own wiring again."

As Sponcracker hurried to Nemo's side, Mother Farcquer carpe'd the diem, so to speak, untied the line, and beat a hasty retreat toward the bridge. "Ye'll not keelhaul me this day! Avast! And I'll Talk Like a Pirate if I like to."

Making good her escape, Mother Farcquer disappeared into the bowels of the VLGI, which may not have been a wise choice. Time will tell.

The Captain, wiping the meusli from his face, and incidentally clearing the glint from his eye, turned to Sponcracker and said: "After her! Don't let that Mother Farcquer escape!" At which order Sponcracker and his droids set out after the fleeing damsel.

Not one to allow missed opportunities to get him down, the Captain immediately proceeded to . . .

[Doughboy]

...... wipe the spittle from his chin and alighted from his position.

He barged, headlong out the door of his cabin only to be met with the angry stare of his crew about to .....

[Honorary Bloke]

panic, because he hadn't been in his bluddy cabin, but out on deck dealing with Mother Farcquer!

"Must have been the Rip in the Fabric of the Universe," one crew member remarked, "or at least must have bumped up near a grommet hole."

"Never mind that now," snarled the Captain, "I was just about to" . . .

[ozwinner]

put the kettle on fer a lurvely cup of tea, cucumber sandwiche anyone?

[Driver]

"Now that," said Dogsbreath. "Is unusual".

"What's that, old chap?" asked Frontbottom, as he tried surreptiously to massage his aching tackle, so recently subject to the violent attentions of the Mother Farcquar.

"That is," said Dogsbreath. "The fact that the Captain was considering putting on the kettle himself. I mean, wouldn't he normally call upon someone else to do that for him? Young bloke, runs about the joint looking worriedly over his shoulder whilst taking a firm grip on his strides. Can't think of his name. Rhymes with Dodger."

Frontbottom was surprised.

"I'm surprised that you can't remember him," he said. " His name's ...."

[fxst]

Baron Von Munchkin and he's a dab hand at making a quality cup of tea.
He's also known for allowing men to take.......

[AlexS]

...liberties with...

[Doughboy]

new stubby ......... leg. The men do hideous things with his leg, they ......

[fxst]

even go to bed early so they don't miss out on a bagful of pressies from the jolly fat man who comes but once a year which makes..............

[Driver]

'Twas Christmas morn (which makes this the second anniversary of this epic tale - Merry Christmas to all our readers! ) and all through the ship ....

The crew were wondering why the captain was prowling about the quarterdeck (windward side, of course), with his handy-size patented Captain's All-Purpose Repair Kit clutched in his fist while he gazed intently at a particular patch of sky, low on the portside horizon.

"Quartermaster!" he called.

"Aye, Aye, Sir!" said Seaman Staines (for it was he).

"Steer three points on the North-East quarter!" said the Captain.

"Three points it is, Sir!" quoth Staines.

"And send for the cabin boy! Can't bring his name to mind." said the Captain.

Staines, with a distinctly evil leer, said ...

"Well it certainly isn't Baron Von Munchkin. It's Roger The Cabin Boy!"

Brief protests from the companions heralded Roger's rapid ascent of the companionway. He took a wide berth around the edges of the poop deck, avoiding the leering Staines and reported to the Captain:

"Aye, aye sir!" quoth he.

"Roger," said the Captain. "In your previous existence as commander of this benighted vessel, when you were Lieutenant Commander Roger, VC and Bar, did you ever have cause to use this?" He proffered the Captain's All-Purpose Repair Kit.

Roger's reply was interesting

"Can't say ...."

[Doughboy]

..... I recall such a thing, although there was that one time when I had blown a hole in Frontbottoms longjohns.

The captain was aghast. ''What do you mean by 'blown' Roger? Are you one of those unsavoury types witha consealed weapon? Is there something you should be informing me of? Are you and Dogsbreath just really good friends or is it something more?

Roger was taken aback he thought how could the Captain think so lowly of him. After all he had been through, after all they had been through together and worst of all after the supreme sacrifice he had made to keep the abhorent truth from coming to light. How could he be so callous.

Then it came to him the only way to save his own worthless hide was to ...........

[Honorary Bloke]

. . . quickly change the Captain's focus to Seamen Staines.

"I think S.s.s.seamen S.s.s.staines has used that k.k.k.kit, sir," he stammered.

"Roger," queried the Captain, "have you been at the grog barrel again?"

"Why n.n.n.no sir," replied Roger, "it's only that I realized it's f.f.f.freezing out here on this f.f.f.arquing poop deck! With your p.p.permission, sir, I'd like to go b.b.b.below and get my p.p.p.pea jacket."

"Well, go and get your bluddy p.p.p.pea jacket, then," said the Captain, "and be quick about it! And now you've got me doing it. B.b.b.buggar off!"

Roger hastily retreated down the companionway, treading heavily upon several Companions, who groaned fitfully.

Meanwhile Frontbottom, momentarily forgotten in the hubbub, leaned listlessly over the starboard rail whilst still rubbing his recently wounded front bottom. As he stared moodily out to sea he spied a flashing signal light in the distance.

"Captain," cried Frontbottom, "I spy a flashing signal light in the distance. What can it mean?"

Rushing to the rail, the Captain peered through the murk at the light, now winking furiously. "Well shiver me timbers," muttered the Captain fearfully, "I've dreaded the day that signal might appear. Frontbottom! Do you know what that is? It's . . . "

[craigb]

..the Lighthouse of the Happiest Kingdom of them all. The Land of The Smiley People".

Frontbottom gazed back at Nemo with an appalled expression on his upper class twit's face.

"Captain" he said "you may find this hard to believe but I'm absolutely appalled!"

"Qucik man, do that nautical thing you do and have your misbegotten crew alter course immediately!"

However it was already to late for the VLGI because at just that moment there appeared a veritable host of cutesy little smiley people intent on boarding the VLGI.

Groans turned to Staines and said ......

[ozwinner]

Smilies on the port bow, and theyre closing Sir.
Then a great wave hit
Photos were taken so everyone could see it later on
kisses were passed around
And much dancing was had by all ( except craigB)





Al