Wank Words

Do you keep falling asleep during meetings?
Here’s something to change all that.
WANKwords
How to play:
Simply tick off 5 Wank Words as they are mentioned in one meeting and shout out BINGO! It’s that easy!

SYNERGIES
TAKE THAT OFFLINE
STRATEGIC FIT
AT THE END OF THE DAY
GAP ANALYSIS
BEST PRACTICE
BOTTOM LINE
CORE BUSINESS
LESSONS LEARNT
TOUCH BASE
REVISIT
GAME PLAN
BANDWIDTH
HARDBALL
SHOW STOPPERS
THE FULL 9 YARDS
BENCH MARKING
BIG PICTURE
VALUE ADDING
MOVERS & SHAKERS
BALL PARK
PROACTIVE NOT REACTIVE
WIN WIN SITUATION
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
FAST TRACK
RUN IT UP THE FLAGPOLE
EMPOWER EMPLOYEES
MOVE GOAL POSTS
BREAD & BUTTER
RESULTS DRIVEN
SLIPPERY SLIDE
TICKS IN BOXES
MINDSET
KNOCK ON EFFECT
PUT THIS ONE TO BED
NO BLAME


TESTIMONIALS FROM OTHER PLAYERS:
“I had only been in the meeting 5 minutes when I yelled BINGO”
“My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically”
“It’s a breeze, meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win”
“The atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop as 32 of us listened intently for the elusive fifth”
“The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed bingo for the third time in 2 hours”
“People are even listening to mumblers thanks to WANKwords”
“Bonza! You could have cut the atmosphere with a cricket stump as we waited for the fifth delivery”

Bit late sport.

We've been playing this bingo for about 18 months. Takes about 2 minutes to score, mainly in the US. We used to only go to 3 on the list. That proved too easy, so we increased to 10.

You need to add a number of truisms and terms.

My particular favourite is:

"Our artillery shells are going long! Crossing the trenches and falling into no-mans land"

This gem from a faggy, US wanker marketing manager who brings us our favourite anti-virus product.

Bat where are you?

You've been reading the Victoria Police Communications Manual haven't you. :rolleyes:

Here's a few more I've encountered at work

paradigm shift
overarching and underpinning concept
capstone/keystone document
strategic business case
fundamental inputs to capbility
key stakeholders

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DanP

You've been reading the Victoria Police Communications Manual haven't you. :rolleyes:

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Isn't there a some sort class at the Police Academy where they teach these sort of phrases like "assisting us with our inquiries" ?

No. That's a special media course that's beyond the rank and file such as me. :rolleyes:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dion N

1. strategic business case

2. key stakeholders

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Damm I am writing 1 for delivery to 2 at the moment........:eek::eek::eek:

May have to add it to the bottom of the next presentation I do, and if anyone gets bingo they get a prize....:D:D

Bob,

Just a little one, but no list is complete without it......

"Lets not boil the ocean here, people"

What the hell does that mean, and what sort of halucinatory drug was he on when he thought that little beaut up??

The most embarassing thing is the wally who uses these without feeling embarassed about saying them.....at the end of the day.

Be careful out there, people.

Anthony

You forgot the most used,

Going forward:mad: :mad: :mad:

Cheers, Jack

In everyday usage, mainly by sports commentators:

Forward progress
Continuing on
Verse (should be versus, this ain't poetry)
The criteria (in the singular)
Darryl Eastlake - why doesn't someone shoot him? BAT....

AND:

Nice work people.

When your the only one in the room :confused:

Dan

An amusing one by a commentator some time ago, commentating the female weightlifting, "This lifter (can't remember name) has got a great snatch" :D:D:D:D:D

Wooden Luddite,

He was clearly an undersea smoker - one of those submarine volcanic vents belching hydrogen sulphide and other noxious gases.

Rocker

In the past I have had occasion to enter meetings and sit in agony as they "drill down" into a subject...... when I complained, I was talked down, which is nothing like drilling down, but feels similar....... but once I just had to crack it with the fine folk around me - the manager explained why they had to drill down - it was (of course) in order to "gain traction" FFS! I confronted them all to seriously think through what the hell they were saying and to STOP all the verbal gymnastics. At the end of the day, (which bloody day!!!!????) dejargonizing is a most worthy objective and as someone who works to do this for people, I feel strongly that the battle is far from won.

Especially in local government - I just read a bunch of funding submissions for a thing called "streetlife" a program to enhance the presentation and appeal of local strip shopping centres. All I can say is I recognized each word as English and understood none of them.

BTW my all time UNfavourite is "going forward" - which bright spark came up with that rubbish?

have fun! Or should I say, it is my fervent hope that you will derive extraordinary pleasure and satisfaction from embracing the day in all its natural and resilient splendour.

peace, brothers and sisters

this thread reminded me there are a bunch of ideas out there for how to ensure meetings go along smoothly. here are a couple:

Things to do in Office Meetings

1. Take notes in finger paint.

9. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

11. Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

15. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

21. Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

27. At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply. MY FAVE

We had a bunch of wanker consultants from the good ole you ess of aay come into our company (IT dept of a major bank) and tell us how to run things. One of the things they used to say was "you have to have some skin on the table". No-one ever knew what it meant, still don't...

A few buzz phrases from my work lately include:

change management
implications

Departure Lounge!

cheers
RR

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by silentC

they used to say was "you have to have some skin on the table". No-one ever knew what it meant, still don't...

