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"I feel somewhat at a disadvantage with these simple technolimited devices, not a chargruncle in sight and no use of radio-unclear trapezolloids whatsoever and as for...."
But we are spared any more of his grievances because at that moment one of the casual companions who were scrubbing the deck, asked
"Where's the soap?"
the whingeing of the hapless Sponcracker was drowned out as the whole crew replied, in unison...
look theres Midge the trans siberian express must have pulled into the station.
and on that note ( a C flat) they all rushed to the port taffrail to welcome.........
(had to happen )
... but the welcome had to be postponed. The sudden shift in the vessel's equilibrium, consequent upon the crew rushing to one side, had the disastrous effect of throwing the Mother Farcquar out of her hammock, slung as it was between two especially strengthened mountings on the orlop deck.
There was a tremendous concussive thud, followed by a short pause and then a torrent of bad language.
The crew - appalled - turned as one and stared, open-mouthed in apprehension, at the midships companionway.
This proved to be a mistake because the Mother Farcquar chose to ascend to the maindeck via the forrard companionway. Unlike Abdul, she had no compunction about treading on casual companions. Her upward progress was marked by bone-crunching noises and muffled screaming. Nothing new for the Mother Farcquar, of course.
Abdul, who had never seen anything like the Mother Farcquar, fearfully clasped his camel around the neck for protection and ....
"PIRATES!!"
Came the cry from the crow's nest............
"Avast, ye scurvy lubbers!" cried the Mother Farcquar.
"What did she say?" said Groans.
"Belay that, ye pox-ridden cur!" quoth Staines, and ...
... changing conversational style in an instant, Staines complied with the orders of the new day. He swatted Groans about the head with a back and forth wristy action while intoning:-
"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!'
Groans had never heard of the Three Stooges (not surprising since Groans can't hear much at all) so he took strong exception to being swatted by Staines. He picked up a belaying pin and beaned Staines fair on the top of the scone.
Staines dropped like an empty sock.
Abdul's camel, skittering in fear away from the Mother Farcquar, trod on Staines and fell. In doing so, he brought down ...
a bluderbuss and cutlass ready to repel boarders but then as quick as they appeared the pirates disappeared when the clock struck midnight and was promptly arrested for assault and battery(battery clock yer honour) midnight whinnied in delight and headed for a free feed at Ians place just a short trot through the RITFOTU. As he disappeared Staines remarked to no one in particular.......
is that Lawrence of Arabia I see opn the horizon in search of the fiendish Abdul.
Staines also considered how many other innocent bystanders could be dragged into this farce.......................
...when he was surprised by the sight of Danni Minogue (obviously after any sort of media exposure) chasing after Peter O 'Toole in his not so famous role as Laurence.
Danni said...
Cor, guvner, butter me on both sides.
but artificer Groans being deaf thought she'd said...
Would ya like to bonk me and the sister, together........
where upon staines woke up with a strange feeling on his stomach and said to a perfect stranger passing by 'hey Ozwinner me old china can ya spare a zac for.......
Turning the page, Sally continued reading:
"I remember him as if it were yesterday, as he came
plodding to the inn door, his sea-chest following
behind him in a hand-barrow--a tall, strong, heavy,
nut-brown man, his tarry pigtail falling over the
shoulder of his soiled blue coat, his hands ragged and
scarred, with black, broken nails, and the sabre cut
across one cheek, a dirty, livid white. I remember him
looking round the cover and whistling to himself as he
did so, and then breaking out in that old sea-song that
he sang so often afterwards:
"Fifteen men on the dead man's chest--
Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"
in the high, old tottering voice that seemed to have
been tuned and broken at the capstan bars. Then he
rapped on the door with a bit of stick like a handspike
that he carried, and when my father appeared, called
roughly for a glass of rum. This, when it was brought
to him, he drank slowly, like a connoisseur, lingering
on the taste and still looking about him at the cliffs
and up at our signboard.
"This is a handy cove," says he at length; "and a
pleasant sittyated grog-shop. Much company, mate?"
Roger of course replied ......
"How did you lose your leg?"
He replied: "Well, cully, 'twere like this: I fell overboard in shark-infested seas and before me shipmates could haul me back aboard, one of them big fish had chewed away me leg, Aarrgh!'
Roger said: "Golly! And why is it that you have a hook instead of a hand?"
"Well, me hearty, 'twere like this: we was in a terrible sea-battle with them Navy scoundrels and when we was boarded, one of 'em clewed away me hand with his cutlass. That old drunken sawbones we had couldn't do much for me so I had the shipyard fix me a hook when we was next in port. Aarrgh!"
"And so," said Roger. "why do you wear a patch over one eye?"
"Well, young 'un, twere like this: I was conning the ship and - as I looked up to see the luff of the main t'gallants - a damn' seagull crapped right into my eye. Aarrgh!"
"But surely!" protested Roger. "Surely a little bit of seagull poop couldn't do that much damage to your eye?"
"Well, shipmate, 'twere like this:" he said. "It was me first day with the hook ....."