The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Caliban]

in an attempt to imitate their red headed screen hero Vyvyen, were trying to cook toast in the video player. The girl guides being the helpful souls they were, said...

[Driver]

"STOP SODDIN' AROUND WITH THE VIDEO PLAYER, YOU HALF-WITS AND TELL US WHICH ONE'S THE BLOODY PURSER!"

They brandished their hockey sticks in a threatening manner and succeeded in cowing the sailors into submission. One of the sailors had an inspirational thought. He stepped forward.

"Excuse me, girls," he said. "The big lady with the apron is the purser."

The Girl Guides wheeled as one and accosted the Mother Farcquar (who was still being attacked by Staines and Groans).

"Pay up!' they demanded. "One sandwich and one teacake - that's three dollars, please."

The Mother Farcquar scowled at them and ...

[craigb]

said "Someone's been telling porkies. I'm not the Purser, Portnoy's the Purser."

"That's him over there by the Binacle. I warn you though, he's a rum cove."

With that, the guides left the Mother F to her dancing and approached the Binacle.

The chief guide was just about to ask for her $3.00 when suddenly she realised what Portnoy was doing.

You see Portnoy had...

[Iain]

been directed to clean the toilet on the poop deck, or was that the poop off the toilet deck, anyway he saw a chance to duckshove this dirty deed upon the ever willing to assist Girl Guides.
'Over ere, me little lovelies' he crooned, and the Guides, lulled into a sense of false security approached the lecherous Portnoys.
He immediately.................

[Driver]

... delved into the dubious depths of his capacious pantaloons and whipped out ....





.... a bag of lollies - which he offered to the guides with a particularly sleazy smile. They rejected the smile, accepted the lollies, extracted $3.00 from him and left Portnoy with a complaint.

He took the complaint to the captain, who ...

[echnidna]

said you'd better go see the doctor straight away...

[Iain]

for the bag of lollies he extracted hurriedly from his pantaloons was in fact his...................

[Caliban]

gambling winnings

[Driver]

Meanwhile, back at the Fete Worse Than Death, the Girl Guides were gambolling about, celebrating their discovery of several thousand dollars in a rumpled paper bag.

The Hole In The Drawers Gang had collapsed in an untidy heap, having exhausted themselves with their efforts in tackling a difficult arrangement of "Tulips From Amsterdam" and a pair of the Mother Farcquar's knackered knickers simultaneously.

A small group of Francophone characters was lurking near the canvas sides of one of the fete's tents. The group comprised Clouseau, Poirot and Flash Dordogne (it didn't include Crabtree because he can't actually speak French, of course). As usual with any gathering of more than one French speaker, they were complaining about the fact that English, not French, is the language of international trade.

Clouseau was about to make a point - or, in his case - he was abert to mek a pwant when, from nowhere, Kato hurtled at him, samurai sword held high! Clouseau ducked, Kato went flying into - and through- the tent's canvas side. This was instantly revealed as The Rip In The Fabric etc etc as a horde of ...

[Caliban]

of Aliens from the planet Melmac. (anyone remember the name of the Alien from Melmac? hint he liked to eat cats)free greenie to the first correct answer.
These Aliens immediately saw the ship's cat and set off chasing it, straight into the Mother Farquar's...

[Iain]

Alluring
Large
Frock
Which was the best I could think of to get a greenie, meanwhile, Mother Farquar had been offered a post by the Vatican as MOther Superior Farquar, she contemplated this move and considered her position on board as the ships..............

[Caliban]

cat protector. Whereupon she grabbed all the alf type aliens by the scruffs of their collected necks, stuffed them into an old pair of her knickers and threw them overboard. But as all who follow this thread know, that didn't mean they actually landed in the water. Instead they flew through TRITFOTU and scared the living daylights out of...

[Caliban]

cat protector. Whereupon she grabbed all the alf type aliens by the scruffs of their collected necks, stuffed them into an old pair of her knickers and threw them overboard. But as all who follow this thread know, that didn't mean they actually landed in the water. Instead they flew through TRITFOTU and scared the living daylights out of...

[Driver]

... a group of utterly normal people who were innocently enjoying a barbecue in a suburban backyard.

At the sight of a group of aliens struggling to free themselves from a monstrous pair of old knickers that had materialised out of nowhere onto the neatly trimmed lawn adjoining the newly renovated patio, one of the blokes standing by the barbie said:

"Strewth, Wayne! Where the hell did you get that cleanskin red!"

Wayne, momentarily distracted from the snaggers and sirloin, was a bit nonplussed.

"I'm a bit nonplussed, Santo," he said. "The bloke at the grog shop said it was a good drop but he didn't say anything about hallucinations involving old knickers and alien life forms that look strangely familiar! Come and have a look at this Narelle!"

His wife looked across at the blokes around the barbie, glanced towards the voluminous knickers and said:

"How many times, Wayne? How many times have I got to tell you to throw out those old rags you use for Gawd knows what purpose in that shed? Look at the mess you've made! And in front of Sophia and Santo, too! How could you? Get rid of it!"

Wayne, nonplussed though he undoubtedly was, reacted swiftly to the edge of genuine annoyance in the voice of his life's partner. He swung a well-aimed and accurate foot. The alien-life-form bearing knickers disappeared over his backyard fence and, with amazing unpredictability, described a trajectory that took them straight through the Rip In The Fabric Of The Universe, whereupon they ...

[Caliban]

landed right smack bang in the loungeroom of a rather unlikely group of British flatmates. Namely,
Rick (with a silent "P") (no relation to Darren)
Neil (a long haired whingeing hippy type)
Vyvyen (a red haired, body pierced, punk)
and
...bollocks, I've forgotten his name. Anyone remember the young ones?
who were at that moment trying to bludge some sugar from the nice respectable people next door so they could throw the cup into the fire in a last ditch effort to keep warm.
However when the knickers full of furry alf like aliens landed our British friends were overjoyed with the prospects of several living, non human sources of warmth and proceeded to...