most people use their wife's name or their kid's name or birthdates, so you could try those...
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most people use their wife's name or their kid's name or birthdates, so you could try those...
... But of course since I am single, lonely and I have never had a birthday since I was abandoned as a child I will need to try more drastic measures. I will try ...
... asking the school nerd .... I mean. the school's best IT student: Farcquar."
"Did you say his name is Farcquar?" said Roger, with a slight quaver in his voice.
"Yes, that's right," said Sally.
"Er .... do you know his mother?" said Roger, with a bit more of a quaver.
"Oh....." said Sally. "You mean that very large lady....."
"That's one way to describe her!" said Roger. This time his voice contained something far more like a semi-breve.
No sooner had the words left his lips when there was a ripping sound and a wooden leg crashed through the wall, followed immediately by the rest of....
a very large wooden greek attempt at Mother Farcquar so as to belie the fact that roger had been sucking down the turps once too often and as Sally noticed...............
Sebastian's boyish grin and floopy hair it had the effect of making her go rather weak at the knees.
However, Sally's feeelings don't concern us here because at that very moment, the large and, it must be said, terrifying bulk of the Mother Farcquar at last succeded in forcing its way through The Rip.
"Where is he?" she bellowed "Oh, where is my darling boy?"
Sally, her thoughts of Sebastian banished, turned to this rather large and frightening apparition and said ....
"Madam ......
...I've been meaning to ask you why Farcquar's school fees haven't been paid ..."
"Out of my way, girlie!" quoth the behemoth as she brushed Sally to one side. "Where's my baby? Where is the little Farcquar?"
"I'll get him for you!" said Daphne. She rushed into the corridor, clutching the two halves of her hockey stick and shouting:
"Has anyone seen that little Farcquar? His mother's here!"
A nerdy head peeped tentatively round the edge of a door halfway along the corridor. With manifest trepidation (and a quaver, two minims and a semi-breve in his voice), Farcquar - for it was he - said:-
"She's not really here, is she? The Mother Monster, I mean? She hasn't really come to the school .... surely?"
Daphne rushed up to Farcquar, hooked the end of her hockey stick around his neck and, dragging him back towards the dispensary and his fearsome parent, said:
"Now, now, Farcquie! That's no way to talk about your Mumsy! Come along!"
She opened the door to the dispensary and pushed Farcquar forward into the gaping maw of his mothers's enormous cleavage.
"Errk!" was all he managed to gasp before he was engulfed.
"My baby!" trilled Herself in a sickening rendition of a mother's plaintive cry.
"you look exactly like I remember your father looking the first time I ever made (monstrous) love to him, terrified...
So, while the Mother Farcquar was totally absorbed in satisfying her maternal instincts and Farcquar the nerd was, as a consequence, struggling for air, Roger grasped the opportunity to brief Sally on the perilous situation besetting the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
Actually, he grasped more than the opportunity. The Mother Farcquar's maternal activities had pushed Roger and Sally into a corner of the dispensary. This enabled Roger to grasp Sally. She didn't seem to mind.
"As I was saying," said Roger, indulging himself with a surreptitious grope. "It's all to do with Sponcracker's droids, the Nemo Corporation and Dogsbreath and his fox hat...."
"I see," said Sally, a bit breathlessly. "Well, I don't see really, perhaps you should explain..." She wriggled against Roger pushing him further towards the corner of the dispensary.
"I will ... explain, that is ...." said Roger, even more breathlessly. He had spotted a conveniently positioned bed in the corner of the dispensary.
Roger and Sally were just about to become very well-acquainted when, from the general direction of the Mother Farcquar there came a faint but familiar cry:
"ERRK!"
Farcquar had succeeded in getting his head far enough out of his mother's enormous cleavage to draw breath. He managed to suck down a great lungful just as the Rip parted and Sponcracker and his droids filled the remaining floor space in the dispensary. In the resultant confusion, Farcquar was thrust back down the front of his mother's frock.
