-
"Yair," said Dogsbreath. " He's an Aussie, y'know. Comes from Perth. I remember ...."
But, just as Frontbottom took a long pull at his pipe and the throng in the dispensary resigned themselves to another of Dogsbreath's reminiscenses (this one featuring none other than Rolf! :eek: ), through the Rip stepped Staines, fingering a 12-string guitar and singing:-
"Well I….
Said I …
Well I …
Went up the companionway this mornin’
Well I …
Went up the companionway this mornin’
Trod on some of them companions there ….
Went up the companionway this mornin’
Trod on some of them ol’ companions there ….
Saw that Mother Farcquar on the poop deck!
Man! Too much for this poor boy to bear ….
"Well I …
Said I …
Well I …
Swabbed down the maindeck this mornin’
Well I …
Swabbed down the maindeck this mornin’
Shiploads of Groans’ muesli everywhere
Swabbed down the maindeck this mornin’
Shiploads of Ol’ Groans' muesli everywhere
He’s been firin’ that arquebus this mornin’
That Ol’ Groans, he don’t even try to care!
"I got me the Rip in the Fabric of the Universe Blues
My baby don’t love me and I’m payin’ my dues;
But that Rip in the Fabric of the Universe
Makes my life just so much worse!....."
Everyone was gob-smacked. However, instead of confirming their gobsmackedness, as characters in these chronicles are wont to do, they burst into spontaneous applause.
Staines was ....
-
overcome. "I'm overcome" he said. (sorry Col;) )
"I didn't know if I could play that piece without Rolf to accompany me on the wobble board."
And as if on cue...
-
The cook, Captain Cook-Bastard appeared through the rip, doing his best to sing, in what he mistakenly imagined was a Mississippi blues fashion the following:
You betta come on, in my kitchen,
'cause it's goin' to be rainin' outdoors
Staines couldn't believe it.
"Cook-Bastard" he exclaimed "I didn't know you .....
-
could sing while pogoing along the deck with...................
-
all those hamsters staring pop eyed at the rip...
-
the hamsters made a hurried exit when they spied "el Muncho" the famed hamster eater record holder stepping onto the deck.
Every hamster worth its weight in salt reconized him, there was no hamster safe in the universe from "el Muncho"......................
-
for he was, in fact the muffin stealing mongrel who lives by the silent sea. He said as ha arrived
"I hear you are looking for a really tall good looking drummer...
-
"Correct," said Hieronymus Hamster, "- and far be it from me to make any disparaging comments about the possibility of your failing to meet any or all of the selection criteria. You need to see the crusty old sea-faring gentleman on the maindeck. The one who is, even as we speak, unbuckling his capacious pantaloons in anticipation of your imminent arrival. He goes by the name of (forgive me, ahem!): Seaman Staines."
Staines gazed astern where the newcomer was engaged in conversation at the taffrail. Picking up his twelve-string, he strummed an anticipatory chord and kicked his pantaloons free of his feet, where they had unceremoniously gathered in untidy folds. He sang:-
"Well I ....
Said I ...."
-
"Said I........ shiver me timbers, I forgot the words!"
-
Meanwhile, back in the school's dispensary, the assembled throng were wondering what had happened to Staines.
"What's happened to Staines?" Some of them chorused.
Roger rolled his eyes heavenwards. "He's gone back through the Rip!" he said. "That's the obvious explanation. And anyway, we have more important business to concern us than worrying about Staines - even if he has just revealed a hitherto unrecognised ability to sing the Blues! We have to get to the bottom of this business with the Nemo Corporation, Sponcracker's droids and ...."
-
"Not without me you're not!" interrupted Sally.
Which dear reader, meant Roger had to stay in the school. If we allow Sally to enter the antics on board the Very Little Gravitas Indeed then who knows where it would end. Talk about a precedent. Wher would it end? Driver on the ship?:eek: SilentC? Me????
Alice could enter wonderland.
Michael can enter Neverland.
But we, the writers must never enter this story, or could we...
-
"no we couldn't Jim" commented Driver "or the next thing to happen is Al would become involved with hampsters as up until now we have no goats in this fable .....or trolls for that matter"
to resolve the problem Roger (minus VC & Bar) fell to his knee (german for nee) and proposed to Miss Sally and on her saying yes he popped back through the rip with a cheery "I will return" and Miss Sally with a tear in her eye said.........................
-
...while he's away at sea, I can probably resume where I left off with Sebastian ...."
Meanwhile, all unknowing of his putative fiancee's plot, Roger materialised on the poop deck of the the good ship VLGI.
"Cabin boy! Cabin boy there!" The captain was striding up and down the weather side of the poop. "Lay aft to the galley and bring me a cup of cocoa!"
"Aye aye, sir!" Roger sped galley-wards.
"Y'know," said Dogsbreath to Frontbottom. "This reminds me ..."
"I'm going to find it hard to believe that you drank a lot of cocoa in the Cowsucker's Udder or whatever that Orstraylian hostelry was called," said Frontbottom, blowing into his pipe to produce a cheerful tooting sound.
"Nah," said Dogsbreath. "Bugger cocoa, mate. I was reminded more of ..."
-
...the Guiness(spelling?) Factory in Dublin where...
-
...I first met a girl called sweet Mollie Malone - as she wheeled her wheelbarrow through the streets broad and narrow, crying: "Cockles and mussels! Alive! Alive-Oh!"
"You seem, old chap," said Frontbottom, giving vent to another toot. "To be extracting the antipodean urine."
"We-e-ell," said Dogsbreath. "Yer've gotta admit, the bloody plot's gorn a bit stale, mate. I mean - nothing much happening, is there?"
"True," said Frontbottom, between toots. "Very, very true."
There was a pause on the poop deck. Frontbottom and Dogsbreath observed the crew on the maindeck. Groans was occupied in re-loading his arquebus. Staines, with a typically gormless Stainesian expression, was occupied in scratching portions of his anatomy that need not concern the discerning reader. Roger passed swiftly by, bearing a steaming mug of cocoa for the captain.
Frontbottom drew a breath, expelled it through his pipe with a merry toot, filled said pipe with a heady mixture of Royal Marines' Best Shag, lit same and drew a calming lungful. Turning to Dogsbreath, he said:
"By the bye - been meaning to ask you this for a while. Seems like an opportune moment. When we were heading for a potentially sticky collision on the rocks recently, you did something with that pole of yours that seemed to avert the disaster. What was all that about? Hmm?"
"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "Wondered when you'd get round to asking about that. Well, it's because of the thing with Nemo Corporation, Sponcracker and his droids and that weird Tam O'Shanter and his brother Tim. Might help if I explain that my name's not really Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer. It's Doctor Respiration du Chien."
"Doctor Who?" said Frontbottom.
"No mate, he's a bloody Time Lord. I'm a Rip Lord. Not the same thing at all."
"You've lost me completely." Frontbottom's pipe had gone out and nary a toot was to be heard in its near vicinity, such was the concentration he was focussing (not without good reason, as we shall see) on Dogsbreath.
"Rip Lord. I have powers in connection with the good old RITFOTU. I can ...."
