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"He's going to tell, he's going to tell,
He's going to tell, he's going to tell."
The crew found themselves singing in unison. Drawn by some strange force that not one of them could control.
"Well, when you kicked me in the ocean, you all toit that I was dead,
I was swimming wit the fishies and not much to be said."
"He was swimming wit the fishies and not much to be said."
"Well, I held my breath for ever and my face was turning blue,
But I was tinking of the nasty naughty tings what I could do,
When I get back to the surface I could give you all a floggin',
It was then the evil egg fell down and 'it me on me noggin"
"It was then the evil egg fell down and 'it him on 'is noggin."
"And now, I'm going to do the most 'orrible tings, I am to be sure. Starting wiv...
-
"a performance of HMS Pinnafore!"
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Scarcely had the words: "Oh no! Not that! Anything but that! Even the bloody Fete Worse Than Death! But not HMS Pinafore!"
Scarcely, as I said, had these words resounded throughout the ship when there was a terrible tearing sound. The Rip parted and the maindeck was suddenly filled with a bunch of dead-set nongs, dressed in ill-fitting nautical costumes, wearing exaggerated and badly applied stage make-up, prancing and strutting about whilst singing at the tops of their voices, as if in competition with each other. Various members of the cast were engaged in elbowing people, attempting to get 'upstage'.
"Oh no!" said Roger (VC and Bar). "It's even worse than I thought! It's a bloody amateur operatic society!"
With an evil, leering smirk Moichael said .....
-
"I am the very model of an Irish undead gentleman,
My carcass swarms with organisms animal and vegetable,
The egg that hit my noggin gives me powers of animation,
That I have not possessed since succumbing to asphyxiation ...
-
And the crew, gripped by an irresistible urge, a strange compulsion, sang:
"We'll need more than Occam's Razor if we're to find an explanation
Of this horrible, zombie'd undead Moichael-like manifestation ..."
-
Just then the captain's turned and said together "Oy! you lot!..That's enough, what do you think this is, the ruddy Sound of Music!...Now knock it off, an get back to the ruddy story!".....with that the crew mumbled and got back to the tasks at hand......But what of Moicheal, what became of the vile egg and did the cook finally get dinner under control, all these and more will be answered but first thing's first, what has become of the ships duck?........
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Pondered John Ashcroft as he rummaged in the for'ard sail locker.
"Ah ha!" he exclaimed "that's what I was looking for. Now I'll be able to....
-
He was interrupted by a loud cry from the poop:
"D'ye hear there! This is the captain! John Ashcroft report immediately to the quarter deck!"
The quarter deck was suddenly filled with a whole bunch of blokes jostling and elbowing each other. You'd have thought they were an amateur operatic society.
"Which one of you lot is John Ashcroft?" said Bo'sun Bastard. He was amazed at the response as .....
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... beyond all reckoning, every single one of them was John Ashcroft, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. "Hello," they said in unison, "I'm John Ashcroft, who wants to know?"
-
"I do", said the bosun, John Ashcroft Bastard. "I'm enquiring on behalf of the Captain, Roger John Ashcroft the former Cabin Boy, VC & Bar. He's trying to complete his family tree, which at the moment, is more like a family telegraph pole. He's discovered his mother is ...."
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... about to reveal that her real name is Hermione John Ashcroft-Bastard. He is nervous about this because it seems to indicate not only that he may be related to me and my family, including Uncle Captain Bastard the ship's cook, but also that there may have been some inter-marrying in the family since his father's name was John Ashcroft."
"Well," said a bloke called John Ashcroft. "That's ...
-
funny because, (and here he started to sing to the tune of Winter Wonderland) Theres only one Johnny Ashcroft, there's only one Johnny Ashcroft"
"Hang on" interposed Groans, "what .....
-
... are you all doing here, anyway?"
"We came here to do the John Ashcroft version of HMS Pinnafore, starring John Ashcroft as himself."
"Well," said Bastard "there seem to be rather a lot of you. Are you all related?"
"Related? Why? What a strange question!" exclaimed John Ashcroft - no not him, the other one standing next to him and wearing the fez.
"Well, you're all John Ashcroft."
"Oh, yes I see, you're right. Hadn't really thought about it."
"Still, I suppose you get that all the time, do you?"
"No not really," said John Ashcroft, who seemed to be tiring of the conversation.
Just then ...
-
Groans interposed again (He had lowered his voice and was making surreptitious nod and wink gestures towards the maindeck)
"What about bloody Moichael and the cast of HMS Pinafore? He's still there, looking evil and tapping his foot!"
They looked. He was.
John Ashcroft strolled across to Moichael and said: "Is your name John Ashcroft?"
"WHAT!" yelled Moichael. "JOHN ...."
-
MOICHAEL O'FLATULANCE ASHCROFT IT IS TO BE SURE. HOW THE DEVIL DID YE KNOW?"
"Why are you shouting?" asked John Ashcroft. "I'm not deaf you know."
"Well" said O'Flatulence "it's because.....
