"... I want to make sure that deaf bastard Groans hears me."
"WHAT!" said Bos'un Bastard. "Did he say that Groans is a Bastard, too?"
Groans, on the other hand, said: "What did ..."
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"... I want to make sure that deaf bastard Groans hears me."
"WHAT!" said Bos'un Bastard. "Did he say that Groans is a Bastard, too?"
Groans, on the other hand, said: "What did ..."
... I do with my ear trumpet? Oh, there it is." Shoving the small end in his ear, he turned to Moichael Of The Flatulence and said "now, what were you calling my Mother?"
"I says your mother wears army boots, says I, and her mouth is so wide, she speaks in surround sound, so she does." With that, and an evil leering grin, O'Flatulence leapt over the skilliard, onto the port baffle board and executed a triple half pike over the side.
"Well," said John Ashcroft "that's a mighty strange turn of events. Would someone please explain to me what is going on around here?"
A ponderous person wearing a gendarme's uniform loomed into the foreground.
"Good moaning!" he said. "Proops ay cin hoolp. It sooms there er sooveral poople neemed Joan Ishcreft. This os cinfosing in etsoolf, if coorse. Huweever, add the fict that there ere a lit of Bustards prisent and the sityooition becoomes intoolerible!"
There was a moment or two of silence, best described thus:-
"!"
This was followed by a loud chorus from, reading from foc'sle to poop deck:
The cast of HMS Pinafore
John Ashcroft in his many and varied manifestations
Several assorted Bastards (including Uncle Captain the cook)
A bunch of Sponcracker's droids
The Mother Farcquar and
Leading Artificer Groans
They all said (in unison - well actually, they hadn't gone to the little-known lower-case town of unison, they were all still aboard the Very Little Gravitas Indeed but they spoke in unison, y'see.... er, ..... is that clear?) This is what they said:
"WHAT'D 'E SAY?!?"
So the ponderous person wearing a gendarme's uniform repeated the sratement for them
"Good moaning!" he said. "Proops ay cin hoolp. It sooms there er sooveral poople neemed Joan Ishcreft. This os cinfosing in etsoolf, if coorse. Huweever, add the fict that there ere a lit of Bustards prisent and the sityooition becoomes intoolerible!"
after which bosun Barstard said to no one in particular "Well no one in particular whats your view on these froggy types trying to speak english"
"Well, Bosun" replied No One Inparticular "it's not often anyone asks my opinion, but I'm glad you asked. You see, it just so happens that I am a keen observer of froggy matters relating to persons of doubtful parentage, and in this particular instance it seems to me that...
"Before you go on," interjected Sponcracker. "Before you go on, I think you're labouring under a misapproriation....what?.....oh, OK .... a miscegenation ....what?... Slartbast, stop poking me in the ribs! ...oh .... right, yeah, OK, got it. You seem to be labouring under a misapprehension (OK? Yeah? Good). Y'see, when you say persons of doubtful parentage, I assume you mean people who are illegitimate? Yeah? Right. People like, for example, say, Napoleon or Seaman Staines? But, y'see, when you refer in this way to the Bo'sun and the cook, well, you've got that wrong because they're a couple of proper Bastards!"
The Bo'sun, Uncle Captain the cook, Seaman Staines and a bloke called Napoleon from the amateur dramatic society all began to move in a purposeful manner towards Sponcracker. They had each managed to lay their hands upon a belaying pin.
Just then ....
... a noise was heard from the orange rooom.
... well not a noise, more like a wailing and sobbing that...
..that indicated the gerbil in the generator had "gave up the ghost" and the supply of electrons to the orange machine had ceased to operate. Once the wailing had stopped, the cursing started, "Damd gerbil sixth one this bit of timber", "Don't make gerbils like they used to", etc, etc....
The feeling of dred swept across the deck and the utterance of "Ohh! no", was the only thing to be heard between the cursing and cussing. For they knew what was next.....
Was the punctaution Pirates!
Yes. That's right. Some very grammar nasties had been lurking on the Very little Gravitas Indeed, and quite frankly, they'd had enough.
Clarissa turned to Chloe and said:
"Honestly Chloe, if I have to read another badly parsed sentence, I think I'll go spare".
"I know what you mean" sympathised Clarissa. "After all, how hard can it be to double space and format one's meaningless drivel?"
"Quite" said Chloe.
Meanwhile, on the Very Little Gravitas Indeed ....
... Sponcracker's droids disarmed his putative assailants. They were very polite to the Bo'sun, fairly short with the cook, bloody rough with Staines and they simply tossed Napoleon the amateur dramatist over the taffrail.
"Errk!" he said, before the foaming briny closed over his horsehair wig.
The chief droid handed Sponcracker a set of belaying pins along with some advice.
"Chief Droid Techo," the automaton said, in a disturbingly metallic pseudo-voice. "You should avoid using the word bastard."
"The droid's right, y'know." said Slartbast. "Because ....
our shipmate Algernon is one "
"Algernon"? queried Farti Slartblast.
What's his last name then?
"Why Frontbottom of course" said Algie "which one of you dogs wants to know?"
Leading artificer Groans unexpectedly said ...
"Look astern!"
They all looked.
As one, their lower jaws dropped.
Thirty-odd metres astern of the ship, Moichael O'Flatulence, that upimself Irish hoofer had transformed himself into that upimself Irish waterskier. He was prancing about on a single ski, swooping back and forth across the ship's wake, getting huge air on each pass.
But! He had no ski rope! Nothing there was attaching him to the vessel!
What the hell!?!!
"What the hell!?!!" quoth Frontbottom. "He's ...
using one of them new fangled hoverboards that Michael J. Fox used on one of his "Back to the Furtive" movies!
"I think you'll find that movie was called 'Back to the future'" interrupted Algie who was an expert on anything remotely connected to Time Travel, (or punctuation, for that matter.)
"I don't give a stuff what movie it was, the fact is, he's riding one of them things." retorted Frontbottom rather sulkily because he realised that Mr Upimself O'Flatulence would soon be one of their number again unless something wonderful happened.
On cue...
He momentarily lost control over a very rough patch of the ships wake and headed straight for the intake port of the sailing ships hydro drive system, with a loud slurping sound emminating from the bowels of the ships innards, a spume of bright red slurry was ejected from the hydrojet exhaust drive port.
Those at the rear end of the ship looked in amusment as the reality sunk in an said "Cor' I bet that smarts".
A snicker threaded it's way throughout the crew as the last comment went from man to man.
"That'll teach 'im fer bein' a smart aarse, bloody show off" said the ships nav to no one in particular.
"Oh! and by the way you chaps, if per chance you see any of those ruddy punctuation police chaps, give 'em a right good kick in the gonads" said the chief petty officer.
"Peewheeet tweet tweeee"
Suddenly, all the ship's crew leapt to attention.
"What was that high pitched, and frankly quite aggravating, sound we just heard?" asked Sponcracker.
"An officer coming aboard," replied the Bosun "stand to attention".
Sponcracker hitched up his battle shorts and stood rigid just as the Bosun sounded "at ease".
"Who is it?" whispered Sponcracker to Seaman Staines.
"Well, I'll be buggered" replied Staines "if it isn't Admiral of the Fleet, Captain Shiny Britches himself."
A tall and brooding figure strode onto the deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed. He paced back and forth before the bedraggled assembly that was the crew and sundries, before turning on his heels and demanding, in a whiny nasal voice "I demand to see the Captain of this .... ship. Where is he and give me one reason why he should not be strung from the yard arm at once!"
The crew looked at each other and ...