...deaths over the side of the ship rather than continue on this journey and Elvis and the Cap'n were left to ponder there next move as the crew disappeared from view beneath the foaming sea...
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...deaths over the side of the ship rather than continue on this journey and Elvis and the Cap'n were left to ponder there next move as the crew disappeared from view beneath the foaming sea...
.... momentarily - only to re-appear immediately, bobbing about on the foaming surface.
How could this be?
Well, Dear Reader, the strange events had caused the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed to be blown by the storm into Dyer Straits where, as you will recall from Episode #655, the current constantly forces the water back to the surface. Hence the crew's attempt at collective drowning was doomed to failure.
The first to realise what had happened was Montmorency the hamster. Mustering his fellow hamsters into a chain of rescuers, he supervised them as, displaying astonishing strength and dexterity for such short-legged, chubby-cheeked organisms, they hauled the crew aboard, heaving them over the taffrail and tossing them one by one into the scuppers.
A brief argument broke out between Marmaduke, who wanted to throw Staines back, and Hieronymus, who was inclined to be more charitable. Staines solved the problem by grasping firmly onto Hornblower's ankle and refusing to move.
"Oh, very well!" said Marmaduke. "Let the horrible old bugger stay aboard. But really, Hieronymus, you're far too soft-hearted. I would have kept throwing him back overboard until we shot the Straits so he could usefully drown in a more normal ocean."
"Well," said Hieronymus. "They're all back aboard. And just in time because we're out of the Straits!"
They glanced back over the taffrail - expecting to see the very peculiar Dyer Straits disappearing astern. But their astonished gaze met an entirely unexpected sight.
It was Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer, his tatty kilt blowing wildly about his knees, his PVC lady's handbag streaming out in his wake as he surfed down the face of a monster wave, one hand clutching his fox hat and the other grasping his pole as he pointed at the VLGI and yelled:-
"Hang one, youse blokes! A man's trying bloody hard to keep up!"
Just then ....
The Very Little Gravitas Indeed's crew got a nasty suprise as they spotted, the Very Little Gravitas Indeed (from this dimension).
This started to play havoc with their minds - which some of the more sensible crew decided to ignore and instead only used their raw animal instinct.
[Editorial Note: Meanwhile Dogsbreath is still surfing along behind the VLGI and wondering why nobody is paying him attention anymore.]
"Well, I'll be buggered with a..." the Captain started to say before Staines interupted because...
he was wont to 'Man wearing pommy football shirt climbing up on the starboard bow ' quick as a flash the Captain said to Elvis the helmsman (no PC in this dimension) 'aim for the other Very Little Gravitas Indeed' 'Aye Aye Jim I'll scrape him off while singing love me tender' and seaman Staines nodded...
...off because the King was so boring.
"Tsunami!!" cried someone with a silly name.
"Bugger love me tender I'm off" said the fat bloke in the strange all in one suit and jumped overboard killing several hamsters on the way and setting the majority of the crew adrift again.
Sally gently closed the book. Reaching up, she took off her glasses and shook loose her long dark hair. There was a perceptible intake of breath from some of the bigger boys - particularly Sebastian. Sally seemed not to notice. The same could not be said of Daphne, who muttered something incoherent and fiddled aggressively with her hockey stick while casting dark glances in Sally's direction.
Sally affected not to notice this.
"Well, children," she said. "This is very interesting, isn't it? There seems to be some conflict amongst the authors as to how the narrative should develop. This new Dogsbreath person, the rather odd Australian, seems to have injected a new note of slightly unusual powers. What do you think? Yes, Tarquin?"
Tarquin had been squirming in his seat with his hand stretched skywards in an attempt - manifestly successful - to attract Sally's attention.
"Pleathe Mith!" he lisped. "I think it'th vewy exthiting! I think the tenthion thet up by the attemptth by one of the authorth to get rid of the whole crew and finith off the entire thtorwy ith a wonderful piethe of inventiveneth!"
Thebathtian rothe thlowly (I'm sorry!) .... Sebastian rose slowly to his feet. He wiped the back of his neck with a large handkerchief. Turning, he fixed Tarquin once more with a gimlet eye. This time he also reached out and grasped Tarquin's shirtfront. Lifting him off his chair, he eyeballed the little lisping pillock from about three inches.
