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... doubled over in pain, "I think you nicked my bowel you bastard. I'm going to sue you for malpractice." His arras penetrated for the second time in his life, Polonius was starting to wonder if hiding behind curtains was such a great idea.
Looking around for something to wipe her sword on, Mother Farquar's eyes hesitated on the curtains already soiled by a previous display of barbarity ...
When suddenly she was felled by Hermione's lusty cover drive. For you see, Roger had retrieved the now bain dead Staines' Kookaburra and delivered to the Sister Farcquar a tempting half volley.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" exclaimed Mother Farcquar "what the fark was that?"
"That was me cover drive mum", said Hermione "and thank god you intercepted it 'cause it was going over the taffrail (what is a taffrail anyway) for sure".
Just then...
a group of workcover inspectors arrived on the scene to inspect the taffrail and a stop work meeting was called for by the appropriate trade union which was......
... immediately bailed up by a couple of HR managers from amongst the ranks of the hamsters and served with a (s)127 order in the Federal Industrial Relations Commission.
While thus distracted, the union officials and the hamsters' IR managers were tossed clean over the offending taff-rail by Mother Farcquar. She had taken a distinct fancy to the Worksafe inspector, whom she tucked under her enormous arm and headed down an adjacent companionway, on pleasure bent. The last that was seen of the Worksafe inspector was a glimpse of him about to make a note on his clipboard: "Now, madam," he was heard to say, "Do you have the appropriate MSDS for that arras-piercing weapon?"
The hamsters and the union officials, meanwhile, had managed to fall into a convenient lifeboat. They floated off, arguing about seating positions and agendas.
"Now, children," said Sally ...
... about Polonius". (Thought we'd forgotten him, didn't you, dear reader?)
"According to the text, he was wearing beige when he stepped out from behind the curtain," said Sally. "BEIGE! So, apart from being a boring old fart, forever handing out gratuitous advice and eavesdropping on private conversations, he's also numbered amongst the world's beige-wearing gits! What does the class think of this, hmmmm?
Sally was clearly much moved by....
the music of Hudie Leadbetter. In fact for no apparant reason she suddenly started singing:
"Gone jump down turn around
pick a bale of cotton,
Gone jump down turn around
Pick a bale a day,
Oh lordy ..
However, suddenly a shot rang out and the assembled crew turned to see that Cap'n Nemo was standing athwart the taffrail blowing the smoke off his Midnight Special.
"Now listen to me" he bellowed....
... if you don't stop this at once and sing something wholesome like: "I Get a Kick Out of You" , I'll send you all to Alberta on the Rock Island Line. Keep this up and it's Goodnight Irene - all right?"
"Oh my goodness!!" exclaimed Sally. "It appears, children, that the book we have been reading has come to life in our very classroom!! Now don't panic, I'm sure you are all well aquainted with all the characters, so stay calm and just try to fit in as best you can. Just keep a good eye out for that terrible seaman Staines, and be sure not to upset Captain Nemo. After all, he doesn't seem too happy to see me, and his pistol is definitely NOT in his pocket!!"
Captain Nemo stared at Sally. "Well, are you going to sing one of my selections, or do I have to...
teach you the words to "I did it my way?"
"Oh no cap'n, you couldn't be so cruel" pleaded Sally.
"Oh yes I could" sneered Nemo "in fact, you don't know what you're in for"
With that, he turned to Roger and said ...
"Give me one of those pink Gins you were flouncing about with earlier, and while you're at it, I'll have a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!!"
This put Roger in quite a quandry; the pink Gin he could handle with ease, but where was he going to find a crocodile for the requested sandwich?
"Um, beggin' your pardon, Cap'n, but could I suggest that, with your permission of course, you might like to try....
... but a week had gone by and Roger's suggestion had, it seemed, vanished as if it had never been made.
Furthermore, Sally's classroom had returned to normal. The only obvious activity was an occasional flurry of blows about the head, administered in a desultory fashion by Augustin upon the kick-boxing Tarquin and inevitably followed by an outburst of unmitigated savagery from the girl's hockey team. These interruptions aside, Sally was able to continue with her reading.
Back on the poop deck, Nemo was consulting with ...
Billy Connolly about the best way to milk a cow and ....
have sex with a rabbit. Suddenly, ...
Roger came rushing up to Nemo with the requested pink gin & crocodile sandwich. "Sorry I took so long, Cap'n, but I had a devil of a time catchin' that crocodile. Will there be anything else, Sir?"
Sally closed her book yet again. "Well children, what do you all make of that? And why do you think Roger's pending suggestion never eventuated? Very curious, don't you think?"
No sooner had the question left her lips than there was a loud rasping noise. The rip yawned wide.
An expectant hush came over the poop deck. From below decks came the faint despairing cries of a Worksafe inspector in the enormous hands of the Mother Farcquar.
Just as the expectant hush was on the point of being slightly too long and therefore embarrassing ....
Through said rip appeared a person in a DHL uniform.
"Right" said the courier as he peered at his clipboard. "I've got a consignment of caps here. It seems that they're a mixture of foil lined and regular Baseball style caps, sporting a most curious logo".
"So who's responsible and who's going to sign my chitty, hmm?" he queried.
"Well!" exclaimed Nemo "I didn't expect...."
... to have to deal with a uniformed courier with a clipboard! But since it seems that I do, well . . "
He reached into the capacious pockets of his pantaloons, withdrew a pair of duelling pistols, tossed one of them to the courier and, before the poor sod had a chance to understand what was going on, shot him neatly between the eyes at point-blank range.
