This conversation NEARLY happened - minor enhancements
THE SCENE: Man sitting at a desk, staring at an old black 1970s phone on a desk. His hand is at the ready, waiting to pounce on the handpiece.
RING RING
HIM (with authority): “Hollow Metal Cylinders Incorporated, hello”
ME (tentatively): “Yes, I was wondering if you could help me please? Do you look like Michael Palin with a false moustache, spectacles and a white technician’s jacket? Blue shirt, striped tie, and so on?”
HIM (surprised): “Funny you should mention that Sir. I do, as a matter of fact, but only for today, and only while I’m here. I’ve been waiting for your call Sir!. How can I be of assistance to you today?”
ME (surprised, and a little feisty): “Oh good, because I look like John Cleese in a wet suit, with a fish in each hand, which I am prepared to use. (cautiously) I’d like to buy some Hollow Metal Cylinders please”.
HIM (gratified): “YES SIR. What size would you like?”
ME (knowingly): “Oh no you don’t – you won’t trick me like that with your silly salesman’s tricks!”
HIM (bemused and confused): “Beg pardon Sir?”
ME (confidently): “I said your salesman’s tricks won’t fool me. I know exactly what I want!”
HIM (with a slight rise in arrogance): “Glad to hear it Sir. Would you mind telling me what it is that you want?”
ME (needing reassurance): “Well, as long as you don’t laugh.”
HIM (reassuringly, but with choked laughter - already): “No, no, not at all Sir.”
ME (hesitantly reassured): “Alright. I’d like a brass hollow cylinder with an internal diameter of ½”
HIM (confident again): “Yes Sir. Would that be tube or pipe you were after?”
ME (on the ball): “AHA! YOU SEE? Playing games already! I told you, you won’t trick ME! You can call it what you like, but as long as it has an internal diameter of ½” and a wall thickness of approx 1mm then that is what I want.”
HIM (professional): “Hmmmm. I’ll just need to clarify that sir. Yes, you’re mixing Imperial and Metric measurements together, so I’ll ask you to use just one system to avoid confusion – yours and mine, Sir. AND, you really must tell me if the hollow metal cylinder you require is tube or pipe. There’s a difference you know!”
ME (aggravated): “NOW LOOK! I’ve already told you everything you need to know! Do you have a product that matches that description, or not?”
HIM (arrogant): “Well we probably do Sir, but in tube or pipe? I mean it’s a pretty simple question. You do understand the very simple question, don’t you Sir, or should I rephrase it? Yes, perhaps I will - pipe or tube sir?”
ME (confused): “I thought I was John Cleese??”
HIM (apologetic): “Quite right Sir. My apologies! Now then, tube or pipe?”
ME: (gambling): “Ah, I’ll take the, ah, ….just a sec……I’ll take the ….p…. no, the tu…..no, it’s PIPE that I want!”
HIM (confident again): “Ah, excellent choice Sir. I do believe that we may have that in stock!”
ME (relieved): “Well thank kee-rist for that. I thought I was going to order the wrong thing. I happen to know, you know, that tube doesn’t have an internal diameter!”
HIM (indignant): “Yes it does!”
ME (confused again): “What ever do you mean? Just because the inside is circular, it doesn’t mean it has an ID. You know that as well as I do!”
HIM (smartarse): “Ah, that was just a trick to make sure you REALLY knew what you were on about. Well done Sir, I see you know your tubes from your pipes eh? No fooling you sir! May I ask, what did Sir wish to use these Hollow Metal Cylinders for?”
ME (back on my own territory, and confident): “Oh well, I want to make some ferrules, but I guess you don’t know what they are. Yuk, yuk, they have an ID AND an OD, you know! Bet you’ve never heard of that before!”
HIM (to someone in the background): “HEY BERT?! This bloke just wants some Ferrule Hollow Metal Cylinders in Brass. How much have we got?”
ME (indignant): “WHAT? You mean you have an actual product specifically for Ferrules??”
HIM (also indignant): “Well yes of course we do. You only had to ask for it, you know. Sheesh! Tsk tsk tsk!”
ME: (irate now): “Well how the hell would I know that you know what I want? And you're being John Cleese again!”
HIM (perfunctorily): “Well if you said what you mean, instead of playing these stupid games, we could all have a laugh. As it is I’ve had to prise the information out of you. Typical bloody customer. Think they know everything, when all they really know is what they want! Starve the crows, I'm sick of know-alls like you! And WE have to do all the brainwork. I’m thinking of resigning you know.”
ME (completely bamboozled, bemused and amused): “What, because I asked for a specific item, AND got the terminology correct? You're balmy mate!”
HIM (curtly): “That it then, SIR!? Anything else? Hollow Metal Squares with non 90° corners perhaps?”
ME (ineptly controlling laughter): “No, that WILL be all for today. Thank you for your excellent help! OH! WAIT! There is just one more thing. What is the diameter of the outside of these pipes”
HIM (knowingly): “Ah, I see you’re learning Sir! Well done! I thought for a moment there you were going to ask for the Outside Diameter, but we both that pipes don’t have one eh?! The diameter of the outside is of course 14.7mm give or a take 1/128 of an inch.”
ME (relieved): OH FANTASTIC, it’s just the tube I’m after!”
HIM (outraged): “I’m sorry, did you say ‘tube’?”
ME (backpeddling fast): “No, I profoundly apologise! I meant to say pipe”.
HIM (in the knowledge that he has won): “HA! TOO LATE! No way am I selling it to you now! I’d rather eat sandwiches for dinner than sell this t…….pi……hollow metal cylinder to you, YOU FOOL! Goodbye, and don’t call again!”
Beep…beep…beep…beep
Man, I’m glad I didn’t ask why it’s called a ferrule, when it’s made of brass.