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SBSP is not coming back so get them off, "get what off' they replied innocently, 'Your Trunes that have been referred to'.
What is a Trune?
Wait for the next exciting episode on a PC near you..............
(with apologies to Graig who left himself wide open for this one) :D
"Isn't a Trune played on a wind instrument by someone with a hair lip?" asked Staines.
Sally closed the book, laid it on her lap and said:
"Well! Does anyone have any comment to make on that very odd chapter?"
Tarquin, twitching, blinking and looking nervously over his shoulder at Algernon, said:
"Well I'm glad itth o- o-o-o-(blartht!) o-over! There'th no juthtithe in a thtorwy that l-l-l-l-l-l (bother!) l-leaveth poor Fwontbottom all alone and lonely wivout hith friend Fellatio!"
Sally gave Tarquin a searching and puzzled glance, opened the book and said:
"Perhaps we had better move on." She proceeded to read:-
Chapter Five
With a rending sound, the Rip opened. Roger, Staines, Groans, Frontbottom et al found themselves materialising in a courtroom. In the dock was a forlorn and anxious penguin.
In the public gallery were Halfrit Sponcracker and half a dozen droids. On the bench sat the judges (three of them) and in the main well of the court were two tables. At one of them sat the prosecution counsel. The other table was unoccupied. Sponcracker whispered to Roger:
"That's the defence counsel's place - the empty table."
Roger looked carefully at the judges and the prosecuting counsel. Some aspects of their appearance were very similar to what he would expect in a courtroom: they wore wigs and gowns, for example. However, some aspects were very odd.
The wigs were not the grey perukes worn by most of the legal eagles Roger had previously seen. The central of the three judges had on his head a creation that would not have looked out of place in a re-enactment of one of Elton John's Marie Antoinette spectaculars.
The prosecution counsel's gown was interesting. It was a blue ballgown with a plunging neckline. Mind you, the prosecution counsel was an absolutely stunning blonde chick with the sort of body that looks bloody good in a ballgown with a plunging neckline.
"We-e-e-ll," said Roger (QC and jar). "Here we ...."
"ORDER!, ORDER!" screamed one of the judges.
"Who said you could speak! Bloody uphill gardener!"
Roger noticed that the judge was a familiar yellow colour and when he stood had square pants. This wasn't looking good for Staines who also recognised SBSP.
"OK you load of pansies are charged with unlawfully throwing a judge from a boat into the sea, how do you plead!?"
The centrally-located judge looked at his apparently hysterical colleague and said:-
"Calm down! We'll deal with one case at a time. Right now, we are here to try Glorsprang Nemo on a charge of sedentary. Clerk, is the defence counsel present?"
"Yes m'lud," said a short nun sitting in front of the bench. "he has just arrived."
"Proceed," said the judge.
The diminutive little sister hopped down from her seat and addressed the penguin in the dock:
"Please state clearly your name, address and occupation."
The penguin shuffled from one webbed foot to the other, shrugged what passed for his shoulders and waved his little flippers about in a frustrated manner.
Roger (Qc and jar), now attired in a flowing wizard-like robe and a very dodgy-looking hairpiece that he had borrowed from Sponcracker, rose to his feet, grasped his lapels and addressed the bench:-
"M'luds," quoth he. "As your judicial personages can see, the defendant is a penguin and has no capacity to speak. He (or, for all I know, she) cannot therefore satisfy the court as to the question of his or her identity. That being manifestly the case, I submit to you that this trial is over before it can start because none of us can know whether or not this unfortunate Antarctic avian is, in fact, Glorsprang Nemo, President of Nemo Corporation."
"Good start!" said Sponcracker - under his breath.
"What'd 'e say?' said Groans.
"Silence in court!" said the lead judge. "Defence counsel makes an interesting point. What say you, Miss Honeybuttocks?"
The prosecution counsel rose seductively to her delightful full height.
"M'Lud," she purred. "Whilst aboard the vessel Very Little Veritas Indeed, this penguin was heard to speak." She consulted her notes. "He said, and I quote: 'Stains, If you should die, you be an ex, then when we replay your last utterance ...etc' Leaving aside the mis-spelling and grammatical errors, M'Lud, it seems clear that he is able to speak."
