The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

worse than having Klingons off the starboard bow, or bats in the belfry, or any number of overused and much abused cliches that this story seems plagued with. Or should I have written "with which this story is plagued"?
Anyway, I digress, which is just about par for this course. Speaking of which, the captain gave orders to set the course for...

Uranus.

Roger the Cabin boy groaned "Not again!" and turned towards ...

Number One. Who cried "Aye Aye Cap'n. But begging your pardon sir, was it the rings around Uranus that you were wanting me to steer for first?"

Nemo fixed him with a steely glare and said ....

"Look out, here comes Fellatio Hornblower"

Nemo was right because though the rip in the fabric of the universe came Fellatio Hornblower dressed in ...

nothing but a goatskin cape and .....

a pair of Argyle golf socks.

And a Bellingham fire dept shirt and a foil lined cap, a silly expression on his face and an empty wallet. He would have had a low angle jack plane but recent complications had left him way too confused, so instead he was carrying a...

bucket full of ...

yabbys

holding rosary beads.......................

and a packets of Tim Tams.

Fellatio removed his teeth. Everyone became concerned and covered their privates with what ever was at hand. That was everyone except Roger the Cabinboy who was quietly relieved.

Nemo got on his knees and ...

prayed.

Yes, he prayed that just once his orders would be obeyed by the mottley bunch of misfits that it was his misfortune to have as crew.

Suddenly number one exclaimed "We've been through the ring captain and we are now standing off Uranus".

Nemo got to his feet and said....

"Where's Susan?"

"because if you knew Suzy like I knew Suzy.."

That was all of the Al Jolson number that he was able to get out however, beacuse suddenly the mother Farquar appeared and gave him a good slap around the chops.

"Get a grip on yourself you miserable little weasel" she cried.

"You've sent us to Uranus and me and the rest of this bunch of ner' do wells would like to know what your intentions are".

Well this put the wind up Nemo good and proper.

Taking several backward steps he stammered ..

"Madam I'll have you know that my intentions are decidedly honourable"
But that didn't convince anyone on board, with the possible exception of Roger, because they all saw that he had crossed his fingers behind his back (and his eyes behind roger's).
Whereupon the Mother Farquar roared...

...."Belay all that whinging, Misery Guts!" she roared. "This vessel deserves a captain with some integrity, some ability and, above all, a nice clean apron!"

She re-arranged her appalling features into what she fondly believed to be a simpering smile.

"In short," she said. "This vessel needs me as its captain. I'm taking command, as of right now!"

Nemo was shaken to the very core of his being - and his pantaloons.

"Mutiny!" he cried. "Infamy! O Infamy! - They've all got it in for me!"

"Not quite all, Cap'n!" said an unexpectedly loyal voice. "Oi fur one won't stand for this huge female thing takin' command!"

Nemo was astounded to find Seaman Staines lining up alongside him with a belaying pin clenched in his gnarled grasp.

He ...

wondered like the rest of us what a belaying pin was.
Do a search said Emiratus Capt Nemo, while contemplating his fate or feat or could it have been feet?
He suddenly realised that with the vicars wife nearby it was a fete, 'Aaaahhh' he growled in a nautical manner, 'I see's me chance to overthrow this evil woman' and with that he charged into the fete and.................

... discovered - not, it must be admitted, to his great surprise bearing in mind the strange directions this tale frequently follows (but I digress :rolleyes: ) - that it was, in fact, a Fete Worse Than Death.

A fete run by a group of clog dancers wearing knickers on their collective heads (remember the Hole In The Drawers Gang from that other legendary tale?) is never going to be a great success, of course ...

... , but on this particular day, the clog dancers were wearing a single pair of Mother F's knickers on their collective heads - collectively. This made for some interesting attempts at their stock rendition of 'Tulips From Amsterdam' scored for the clog, as the leader attempted a whirling dervish topped with a half pike as the rest of the dancers attempted to keep time whilst being whirled about, their ears gripped by the ever expanding elastic of the knickers. Not to mention the gussets. Yes, let's not mention the gussets. So ...

What is the collective noun for a group of clog dancers wearing a pair of knickers on their collective heads, collectively, whilst trying not to notice or mention the headaches caused by the gussets of the aforementioned gussets whilst trying to stop a mutiny?