Nemo tossed the courier's body over the side (provoking further discussion amongst the HR managers and Worksafe inspectors on their raft - which had floated back alongside). He opened a package of baseball caps, admired the logo, selected a foil-lined one and - because he hadn't a bloody clue - hung it from his belt buckle.
"What a well-tailored cod-piece!" he declared, striking an heroic pose. "It reminds me of ...
the lead lined underpants I used to be so fond of."
"Not as heavy mind, so one can't be sure that they afford adequate protection"
"I suppose I should use an extra thick application of MFKL, just to be on the safe side"
And before you could say Farquar, Nemo had his pantaloons around his ankles, and his legs akimbo.
While he was thus engaged, Roger appeared and said:
"Beggin, you're pardon sir, but Master Bates send his compliments and wonders..."
... if you'd be interested in knowing that the Mother Farcquar has finished interfering with that Worksafe inspector and is heading this way?"
Nemo hauled his pantaloons aloft and buckled up his accoutrements in the nick of time as the Mother Farcquar's appallingly arranged features appeared at deck level, her lustful eyes aglint.
"Staines!" called Nemo. "You're promoted to senior Lookout-in-Chief for your prompt advice passed on by young whatsisname here! Proceed to the cross-trees immediately!"
"Aye-aye, Cap'n!" said Staines. "Does this mean I'm no longer a seaman, sir?"
"Don't be a damn' fool, man!" said Nemo. "Why would we spoil the joke? It would be like changing Roger's rank. If he suddenly became something other than the Cabin Boy we'd have bloody mayhem! Can you imagine what would happen if someone said Roger the Seaman? The confusion would destroy the well-ordered running of the ship! No, man. You're still Seaman Staines and will remain so as long as I'm master and commander of this vessel."
No sooner had the words left his lips when ...
... he turned into a penguin. "Quack, quack" he said, in a more penguiny sort of way than you would otherwise expect from, say, a duck. Seaman Staines managed a somewhat theatrical double take and exclaimed "Captain Nemo, sir, I don't wish to alarm you - but you seem to have turned into a penguin".
Completely unable to deny the truth of Staines' revelation, Nemo, with a curious longing for raw fish welling up in his belly, waddled off to find a looking glass.
"I wonder if that's the last we'll see of Captain Nemo" pondered Seaman Staines. He ...
contemplated the delicate boquette of the fine green cigarette he was smoking, he took another drag and before him an incredible thing happened, the sky turned..........
off.
"Bugger!" said Staines.
"You're a fine one to talk!" said Roger, "Er ... at the risk of sounding very existential, where's the sky?"
Horatio the hamster heard Roger as he emerged from behind the binnacle where he had been enjoying an afternoon doze.
"Why is the wind and how is the ocean?" he enquired, in an amused and patronising tone. He looked up.
"Bugger!" he said.
"Don't you start!" said Staines. "I was ...
... just having a little smoko when the bloody sky went out".
"I hate it when that happens," moaned Roger, "I hope it doesn't take as long to get it fixed as it did when the dawn broke the other day."
Just then, an ominous voice from on high boomed "errr, sorry chaps. Looks like I've kicked the blessed cord out of the wall again. I was just rearranging the furniture in the lobby and ...
The crew milled about the deck. There was a good deal of muttering from behind hands: "D1ckhead!" "W@nker!"
The sky came back on.
An ironic cheer went up and ...
due to insufficient bracing promptly fell down again......
Witnessing this appalling collapse, Crabtree assumed command in the absence (or rather in the penguince) of Nemo.
"Good moaning, crow!" he said to the crew. "Ibvioosly the ironic stricture of that choor didn't wook so we'll meke a woodic one! Send for the Mooster Corpinter!"
(Is everybody keeping up with this - nobody misunderstanding the general gist? Good.)
But the master carpenter was in the final stages of putting a secret rear entrance into Al's red plonk cupboard, so he called out .......
scrumpy
But that did him no good at all.
Of course he could have called out ERIC for all the difference it would have made.
Anyway, suddenly the carpenter exclaimed, "bloody hell, there's a Lion in this here wardrobe" Nervously he startted looking around for a witch. When suddenly... ,
.........Al's hairy arm came into the cupboard and grabbed a...............
..... foil witches hat .......
now now Bob, you can't reply to your own post. That's against the rules :rolleyes:
botle of red, which he immediately offered up to ....Quote:
Originally Posted by echnidna
... Nemo the penguin - which was bloody cruel because the poor little waddling sod had no ability to pull the cork. His little floppy flippers waved around in a frustrated manner and he waddled off, completely shattered by the experience.
A foil clad head appeared ...
to be doing nothing at all.
Suddenly Kaboom ....
Nemo the penguin remembered that his deformed brother Memo had a threaded beak which would act just like a corkscrew, he beckoned him to the b ottle and insert his beak into the cork and twisted him, applied a little pressure and the cork popped out.
The problem now was that Memo couldn't breath as he had a bleeding cork stuck on his beak and Nemo was more concerned about finding a red wine glass rather than a champagne flue because....
champagne didn't agrree with him.
In fact, unless it was really expensive French stuff, he thought that it had more than a pasing resemblance to cats urine.
Meanwhile, poor old Memo was about to breathe his last when suddenly Staines appeared in the wardrobe.
"Bugger me" exclaimed Staines (and all the readers thought "well that'll be a first") "how did I get into this wardrobe, and why is this poor little critter about to breathe his last?"
"It's because he's got a cork on his beak you moron, quacked Nemo".
Just then ..
feeling absolultley corked, Memo let go with a rip roaring frat and dislodged the cork. He mused about being corked and related that to the time he...........
realised that a frat was much more powerful than a fart............