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I got the idea for this thread from Open Slather, I don't see why it can't be continued here (as long as we keep it clean).
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started ...
A couple were sound asleep, when a loud clatter from outside startled them awake.
"Quick, It must be my husband," she cried.
The bloke leapt out the window and streaked down the drive, tripping over the cat that'd knocked the bin over. A few minutes later, he struggled back in through the window...
"I AM your husband," he roared.
"Then why were you running?" she snapped back.
And that's how the fight started... :p
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And that's how the fight started ....
I was driving along and accidentally hit a car, we pulled over and a dwarf hops out of the car, he says 'Im not happy!' so i respond, 'Then which one are you?' and thats when the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 100 K's, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started....
The wife came into the lounge room "I want to get bigger breasts and it's going to cost $15000."
"No way, we don't have that sort of money. Wait here"
Off he went and came back a minute later. "Here try this"
"What is it?"
"Toilet paper"
"How is that going to make anything bigger?"
"Well it's done wonders on your butt"
And that's when the fight started...
A soldier returned from Europe after WW2, with a foreign bride. She spoke little English, but they got along well.
One day, she was ailing, and he suggested she visit a doctor while he was at work.
When he returned home that evening, she was seated on the sofa, with bruises everywhere. He asked her, "What happened to you?"
She replied, "Well, I visited the doctor, and he said he needed a specimen. I asked our neighbor, 'What is a specimen?' She said, "Pee in the bottle." I told her to s**t in her hat, and that's when the fight started."
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started ....
The wife was whinging why the lawnmower had been dead for three weeks and why i hadn't fixed it.
Told her between the pub and the shed etc there was just not enough time.
Came home from work the next arvo and she must have been trying make a point because she was on her knees in the backyard,cutting the lawn with a little pair of nail scissors.
I went inside and got a toothbrush and went back out to her.
She asked why the toothbrush and i told her she could sweep the driveway after she finished the lawn.
That is when the fight started.
My wife walked into the lounge & asked "Whats on the TV?" I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
SWMBO said she had to buy another bottle of her favourite perfume. "Didn't I buy a big bottle just last September?"
"well yes, but that's what happens when you use it"
I thought I'd be clever and hide half the new bottle and cut it with turps, and that's when the fight started...
While I was away before Easter, SWMBO rang asking for the key to my shed, which she never found. Next time she rang to say she got into the shed and not to worry about the mess in the garage, she had to rumage through a few tools and toolboxes to find one to open the shed.
I said I hoped it wasn't the corner of a Colen Clenton square the she used... and that's how the fight started (true story)
Cheers
Michael
I asked my wife if she wanted to go to Hawaii or Africa for a holiday. She said Hawaii so I said I would go to Africa...
and thats how the fight started
Last year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were going out for the evening and she
said she wanted to be seen in something "brown and flowing"
... so on the way I threw her into the Yarra River.
And that's how the fight started.
Allan
The wife came out of the bedroom wearing her new negligé and asked "what would you say to something sexy and alluring tonight?"
"I'd say 'No thanks, I'm married.'"
And that's when the fight started.
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
HWMNBO, currently on holidays, came out to the shed at 6pm and asked, "if you don't mind, are you gonna be cooking me tea sometime soon...." and that's how the fight started.......
RufflyQuote:
Originally Posted by RufflyRustic
That sounds like a real life experience.
Most (actually all) of the jokes I've posted in this thread are borrowed from emails sent to me, the next one is from real life.
One night, several years ago SWMBO came home from work and told me that she, and several work collegues were going to the Chelsea Heights Hotel (local watering hole) for the Friday Over 28's Night (also known locally as grope a granny night). My reply to this was, "is that the over 28 stone night?" And that's when the s#!t hit the fan.
SWMBO is an ardent/avid/obsessive horse nut. I thought I'd cheer her up by asking if I could get a quarter horse, which did make her smile. When I finished by saying a full one won't fit in the freezer, that's when the fight started...
Cheers
Michael
She said, "..And that's another thing, you have no sense of humour"
I said " I married you didn't I?"
and that's when the fight got worse
Daughters ex rang and said "hello"
that's when the fight started...
Got lots of strange looks here at work, you made me laugh coffee out my nose!Quote:
Originally Posted by mic-d
:D Sure is :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Barry_White
Here's another: HWMNBO comes into my shed wanting a piece of timber this long by this wide and about this thick. He spots the last piece of expensive timber I have for a commissioned project, grabs it and runs before I can stop what I'm doing and give chase ... and that's how that fight started :doh:
I showed SWMBO this thread...
and that's how the fight started.......
I logged onto the forum tonight........
thats how the fight started :-
Father (who is at this time a priest) comes home and tells wife that he's been having an affair, for 8 years, with the same woman as last time, and thats how the fight started.
My mate came over the other night and asked
"How's your wife?"
I replied, "Compared to whom".
And that's how the next round of the fight started.
Allan
http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com...62&postcount=8
And that's how the fight started... :rolleyes:
SWMBO said "I was a fool when I married you"
So I said "Yes dear, but I was in love, so I didn't notice"... And that's when the fight really kicked into gear!
Cheers,
Dave
SWMBO told me I never say anything nice or positive about her family, so I told her that her mother-in-law was nicer than my mother-in-law. And that's when the fight started.
Came home late the other night, reeking of cheap perfume, covered in lipstick and more than a little drunk. Staggered up to the Mrs, slapped her on the bum and said "Your'e next fatty" Thats when the fight started.:D