Roger sprang to his feet: "M'Lud, it is not at all clear! I was present at the time of this alleged speech and I recall thinking that the speech in question sounded as if it was pronounced with a distinct French accent! Nemo has no discernible accent."
"French, eh?" said the judge. "How can this be?"
"Moo ay hoolp?" said Crabtree. "Es meest poople knew, ay spook Fronch particuloorly will!"
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"You should all be sent to jail for life and the key thrown away for talking complete crap and allowing very long self gratifying posts to be made in this thread!" screamed SBSP who had completely lost the plot.
"Bailiff, arrest that french twat and throw him down a well!" yelled SBSP.
The bailiff did as he was asked and a faint splash was heard as crabtree hit the bottom of the well.
The other judges unexpectedly applauded their colleague and called for the case against Staines to begin...
and meanwhile two new members were shanghied named Driver and Hovo which gave much delight to the other crew members because.................
...they were among the few remaining original authors (not characters dear readers, although they do have stage names that any who have been following from the start will be aware) who actually cared that crabtree had been thrown into a well to drown by a yellow latex wearing judge-there's a whole thread beckoning there.
Anyway, the case against Staines was not looking good for the prosecution as Staines, due to recent developments was looking rather faded and there was ipso facto no prima facie evidence against him (and any other legal jargon you can think of but not understand.)
So..
Suddenly awakening from a rather lurid daydream involving a latex cartoon character, the lead judge was wondering quite what his chambers assistant had put in his tea this morning.
Gathering his thoughts, he turned to look at his two fellow judges, more to re-assure himself that they weren't cartoon characters than any other reason.
Satisfied, he turned to the prosecutor and said.
"Please excuse me, could you repeat what you just said?"
"Silly old duffer" muttered Honeybuttocks under her breath.
"What was that?" barked the judge "speak up if you please"
"I said M'lud" continued Honeybuttocks ....
...M'lud it seems that we have no jurisdiction in this matter, else it would set a precedent for us to have to deal with creatures in their own parrallel universes, going about their business, apparently unaware that what to them is perfectly acceptable and legal is to us both abhorrent and illegal.
The judge was confused and annoyed by the tone in her voice, but he did notice that she had this strange effect on the fit of his square pants.
"I'm confused" he said, "please explain"
"M'lud it's simple, we cannot afford the legal costs involved in venturing outside our own dimension. Dismiss the case."
The judge, for all his gruff exterior, was happily married to Honeybuttocks(as was the custom in their particular dimension, and quite legal) and knew that She must always be obeyed, especially if he wanted to play dress ups that night and he had a strange hankering to wear latex that night.
"Case dismissed, Nemo or whoever you are, you are free to leave, but do not step flipper in my side of the rip again or, or, or.....
... Aurora Australis, M'Lud?" said Roger (QC & jar).
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans, as they all passed back through the Rip.
They arrived on the poop deck just in time to hear a very ominous noise. It was the sort of ominous noise that accompanies a sh ....
..she devil known as the Mother Farquar discovering that the clogdancers have once more stolen her new, lace split crotch knickers.
Everyone, including Roger(VC and Bar) cringed as she...
... clumped sternwards.
They cringed but were undoubtedly relieved. Even Staines, not, as readers will be well aware, the most sensitive mariner aboard the Very Little Gravitas Indeed, was moved to say:
"Fank Gawd for that! Normal service 'as been resumed. Even Her Bloody Ladyship is back to normal."
The Mother Farcquar twassocked him briefly about the ears as she headed towards the Hole In The Drawers Collective, who were huddled abaft the binnacle, quivering to their clogstraps (do clogs have straps?).
Roger (Vc and Bar) gathered himself together and ...
adjusting his codpiece ....
... strode manfully into the path of the Mother Farcquar. Holding up his right arm in a "hold it right there"- type gesture, he said:-
"Madam, before you commence any sort of physical assault on these apprehensive terpsichoreans, I must inform you, in my capacity as commander of this vessel..."
He got no further. One imperious sweep of her enormous forearm propelled Roger (VC and Bar) clear across the poop deck.
"Bugger off, sonny!" said the gargantuan harridan (who, incidentally, was still attired repulsively in Flash Dordogne's lycra jumpsuit. "They've nicked me knickers, pinched me pantaloons and half-inched me (h)undies. They will ..."