A collection of truly awful one-liners

I got this lot this morning from a certain federal minister's advisor - be warned!!!



Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
**********
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
**********
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
**********
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
**********
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
**********
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
**********
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
**********
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
*********************
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
**********
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
**********
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then check his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
**********
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
**********
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too
high.'
**********
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

**********
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

**********
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

**********
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

A horse walked into a bar
the barman said "why the long face?"

*************
a blind man walked into a bar

A messy bit of rope walks into a bar,
the barman says "are you a bit of string? we dont serve string in this here pub"
the rope says "Afraid not"

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Bruce is tinkering with his car in the carpark of the local,
Sheila walks past and says "Whatcha doing Bruce ?"
Bruce sez, "Piston broke"
Sheila replies, "Yeah I know but what are you doing?"

********************

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

http://funny2.com/bar.htm

Hey Daddles :D :D :D

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brudda

Hey Daddles :D :D :D

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator

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I'm not that mean to animals, even alligators.

As for the rest of you, at your ages, you should be ashamed :D
Dammit, I giggled and got meusli all over the keyboard

Richard

Did my baby seal overstep the mark? Zed liked it.

David

Quote:

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Originally Posted by davidt

Did my baby seal overstep the mark? Zed liked it.

David

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Some didn't. :rolleyes:

If that's the baby seal joke I'm thinking of, then some people are truly pathetic. :mad:

Dan

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a Bundy and ...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Coke"

The bartender says "why the long pause?"
The bear says "I was born with them"

A Giraffe walks into a bar to celebrate and says " The Hi-balls are on me"

I don't know the baby seal one, someone PM me please

DanP and outback,

please check your PMs.

David

Thanks for the PM, I guess some people don't like underage drinkers.

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The barman says, "We've got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "What, Kevin?"

It's getting dangerously close to "why did the chicken cross the road?" stuff here. ;)

Oh, what baby seal joke? Puhleeaze???

Not the baby seal joke, but ...

Q. How do you catch a seal?
A. Cut a hole in the ice, and sprinkle peas around it. When the seal comes up for a pea, kick it in the icehole.

Schtoo,

check your PM's.

David

two eggs getting boiled in a pot of water, one egg says to the other "boy it's hot in here" the other one says "you think this is bad wait till you get out, they smash your head in and dig out your guts and eat them".

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zenwood

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

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An atom walks in to a bar,
Atom - "I think I've lost an electron",
Bartender - "Are you sure?"
Atom - "Yes, I'm positive"

A sausage and an egg are cooking in a frying pan.

The sausage says, "Boy its hot in here."

And the egg says,"Ahhhh, a talking sausage!!!"