That's easy ~~ its a COMMITTEE !!!!!

"A committee?!?" cried Nemo. "A bloody committee!?! SOD THIS!"

He left the fete, failing to pay for his sandwich and teacake and omitting to have his hand stamped by the Girl Guide on the door (meaning he would be unable to return later :eek: ).

Reaching the ship's bridge, he found Seaman Staines and Leading Artificer Groans engaged in a dire struggle with the Mother Farcquar. Groans had obviously been paying attention during the earlier conflict when the sharpening guides and honing jigs invaded the ship because he was using his artificing skills to good effect by applying a back-bevel to the Mother Farcquar's knees. Staines was merely clubbing her about the head with his belaying pin (Belaying pin: a large wooden device with a tapered cylindrical body and a knobby end; used by sailors for jamming ropes into cleats, thus effecting a belay).

Nemo rushed in and smote The Mother Farcquar a mighty blow. Unfortunately the blow was administered with the teacake from the Fete Worse Than Death - not the cutlass he thought he had in his hand. Nemo looked askance at the teacake.

"How the hell did that get there?" he said, "And where's me bloody cutlass?"

The Mother Farcquar wiped crumbs and currants from her foul visage and reached out a threatening hand towards Nemo's defenceless throat. Just as she was about to strangle the unfortunate mariner, her dog catcher lover Clarence called out:

"Now, now, Hortense. You can't ......"

belay dance in front of the crew because we can't find a gemstone big enough to fit in your navel.
However, Roger the cabin boy was suffering from a social disease and was quite flushed and it was decided that he would fit.
Despite his protestations he was plugged into Mother F's cavernous navel and she proceeded to wobble around the deck in what she thought was a seductive manner.
The crew watching were..................................

reruns of "the Young Ones" on tv and didn't notice that Clarence was going green with envy as he watched roger the ruby gyrating in Hortense's navel. Whilst this was going on the "committee" of clog dancers discovered that they collectively fancied the now green Clarence, and the sight of them besetting the hapless Clarence was enough to make you cry, but not as loudly as Clarence did. Whereupon...

... the bridge was suddenly stormed by a crowd of Girl Guides. They rushed upon Captain Nemo, demanding payment for a sandwich and a teacake.

"Talk to the purser," said Nemo. "He handles all my financial affairs!"

"Which one's the purser? Which one's the purser?" Cried the Girl Gudies in unison as they rushed around the upper deck, grabbing sailors, who ...

in an attempt to imitate their red headed screen hero Vyvyen, were trying to cook toast in the video player. The girl guides being the helpful souls they were, said...

"STOP SODDIN' AROUND WITH THE VIDEO PLAYER, YOU HALF-WITS AND TELL US WHICH ONE'S THE BLOODY PURSER!"

They brandished their hockey sticks in a threatening manner and succeeded in cowing the sailors into submission. One of the sailors had an inspirational thought. He stepped forward.

"Excuse me, girls," he said. "The big lady with the apron is the purser."

The Girl Guides wheeled as one and accosted the Mother Farcquar (who was still being attacked by Staines and Groans).

"Pay up!' they demanded. "One sandwich and one teacake - that's three dollars, please."

The Mother Farcquar scowled at them and ...

said "Someone's been telling porkies. I'm not the Purser, Portnoy's the Purser."

"That's him over there by the Binacle. I warn you though, he's a rum cove."

With that, the guides left the Mother F to her dancing and approached the Binacle.

The chief guide was just about to ask for her $3.00 when suddenly she realised what Portnoy was doing.

You see Portnoy had...

been directed to clean the toilet on the poop deck, or was that the poop off the toilet deck, anyway he saw a chance to duckshove this dirty deed upon the ever willing to assist Girl Guides.
'Over ere, me little lovelies' he crooned, and the Guides, lulled into a sense of false security approached the lecherous Portnoys.
He immediately.................

... delved into the dubious depths of his capacious pantaloons and whipped out ....





.... a bag of lollies - which he offered to the guides with a particularly sleazy smile. They rejected the smile, accepted the lollies, extracted $3.00 from him and left Portnoy with a complaint.

