lap of Mother Farcquar.....
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lap of Mother Farcquar.....
... and his sword went flying into ....
the very fabric of the universe. Which always seems to have catastrophic consequences in this story. (Almost as bad as being a doofus or being precious about searching for things, but not as bad as criticising someone's spelling.But, I digress)
The consequence this time was that...
... a wormhole was opened into another dimension, where the dominant life-forms were various manifestations of chisel and plane blade sharpening jigs and guides.
An entire regiment of these esoteric objects, led by a particularly imposing Field Marshal Veritas Honing Guide Mk II, instantly invaded the ship. With many a threatening swoosh, they rounded up the human crew and herded them into the bowels of the ship. They even managed to quell the Mother Farcquar by applying a particularly nasty back-bevel to her enormous and threatening hindquarters. Down into the bowels she descended.
However, all was not entirely lost for, just as the sharpening jigs and guides were beginning to celebrate their success, Clouseau emerged from his reum, clutching his bermb. Thoughtlessly, he clicked his cigarette lighter near the fuse. The resultant shower of sparks was enough to make him hurl the bermb away from him:
"Fire!" he yelled, a trifle inappropriately (but then, when was Clouseau ever appropriate?).
On command, the jigs and guides loosed off their weapons and wiped each other out.
Clouseau ...
without realising how bad a pun he was about to make said
"that was a close shave."
When the rest of the crew heard this utterance they...
... flooded the companionways in their enthusiasm to get back on deck.
Not a wise move.
Clouseau's bermb finished sparking and sputtering.
There was a pause.
The pause continued slightly longer than best practice would normally recommend.
BOOM - bloody CRACKA-BOOOOOOM!!
There was another pause, filled with tinkling sounds as bits of the ship's control bridge fell back to the deck.
"DOH!" said Clouseau and he ...
realised it was not a french bomb, for if it was it would have gone.......
I wel noot tik the puss out of Monsiuer Driver ever again
... ZUT ALORS! AND CAMEMBERT!
Or other French words to that effect.
and speaking of bombs, just then a little cream citroen came driving across the ocean, totally oblivious to the absurdity of the notion until...
Mother Farquar attempted to get into the drivers seat, but alas, those funny little gear levers which protrude from the dashboard managed to become entangled in her nether regions.
Oooooooohh cried Mother Farquar, more in pleasure than in pain, for although she had read of such pleasures had never experienced them, this is truly..............
..a first. And she elaborated, I'm wasn't referring to the gear selection. As she thrashed around in her newfound ecstacy, she was doing irreparable damage to the unfortunate driver of the little car, who cried...
... quite appropriately in the circumstances:
"Zut Alors! and Camembert!"
For he was none other than .....
Inspector Rex who had inadvertently wandered onto the wrong set, for this was clearly for French and Belgian Inspectors, not German canines.
Woof, he cried, which as any dog fancier knows means..........................
..."I've had about enough of watching reruns of Skippy on tele especially the stupid ones where tch tch means several very longparagraphs of warnings about the whereabouts of the bad guys and where they've hidden Sonny. It really is enough to drive a dog to drink."Quote:
Originally Posted by Iain
And with that he lifted his leg and peed on the wheel of the little citroen and then disappeared through the rip in the fabric of the universe to watch reruns of star trek on pay tv because he thought it had much move credible plot lines and characterisation than skippy.
As Inspector rex departed, who should reappear through that famous rift but...
The dog catcher from the good ship venus, but alas he was too late, as he stuck his foot in a pile of rancid german shepherd poo left by the last unwitting canine, bollocks, he exclaimed as he wiped his soiled shoe on Mother Farquars.......................
... clean apron, having mistaken it for a spare mainsail.
An appalled, indeed horror-stricken, silence fell over the entire crew as they anticipated the terrible consequences that were about to befall the unfortunate dog catcher.
The Mother Farcquar turned towards him, her upper lip curling back in a snarl as she reached her enormous hands towards the dog catcher's throat.
She stopped and did a double-take (which, with features like hers, was an awful thing to see. Once is more than enough but twice!!!). Her fingers had been curled to inflict damage upon the dog catcher. She straightened them. She flung her arms wide. A strange expression crossed her visage. On anyone else, it would have been a simpering smile.
"Clarence!" she cried. "My long-lost lover-boy!"
The dog catcher gazed at the Mother Farcquar. A smile of recognition appeared on his simple dog-catcher's face.
"Hortense!" quoth he. "My ....
...my god but you've gotten ugly. I told you no good would come of hanging around all those harbourside bars.
From anyone else these words would have been fatal, but the mother farquer was so enraptured with Clarence that she...
... enfolded him in what she imagined to be a fond embrace.
To Clarence the dog catcher this experience was more like being murdered than good taste would normally permit. With what felt to him like his last dying breath, he gasped, feebly:-
'Help! .... I can't breathe! ...'
The Mother Farcquar reached into her cleavage with a hand like a drag-line bucket and pulled Clarence's head clear. His purple features regained a more normal hue as he sucked in great lungfuls of life-restoring oxygen.
'Gawd!" he said. "I'd forgotten, Hortense, how enthusiastically you tend to become when a passion is upon you!'
The Mother Farcquar ....
said that's because I'm really looking for Amanda.
"Amanda?" queried Clarence with a quaver.
"Yes Amanda" exclaimed the Mother.
"I'm Looking for Amanda Huggenkiss" .
Suddenly the sound of a Staines like groan issued from the orlop deck...
battered her ample eyelids at him in a scene reminiscent of Shrek's Donkey's girlfriend (the dragon).When Clarence woke up and smelled the pheremones he thrust his head back into her cleavage singing "You'll never catch me alive"
But as this was muffled the mother Farquar thought he had said...
