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"It were me first day with the hook, aargh!"
"Golly" said Roger, enthralled,"reminds me of me cabin boy days"
"How's that, matey, aargh?" replied the one legged, one handed, one eyed stranger.(who, Col old mate, had better not answer to "lucky", or won't be the only one groaning)
Sally ran her finger further down the page and read:-
"But soft! What light from yonder window breaks?"
Tarquin (who, although he didn't know it, was a distant relation of Leading Artificer Groans) misheard her. All that his aural receptors picked up were the words "wind" and "breaks". Easing one quadricep a carefully-calculated 15 millimetres from the hard plywood surface of his chair, he farted.
Pandemonium!
"PHWOAR!" said a group of his less restrained classmates (in unison). "Open the windows!'
"I say!" said Marmaduke. "Have a care!"
"Leave the room, Tarquin!" said Sally, standing up and pointing to the door of the classroom. She dropped her book.
This may have been the reason why an enormous wave struck the Very Little Gravitas Indeed fine on the starboard quarter, washing over the foc'sle and causing Abdul and his camel a few moments of further alarm (they had, after all, only just been confronted with the heart-stopping spectacle of the Mother Farcquar in full and horrible flight).
Abdul needn't have been too concerned. The VLGI was a superbly seaworthy vessel. She staggered under the weight of several hundred tonnes of salty water but, recovering splendidly, she shook herself and swung upright again.
As she did so, there was a tearing noise (not unlike Tarquin's classroom indiscretion) and something very odd materialised on the quarterdeck. It was ...
Farty Slartbast. Halfrit Sponcracker's erstwhile CRO (Chief Robotics Officer).
"Sponcracker!" exclaimed Slartblast. "Do I have to remind you yet again that lunch hour is from 12:00 to 12:45 and definitely not half a millenium. Which is approximately how long you've been away from your workstation!"
Trembling, Halfrit replied ......
"I've not been at lunch, but on a mission for paying customers, in fact old friends of yours Slartblast, the mice were not happy with proceedings on their latest little experiment here."
"Rubbish!" exploded Slartbast "The mice were only just yesterday telling me how happy they were with the job young was doing keeping this lot of ne'er do wells undercontrol.Now get back to work!"
With that, Halfrit would have wimperingly slithered across TRITFOTU except that he slipped on a smear of MFKL that had fallen out of the MF's coiffure.
He slammed into Slartbast and sent him sprawling straight into the previously mentioned seagull poo infected hook of the one eyed, one legged stranger, who exclaimed...
"Who is that fine looking wench?"
He was gazing in obvious admiration at the Mother Farcquar who, by the way, had decided she preferred Flash Dordogne's over-stretched lycra jumpsuit and was, horribly enough, wearing it.
Sponcracker took in this dire vision, looked back at the pirate and realised that he really was gazing lustfully at the Mother Farcquar. Sponcracker cleared his throat.
"Er - would you," he ventured. "Would you like an introduction?"
"Belay that, shipmate!" said the one-legged one. "Do I look like a member of polite society? I'm a buccaneer. I takes me women when I please!"
With that, he hauled himself over to the Mother Farcquar and, in an astonishing feat of strength and dexterity, threw her across his shoulder and made off with her!
The Mother Farcquar trembled, causing ripples throughout the jumpsuit (a particularly stomach-wrenching spectacle) and giggled in a high falsetto:
"Oh! You naughty person! Put me down!"
She ....
didn't really mean it though because Clarence had been neglecting her.
So off through the for'ard hatch went the unlikely couple, much to the visual relief of all (present and otherwise) :eek:
Just then who should enter through TRITFOTU than...
An officious looking twit wearing a white lab coat, carrying a clip board and trying, but not succeeding, to hide a distinct lack of chin.
In a nasally whiney voice he announced " My name is Cyril Pettifogger. I've been sent by the Universe OH&S department to determine whether or not this ship is dangerously overloaded. To that end it is my intention to take a roll call of all those alleged to be aboard this, ahem, vessel. Now, if you hear your name, please answer 'present'".
With that he began to read from his clipboard:
Roger, Captain. "present" replied Roger
Groans, artificer. "What'd he say?" asked Groans
Staines, Seaman. "present he replied as he battered Groans about the ears"
Frontbottom, Major. "present"
Le Clair, Chocolate. "oui"
Nemo, penguin. "quack"
Silver, Long John. "arrrgh"
Farcquar, Mother. "Alright Madam I'll just mark you down as being present"
Sponcracker, Halfrit. "present'
Slartbast, Farty. "present"
Hornblower, Fellatio. .....
Hornbblower, Fellatio ....
"I say" said Cyril, "it appears that we have no Hornblower."
"Has anybody seen Fellatio?"
To which the assembled crew replied.....
in unison, with full orchestration and four part harmony...
"WHAT'D 'E SAY?"
And they all fell about laughing.
Pettifogger was nonplussed. Roger (VC and Bar) looked at him and said, loudly:
"I'll bet you're nonplussed, aren't you?"
The crew fell about again, rolling around the deck, tears streaming down their faces. Even the hamsters along the taffrail were chuckling.
Pettifogger threw his pencil and clipboard down and stamped his foot. He was about to express himself when ...
through the RITFOTU came a motherly voice "Cyril, you pick up that pencil and go to your room. We'll have none of your tantrums, in this universe or the other. Now move young man!"
Cyril scurried away and the crew fell about again, saying...
"We wish he would have stayed around long enough to call out 'Bates, Master.' "
"WHAT'D THEY SAY?" said Groans.
But they all ignored him. Staines was the only member of the crew who hadn't worked out that LA Groans was (to paraphrase Crabtree) toking the pass. Groans wasn't as Mutt 'n Jeff as he pretended.
Meanwhile, Farty Slartbast and Halfrit Sponcracker were attempting to discuss Nemo Corporation business with Captain Nemo, their Chairman. Nemo, however, wasn't having any. He waddled about the poop deck in a distracted fashion, trying to avoid their earnest attempts to get him to read a bunch of documents that Starbast had brought with him.
Roger decided to intervene:
"D'you hear there," he announced through a loudhailer. "All penguins will report immediately to the wardroom."
"Alone!" he added as an afterthought - when he noticed Sponcracker and Slartbast pursuing Nemo as he shot down the companionway toward the officers' quarters.
The two techos gave up the chase.
"Bugger me...!" Slartbast started to say and stopped when he noticed Sponcracker frantically trying to shut him up. "Wha...?"
"On this ship that's not a phrase you want to use lightly - or at all," said Sponcracker, looking around anxiously.
All appeared to be well. No sign of Seaman Staines. What a relief!
Just as Sponcracker was leading Slartbast away, Fellatio Hornblower and Chocolate Le Clair ....
attempted to do as Slartbast had requested.
But before they could have their evil way with him, Roger's voice boomed over the PA system in a very godlike fashion
"NOAH" (oops, sorry wrong story.)
""Staines, my cabin, NOW!"
Staines, thinking all his Christmasses had finally co...(err, arrived) bowled both Hornblower and Le Clair over as he scurried to the Cabin where he was greeted with the sight of...
Roger, Nemo and a roll of gaffer tape.
"Aha, Staines, here at last I see" said Roger. Whereupon .....