The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Driver]

... but since he had failed to pass on this revelation to the wider community, he had condemned any other penguins suffering from a cork-jammed beak to a short and painful future.

The waddling little dinner-suited git suffered immediate and appropriate retribution when he strutted forth from the cupboard and was promptly trodden flat by the Mother Farcquar who was stomping about the 'tween decks in search of further victims of her evil lusts.

Thus it was that the beneficial effects of the frat were snatched from common understanding just as they were on the verge of being revealed.

"Bugger!" said Staines.

"We know you are!" chorused the entire crew and ...

[Caliban]

(...despite being noticeably absent from this thread for several months, Heave-ho had no trouble picking up the gist of procedings)and just as it seemed to him that things couldn't get any worse...through the rip in the fabric of the universe, who should appear but roger, just in time to be...

[Driver]

... assailed by a rousing chorus of "Yo! Heave-Ho!' from the American crew members who had spotted the arrival of Heave-Ho and had remembered that, in addition to his inability to spell, he had a marked disinclination to pay up on his gambling losses. The Americans had - some time earlier - conned Brother Ho into an ill-advised game of craps and had ripped him off something fierce.

In the commotion of events surrounding the Worksafe inspectors, union officials and HR managers, young Heave had managed to absent himself. His reappearance now was ill-timed. The seppos had not forgotten him or his debts and with many a merry cry of: "Yo! Heave, ol' buddy! How's it hangin'? Where's our money?" - they pursued him into the fo'csle.

Roger, grateful for the diversion, proceeded to ...

[Iain]

put all his previous correspoondance thru the spell chequer, realising his spelling error, spoondance, inspired him to dance a jig and attempt to make a fortune.
Things were progressing nicely when an extremely irate psuedo Irishman, Michael Flatley, arrived on the scene and, in a psuedo seppo/Irish accent, announced, Begorrah, Bejaze Roger, oi'll have your nuts for this (which he was keeping for the hamsters), Roger was caught offguard and replied.........

[craigb]

why are you pretending to be Michael Flately when everybody knows your real name is Sean O'Bollox?

[silentC]

"Yes, you are correct, 'tis I, Sean O'Bollox, the RiverDunce. Long have I desired to be like Michael Flately, with his bouncy hair and silly pouncey prancing about - but alas it was never to be because I was born with a disability so grave in it's nature, so cruel in its irony, so wicked in its... wickedness... that I could no sooner rise above it than it smite me back down. For you see, I ...

[Iain]

was born without a reproductive appendage, which I never noticed until my O'Bollox was Sean, however, this allows me to perform some truly cunning stunts on stage such as..............

[Driver]

... the famous Twisting Double-Helix Ankle Tap! I actually won a prize for performing this in a competition. With unbelievably cruel irony, the prize was a jumbo-size container of Max Factor Knacker Lacquer (muffled cries from the lower decks of: "It Adds A Lustre To Your Cluster!")."

O'Bollox stifled a sob.

"Yes! Can you believe it? They actually presented me with the one item that above all else could have been designed to drive home to me the terrible gap in my life (and, come to that, my pantaloons). This never would have happened to that bloody Michael Flately!"

[silentC]

"But" cried Roger, "did you not know that your idol, the Lord of the Prance himself, is also devoid of loose dangly objects. How else do you think he can wear those tight pants without shedding a tear? You poor fool, he too would have collapsed on the stage if presented a jar of that wonderful stuff, for it is as much use to him as it is to you. There's nary a lustre to his cluster, unless it is provided by the efforts of the housekeeper in the Galway Inn in which it is proudly displayed."

"But how? How could such a cruel fate have befallen my hero?" wailed Sean of the vacant trousers.

"Well," began Roger, "it was a dark and stormy night ...

[Iain]

and he was muchly under the influence of that Irish brew, Bushmills, suddenly feeling the urge to relieve himself and wandered off down a dark corridor, it was dark befcause no one had paid the power bill or not able to find the switch.
He opened a door and assuming, quite incorrectly, that it was a toilet started to remove his pantaloons, for being Irish there was no zippers.
Being unsteady on his feet and in the dark he decided the performance should be conducted in a sitting position, and the deed duly done he stood up.
What he did not know was that he was in fact in a cleaning cupboard and he had sat on a mop bucket and upon standing up his foot press down on the lever that activated the rollers.
There was a blood piercing scream from within the cupboard and it was realised that...................

[Caliban]

Roger would now also have a future career as a river duncer and soprano (or should I say mop straino?) maybe that is that he was now a spoonerism :confused: :confused: :confused:
Anyway, Heave Ho who had been hiding from the seppos in the cupboard, said "Bloody hell, roger you poor boy a man can't live with injuries like that!" And picking roger up he did what any true Aussie who was being pursued by rich predators and seeing no option would do, jumped into a billabong, singing "You'll never catch us alive...

[Driver]

Well ... he thought it was a billabong. It wasn't, of course. The incidence of billabongs on ocean-going craft is so low as to be undetectable. What Brother Ho and the emasculated Roger had so rashly plunged into was, in fact, merely the hatches leading to the orlop deck wherein lurked the Mother Farquar, who ...

[Caliban]

who offered Heave ho the chance of double or nothing on his outstanding gaming debts. He accepted but on the condition that the game would be...

[ozwinner]

Strip leap frog!!!!!:eek:

[Driver]

... in rushed Staines, eager to join in the new game. As he ran, he attempted to unbuckle his pantaloons. This was a mistake. He tripped and executed an immaculate double-gainer with tuck and pike as he plunged headlong into the Mother Farquar's cleavage. Only his feet remained in view, kicking and struggling.

Much muffled ...