...repeated slowly his earlier fear
"The curse!. You fools! do you not know of 'The Curse of Orgasmo'!?"
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...repeated slowly his earlier fear
"The curse!. You fools! do you not know of 'The Curse of Orgasmo'!?"
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"He said 'The Curse of Orgasmo", ya deaf sod!" said Staines.
"Oh yeah - good book, that." said Groans.
Sponcracker was fascinated by this turn in the conversation.
"I'm fascinated by this turn in the conversation," he said. "Pray tell me, Mr Groans, what book is it that you think we're discussing?"
Groans apparently heard the question. He looked at Sponcracker with what he fondly imagined to be a sage, shrewd, bookish, intellectual expression (it actually looked more like a dopey, half-deaf old bastard trying and failing to look sage, shrewd etc). He said: " 'The Pearl of Orlando' - good book, that."
Staines twassocked him about the ears with a ...
with a piece of wet celery while Sponcracker filled Groans ears with cheese so that he would be prepared for the torture of the ear eating midget rat who was loosely claimed to be the one true follower of the .....
"I'm sorry children" said Sally,"I appear to have lost my place"
"Miss" piped up young Tarquin while Sally thumbed through the book trying to find where the story was up to, "I'm a bit confused. Exactly who is on board the Very Little Gravitas Indeed at the moment?"
"It's just that a character will make an appearance and be in a scene or two and then one never hears of them again. The worst thing is, there's rarely an explanation. It's most perplexing"
"Yes" said Sally "I can see how you would be confused. Well as I remember, the crew consists of:
Captain Roger (VC & Bar)
Master Bates
Seaman Staines
Leading Artificer Groans
Bosun Bastard
Algernon Frontbottom, Captain Royal Marines
Mr Midshipman Fellatio Hornblower
Halfrit Sponcracker, 'droid master
Farti Slartblast, Sponcracker's boss
Chocolate LeClair, Belgian detective
Carruthers of The Yard, Pommie Detective
A host of John Ashcrofts
Admiral Shiny-Britches
and (shudder) The Mother Farquar
I think that's all. What do you think children, Have I missed anyone?"...
"Well," said .....
Willy, the next chapter has this clown riding around on a bicycle without a seat who manages to....
... remember three captains. They are (reading from sternpost to bowsprit):-
- Captain Crabtree (Good moaning!) - British agent and phoney gendarme.
- Captain Glorsprang Nemo (Quack!) - CEO of Nemo Corporation and penguin.
- Uncle Captain Bastard (Pardon?) - ship's cook aka "Who called the cook a bastard? - Who called the bastard a cook?"
All clear? Splendid, then let us ...
find an answer to Captain Roger(VC and Bar)'s question about the curse of Orgasmo
At that suggestion, the entire ships complement scratched its collective head, looked collectively dumbfounded, heaved a heavy sigh and said, in unison, "What was the question again?"
"For the third time (unless I've lost count)," said Captain Roger the former cabin boy VC & bar, "do you not know of the Curse of Orgasmo?" (This curse is so important to the plot that he spoke in bold type.)
The entire crew maintained its collective (and accurate) appearance of complete ignorance, except for Bosun Bastard, whose eyes rolled back in his head in terror.
"Begad, the Curse of Orgasmo", he trembled, and with that...
... he began to tell a tale so chillingly shocking, so shockingly chilling, and so chockingly shilling, that on hearing it, nary a man (nor woman) amongst them could stop the knocking of his (nor her) (shut up Stan) knees. Yes, a tall tale, but true: a story that had been handed down from father to son; and from son to grandson; and then it skipped a generation, only to be found amongst the remnants of Grandfather's late life demented ravings, which he had consigned to paper in the belief that anyone at all might ever be interested - and yet one that rang so true that all who heard it could but stare in disbelief while it was told and then shake their heads and mutter "I can hardly believe it yet it must be true". Yes, a fable of such ...
Oh just shut up and get on with it, will you Bastard!!
Right, well it starts like this....
"Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a far away place called..."
Un Zud there lived a fair young maiden who was awaiting her true love who had spent 6months in a leaky boat.........
When her true love eventually arrived she discovered that his feet, due to the leaky conditions, were all wrinkly and pale white. The fair young maiden was not amused.
"HELLO!?!" she said. "White wrinkly feet? Eeeeeyeew! I DON'T THINK SO!"
And she flounced off to the nearest shopping mall, texting her friends to divulge the awful news about her (ex) true love.
He wasn't too amused either. He leapt ashore. This was not a wise move. His feet, as noted, were in very tender condition and the beach was pebbly.
"(Expletive soddin' deleted)!!!!" he yelled. "ME FEEEEET!!!!'
No sooner had the words sprang from his lips when out from behind a seaweed-covered rock appeared a small figure, clad entirely in green foil outer garments and bearing a strange and wonderfully-wrought wooden sculpture. (Dear Reader, it was the fabled Twig of Orgasmo - although the poor sod with the dodgy feet wasn't to know this).
"Hello!" said the small foil-clad person. "I am ...."
Tam 'o Shanter.
Now I know that you weren't expecting to meet a leprachaurn in the South Seas, but we live in dangerous times."
"Tam" said .....
.. the thwarted swain. "Permit me to introduce myself". (He was excessively polite, was this lad). "My name is Footsore Truelove. Are you, by any remote chance, related to either Moichael O'Flatulence or Sean O'Bollocks?"
A strangely guarded and suspiciously sly expression fleetingly transformed the face of the foil-clad one. It was gone almost before Footsore had registered the change.
"Who? Me?" laughed Tam. "Related to - who was it you said? Michael O'Flabbergast, was it? Sean O'Botulism? No, no, I don't think so. No, no, not for a minute!"
"Hang on ..." said Footsore. "I wonder....."
..., do you have a twin brother, name of Tim?"
"Close, but no biscuit!" proclaimed Tam, as he proceeded to dance about on the spot, wafting the twig of orgasmo about like a wand.
"La la la, tee tee, dicky dum do," sang the strange little man.
"What a strange little man," thought Footsore "I wonder why he is waving that odd looking twig about?"
Suddenly the odd little man stopped dancing. "I suppose you're wondering why I'm waving this odd looking twig about? Well, I'll tell you why, but first you must pay me."
"Pay you? Why would I pay you?" exclaimed Footsore, who was starting to realise a new level of nominative determinism.
"Because the story I'm about to tell you is something that ultimately concerns your fate. That's why!!"
"Oh," said Footsore, "OK then. Here's all of my money, which I was saving for the wedding but I suppose I wont be needing it now. Is it a long story? Do you mind if I sit down?"
And with that, the diminutive foil-clad figure commenced a strange and eerie tail. It went like this: