The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

... it's never a good thing to have a boot up your Merkin.

Notwithstanding the above, the entire crew were faced with a very confusing scenario. The captain turned to Frontbottom and Dogsbreath.

"This," he said, thoughtfully, stroking his beard. "Is a very confusing scenario."

"Yer right," said Dogsbreath. "It reminds me of that time when we had a confusing scenario in the front bar of the Cowcockies' Arms. I well remember sayin' to me mate Wokka at the time: 'This,' I said. 'Is a very confusing scenario.' He agreed with me. 'Too bloody right, mate,' he said."

"So what did you do?" enquired Frontbottom, thoughtfully stroking his chin.

"We had a couple more coldies, mate," said Dogsbreath. "A man is not a camel."

"True. Very, very true," said Frontbottom.

Meanwhile, on the maindeck ...

there appeared a hawker of unknown repute and in his wagon there were a supply of coloured merkins which confused the crew even more as they were all colour blind and had enough lice without merkins thank you muchly. Staines stripped to his................

lycra thong, (and yes the waxers had been in days prior.)

yet nothing was as it seemed. Or, rather nothing was as it had seemed.
This was because everything, it seems, was as it seemed because the ships computer had created a reality out of the very fabric of the universe. No one ever realised this before because the ships computer had never felt the need to reboot herself before. (That is to say she made something out of nothing and it seems that everyone on board was happy to believe that reality was, indeed, that way.) Except for those occasional times when strange things seemed to materialise out of nowhere causing people to state the obvious.
But back to the reality that now faced the crew for the first time( it seems).
Without their strange but comfortable illusion, they all began to look on each other very much as Truman did when he realised that his entire life had been a lie.
This was proving to be an uncomfortably long reboot sequence.
Roger the cabin boy thought that he might have been at some stage, the captain.
As this realisation dawned on him he uttered the one thing that guaranteed that he'd never ever regain that rank.
Fatally in a fit of lucidness (lucidity?) he said "Bugger me"
Whereupon...

... Groans - with great alacrity and presence of mind - brought into play a catching thing instrument of the Edo era that he had obtained quite recently. He hooked the business end of the instrument purposefully about Staines' throat.

"Did you get a glimpse, shipmate," he said. "Of what happened to that upimself Irish hoofer when several of these things were attached to his breathing tubes?"

"Erk!" gasped Staines, attempting to nod. "Erk ..... "

Roger ....

surprised everyone by rounding on Groans and exclaiming:

"Let him go you brute!
Yes, it's true. Cyril (for that was Staines forename) is the LOML and all this punning and nodding and winking merely a smokescreen to cover up the fact that we share the love that dare not speak it's name!"

Frontbottom, who was watching theses histrionics with his usual supercilious countenance took a long pull on his pipe and said....

"It wouldn't surprise me, Dogsbreath, to learn that this reminded you of a similar situation back in Orstralia."

"Yair," said the fox-hatted one. "Matter of fact ...."

"I remember this bloke who was the LOML (looter of my lunch) and well of course I up and punched the bugger right on the nose. I said to him, "Look 'ere son, a good bloke just don't go 'round flogging off with other blokes lunches..." Don't what Rodg was going about about love for though. No way I could love someone who took a five finger discount on me lunch...

What did you mean Rodg?"

Sally closed the book, took off her glasses, shook her hair loose and cast what she thought was a surreptitious glance at Sebastian. Daphne's grip on her hockey stick tightened so hard that it made a crunching sound.

Ignoring this, Sally addressed the class:-

"Well," she said. "This is a surprise, children. Despite the rather strange Australian's complete misreading of the situation, it seems, despite all previous evidence to the contrary, that Roger is inclined in the same direction as that awful man Staines! Does anyone have a comment?"

"Yeth mith!" lithped Tarquin. "It'th no thurprithe to me! I have felt for a long time that Roger harboured thecret urgeth!"

"I see," said Sally. "Well, that will be your homework assignment, Tarquin. To write an essay supporting your view that we should not be surprised by Roger's revelation. If you are to convince me, I require you to find plenty of supporting evidence in the text. Those of you who agree with Tarquin can do the same. Those of you who may disagree can write an essay on what you feel may have prompted Roger's outburst. Yes Sebastian?" She blushed as she mentioned his name. Another crunch was heard from a location not far from Daphne and her hockey stick.

"Well. . . . Miss," said Sebastian. "I'll be writing my essay on why Roger is concealing his true feelings because I don't think he's a shirt-lifter. I can understand why certain lisping pipsqueaks might like to think he is a fudge-packer but .... Anyway, I wondered if I might ask you to help me to do some research this evening on the subject of my homework assignment?"

There was a loud crack as Daphne twisted off the top half of her hockey stick and ....

... got some nasty splinters in her hand.

"Miss, could you take me to the infirmary and fix me up good and proper," the not-so-petite little girl suggested.

The much maligned, but surprisingly open teacher, Sally, said that it would be here pleasure.

So without further ado she left with Daphne leacing the class to ponder the fate of the good ship The Very Little Gravitas Indeed and their recent adventures ...

when Sally arrived in the sick bay she discovered a jar of Ubeaut traditional wax with a note attached reading
"dear teacher please find complimentary jar of fully edible wax for application to little fingers troubled by splinters. love Neil"
"well" said Sally...

There was a sudden very loud ripping noise and through the wall of the sick bay stepped Roger.

Raising a finger to his lips, he cautioned Sally and Daphne to be silent. He swiftly stepped across to the sick bay door, glanced up and down the corridor and closed the door.

"Sorry to startle you," he said in a quiet and conspiratorial tone. "I needed to take advantage of the Rip to let you know what's going on. I'm not really nurturing a secret affection for that old reprobate Staines. But I had to stop Groans from throttling him with that Japanese device. You see, it has to do with Sponcracker's droids, the Nemo Corporation and Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer and his fox hat. We need ...."

...is a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down after all that excitement."

"Thee, I told you he jutht wanted to get into bed with everyone." said the sibillantly challenged Tarquin, burthting (now you've got me doing it) into the sick bay through the rip made by Roger.

"Oh be quiet, you lisping little twirp, hissed Roger. "What I'm trying to say is that we are all the victims of a pan-universal swindle that has the potential to be bigger than the Nigerian scams. If we can't stop it now.....

this whole thead will be closed and then we'll be even more lost than we were when the computer rebooted and we were left with no reality except the real one....er that is to say...

I have no idea what I/m on about thats why I came here to see if you can give the computer a password to allow it to reset to its original programming and allow you to get on with the story.
Well said Sally.....................