The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

Migrated to New Zealand.......:eek:


Al

and was never heard from again.

In an agreement with the Australian Government, the New Zealand Government sends a Kiwi to live in Bondi everytime someone migrates to New Zealand. In Crabtree's case they accidentally sent Helen Clark. Upon arrival Helen said ...

...I forgot to turn the lights off .....

Who the hill is John Farnam?????

Who the hill is Helen Clark?????

A bronzed Aussie named Pam, got sick of this Kiwi bimbo asking questions so she punched her in the face. While the majority of the crowd were pleased, the police felt obliged to keep the peace. Officer Dan arrested Pam and took her off to ...

to the Penthouse suite at the Bondi Hilton, where he intended conducting a thorough investigation of Pam and her prediliction towards physical discipline methodologies, when...

the door slammed open and standing there in all his finery was.....

Alf Garnett............

... who was immediately mistaken for Al until .....

he started banging on about Harold Bluddy Wilson, and the penny finally dropped. "Hey Alf, how about shutting your whining gob before I fill it with me knuckles!" said Pam. All this violent talk had the immediate effect of re-focussing Officer Dan's attention on his original purpose, and without futher ado he grabbed Alf by the scruff of his shirt and....

undid all the buttons. Dan stepped back and admired the body of Alf. Dan was strange that way. Dan then pushed Alf into the cell, where he proceeded to pull him self through the bars.

Pam looked on amazed and ...

said "How do you do that without skinning you knuckles?"

wondered if perhaps she might be able to have a go, too. Officer Dan noticed Pam staring intently, and moved quickly to prevent Pam from doing anything that Officer Dan would be sorry for later. "Step back, Pam. You need to understand that, on the whole, men are better at this sort of thing, because they have had more experience with it." Pam, her concentration broken, looked at Officer Dan, a light blush creeping up her neck & onto her cheeks. "Sorry, Officer Dan, I only wanted to...

rub his cute bald head and massage that fine luxuriant moustache and listen to his refined and cultured views on politics and life in general, Alf Garnett then realised he had blundered onto the wrong set and exploded into a tyrade of...................

extremely bad language, whilst at the same time succeeding in pulling himself completely through the bars of the cell (not without a bit of pain in the process, I might add!) and stormed off out of the suite, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, Officer Dan was pondering how the prison cell had appeared in the penthouse in the first place, when he realised that it too must have materialised out of the rip in the fabric of the universe as well!

"Oh well, another mystery solved. Now where were we, Pam, before we were so rudely interupted? Oh, I remember now! I was just about to investigate your...

very poor reason for not having repaired that bloody rip in the fabric!!!!

Just as Pam was about to defend herself by explaining that although she was pretty good at punching holes in things (especially faces), she was not so adept with a needle & thread, who should appear through the rip but.....

the entire cast from the Life of Brian who due to a technical malfunction in the space wars scene entered an invisible time warp.
Thinking that now they had really found the true Messiah, albeit devoid of any juniper bushes, they officially denounced the Peoples front of Judea and the Judean peoples front and promptly elected Biggus Dickus as their new leader............
how many hijacks can this endure?

"Well, children," said Sally. "That's an interesting question! How many hi-jacks do you think this tale can endure?"

Placing her book mark carefully, she closed the book and looked expectantly at the class.

Young Tarquin, who had been silent up until this point, leapt to his feet and cried:

"I have been silent up until this point ..!"

He was felled to the ground by a swift retributive blow from Augustin, wielding a tightly rolled-up copy of The Economist.

". . .And we have no wish to hear from you now!" quoth he (Augustin, that is).

"Now, now children! Be nice!" said Sally. "It seems to me that we can't get through a reading from this fascinating tale without the boys resorting to violence. I'm sure the girls agree with me, Don't you, girls?"

"Yes Miss!" cried the girls, in unison. They leapt to their feet and battered Augustin back into his seat with their hockey sticks. "Violence is a terrible thing, Miss!" they cried.

This act of violence and hypocracy pleased Sally greatly and she presented all the girls with degrees in social work for their endeavours, no beating around the juniper bushes at this fine school.
Meanwhile, in an adjacent classroom.................

.... Dennis, who was just shy of his 38th birthday, was trying to come to grips with the idea of inherited Monarchy:

"I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

"Shut up, will you. Shut up!" cried Arthur, grabbing Dennis by his shoulder and shaking him in a regally p!ssed off manner.

"Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system."

"Shut up!!"

"Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

"Bloody Peasant", cried Arthur and he drew his sword and ran Dennis through, "That's how the bloody scene would've ended if I'd written the script."

He wiped his sword on the curtain and turned to the rest of the class. "Now open your textbooks to page ...

Hardly had the words left Arthur's lips; hardly had he sheathed his sword when a terrible, huge, frightening figure emerged from the side of the stage and, wielding her mop and bucket with appallingly swift, violent skill, she hammered Arthur to the ground.

It was the totally unexpected return of Mother Farcquar in her new role as a cleaning lady.

"Wipe your bloody sword on my clean curtains, would you!" she howled. "Take that! And that!"

She sloshed a couple of litres of dirty water from her bucket full into Arthur's face and hammered him fair up the clacker with her mop.