He took the complaint to the captain, who ...

said you'd better go see the doctor straight away...

for the bag of lollies he extracted hurriedly from his pantaloons was in fact his...................

gambling winnings ;)

Meanwhile, back at the Fete Worse Than Death, the Girl Guides were gambolling about, celebrating their discovery of several thousand dollars in a rumpled paper bag.

The Hole In The Drawers Gang had collapsed in an untidy heap, having exhausted themselves with their efforts in tackling a difficult arrangement of "Tulips From Amsterdam" and a pair of the Mother Farcquar's knackered knickers simultaneously.

A small group of Francophone characters was lurking near the canvas sides of one of the fete's tents. The group comprised Clouseau, Poirot and Flash Dordogne (it didn't include Crabtree because he can't actually speak French, of course). As usual with any gathering of more than one French speaker, they were complaining about the fact that English, not French, is the language of international trade.

Clouseau was about to make a point - or, in his case - he was abert to mek a pwant when, from nowhere, Kato hurtled at him, samurai sword held high! Clouseau ducked, Kato went flying into - and through- the tent's canvas side. This was instantly revealed as The Rip In The Fabric etc etc as a horde of ...

of Aliens from the planet Melmac. (anyone remember the name of the Alien from Melmac? hint he liked to eat cats)free greenie to the first correct answer. :D
These Aliens immediately saw the ship's cat and set off chasing it, straight into the Mother Farquar's...

Alluring
Large
Frock
Which was the best I could think of to get a greenie, meanwhile, Mother Farquar had been offered a post by the Vatican as MOther Superior Farquar, she contemplated this move and considered her position on board as the ships..............

cat protector. Whereupon she grabbed all the alf type aliens by the scruffs of their collected necks, stuffed them into an old pair of her knickers and threw them overboard. But as all who follow this thread know, that didn't mean they actually landed in the water. Instead they flew through TRITFOTU and scared the living daylights out of...

cat protector. Whereupon she grabbed all the alf type aliens by the scruffs of their collected necks, stuffed them into an old pair of her knickers and threw them overboard. But as all who follow this thread know, that didn't mean they actually landed in the water. Instead they flew through TRITFOTU and scared the living daylights out of...

... a group of utterly normal people who were innocently enjoying a barbecue in a suburban backyard.

At the sight of a group of aliens struggling to free themselves from a monstrous pair of old knickers that had materialised out of nowhere onto the neatly trimmed lawn adjoining the newly renovated patio, one of the blokes standing by the barbie said:

"Strewth, Wayne! Where the hell did you get that cleanskin red!"

Wayne, momentarily distracted from the snaggers and sirloin, was a bit nonplussed.

"I'm a bit nonplussed, Santo," he said. "The bloke at the grog shop said it was a good drop but he didn't say anything about hallucinations involving old knickers and alien life forms that look strangely familiar! Come and have a look at this Narelle!"

His wife looked across at the blokes around the barbie, glanced towards the voluminous knickers and said:

"How many times, Wayne? How many times have I got to tell you to throw out those old rags you use for Gawd knows what purpose in that shed? Look at the mess you've made! And in front of Sophia and Santo, too! How could you? Get rid of it!"

Wayne, nonplussed though he undoubtedly was, reacted swiftly to the edge of genuine annoyance in the voice of his life's partner. He swung a well-aimed and accurate foot. The alien-life-form bearing knickers disappeared over his backyard fence and, with amazing unpredictability, described a trajectory that took them straight through the Rip In The Fabric Of The Universe, whereupon they ...

landed right smack bang in the loungeroom of a rather unlikely group of British flatmates. Namely,
Rick (with a silent "P") (no relation to Darren)
Neil (a long haired whingeing hippy type)
Vyvyen (a red haired, body pierced, punk)
and
...bollocks, I've forgotten his name. Anyone remember the young ones?
who were at that moment trying to bludge some sugar from the nice respectable people next door so they could throw the cup into the fire in a last ditch effort to keep warm.
However when the knickers full of furry alf like aliens landed our British friends were overjoyed with the prospects of several living, non human sources of warmth and proceeded to...