"Why am I not surprised, pillock, to learn that you think these attempts to hi-jack the plot are exciting?" he said. "Is it because I know you to be a short-@rsed, lisping, sycophantic serial pest? Or is it because you have no truly creative, innovative qualities and you get your miserable kicks from seeing the creative efforts of others spoiled by what amounts to literary vandalism?"
"I'm sorry, Miss," he said to Sally, who was trying ineffectually to pull him off Traquin. "I'll put him down now."
Reaching across with the hand that was not dangling Tarquin's struggling person above his chair, Sebastian literally brushed him off, causing Tarquin to subside at some velocity back onto his seat, where he tried hard to regain both his breath and his composure.
Sally was not amused.
"Really, Sebastian!" she exclaimed. "It's not nice to manhandle your classmates like that! Even if you are big and strong and eminently capable of lifting people off their feet." She blushed and looked confused.
Daphne twisted her hockey stick in a frustrated stew.
Sebastian eyed Sally in an entirely non-student-like manner. He cleared his throat.....
Meanwhile, back aboard the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, things were developing as she sped silently across the yawning void between galaxies, her hyper-space thrusters fully engaged.
The captain ....
was about to retire to his cabin when the lookout called down "Klingons on the starboard bow Captain". The Captain looked at leading helmsman James Seawater and asked " what shall we do Jim?"and he replied "it matters not Sir the silly twit will be along to try his hand at destroying this thread as he is incapable of watching others enjoy themselves." and with that ......................
.....the Captain looking bewildered by the readers references to literature as this is surely not literature but merely the fanciful wanderings of a bunch of blokes with silly names.
"I tell you what Jim as we seem unable to lose a single crew member I suggest we attempt to test the theory by setting the ship to self destruct in 10 seconds."suggested the Captain.
"Way ahead of you there Captain I set it going 9 seconds ago, although I am sure those who believe this thread is not for public contribution will not allow it."
BANG !!!
he would have shot happyhammer another reddy if he could and removed the self destruct button and went to bed to dream perchance to............
read the words:
Chapter Ten
Dawn broke.
At least it broke somewhere in the galaxy - possibly on the planet Coozbane, for example.
Not, however, on the fighting bridge of the good starship Very Little Gravitas Indeed. There is no dawn in the aching, soul-destroying, interminable yawning reaches of space between star systems.
As the crew conned her forwards at close to light speed, checking the vision panels intermittently, they found it difficult to discern any progress. The minor star system programmed into the ship's navigation processors seemed to get no closer.
Captain Nemo, back in his human form, felt strongly that he needed to do something to boost morale amongst the crew.
"Y'know, Dogsbreath," he said to his recently appointed Sergeant-at-Arms. "I feel strongly that I need to do something to boost morale amongst the crew."
"Morale, eh?" said Dogsbreath. "Used to know a bloke back in Oodnapissup who was always whingin' about morale...."
"Yes, Yes," interjected Nemo in an attempt to curtail another one of Dogsbreath's appallingly lengthy reminiscences. Too late!
"Yair...." Dogsbreath chuckled. "Jeez he was a bloody pain! I remember walking into the Cowcockies Arms one night and there 'e was! Sinkin' beer and whinging about morale! 'Morale?' I said. 'Morale?' Don't bloody talk ter me about bloody morale! I've ...."
...seen better morale during a whip-round on the flogging deck of the hell-ship Titan Uranus, than I've ever seen on any of the versions of the Good Ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed. Yer gunna have to do sumpthin' more than give this lot a corporate star if you want to improve morale."
"Very well, Dogsbreath, what do you suggest", asked Nemo, taken aback by the strength of Dogsbreath's response. (He was also taken aback by the strength of Dogsbreath's breath, but that's another story for another time.)
"Skipper," says Dogsbreath, "you can't beat a bit of community singing to improve morale." So saying, he grabbed the Mother Farquar's wooden leg (oh yes, the MF now has a wooden leg) to use as a baton, sprang onto the taffrail and ordered Thebathtion to scurry back to his cabin and get his theramin.
"Now, crew, when Thebathtion returns with his theramin, he will accompany us all in a round of community singing, for the express purpose of improving morale. The first song, to which you all know the words, will be.....
argh, I seem to have forgotton da wordz, but as the sun sets in the east, we all hum the tune made famous by the Sex Pistols, and sleep, perchance to dream..........
Funny you should say that Stuart as I did actually post the words but alas I was reported to a moderator and they were removed.:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by stuart_lees
HH.
Hey CraigB thanks for the reddie which post did you object to? Want to make sure you're justified in calling me a tosser...:D :eek: