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well,well." said Sally as she did the inconceivable and stepped through the rip and into the story she had been reading to her class.
"Err, hello," said Sally to the motley crew she'd grown to know and lov.., well endure.
Their surprise was evident as...
... they had absolutely no idea who she was.
"Don't stand there, luv," said Groans. "The deckhands'll be swabbing down soon and you'll get your feet wet. You'd be better off up on the poop. That's where visitors usually go."
"Hello, Mr Groans," said Sally. "I'm Sally." She held out her hand.
Groans reached forward as if to take Sally's offered handshake then swiftly cupped his own hand behind his ear. Smiling he said:
"What'd you say?"
Sally smiled at him and picked her way across to the poop deck. She was about to introduce herself to Roger (VC and Bar) when the purser shot past her. He saluted Roger (VC and Bar) and held out a large ledger book.
"Excuse me Captain," he said. "We have a problem with the stores!"
"Hello, I'm Sally," said Sally.
Roger (VC and Bar) glanced at her quickly and said "Hello Sally" in a perfunctory manner and then replied to the purser with: "What problem? What stores?"
("I say!" said Frontbottom to Sponcracker and Slartbast. "That was damned perfunctory! I mean to say! Damned perfunctory!" He was rather outraged by Roger's behaviour. "I'm rather outraged," he said. "By Roger's behaviour, I mean").
Meanwhile, the purser had opened up his ledger.
"It's the Max Factor Knacker Lacquer," he explained to the commander as a muffled chorus of "Adds A Lustre To Your Cluster" sounded from the main deck. "As you know, we always ship a fair quantity for every voyage."
"Yes indeed," said Roger (VC and Bar). "Good for morale to let the crew keep their tackle in lustrous and healthful nick."
"Yessir," said the purser, anxious to press on. "But we seem to have suddenly increased our consumption to very high levels."
"Excuse me," said Sally. "I said: I'm Sally!" She looked expectantly at Roger.
"Yes, I said hello," said Roger (VC and Bar). "Very high levels, eh? What do you think is going on?"
"Something strange," said the purser. "I reckon..."
Sally interrupted him: "I'm Sally!" she said. "Sally! The teacher who reads to the class! Don't you .....!"
...read?"
"Read?" replied Roger.
"Why no, mam. I can read maps, Groans reads the occasional braille document that makes its way through the rip in the space time continuum, Staines lusts over playboy magazines that do likewise, but other than that we don't have time to sit around and read for pleasure."
"Well do you know who I am ?" asked Sally
Roger wondered who this strange young woman was who was (he suddenly noticed) very well acquainted with the workings of his ship. He also noticed that she wasn't all that bad to look at either.
"I say," he said "aren't you...
The purser interrupted him:-
"About the Max Factor Knacker Lacquer! (muffled chorus from maindeck: "Adds A Lustre ... etc") If we don't do something about it, Captain, we'll have none left by Sunday!"
"WHAT!! NO MAX FACTOR KNACKER LACQUER!" Roger (VC and Bar) was aghast. "I'm aghast!"
"SHHH!" Keep your voice down!" urged the purser. "If the crew find out, we'll have a mutiny!"
"Excuse me!" said Sally. "I do think ..."
there is a gentleman in Perth who knows about this product. I suggest you click your heels together and close your eyes and say
"There's no place like...
...tomorrow. Which is what happens when you have a discontinuity in the space-time continuum. Alternatively, you can set your watch back a hundred years, which will land you in ..."
Tasmania, where the girls are relatively attractive.
...Mmmmm? ..... (yawn) ...... (stretch) ....... (fart!) .... "Wha...?"
"What day is it? ..... Monday? ... Strewth! Must have fallen asleep."
The Very Little Gravitas Indeed had sailed on, regardless of the fact that for five full days, her crew had been totally inactive, slumbering in their usual comatose manner, all over her various decks and companionways.
Now, however, they were fully awake. Much activity of a distinctly maritime nature was on the go. Decks were being swabbed, sails were being furled, sextants were being aimed at the sun, companions were being either avoided or trodden upon as people swarmed up and down the companionways. ("Sod this!" said a companion. "I'm sick of being trodden underfoot! I'm going to apply for a position as a deckhand." He did and was successful. Someone trod on his hand).
From the poop came a familiar voice:-
"D'ye hear there! This is the captain! All hands to the maindeck! Mr Bo'sun, sound general quarters!"
"Aye aye, sir!" cried the bo'sun, Chief Petty Officer Bastard. (His brother was the ship's cook, the origin of that old line: Question: "Who said the cook was a Bastard?" Answer: "Who said the bastard was a cook?")
Just as the crew were being chivied and harried into their serried ranks (Jeez! Chivied, harried and serried? This could lead to a mutiny!) there was a tremendous ripping noise.
Yes! It was the good old RITFOTU. Through it appeared a surging mob of emoticons. They were led by :D and :eek: and followed by ....
...the tall, balding (but oh so handsome) resident of the shore of the Silent Sea. He had stolen the mongrel's axe and was trying to eradicate as many of the emoticons as Silently possible.
As he plied his weapon he was heard to say...
:mad: :( :eek: :o :confused: :D ;) :p :cool: :rolleyes: :) He could only speak in emoticons because he was silent, see.
Such a welter of emoticons could only come from someone with a multiple personality disorder, which had been diagnosed by the ships cook, barrel-scrubber and trick cyclist during a late-night session on the....
computer that all self respecting 17th century man-o -war type vessels have on board. (baud?).
The disability they self diagnosed whilst surfing the net that fateful night was...
... probably the worst case of hackers that any of them had yet come across.
(Hackers, Dear Reader, is an appalling affliction - first diagnosed by that leading medical researcher, Professor Al Ozwinner of the Faculty of Clinical Crap Retailing, University of Stockport County and all points North. Its symptoms are far too ghastly to describe herein. Suffice it to say that if you're hackered, you're knackered!)
They were dreadfully shocked.
"We're dreadfully shocked!" they said. In unison.
They had fled to unison, a small lower-case town well away from any hackers-inflicted poor sods and ....
where upon they came across a wizened old man who listend to thier tale of unfortunate laquery nackery hackery. He responded by saying "There is a remedy for this ailment". The crew, Oohed! and Aahed! and listed to the words of the old sage. "Nacker and De-Laquer, then Re-Nacker and Laquer, Three coats no more no less and your hackered, laquered nackers will be of the finest set of laquered clackers in the land". And so the proceedure was started and was progressing just fine until...........
savage(Eric):eek: .
the bottom fell out of the used knacker market forcing the number one retailer of such products to call it a day and return to an honest trade.
Meanwhile, on board the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed...
the ships mad scientist was developing Synthetic, Laquerless, Anti-hackable Knackers, and he called them S.L.A.K.er's......Quote:
Originally Posted by Caliban
savage(Eric)