The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

your bruddy ol china, your fox hat!" He said rather exaperated. " I want it to......."

...wear when I cheer our team to glory at worrd cup. They praying nasty aggressive team of sushi watcher."

"I hate to tell you this, old chap", interrupted Hornblower, "but due to the time lapse as you slipped through the rip, that match has already been played, and the official result of the match Scientific Researchers v Sushi Watchers is 3-1 in favour of the Sushi Watchers."

In a state of shock, the ancient oriental...

... committed ritual origami with a paper boulder.

There was a concerted rush to rescue him by his crew, waving their catching thing instruments of the Edo era in desperation. But it was to no avail. Nakalaka-san's face betrayed no emotion as he succumbed.

"Cahill, Cahill, Aloisi," he intoned. "Three - One. Sayonara."

The whaler's crew bowed their heads.

Dogsbreath said: "Whale Oil Be ..."

...orright for furniture, but you can't beat Nakalaka for a great finish."

As the enormity of this audacious pun dawned upon the assembled throng, the crew of the research vessel, astonished and offended by this insult to their erstwhile leader, made menacing gestures at Dogsbreath with their catching thing instruments of the Edo era. Dogsbreath immediately struck a defensive pose, behind the voluminous skirts of the Mother Farquahar, who unnoticed by anyone, was sitting on a bollard at the stern (or in technical terms, the blunt end) of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

Drawing herself to her full height and girth, and ignoring the noise that sounded like a tinea-raddled foot being pulled out of a wet wellington boot, the good lady rose from the bollard and , seizing Dogsbreath by the...

... headpiece, grunted: "What the fox hat?"

Or, at least, that's what she seemed to say. However, scarcely had the words fallen from her great pendulous, rubbery lips when there was a loud ripping noise and two figures materialised on the poop.

Like Dogsbreath, they wore kilts. Unlike Dogsbreath, their kilts were quite tidy and accompanied by clothing of a distinctly Scottish Highland character. (Dogsbreath, you will recall, in addition to his renowned fox hat, wore a white PVC lady's handbag in place of a sporran and a reasonably clean tee shirt).

"I say," quoth Frontbottom upon sighting the Highlanders. "Scotch chappies!"

"Scotsmen, laddie," corrected the older of the two kilted personages. "We're Scotsmen. Not Scotch. That adjective is applied mainly to food and drink."

"Yerss," replied Frontbottom. "Knew that. Merely tweaking your tail, old chap. That's all." He bestowed upon them his most supercilious smile, filled his pipe, lit it and gave vent to a cloud of aromatic smoke. "Introduce yourselves," he advised the pair.

""I'm Lester McClustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and this is my factor: Maxwell McNackarlacquar," said the more senior of the two.

There was no more than a second's stunned silence before ....

Dogsbreath said " Then you must know those two chappies from yonder Castle Gai, Ben Doon and Phil McKavitty, the two ...................

.... Dogsbreath brought himself up short. An odd expression suffused his features. In anyone else, it would have looked like a severe case of embarrassment.

"Er ....," he muttered. "Might have been spending too long with this bunch of Poms. First time in me bloody life I've ever used that expression!"

"Did I hear..." said Frontbottom. "Did I hear you call those Scotsmen 'chappies'?"

"Yair, yer might've," Dogsbreath appeared unusually discomfited.

"Well, well," beamed Hornblower, brandishing his pipe with particular swagger. "We'll have you talking properly yet, old chap. Or should I say: 'old chappie!' Hwar, hwar!!" He gazed indulgently at the Rip Lord.

"Bugger that!" said Dogsbreath. "Need to get back to the Cowcockies Arms for a dose of reality!"

He waved his staff and dematerialised.

"Where's Dogsbreath?" said Captain Nemo, emerging onto the poop from up the companionway and ignoring the faint protests of the downtrodden companions scattered in his wake.

"He waved his stick and buggered orf," said Frontbottom. "Said something about the Cockleshell's Armpits or whatever that Orstralian pub of his is called."

"Now that," said Nemo. "Is a damn' nuisance. Just when we need him, he disappears. I've had a message from Sponcracker. He says that when the Mother Farcquar ..... (where is that harridan, incidentally?) Oh there you are ma'am! Fine day, isn't it?"

He grasped Frontbottom by the elbow and pulled him to the weatherside of the poop deck. Lowering his voice, he said:-

"Apparently, when that blasted great female hauled herself away from the bollard just now, she set off another disturbance in the Rip. Sponcracker says to expect a visit from Max Factor. Gawd knows what the hell that means!"

"Yerss, said the Marine. "Well, I think that message might have been a bit garbled, sir. Apparently these two Scotsmen are what we should expect."

He indicated the Highlanders.

"Really?" said the Captain. "What do they have to do with Max Factor?"

"Permit me to introduce myself, sir." The Scotsmen approached, "I am Lester McClustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and this is my factor: Maxwell McNackarlacquar."

Nemo was flabbergasted. He felt he shouldn't keep this to himself.

"I'm flabbergasted!" he said.

"Oh!" said McLustar. "I was given to understand that the captain of this vessel was one Nemo, a former penguin."

"What!" said Nemo. "Are you attempting to make fun of me in front of my crew? Frontbottom! Have your Marines throw this kilted buffoon into the brig!"

Meanwhile, at the Cowcockies Arms, Dogsbreath was being welcomed back by his mates - with a traditional Australian welcome .....

..."Would you be so kind as to pass me the teapot dear?"

