The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Driver]

"It's tome this voosell mede sim proogross! Coost iff - fare and ooft! Brook eet the fare t'gillants and sploce the meen brooce! All hounds on deeck!"

Amazingly enough, the crew seemed to understand what it was that Captain Crabtree required because they successfully engaged the mighty vessel's warp drive and promptly wafted across the galaxy at Ridiculous Speed.

This caused not a little consternation amongst the Francophone newcomers. Poirot's moustaches (you're right about the use of the plural form, Brother Silent - bit of a Gallic affectation, it seems). As I was saying, Poirot's moustaches were badly affected by the enormous shift in the space/time continuum consequent upon deployment of the ship's warp drive and they drooped sadly athwart the Belgian's prissy little chops. Flash Dordogne's skin-tight jump suit wrinkled badly under the stress, leaving him unable to strike the kind of manly and athletic poses that were his wont.

Clouseau, on the other hand (forgotten all that stuff about minkeys, reums and Kato, had you? Big mistake - Clouseau was there all right). Clouseau, on the other hand was not at all put out by the sudden gigantic intergalactic leap.

"I'm going to my reum to diffuse this bermb!" he declared.

"Bermb?!!?' said ...

[Iain]

Mother Farquar, diffuse my berm, thankyou, my emeroids are axtroomli pinfel, ploos purse them soo I mee by abel to sloop toneet................
didn't noo aah cood spake fronch dood yee

[Driver]

didn't noo aah cood spake fronch dood yee

(massage for Eiaowen from the Captoon: Er you attoompting to teke tha pooss?)

[ozwinner]

didn't noo aah cood spake fronch dood yee

Schoolyard Willie, welcome to the BB.

Al

[ozwinner]

(massage for Eiaowen from the Captoon: Er you attoompting to teke tha pooss?)

Hey Col.
Dont go taking the p!ss out of our Willie!!

Al

[Caliban]

Ignore him Col
You milk it for all it's worth.

[Driver]

(Listen, fellas, I keep trying to tell you, it's not me who speaks like that - it's bloody Crabtree!)

Meanwhile, back on the ship, the Mother Farcquar was attempting to respond to Clouseau's invitation to help him with his bermb. Little did the poor French fool realise that he would have been better advised just to shoot himself.

The Mother Farcquar, with an evil leer, reached over to adjust Clouseau's trenchcoat when, out of nowhere, a small black-clad Oriental person hurtled across, samurai sword aloft and crashed into the Mother Farcquar, uttering a wild oriental cry of ...

[ozwinner]

Bonsaiiiiiiiii.....................

[Driver]

... and presented the Mother Farcquar with a little tree ...

[Caliban]

unfortunately for him, he tripped, sending the tree flying right into the...

[ozwinner]

lap of Mother Farcquar.....

[echnidna]

... and his sword went flying into ....

[Caliban]

the very fabric of the universe. Which always seems to have catastrophic consequences in this story. (Almost as bad as being a doofus or being precious about searching for things, but not as bad as criticising someone's spelling.But, I digress)
The consequence this time was that...

[Driver]

... a wormhole was opened into another dimension, where the dominant life-forms were various manifestations of chisel and plane blade sharpening jigs and guides.

An entire regiment of these esoteric objects, led by a particularly imposing Field Marshal Veritas Honing Guide Mk II, instantly invaded the ship. With many a threatening swoosh, they rounded up the human crew and herded them into the bowels of the ship. They even managed to quell the Mother Farcquar by applying a particularly nasty back-bevel to her enormous and threatening hindquarters. Down into the bowels she descended.

However, all was not entirely lost for, just as the sharpening jigs and guides were beginning to celebrate their success, Clouseau emerged from his reum, clutching his bermb. Thoughtlessly, he clicked his cigarette lighter near the fuse. The resultant shower of sparks was enough to make him hurl the bermb away from him:

"Fire!" he yelled, a trifle inappropriately (but then, when was Clouseau ever appropriate?).

On command, the jigs and guides loosed off their weapons and wiped each other out.

Clouseau ...

[Caliban]

without realising how bad a pun he was about to make said
"that was a close shave."
When the rest of the crew heard this utterance they...