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...though, that I probably shouldn't have ejaculated in the last paragraph from craigb. Still, if that didn't turn you on then I must be safe. So saying he turned his back on Semen Staines. This gave him a view of Susan on her knees in front of Crabtree. "What the &*%$ is going on there?" he internally ejaculated to himself, "Well, whatever she's doing I want some"...
At this point, Crabtree, who had been looking sideways at Staines ever since the latter mentioned antique French clocks, disengaged himself from Michelle (and Susan as well). Moving across to where Staines stood, looking very smug at his new-found chastity, Crabtree said:-
"Fronch untook clicks, eh? Belle epoque or fin de siecle?"
Staines, of course, hadn't got a bloody clue what he was talking about so he rubbed his cramped leg a bit more and said:
"Oh, yeah right! Well Fanny Seckle was a good clockmaker - for a sheila, that is"
With this, Crabtree ...
grabbed Michelle by the ears and .........
said this is how I hold my liquor. With that he pulled an aardvark out of his ...
aardvark carrier...............
which he purchased from a secondhand dealer in ...
the Antardvaark, a little known part of the world where....
... scrawny little old men sit in tin bathtubs while being patronised by their supercilious sons.
Plying the aardvaark liberally and with (one hesitates to use the expression but it is the only suitable one) gay abandon, he ...
he silently sent a prayer of thanks (to or whichever of the gods he was sucking up to at that particular time) that it was an ardvaark and not an echidna that he had chosen to abandon gaily, he released his grasp of Michelle's ears and stepped through the recently enlarged hole in the fabric of the universe and emerged ten minutes earlier at a little seaside town on the NSW south coast called....
... Medulla Oblongata Beach (otherwise known as Landfall of the Silent Sea) where he immediately established an architectural practice, specializing in butterfly roof designs with prominent internal gutters. This caused a sensation in the town, because ...
for too long they had relied on good old fashioned wooden shutters to keep their nefarious deeds secret. Now, faced with these new architectural designs, their secrets would no longer be safe. Also the indoor gutters proved to be a bit of a nuisance because...
... the residents of the town, who were very tall and handsome as a rule, frequently bumped their heads on the gutters when striding manfully through their lounge rooms. Over time, this resulted in a lessening of their striking good looks but also ironically brought about a subtle design improvement in the gutters by increasing the fall and making them less likely to flood in a hail storm. The Silent Sea, alluded to in a piece of laudanum-induced drivel from a silly chap with two last names, was anything BUT silent on that day, for it was ...
a dark and stormy night and Bulwer-Lytton was at his typewriter composing his new novel which funnily enough began:
"It was a dark and stormy night"
When suddenly ...
... 50 metres off the beach, the submarine Nautilus surfaced.
Onlookers were surprised to see two figures aloft the conning tower, struggling in what seemed to be a fairly serious blue.
"How many times have you got to be told? Don't open the bloody hatch when we're submerged! You're a flamin' moron!" shouted one of them.
"You can't call your captain a moron, you mutinous dog!" quoth the other.
Captain Nemo (for, amazingly enough, it was he), grappled his first lieutenant to the deck and ...
... making a mental note that, against all logic, his crew had laid the timber decking groove side up, sat on the first lieutenant's stomach and proceeded to quote the Rhyme of The Ancient Mariner to him, stabbing his fingers into the first lieutenant's chest in the manner of a typewriter as he did so. As he slapped the first lieutenant on the ear at the end of each line, he made a "ding" sound, which ...