... "Why don't we go for a drive?"
She tucked Clarence under her arm, opened the driver's door of the Citroen and clambered aboard, eyeing the gear lever fondly.
"Now, you naughty dog-catcher ..." she was heard to say as she drove the Citroen clear off the maindeck.
Meanwhile, as you will recall, dear reader - back on the orlop deck, Staines was groaning. Or was it that Groans was staining? A quick glimpse down the companionway was enough to reveal Leading Artificer Groans wielding a brush and liberally besmirching the hull of the ship's captain's barge with a mixture of:
(Stand by for ancient naval staining recipe):-
2 parts mineral turpentine
2 parts dubious home-made red wine
1 part Fuller's earth
1 part Millers Falls
3 parts MFKL (for lustre, of course)
and a sausage for the camel
(The last bit isn't absolutely necessary - I just threw that one in there for the hell of it).
Sean O'Bolloxs shook his head.
"Surely" he thought "after all they've been through, you'd reckon they'dknow how to careen a vessel "
However his reverie was rudely interupted by Amanda.
(Yes that's right, Amanda Huggenkiss)
She said ...
"I've had enough of this. Which one of you boys wants to have a bit of slap and tickle?"
The stampede that those words engendered was something to behold. :eek:
From as far down as the orlop deck they swarmed.
Just so they could get that little bit closer to the fragrant Amanda and her implicit promise of discreet rumpy pumpy.
"Avast there " cried Seaman Staines "I've a big issue that needs resolving"
and with that he...
grabbed Roger the Cabinboy* and ...
* I haven't been paying attention. Is he still alive? Oh well he is now.
coiled a rope around him and then proceeded to spin him on the deck like a top, for unfortunately, Staines had a limited education and did not know the difference between resolving and revolving.
'Take that you nasty little socialite' he wailed thinking that he was referring to Roger the cabin boys political affiliations.
The boy spun on the burning deck (due to a build up of friction from the spinning), yes.............
The boy spun on the burning deck....
..a pocket full of MFKL...
A plume of smoke from the spot arose.
Someone said: “What’s that smell?”
“Go tell the cook,” a crewman said.
“His stew is over-cooked”.
“That’s not the smell,” was the the grim reply
“If it is, then I’ll be …
buggered with a pitch fork".
Suddenly ...
.. a bloke appeared. He was carrying 27 gallons of alcohol, 11 gallons of water and 72 ounces of sweet pea oil.
"Has anyone got a bloody big pot?" he said. "I'm trying to make some Sweet Pea Toilet Water from an old recipe I found."
"Think you might have misread the recipe, mate." Said a helpful crew member. "Who the hell would want 38 gallons of Sweet Pea Toilet water?"
"Well ...." said the bloke ....
.. I'm evidently in the wrong universe. Then he uttered what amounted to his own death warrant saying "bugger me"
whereupon...
... there was a loud cry of:
'Welcome aboard!'
from a certain well-dressed and apparently light-hearted section of the crew, led by a particular seaman who will not be unfamiliar to regular readers of this chronicle.
A small gathering of hamsters were disporting themselves, as was their wont, along the taffrail. One of their number: Hieronymous by name, paused and said to the bloke:
'You might want to be a bit careful about using expressions like that, lad. The members of the lower deck on this vessel tend to be a bit literal.'
A lugubrious figure, pacing the weatherside of the quarter-deck and wearing - for some inexplicable reason, a French gendarme's uniform, said:
'Good moaning! Whoah er ye coorying all thit ilcoohal and wooter?'
'What?' said the bloke.
Flash Dordogne appeared. His wrinkled jumpsuit was now hidden beneath a trenchcoat he had borrowed from Clouseau.
'Permeet moi to attempt to trarnslett,' he said. 'Ah am zer famoos Franch spessman, Flash Dordogne!'
He handed the bloke a business card, bearing the legend:
Sous-Colonel Hippolyte Jean-Marie (Flash) Dordogne
Famoos Franch Spessman
"Ah, so are you the urbane Spaceman then?" enquired the bloke withe the Toilet water (whose name incidentely was I.P Daly).
"Mon Dieu" cried Flash .....
observing the 'Crerk of shot' under his arm, for Mr I P Daly had brought along the wrong bowl, 'bugger me' he shouted again, obviously forgetting the prior warning about making such rash statements.
Upon hearing this............................
... the Mother Farcquar re-appeared. She had a happy smile on her face and a very weary-looking dog-catcher stuffed down her ample cleavage with only his - admittedly knackered - head visible.
This left both the Mother Farcquar's hands free. She used one of them to grasp Seaman Staines by the scruff of the neck and the other to bring a halt to Roger's revolutions (he was still spinning).
She shook Staines vigorously and said:-
"Don't respond to the very rude request that's just been made by this bloke with the excessive quantities of alcohol, water and sweet pea oil! If you do, I'll be compelled to insist that the captain has you keel-hauled! Is that clear?"
Staines nodded in a meek and compliant manner.
The Mother Farcquar picked Roger up by the seat of his pants and gave him a shake too.
"Are you feeling all right, boy?" she asked.
Roger also ...
thought about saying "bugger me."
But, through bitter experience, he knew better. Instead he...
decided that all contributors to this thread were indeed very sick puppies...........
.... and needed worming.
"Well children" sighed Sally, as she closed the book. "wasn't that a long and very silly chapter?"
"It sure was miss" piped up little Johnny "they never seem to get of that f*****g boat!"
"Johnny!" exclaimed Sally, "how many times have I told you to ....
it's not a f*****g boat, it's a f*****g ship.
With that she re opened the book and told them to move onto the next chapter.
Seaman Staines was standing in the crows nest looking toward the deck when he spotted something strange, which was not unusual for this tale, this however was....................