The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Driver]

... Groans, who said (and I quote)

"What'd 'e say?"

However, despite Groans' failure to adopt a defensive posture against the wall, he was in no real danger from any stray Stainesian urge of a lustful hue. (Lustful Hugh? Another new character perhaps? We'll see).

Staines had different fish to fry. He had espied a door, shielded by a curtain. Being a curious type, he found this irresistible. He thrust the curtain aside and grasped the doorknob. This was a mistake. Someone had ...

[AlexS]

...applied a liberal coating of CA glue to the doorknob, and Staines found himself securely stuck to it. No matter how much he swore and rattled the door, he was stuck. Not just stuck as in 'stuck in the mud' but stuck as in 'here for the rest of eternity, or until I rip the flesh from my hand'.

But wait! Let us leave Staines, knob in hand, and return to the poop deck of the Good Ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, where....

[Driver]

... a figure had materialised in a manner thoroughly familiar to the crew of that distinguished vessel.

This was a well-dressed bloke with a distinct twinkle in his eye.

"May I speak to the Captain?" he enquired, by way of an opening remark.

"You would first be well advised to introduce yourself properly, laddie," said Frontbottom. "The old man's an absolute stickler for the proper form."

"Ah, I see," said the newcomer. "Sorry about that. Remiss of me. My name is Hugh Bastard. This can occasionally lead to difficulties, as you may imagine. Y'know the sort of thing. Someone asks for my name. I tell him. He thinks I'm calling him names .... and so on .... Saves a lot of time if I tell you that I'm normally known as Lustful Hugh (Editorial comment: Aha!). Can't think why." He winked.

The Captain emerged from below. Frontbottom effected an introduction

"Captain, sir." He said. "Hugh Bastard." He waved a hand in Lustful Hugh's direction.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON!" roared Nemo. "HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER IN THAT MANNER!"

"No, no, sir!" said Frontbottom, appalled at the misunderstanding. "That's his name. Bastard, sir. First name Hugh. He's a member of the Bastard family, sir. Like the Bo'sun and the ship's cook."

Upon hearing this, a strange expression swiftly crossed Lustful Hugh's face. No-one noticed this - except for Dogsbreath.

Lustful Hugh quickly recovered and approached the Captain ....

[Driver]

Meanwhile, Frontbottom, realising that the captain had accepted his explanation, heaved a sigh of relief and turned to his friend Dogsbreath. He noticed - indeed, he could scarcely fail to notice - that the Rip Lord had removed his fox hat from his head and was staring at it with a strange expression upon his gnarled and weather beaten features.

"I say," said Frontbottom. "Is everything all right, old chap. You look a bit green about the gills, I must say."

Dogsbreath didn't answer him. Instead, a look of burgeoning comprehension spread across his countenance like the early morning spreads daylight across the boundless plains of the Australian outback.

Through clenched teeth, Dogsbreath muttered: "Starve the bloody lizards! That's it!" Suddenly, he hurled his fox hat to the deck and yelled: "THAT'S IT! THAT'S WHAT THEY MEANT! ....AND ALL THIS BLOODY TIME!...."

"I say! Steady on, old man!" Frontbottom was concerned. "What on earth has got into you?"

"It was when I saw the captain's reaction to you mentioning Hugh Bastard's name! I realised: it's a what-the-hell-d'ya-call-it .... a double-thing .... entendre. A double-entendre. You said 'Hugh Bastard' and he thought you said 'You bastard!' It made me realise. About this bloody hat! Remember? When you asked me why I was wearing a hat made from fox fur, I told you it was because me mates back in Oz told me 'Wear the fox hat' because I was going to Auchtermuchty. But they didn't tell me anything, did they? They didn't tell me. They asked me. They said 'Where the fu...?"

"Steady on, old man!" said Frontbottom. "Calm down. Of course that's what they said. Surprised it's taken you this long to work it out. Still. Look on the bright side. This means you no longer need to wear that bloody awful headgear! Good show! What?"

"Nah," said Dogsbreath. "I've grown quite fond of it." He picked up the fox hat, dusted it off and clapped it back on his scone.

"Ah," said Frontbottom. "I see. Oh well."

Lustful Hugh approached. He eyed Dogsbreath's choice in millinery with a knowing glance.

"Fox hat, eh? Friends of yours tell you to wear it, did they?"

"Keep that up, son, and people will be calling you Smart. And you know what they say: no-one likes a Smart Bastard, eh? Now, what do you want and how did you get through the Rip? I don't recall authorising it."

Hugh Bastard went pale. "You don't recall .... You? Does that mean that .... you're a .... Oh Hell! You're a Rip Lord, aren't you?"

"Got it in one, cobber."

"But that upimself Irish bugger told me I'd be OK and I might find Uncle Captain Bastard the chef ...."

"You might but I'm more interested in how you managed to get here via the Rip. So ... explain or you'll find more trouble than either you or any other Bastard can handle."

"We-e-ell," said Lustful Hugh. "It's like this ..."

[Caliban]

... I was suffering from one or seven too many green beverages when I found myself in a deep and meaningful conversation with (and you're not going to believe this) a hamster. Rather nice chap 'e was too. Anyway he said that some bastard required my assistance in restarting his spaceship that had stalled some time ago...
I immediately thought it was a family emergency so I asked him where the spaceship had stalled. He replied Giza and when I asked him "where the f#@^'s that?" he said I'd fit right in and wouldn't elaborate, just pushed me through the rip and here I am...

[craigb]

"Now just a minute" interjected the cook, Captain Cook-Bastard, "I happen to come from a long line of Bastards, (on my father's side that is, obviously I'm a Cook on my mother's side, hence the double barelled name. In fact, we were originally called B'astard when we crossed the ditch with William the Conquerer).

"However, I digress. What I mean to say sir is you don't look like no Bastard to me! Oh no. Unless I'm very much mistaken you'd be a Jars not a Bastard"

"So obviously that makes you Lustfull Hugh Jars and I for one would very much like to hear you explain yourself"

Hugh looked at Dogsbreath and taking a deep breath he .....

[Driver]

... stamped his foot and burst into tears.

"Awwh, sheet!" said Dogsbreath. "Now look ..."

[Caliban]

here if you're going to frequent this part of the space time continuum you're going to need to toughen up. The cook was only taking the urine out of you. Anyone with half an iota (eye oh ta) of legitimacy can tell that you're a right bastard. Perhaps a little sooky, but a bastard nonetheless. The cook is used to dishing it out to family members, no matter how distant. Isn't that right Cookie? And you've gotta admit the huge #### twist of having a surname like Jars was pretty clever and quick.
Now give us a smile like a good little bastard and explain about this hamster friend of yours...

[Driver]

"We-e-ll," said the Lustful one. "All right. But only as long as no-one else makes any pejorative allusions to the size of my bottom! I've always been very sensitive to remarks about having a big bum." He pouted.

Frontbottom raised a cautionary finger.

"Word of advice, old lad. Don't spend too much time referring to your rear end whilst aboard this vessel. Particularly in or near the person of one Staines, a seaman. He's ashore at the moment, in a tavern, with a knob firmly grasped in his fist. Good man to avoid, my opinion."

Dogsbreath interrupted the Marine's little homily.

"Yair, right. Anyhow, about this hamster pushing you through the Rip. Did you get his name? And didn't you also mention an upimself Irishman?"

"No, I don't recall him mentioning his name. But he was a very convivial sort. For a hamster, that is. He seemed to be very pally with that Moichael O'Flatulence person. D'you know him? He's a cocky bugger, isn't he? He offered to dance but a bunch of Japanese sailors were in a corner of the bar and, when they heard he wanted to dance, they all waved some odd looking implements at him and shouted something about Edo era. He decided not to dance."

"So then what happened?"

"Well, he asked me my name and I told him - and he took exception, as usual. So I explained that I'm a member of the Bastard family. That was when he mentioned Uncle Captain Bastard, the cook. And that was when the hamster told me about this ship and pushed me through the wallpaper and I wound up here."

"Right," said Dogsbreath. He turned to Frontbottom. "Fancy a look at this bar he's talking about?"

"Why not, old man?" replied the Royal Marine - ready as always for a change in routine.

Dogsbreath grasped Lustful Hugh by the scruff of the neck, waved his pole and the three of them de-materialised.

Lustful Hugh experienced a sensation similar to having every molecule of his being de-constructed, shifted laterally by several meta-parsecs and re-assembled. Since this was pretty much what had happened to him, we should not be surprised that this is how he felt.

The atmosphere in the bar was a little more raucous than it had been when he left. The Japanese sailors were up on the tables, singing World Cup football songs and waving their catching thing instruments of the Edo era.

"Here Edo, here Edo, here Edo-o-o!"

However ....

[craigb]

when they eventually espied Dogrsbreath's staff, they suddenly stopped there raucous World Cup type behaviour and falling to their knees commenced bowing deeply toward Dogsbreath's person.

"I say old boy" said Frontbottom "rather a strange effect you have on these Johnnies, what?"

"Ar yeah" replied Dogsbreath "It's not me that causes it though. It's the Twig of Orgasmo wot does it".

Just then, one of the Edo fishermen....

[Caliban]

removed his shirt and gave it to frontbottom, unbuttoned the royal marine jacket that Frontbottom was wearing and put it on over his Japanese undergarment. Then he whipped out a 3g digital phone and snapped a photo of the two of them. Priceless!
All of his mates yelled encouragement until a very stern elderly one reprimanded them, saying....

[ernknot]

" You sirry irriot, waas se matter you huh? You dlinking to much Sake, it make ......."

[Caliban]

..you tink you in er mastercard advertizz ment."
Dying of shame the Edo warrior...

[AlexS]

...folded like an origami boulder and collapsed in a corner. His elderly colleague, struggling to hide his shame, turned on Frontbottom and shook him out of the Japanese T-shirt.

"Is most dishonorable to give Nipponese T-shirt World Cup Souvenir Thingy of the Edo era to pederastic gaijin round-eye", quoth the inscrutable one. "Can only redeem honour by ritual self-disembowelment." So saying, he siezed the Twig of Orgasmo from Dogsbreath and thrust it into the trembling hands of the bonsai bushido quivering in the corner.

"I say," said Frontbottom, "we can't have him disemboweling himself here, he'll get bloodstains all over the poop, not to mention on my jacket that he's wearing. Perhaps a more suitable penance would be for him to spend some time in that barrel over there....."

[Driver]

... where, with any luck at all, his number will come up and he'll be this week's Lotto Powerball! Ha ha!"

Frontbottom was so pleased with his witticism that he slapped Dogsbreath heartily upon the back.

"Turn it up, ya pommy drongo," said Dogsbreath, good-naturedly. "You'll knock off me fox hat."

"Ah, excuse me, prease." The captain of the Sushi Maru had joined the crowd in the bar. "Are I right in thinking you are wearing fox hat?"

"Yair, mate," said Dogsbreath. "And I'm hoping you're not going to make some smart@rsed remark about it like our mate here nearly did." He indicated Lustful Hugh.

"So," said Nakalaka-san. "I am very interested in the fox hat."

"No sheet," said Dogsbreath. "Why is that, me old China?"

"No," said Nakalaka-san. "Not ....