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at the thought of having to spend the rest of oblivion with the dreaded MF and her fugly pilss the crew as one turned to the helmsperson and shouted starboard person starboard but being extremely deaf he ignored them with the contempt he tought they deserved.
Just as all seemed doomed Miss Sally shut the book and asked Timothy.....
... to collect all the previous night's homework assignments from the class.
Sebastian was the only student who, it seemed, had failed to complete his assignment.
Sally said: "Sebastian, why have you not submitted your homework assignment?"
Sebastian cleared his throat. "Ahem!" (he ahemmed). "I didn't have time, Miss. I was busy last night."
He gave Sally a meaningful look. Sally blushed. "Ahem!" (she ahemmed) and looked confused. Quickly, she opened her book. Finding her place once more, she read on:-
There was a sudden loud ripping noise. On the poop, a strange but oddly familiar figure materialised. Gazing up at the forward vision screens, the strange but familiar figure, in a rich Irish brogue said:-
"Sure and isn't dat a black hole loomin' up ahead of yiz?"
"Never mind the black hole, mate!" said Dogsbreath. "How come you've only got one rich Irish brogue? Couldn't you afford the other shoe?"
Before the strange but familiar figure could reply, Roger the Cabin Boy piped up:- "That's .... that's .... that's that bloody upimself Irish hoofer Moichael O'Flamin' Flatulence! I thought we'd seen the last of ...
rivenpantz ages ago now what have we done to deserve this uppity irish copy. why cant we just give him a berth with a goat and see if..........
"Sixty seconds to entry" interrupted Ophelia.
"Just a thought, but perhaps you'd be better off adressing your predicament than arguing the toss with an upimself Irish hoofer" she continued, somewhat impertinantly (for a computer that is).
Nemo decided that action was called for.
Pulling himself up to his full five feet two inches he .....
farted as he strained too hard .......phewwwwwwwwww said Ophelia you could at least stand upwind ........'upwind thats it' said Cptn Nemo 'Helmsperson turn this ship 180 degrees and Bosun get the crew to set all sails'
As the order was carried out the amazed onlookers in the overtaking vessel saw that they were now doomed to destruction while The Very Little Gravitas Indeed sailed out of harms way and directly into.........
a wall of fog stretching across the horizon like some impenetrable curtain.
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“Where did that come from” said the captain
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“Where’s the captain” said the boson
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It’s awfully dark in here!
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And as the boat sailed into the unknown darkness …. it happened …. THUD …
THUDenly the fog cleared and all was well as well can be. The captain said " I'll go he!" The crew collectively said " Oh not again, he makes a better she"...........
This rattled the captain, who decided someone needed a bloody good flogging and it didn’t really matter who. So trying to look menacing he started to walk the deck.
Now throughout all of this (62 pages and not a mention) Clive and Dud had been sat on the side rails catching the breeze and watching proceedings.
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Clive “F**king ungrateful b**tards couldn’t tie their own bl**ding shoe laces without the help of the olde Captain”
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Dud “F*ing right”
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Clive “”B*m boys and nancies the lot of em”
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Now this was Clive and Dud’s simple way of giving the Captain, their “host” some moral support.
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During this light conversation a dark shadow fell upon them as the man himself walked by. “Hey, Clive that b*stards filthy and corrrr get a whiff of that, he mustn’t have had a wash since we boarded – 62 pages ago” Dud had a very delicate sense of smell along with superb eye sight.
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Clive, never one to miss a good opportunity said “Ya know I bet we could find some warm but slightly damp spots for the night on that fella”
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“Okay” said Dud, and with that the two fleas jumped on to the back of the Captain unnoticed and started looking for somewhere warm and dark to bed down for the night.
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The Captain felt even more irritated as he walked along! … “”hey you, yes you - you lazy scum bag …..
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..stop scratching your bum, anyone would think we had fleas.....
...and I, for one, run a vermin-free ship. Indeed, the last time we had vermin was when, thanks to Dogsbreath, we had crabs on the dunny seat. I personally P'd them off.
Clive & Dud chuckled to themselves and moved netherwards on the captain's back....
"Well Children," said whatsername, "what do you think of the late introduction of this pair? Are they a pastiche of Rosencratz and Guildenstern? Do you think they will play a pivotal role in the proceedings from now on, or are they merely a cul de sac in the plot line?"
As the Captain berated the poor scum bag, Clive and Dud had found a “rip in the fabric” of the captains undergarments and were settling in for the night – they where as happy as pigs in mud.
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Dud “You know this reminds me of Harry”
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Clive “Farking hell .. everything reminds you for that F*ing pig”
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Dud “Well he was a really nice guy, we sent some nice warm nights on him and he was really good company”
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Clive “So your point is?”
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Dud “well I used to love his stories and how he just loved to rolling in the mud. It’s cruel being a pig onto a ship with no mud, and where did he go? I haven’t seen him since page four and no one mentioned that!”
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Clive rolled his big flea eyes “Gawd, your so bl**ding naïve sometimes Dud”
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Dud “Whacha mean”
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“Well I’m sorry to tell you this but the crew ate Harry just after page 4” Clive grinned.
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Dud “Wayyawhoooo – poor little fella”
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Clive “You remember those lovely smells just after the crew got up a while back?”
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Dud “Yep”
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Clive “Bacon sandwiches – the last of Harry”
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Dud “Wayyawhoooo – poor little fella”
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“That reminds me” said Clive “We haven’t had dinner yet and it’s getting late”. Occasionally Clive could string a whole sentence together without a single curse (this was very rare).
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And with that they …..
"Yes, definitely a cul de sac," said whatisface, you know the one that's always getting aggressive, "I doubt their duologue will last too much longer, once the Mother Farquar becomes aware of their presence."
And with that, a shrilling cry came from on high, and without word of a lie, a great steaming pile of bird droppings thudded to the deck, narrowly missing the discoursing fleas.
"Albatros!!" shouted someone. "Albatros!!" they were heard to repeat.
"For God's sake, the captain cried, "don't shoot the bast..."
Ptwang!!
"Too late..."
"We were the first that ever burst into the silent sea..."
And all was still ...
.. as confusing as it had ever been aboard the Good Ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
For the shot that had seemed to fell the albatross had, once more, been fired by leading Artificer Groans with his ancient arquebus, loaded as it was with ...
Albatross droppings!!
(that's why I'm no sailor: can't spell Albatross) :p