-
Chocolate le Clair burst into the cabin!
Roger (VC and Bar) was affronted by this unconscionable display of lese-majestie. To no-one's great surprise (certainly not to that of the regular readers of this saga) he felt it was necessary to mention his feelings:
"I am affronted by this unconscionable display of lese-majestie!" quoth he.
Nemo waggled his flippers and quacked in apparent agreement with the vessel's commander.
Chocolate, however, was in a state of severe discombobulation.
"Ah am," he said, "In a stett erv seveere deescombubble .... dees compateeble .... deescomforrtabubble ....Ahem!" He gathered himself together in a display of Gallic dignity. "Ah have to say," he said. "Zat ah am deestressed and oopset. Oui, zat ees eet. Deestressed and oopset because of zeese slanderous attacks oopun mah repootation! Ah deemarnd a grovelleeng apology!"
"Perhaps," said Roger (VC and Bar). "Before I have you clapped in irons, sent to the brig and/or keel-hauled, it might be sensible of you to explain why you have burst into my cabin and demanded an apology!"
"Eet ees because," said Chocolate. "Because someone has carst aspersions oopun ma personne by imlyeeng zat Ah hev attempted rude and unnatural acts on zat Farty personne. Zees ees not true! Ah deeny eet absolutelee!"
"Well," said Roger (VC and Bar), "In that case ...."
-
...it's high time you were initiated properly as a member of this crew." Whereupon Roger, Nemo and Staines put the gaffer tape to good use as they...
-
... wrapped a goodly portion of it around his mouth.
"There," said Staines "that puts paid to his whinging. Why do these Continental bathplugs always whine so much?"
"Beats me," replied Roger (VC and Bar) who was busy turning the corner of the tape over so it would be easy to peel off another strip if any frantic frogs should fly off the handle again in the near future.
"Don't mind if I do," exclaimed Staines, as he picked up the belaying pin that was laying about untidily on the deck. He raised the belaying pin above his head and with a menacing grimace ...
-
... received a judiciously aimed and violent peck on the knee from Nemo (so that's where he got his name!).
Staines was astonished.
"I'm ast....."
-
...ouch" quoth Staines as Nemo pecked him again (in a place that could see him(Nemo) renamed Peno.
Roger, quite unaware of his close call, looked up and muttered...
-
"You are not a stouch, Staines! You are a seaman. Sometimes I think you're not a particularly good seaman. However, now is not the time to conduct a performance appraisal. Now, kindly escort Le Clair back to the poop deck and do so in a seaman-like manner. That will be all."
Staines, muttering (in a seaman-like manner) beneath his breath, grasped Chocolate by the elbow and led him back up the companionway.
Meanwhile, back in the captain's cabin, something most unusual took place:
Nemo, making himself comfortable on the edge of Rogers' bunk, said:-
"Well, young Roger (VC and Bar), the deception's working! No-one knows that I can speak, despite my penguinness."
However, he was wrong, for Hieronymous Hamster, perched as he was on the taffrail immediately above Roger (VC and Bar)'s cabin, had picked up every word.
He promptly ...
-
fell overboard in shock. This loss of an old faithful crewmember? would have been bad enough but all his hamster mates, suffering from a collective identity crisis, thought they were lemmings and every last one of them jumped overboard.
Chocolate saw this and tried to raise the alarm, but his mouth was gaff taped shut, and the only person who heard him was Groans, and of course his reply was...
-
"I heard that! HAMSTERS OVERBOARD!"
-
whereupon the entire crew fell about laughing.
Occasional words could be discerned between guffaws, sayings such things as "He heard!" or "What'd 'e say?"
Meanwhile the hamsters were in dire straits, err, deep water, until...
-
... they realised that they were really in dire straits, or to be more accurate: Dyer Straits, the little known waterway that lies between the Isles of Langerhans and the Isles of Scillier (also known as the Isles of Absolutely Bloody Ridiculous).
The Dyer Straits are so configured the current flows in a manner that forces the water constantly to the surface. Consequently, it is nearly impossible to drown in these waters.
The hamsters, being very lightweight little organisms, were actually bobbing up and down on and above the surface alongside the Very Little Gravitas Indeed - and maintaining pace with the vessel as she shot the passage.
After a while, the crew became aware of this unusual spectacle and crowded the larboard rail, cheering the hamsters' progress:-
"Yee-hah!"
"Love your work!"
"Go, Hieronymus!"
and, of course:
"What'd 'e say?"
Roger (VC and Bar) was vastly entertained by this spectacle.
"I'm vastly entertained by this spectacle!" he said. "What an interesting and amusing sight! Hamsters bouncing along on the surface! Who'd have thought it?"
Hieronymus bounced up level with the quarterdeck, grabbed the rail and pulled himself aboard.
"I'm so glad you're amused, Lieutenant Commander," he said. "But it has clearly escaped your attention that we are reaching the end of Dyer Straits. When we do, all this positive buoyancy will disappear and my fellow hamsters will all drown! Might I suggest that you organise your crew so that, instead of crowding the rail gaping like morons (although, heaven knows that's what most of them are!) they set about catching my hamsters and bringing them back aboard? Hmmm?"
Roger (VC and Bar) was not a little put out. He said:-
-
THROW OUT SOME hAMSTER SIZE mAE wESTS, upon stating this, with his upper case impediment, he realised that being in Dyer Staits he should have said Dolly Dyers.
This statement ired Bob Dyer, after whom the straits where named as yet another late celebrity was introduced 'PICK A BOX' he bellowed...................
-
and Staines said'I'll have her' pointing at a very..........
-
a very good female impersonator of Graham Kennedy. Her name was...
-
-
"Come in" yelled Staines.
To no one's surprise a door opened and in walked...