Upon which one of Dogsbreath's mates retorted " Bl##dy tea pot! I can't cant even pass tomato seeds" Lots of hooting and hollering ensued. it was then that the boys at the bar noticed two oriental figures emerging through the smoke of the BBQ " We are rooking for honable Nakalakar-san" "Yer, he's around here somewhere, who wants to know?" "Ah so" said one of them " We clum flom China, Nakalaka -san is ristent rerative, rong rost cousin" The bar patrons looked on in amusement when Chukka the Trukka approached them and asked "Who are you?" The elder one of the two said " Name of Masta" pointing to the other oriental " is Wan Hung Lo, and my name is " Whu Flung Dung , poritical spokesman" The whole bar was stunned into silence all you could hear is..........................

the sound of the ripping of the fabric of time through which popped the head of pretty Miss Sally who asked....................

"does anybody happen to know where I can find an R&B combo?"

Well, you could have knocked Dogsbreath down with a feather. Because, it just so happened that.....

"Where's Roger? Has anyone seen Roger? He left me in the.... Wait a minute! This doesn't look like the poop deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed! It looks like a public house! And it's terribly hot!"

"G'day love," said Dogsbreath's mate Wokka. "Would ya like a nice cold beer?"

"Oh!" said Sally. "Thank you. I'd love a nice cold beer. I say, are you Australian? I met an Australian recently. He wore a kilt and a fur hat. Oh, there he is!"

"G'day Sally," said Dogsbreath. "And how is it that you've managed to project yourself through the Rip without permission?"

"Well, I'm not sure what you mean about permission but just after Roger left....have you seen him, incidentally?"

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "He's OK. He's aboard the VLGI. As long as Staines stays stuck to that doorknob, he's safe enough. You were saying - just after Roger left...?"

"Yes. Just after Roger left a rather over-confident Irish person arrived. He was dripping wet and he insisted on dancing a very irritating dance. The girls' hockey team had to be restrained from hitting him, actually. Anyway, he said he could re-unite me with Roger aboard that odd ship. He took a very peculiar egg from his pocket and waved it and ... well ... here I am. But where's the ship? This isn't it."

"Nah, it's the Cowcockies Arms." Dogsbreath was distracted. "Listen. This egg that Moichael was waving. How did it seem?"

"Well, it was very odd. Rather frightening, to be honest. I don't know why an egg should be frightening but it had a most peculiar sort of aura about it. Quite nasty. Sort of malevolent."

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "That's what I was afraid of." Dogsbreath looked around the bar. "Eh Wokka!" he said. "Have ya seen Shorty?"

"Ere I am Dogs!"

Through the door of the main bar stepped an enormous man. He was as tall as the average internal door (2100 mm) and at least two axehandles across the shoulders. He had a black eye and a large sticking plaster across his nose.

"Gawd!" said Dogsbreath. "What the hell happened to you Shorty?"

"Got in a fight with Tooky Williams."

"Tooky Williams! He's only half your size, mate! What did he hit ya with?"

"He was holding a bloody fence picket," muttered Shorty.

"And what about you? Weren't you holding anything?"

"Well yeah, I was. Tooky's missus' left breast. Lovely thing in itself, of course, but no bloody use in a fight."

"Yair well," said Dogsbreath. "I'm gonna need ya, mate. You up to a little journey through time and space?"

With that, he put an arm around Sally, grasping Shorty's belt, and waved his staff. All three of them de-materialised.

With a ripping sound, they appeared on the poop deck ....

...to the surprise of Staines, who had had no success in unsticking the knob from his hand. The CA glue was living up to its reputation.

"Don't worry, me old mate,", said Dogsbreath, "I've brought a rescue party. We'll have you unstuck in two shakes of a lambs tail. Now, Sally, I want you to whisper some of some sweet nothings in Staines' ear. You might also like to do the fingernail manouevre up his spine."

Sally was shocked at Dogsbreath's suggestion, but after brief consideration, she decided that opportunity knocks but once.

Staines' response was completely involuntary. His knees started knocking, his face went pale and his palms started sweating. Gradually, Dogsbreath's plan became clear. The sweat from Staines' palms started to soften the glue.

Dogsbreath inspected the doorknob. "Now, Shorty, I want you to get hold of Staines and pull him off."

"Turn it up, Dogs!" Shorty was appalled.

'I'm bloody appalled!" he said.

"Nah, ya bloody nong! I meant pull him off the doorknob! Jeez!" Dogsbreath was exasperated but he elected to keep this to himself.

Shorty, recovering from his shock at what he thought had been Dogsbreath's request, grasped Staines by the seat of his pantaloons and the scruff of his scruffy old neck.

"Pardon me, love," he said to Sally, who stepped gracefully out of the way.

Shorty gave a mighty heave and Staines came unstuck with a sound not unlike that which had accompanied the Mother Farcquar's de-bollarding, reminiscent as it was of old athletic footwear.

Shorty, however, was unconscious of these subtleties. His immense strength lifted Staines clear of the door, clear of the deck, clear of Sally's presence and clear over the taffrail.

"Olé!!" The hamsters cheered, as was their wont.

No great harm came to Staines, of course, because the VLGI was tied up at the quay adjacent to the hamsters' great statue. Spluttering and grumbling in his customary Stainesian manner, he hauled himself from the drink and stumped up the gangplank, managing, as he did so, to discomfit several gangs clustered thereupon.

The Captain ...

realised he now had a useful person aboard and wandered over to Shorty and asked ...........