---

It means you have to be hands-on apaprently

...or is it hand-on?

:D

Did you Google it? I never thought of that. I always thought it was related to having your nads on the table. It always felt like that anyway ;)

..hands on it?

How about "passion"?

"We are passionate about cost-control." I knew it was time to get out when some head office wanker said that to me during a meeting a couple of years ago.

The same dill - during the same meeting - several times said: "Talk to me." This was his phrase of choice when someone else was about to explain something. The dialogue went like this:-

Someone else: "I think I know why that happened ..."
Dill: "Talk to me."
(Pause)
Someone Else: "Well .... (etc)

(I should explain that this was a small meeting - six of us - all of roughly equal status. The dill was not the most senior man in the room and he wasn't chairing the meeting. His verbal tactics were designed to lever the influence and authority his way).

After this had happened several times, the bugger said it to me:

Me: "Here's what is happening in WA ..."
Dill: "Talk to me."
Me: "I'm talking to everyone. Stop interrupting."
Dill: "You must excuse me, you have to understand that we are passionate about cost control."
Me: "In that case, I seriously suggest that you should get out more often. A wider spectrum of interest might help you to stop spouting jargon, too."

I'd like to report that this had some permanent salutary effect on the dill. It didn't. He behaved himself for the rest of that meeting but resumed his irritating habits fairly quickly.

I love the ones who can't pronounce their own buzzwords. We had a guy (g'day Jean-Paul if you are listening) who was elevated to a management position while he was still in nappies. He used to say things like "we have been through a number of iterations in testing and blah blah blah" except he pronounced it 'eye-terations'. Cracked me up every time. He must have read it in a textbook but never heard it said.

You all have to learn to thinbk out side the square!!!!
My Father once disgraced himself at a meeting in the Public Service when they were talking about 'New Directions'.
He suggested it was running around in circles but in the opposite direction.

I suggest you all "get with the program," realise "whos paying the bills," stop " deriving pleasure from the assertations that some folk are less than ept," think "outside the square" with respect to whats "currently up the flagpole" and "get onboard with managament directives" after all we are "all one team".

Understand ? whats wrong with you wankers eh ? dont you understand the Prime Ministers English ? Are youse retarded ?

Big business has not time for you dissidents who cant play the game... :mad:

Have you noticed that pollies in particular but quite a few other people who are frequently interviewed on the telly have developed a nasty habit of emphasising their points by wagging their heads sideways?

This habit amongst the turdbrained must be a result of common schooling. Somewhere in Canberra there are classes they all attend to learn how to conduct themselves during media moments. The PR wankers who run these classes have convinced the turdbrained that head-wagging lends their pronouncements extra gravitas. It doesn't, of course. It merely serves to make them even less plausible than they might previously have seemed.

Watch out for this in the corporate world. Ambitious fast-trackers ape what they see on the telly.

Soon, in a meeting or conference room near you, head-wagging will be evident.

Keep an eye out for this development. It is on its way!

As an antidote and an alternative to Wank Word Bingo (an excellent game, by the way!), you could try this:-

When a corporate wanker says something inane - declaring his passion for some abstruse concept, for example - and he accompanies his pronunciamento with a judiciously emphatic head-wag, I recommend that you respond thus:-

"There is something in what you say."

What? - I hear you say. Isn't this providing encouragement to wankers everywhere? Well, no. Y'see, when you say: "There is something in what you say," - the something you have in mind is a tall, steaming, conical pile of horse poo. The phrase works particularly well in meetings when other attendees are in on the stunt. They will all conjure a mental image of the poo pile every time you use the phrase.

Try it. It's very effective.

Had a master wank-worder at work who could talk for half an hour without saying anything. Even I had to admit defeat when trying to pin him down, but a young lady at one meeting upset him when, after he'd taken a long ramble through the verbal jungle, she asked him, "Could you tell us what you've just said?"
She said it so innocently that it could have been accidental. It wasn't, of course.

One would like to assert that my considered post (above) was indiscriminatly delivered of a red negtively inclined reputation standard by one SilentC, a well known lower ranks dissident intent on inciting misdirectives and dissention to his fellow team mates.

Thank John for the new labour laws - all is not lost; We can still regain our market leader position dspite the negative impact of the above stated individual - counselling will be considered and in due course dismissal if performance objectives are not reached by the counselled party.

Signed,

Management.

Our Philisophies :

1) Qanlity, thats right Quanlity for all our customers.

2) Dont wait for someone else to light the end of the tunnel, march up there and light the thing yourself!

Oooooh, you're SO lucky I can't give you two in a row :p

empathic is another one...

BIL tells me that one of the newer ones in the corporate world is 'picking the lower hanging fruit' translated as 'path of least resistance' translated as easiest way to make a profit

Quote:

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Originally Posted by womble

empathic is another one...

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Is that akin to being, and I quote" Overcoming Being Unconsciously Empathic in Favor of Being Intentionally Multi-Dimensionally Connected" ? :D This from a commercial web site that shall remain nameless (unless you do a 'Google' on 'empathic' :D :D )

What a shower of sheeet :rolleyes:

Trouble is the twits who coin these wank words really do think they're clever.

They don't realise it just proves they are poor communicators who probably flunked english at school.

Just been getting a good reminder of hype merchants while reading a couple of ebooks.

Don't be mean Bob. The incompetent would produce spiel that you can understand. It takes skill to be truly incoherent.

Richard