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Frontbottom had no idea what they were talking about, of course, because he was a pom.
"I say," he said. "What are they talking about?"
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
Sponcracker lost his patience at this point.
"I've lost my patience!" he said. "Now we've got two of them! Where will it all end?"
As the words were leaving his lips, there was an awful tearing, ripping, rending sort of noise.....
Yes, of course it was the rip opening once again.
The crew, that is to say, Roger, Staines, Groans, Frontbottom and Sponcracker suddenly found themselves transported, sans ship, onto a rapidly moving train, which seemed to be travelling through the frozen tundra of Siberia.
"I say" said Frontbottom "now where are we?"
An old spinster type lady looked up from rummaging in her carpet bag and said...
Al's cabin is the second on the left...........
so brick it up and.................
The group hadn't gone far down the corridor, with a distinct bricklaying gleam in their collective eyes (where the hell is the Collective, anyway? Haven't heard from those knicker-wearing dancing weirdoes for a while).
Suddenly an axe fell and the crew found themselves off the Trans-Siberian Express and back aboard the Very Little Gravitas Indeed. They left no sign of their presence aboard the train except for a lingering argument about pronunciation .....
...and an uncommon amount of clock watching from those who should be capable of better, that is those who should be doing good turns (every day).
It came as no surprise to the Driver of the train that the ship suddenly disappeared from his field of view and materialised back in this thread where it belongs(safe from the clutches of the evil axe weilding giant).
Suddenly, Heave-Ho(that incredibly goodlooking crewman) called from the crows nest above
"We've Clingons on the starboard bow, cap'n!"
Captain Beaut and Captain Nemo both jumped at the mention of their rank and said simultaineously, (not collectively, I should add)
"wouldn't you know it, just when you thought it was safe to...
go for a holiday on a train and.............
just then Miss Marples walked around the corner. She had obviously mistaken the Rip in the fabric of the universe for the door to the ladie's loo.
"What are you all doing in the Ladies?" she enquired.
Such was the variety, peculiarity and specificity of the answers to her question that she took a step backwards, straight through the Rip and back aboard the Trans-Siberian Express.
"How is it that people occasionally appear round a corner on this vessel when it has no corners?" said Frontbottom.
-----oOo------
"Yes, miss," said Tarquin. "I was going to ask about that!"
"Well.....," said Sally. But as she was about to reply, ffortescue (with two small effs) leapt to his feet and twassocked Tarquin about the ears with a rolled-up copy of The Lancet (his father was a neuro-surgeon). He was deeply underwhelmed by Tarquin. To no-one's particular surprise, he said:-
"I'm deeply underwhelmed by Tarquin. This corner business has come up on previous occasions and been adequately dealt with. It's literary licence, you half-wit. Incidentally," he went on. "Has anyone noticed that Sponcracker's first name: Halfrit - is very close to half-wit? Could this be at all significant, d'you think?"
The words had scarcely left his lips when the classroom door yawned open and Sponcracker walked in. Pressing a large red button on his remote control, he caused ffortescue (with two small effs) to freeze.
Consternation! Did this mean that ffortescue (with two small effs) was a droid or :eek: did it mean that Halfrit Sponcracker had devised a means of controlling humans as well as droids?
Well......
...might we say "God save the Queen, cause nothing will save the gov...
go...
goddamned mongrels who keep using the craporium as a toilet" said Alfonso who had suddenly appeared around that non existant corner in an attempt to enlist the aid of Sponcracker in his(Alfonso's) quest for...
.. a perfect mortice and tenon ...
which didn't involve some creative use of the drill press to form four perfectly rounded dowels, sorry, rounded tenons.
Anyway, back to the story. Of course Hafrit hadn't found a way to controll humans. This of course could only mean that Sally and the entire class were cunning automatons.
"Well I'll be buggered" said Roger....
Everyone looked at Staines.
"No way!" said Staines. "He's our commanding officer these days! You won't trap me like that. D'you know what the penalty would be?"
"What is he talking about?" said Frontbottom - all unaware of the history of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"Now," said Sponcracker. "I've warned you two about this on a previous occasion and ..."
...now you're going to get a spanking.
Suddenly the ship was over run with nuns all wanting to be spanked as well.And after the spankings comes the ...
.... the venerable Miss Marples who once again has wandered through the rip and left the train far behind.................