The audience cheered wildly. This was the best entertainment they had seen since . . .

the Headmistress had eaten some cake that had been baked by the senior class & presented to her on break-up day last year. She was totally unaware that one of the ingredients was a very special green herb. The special ingredient had afflicted her with intensely amorous feelings, which she decided to share with...

with Willie the gardener, whose love lance was often the topic of discussion during the lunchtime banter of the teacher and students alike. For it was not the size of the falus that warrented such discussions but it's ...

... curious shape and psychodelic colours (not to mention unusual phonetic spelling). So proud of it was Willie, that he would gladly whip it out at the merest suggestion from passers-by. "How's it hanging, Willie?" was all it took.

Little did they all know, poor Willie was not always so decoratively endowed. Once, a long time ago, ...

... Willie's tackle was a dull and uninteresting set of appendages but now it had a magnificent lustre! Loyal and regular readers of these adventures will not be surprised to learn that Willie was a firm believer in daily applications of that most excellent tackle-enhancing unguent - yes, none other than:-

Max Factor Knacker Lacquer
It Adds a Lustre to Your Cluster!

Sally marked her place in the book, closed it and looking up at the innocent children's faces gathered about her , said:-

"Now, children. What do you think about the intrusion of these very obvious product endorsements that keep popping up? Do they - in your opinion - detract from the integrity of the tale, do they enhance it, or do you think they have no real effect?"

Tarquin leapt to his feet, opened his mouth to utter a comment ... and was immediately felled once more by Augustin, wielding an economy size jar of MFKL.

Augustin said ...

bugger all as he was in awe of the hockey stick wielding girls who were about to vent their lust for blood and violence on poor defenseless little Tarquin, for unfortunately during the equal opportunity lectures he had been asleep.
There was the whistle of several hockey sticks through the air and just before making contact Tarquin looked around and..................

... was beaten by a blow. He cursed the old snagger with the blue-bellied Joe and thought to himself "what would Tom Roberts do now?". He whipped out his easel and ...

and, because it was a rather large easel & his sudden movement, combined with the easel's weight, caused him to rip off an extremely loud fart, which had the immediate effect of...

... reviving the recumbent Tarquin.

"I have been silent up until this..." he said, ducking quickly to avoid another blow from Augustin, " ... point. But I can stay silent no longer!"

He swung quickly upright, pivoted on one foot and delivered a well-aimed kung-fu (or was it a foock-u?) kick to Augustin's left earhole.

"Take that, you ..."

swine, but it was not a kick at all, for Tarquin was web footed and this was a rapid pirouette which served the purpose of fanning the noxious methane he had released into every corner of the room.
Everyone was repulsed and attempted to get out of the one small door in the room but....................

.. it was very small. And locked. It was very small, locked, and actually only painted on. "Damn those education budget cuts!" cried Augustin. He looked around and the only other means of escape he could see was ....

to see if he could reach his hand into the small dark opening and release the leaver. In an effort to see what he was doing Augustin lit a match. The cries of "Nooooo!" was followed by ...

... a distinct anti-climax as the match went out.

"Sod it!" said Sally. "I was actually looking forward to the big WOOMPH noise. My life is so boring!"

The words had scarcely left her mouth when, to everyone's surprise, the painted-on door swung open. It was, of course, a badly-executed attempt to disguise the Rip In The Fabric Of The Universe. Through it scrambled a motley crew of hornpipe-dancing hamsters, several survivors of the the wreck of the good ship Very Little Gravitas, a fretful and distracted Roger - scrutinising the crowd for any evidence of the presence of Staines - and several attractive female members of the French Resistance clad in berets, trenchcoats and ankle socks. They were pursued by the fearsome mop-and-bucket-wielding Mother Farcquar, who ...

on this occasion was accompanied by a woman in a nun's habit.

This individual was actually Mother Farcquar's daughter Hermione, who as she was a nun was known as Sister Farcquar.

Sister Farcquar turned to Mother Farcquar and said ...

... "yes, I know it's ridiculous but what do you expect on a woodwork forum?" She reached into her voluminous undergarments and produced ...

A Cricket bat.

Right, she said who's up for a game of tip and run ?

"The rules are that the Mizzen is an electric wickie and over the taffrail is six and out."

Staines, whos was also a cunning legspin bowler, imediately rose to the challenge and producing a Kookaburra from his pantaloons walked to the top of his mark.

"Right, you Farcquar", he said to Hermione, "cop this" and with that...

... he staggered down the pitch, tripped on a crack in the pitch, choked on a piece of Nutrigrain and wound up a virtual f*ckwit. "Well, I never expected that to happen", exclaimed Roger.

"Hang on a minute", said Hermione, "who is that chuckling behind the curtain?". The curtain parted, and out walked a figure clad in beige. "It is I, ...

... Polonius! The last time I hid, chuckling, behind a curtain, that bastard Hamlet stuck his sword right through my arras! Looks like I got away with it this time!"

"Wrong!" quoth the Mother Farcquar and, drawing forth (or possibly, in her case, fifth) her enormous arras-penetrating blade, she ran him through from bowsprit to taff-rail.

"DOH!" exclaimed Polonius as he ...