"Bloody Hell! ERRK!" he said.
Daphne pushed the door open with her broken hockey stick and joined the crowd. So did Sebastian.
Peering over the heads of the crowd, he spotted Sally in Roger's grasp. Taking a leaf out of Farcquar's book, he too said:
"Bloody Hell! ERRK!"
He hadn't meant to say 'ERRK!' but was compelled to do so when Dogsbreath came through the Rip and tried to occupy the same bit of floor space. Sebastian found his view of Sally and Roger was suddenly obscured by a furry headpiece.
"What the fox hat?" he seemed to say.
"That's right, mate!" said Dogsbreath. "How d'ya ....
put up with that bloody Frontbottom? Fair dinkum, the man's a cu...
..p short of a tea-set!"
The dispensary was beginning to get more than reasonably crowded. In the corner, Sally and Rroger were struggling for air. That is, they seemed both to be gasping a great deal. Sebastian was doing all he could to get closer but there were too many droids in his way.
Sponcracker was anxious to talk to Roger, too.
He programmed a couple of droids to force a path through to the dispensary corner where Sally and Roger had been forced onto the bed.
They appeared to be adjusting their clothing as Sponcracker arrived (followed very closely by Sebastian).
"Roger," said Sponcracker. "I need ...."
"Excuse me, Miss!" said Sebastian. "Who is this sailor?" He pointed at Roger.
Sponcracker pointed a remote control device at a nearby droid and pushed a button. The droid grabbed Sebastian by the seat of the pants and the scruff of the neck and plodded off towards the dispensary door with Sebastian struggling in the droid's metallic grasp.
"Roger," said Sponcracker. "I need to get you back aboard ..."
or at least back a space of two.
"Not bloody likely, sport " said Roger, who had finally managed to be involved in a consensual experience with a member of the opposite sex. "You're not taking that away from me, I coped OK when you stripped me of my Vc and bar, but you are not depriving me of my future wife!"
"Damn strait (straight?) !" added Sally, showing her intentions.
"I intend," she added...
".... and I shall say this only once ..."
The was a loud ripping sound and the dispensary became even more crowded as Michelle and the (very attractive) girls of the Resistance materialised through the Rip.
" 'Oo colled us?" asked Michelle. " 'Allo, 'Allo Roger!" she added with a sexy smile.
"Who is this person in the trenchcoat, beret and anle socks, Roger?" said Sally.
"Just a moment!" said Michelle. Addressing Sally, she said: "Did you just say: 'I shall say this only wence?' "
"Er, well ... I may have," said Sally. "But who are you and why are you and your friends dressed in that odd attire?"
"I am Michelle of zer Resistance!" said Michelle. "You have used zer code phrase to summon us through zer Reep. I 'ope for your sake zat zis ees not a false alarm!"
Roger hurriedly intervened. "No, Michelle! It's a real emergency! Sponcracker will explain! Won't you Halfrit?" He nodded encouragingly in the direction of the droid techo.
"Yerss," said Sponcracker.
"Well, zat ees OK zen," said Michelle. "Ah reemember our leetle episode, Roger, on zat peeculiar vessel!" She smiled anozzer (sorry!) another sexy smile at Roger. This had two quite different effects on, reading from left to right, Roger and Sally.
(Readers may wish to refer to Post # 699 for a reminder of the last time Roger encountered Michelle).
Sally was not amused ....
Nor was Queen Lizzy who said 'What is this rot? 987 post and not a mention of Us...and on our 80th Birthday!!! To the tower with the instigator unless We are given an honrable mention or better still I will abdicate and let em have Our next in line to deal with'
with that a hush fell over the dispensary as the full implication became lucid. 'Oh dear' said Sally.......................
this is a right royal stuff up........
"What we need," continued Her Maj "is some assistance from that nice young man who told me lots of anecdotes whilst he did my portrait on the telly the other night, Rolf something or other....