Bob,Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
Perhaps a visit to those mens sheds where you have have had so much input ,a chance to spend some time away from home for a few hours.
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Bob,Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
Perhaps a visit to those mens sheds where you have have had so much input ,a chance to spend some time away from home for a few hours.
Thanks John, I may yet do that.Quote:
Originally Posted by John Saxton
I'm already spending quite a bit of time away from home - the problem is going back to an empty house - if I didn't have the dogs I don't know what I'd do..
A couple of times a week I visit my son and his family and play with the grandies - they are about 25 minutes away
The dogs get an hour walk by the Swan river every morning
I'm in a once a week walking group with some old school mates that walks 5-7km through interesting parts of Perth/Fremantle and surrounds and stop off for coffee along the path. I really look forward to this.
I go to morning teas/lunches at my sisters places a couple of times a week - that's also where I catch up with my 94 year old demented mum who gets to come out of care for a few hours.
The neighbours are fantastic - invites to breakfast, coffee and have provided loads if food.
Several Ex-work colleagues are always up for brunch/coffee/chat.
The one thing that has really started to gnaw at me in the last few days is memories of multiple missed opportunities. The most common of these were the numerous social events we would go to involving her family/friends that I did not want to attend. I would grumble a bit and go a long but then when we arrived I would ignore Amanda the whole time we were there and talk to other people instead. What I did not realize until much later (like the last few months) that often Amanda did not want to go either but felt obliged to go, but I still blamed her and treated her badly. Gee's I now feel like a total prick. I'm constantly amazed that she put up with me. Mind you, she had her moments.
The cleanup of MILs and Grandmas stuff continues, 4 more boxes are going to Vinnies this morning. Amanda's Jewellery has been left to my granddaughter but I invited the nieces and great nieces over to select from Amandas bags/scarves/and some jewellery but they only took a few things. I guessed that granny type stuff is not really that appealing to teenagers?
Thanks Bob, for "bearing your soul" to us with your comments. I would imagine it would be very hard for you to tell us some things. You have hi lighted a few things I may have done to my wife at times [I must remedy the situation]
I hope you will have a good Christmas without your "Better Half"
I thought I might feel a bit better after finding out the good news about how how I no longer have Sarcoidosis but it's swamped by SWMNLBO passing.
This weeks grief has been a transition between deep "guilt" (see post #82) and the start of "bargaining", which are apparently stages 3 and 4 (out of 7) in the grieving process.
I didnt know about these stages until I looked it up yesterday
I did try alcohol but I didn't go any further than a mouthful as it makes me nauseated.Quote:
3. GUILT & PAIN
As a person begins to feel the full realization of someone’s death, their numbness leads the way to extreme emotional pain and suffering. Guilt often accompanies this pain. A person may feel survivor’s guilt or a constant sense of “what might have been.” They may feel remorse over missed opportunities or things they did or didn’t do with their loved ones before their passing. It’s important to experience the full depth of pain when going through grief. