The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Caliban]

was feeling very faded and even the presence of sixteen burly hockey girlies and the promise of a shopping spree could not rouse him from the doldrums in which he lay.
If it wasn't for the sudden appearance of the entire cast of the Rocky Horror Show sans foilies he might never have survived long enough to ...

[Driver]

... hurl himself over the gunwale and swim back to the ship.

The girls were so outraged by the appearance of Frank N Furter and his peculiar mates that they were instantly distracted from their efforts to row across the galaxy. They gripped their hockey sticks, the light of battle in their adolescent eyes. Just as they were about to hurl themselves into the fray, the bows of their small craft struck hard against a large unyielding object, lying semi-submerged across their direct path. The occupants of the vessel were all thrown off their feet and into the bilges.

"What was that?!?" cried Penelope, staring over the bowsprit.

The object slowly and ponderously began to surface. A great stirring and disturbance of the ocean became apparent. A gargantuan waterspout hurtled skywards, accompanied by several small fish and a startled and formerly inattentive crew member. The mighty creature's awful features became more clearly discernible. OH NO! It couldn't be, could it? But yes - it was......it was.... it was ... SHE!

(Don't forget to tune into the next post in order to learn which awful creature has been disturbed from its watery exile. Toodle pip! ).

[ozwinner]

Just then the whole thing started all over again.

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the ship ....

the crew were wondering why the captain was prowling about the quarterdeck (windward side, of course), with his handy-size patented Captain's All-Purpose Repair Kit clutched in his fist while he gazed intently at a particular patch of sky, low on the portside horizon.

"Quartermaster!" he called.

"Aye, Aye, Sir!" said Seaman Staines (for it was he).

"Steer three points on the North-East quarter!" said the Captain.

"Three points it is, Sir!" quoth Staines.

"And send for the cabin boy! Can't bring his name to mind." said the Captain.

Staines, with a distinctly evil leer, said ...

[Iain]

'neither can I' but added, "I think his name is Neil of Ubeaut fame, with the shellawaxed......................

[craigb]

bugger me!

I think you must mean young ....

[ozwinner]

beating stick..............

[craigb]

Now "Young Beating Stick", was a character that hadn't previously appeared on the vessel. Being as he was what was once in less PC times called a Red Indian.

Nowadays of course, a Native American.

Young Beating Stick turned to Staines and said .....

[Driver]

"How!"

"Let me show you," said Seaman Staines, unbuckling his pantaloons.

Big mistake. Young Beating Stick instantly divined Staines' intent and proceeded to demonstrate how he got his name. His beautifully waxed stick rose and fell. Staines only fell. Rising was not on the immediate agenda for him, so he ...

[craigb]

decided to play possum.

Beating Stick cast his eye over the (very) motley group of onlookers and said....

"Right, anybody else unsure why I'm called Beating Stick?"

Frontbottom found he couldn't help himself, and perhaps unwisely, said:
"Yes, that's all well and good my man but how do you explain your...

[Caliban]

terrible case of sunburn, don't you watch the young inventors on the ABC, surely you must realise that sunburn that bad will result in..
Thankfully for all listening (or reading) Beating Stick silenced him with a stickly equivalent of an uppercut, saying "Is anyone else interested in making a smart alec and totally non politically correct comment about my skin colour?"
The slightly wet Mother Farquar who had just crawled over the bowsprit said...

[fxst]

'cop this you pouncy little escuse for a red idian' and with that she released her over the shoulder boulder holder in an expert imitation of a bolo which caught beating stick round the......

[Driver]

... tomahawk.

"Ooohh, me tomahawk!" he gasped. However, Young Beating Stick was a proud member of his tribe and this blow, devastating though it was, was not enough to render him hors de combat ("Muy aye hoolp?" said Crabtree. "BUGGER OFF!!" yelled the crew).

Young Beating Stick shook himself down, carefully adjusted his tomahawk, grasped his beating stick and, moving menacingly towards the Mother Farcquar ...

[echnidna]

... and when he reached her, some latin music broke out.
So they tangoed all night.

[Iain]

But was it the horizontal tango, the mind boggles..........

[fxst]

and once boggled fell out of Ians head and landed on the bare back of moby dick who just happened to fall thru the rip and onto the dancing couple to the.....