The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[silentC]

... a case of ants in his dacks.

Ants in his whats? Cried the crowd for the word,
All the years in these parts had ne'er been heard,
The best choice would be "slacks", and you will have observed,
That it rhymes as well, so it too would have served.

[Driver]

Meanwhile, things on the poop deck had - once more - taken a prosaic turn (background mumbling: "Fank Gawd for that, couldn't take much more of that bloody awful doggerel!").

The Mother Farcquar, having vented her spleen on the Hole In The Drawers Collective and bemoaned her parlous financial state, had retired to her bunk on the orlop deck and the ship was proceeding calmly across either the ocean or the outer reaches of the galaxy - it was sometimes difficult to tell.

Up went the call for the ship's navigator, also known as the Master

"Bates!" cried the Captain. "Bates! Where's the Master? Staines! Groans! Send for the cabin boy to find the Master!"

Staines with an evil leer said: "The cabin boy, sir? D'you mean Roger the .... the..."

[Caliban]

"No, you idiot!" bellowed the captain.
"Now is not the time for your perverted pleasure, there are laws against that sort of thing nowdays, I hear, I said send roger to find The Master.
Now!
So Roger for once in his life was able to turn his back on Staines, yet he didn't push his luck and scuttled away to find Mr Bates.
Meanwhile...

[Driver]

.... on the other side of the Rip, forces were conspiring to once more throw that scoundrel Chaos into the ostensibly ordered life aboard ship. (Cue threatening 'cello music from Jaws).

[ozwinner]

in the mean time in a galaxy far, far away.
The foiled one had received a parcel, and was, as we speak getting ready for the photo shoot............ (Cue threatening 'cello music from Jaws).

[Driver]

And a ghostly, disembodied voice was heard:

"Be afraid, be very afraid!"

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Iain]

but it was merely a new warning on NOkia's mobile phone range that the batteries need recharging......................

[craigb]

So as the good ship Very Litle Gravitas Indeed was either an eighteenth century ship of the line, or a 23rd century spaceship, the sound of a mobile phone ring tone was neither here nor there.

Suddenly, (in 18th century mode) Cap'n Nemo cried; 'Back the mainsail. Staines, furl the ta'gallent. Midshipmen Roger, convey my compliments to Master Bates and inform him he's required on the bridge'

The rest of the crew went all gooey at the sound of this nautical authority and, trembling, waited for Nemo's next order. Which was ...

[Caliban]

ignored by all and sundry because at that moment the evil giant decided enough was enough and in true Monty Python style started threatening individual crew members. So while Capt Nemo waited for his orders to be followed, the crew were trembling in fear of the giant who was...

[Driver]

.. an order of fries to accompany a half-pounder burger with the lot.

This entirely disappointed the crew, who immediately uttered a collective raspberry

"Thhrrrpppp!!" they said.

"What!" cried the captain and he ....

[craigb]

desparingly sighed.. 'just once I wish we could stay in period for more than a sentence. '

'I mean really, sometimes I wonder why I bother '(he muttered to himself).

It was whilst he was in this slough of despond that he almost missed mr midshipman Roger's cry of ...

[Caliban]

help I'm suffocating.

[Iain]

As one was prone to do when trapped in MOther Farquars cleavage........

[Driver]

Bates, the ship's Master, looked up quickly.

"What's this?' he said to himself. "First, Roger the Cabin Boy is promoted to Midshipman with absolutely no fanfare at all and then he is heard suffocating from down the front of the Mother Farcquar's frock! What the hell is going on?'

Sally looked up from the book and addressed the class once more.

"What do you think has happened, children?" she said.

"Ya silly mare!" said Billy. "You've gorn and turned over two pages at once!"

"Billy!" said Sally and she ...

[Caliban]

turned bright red as she remembered why the pages were stuck together.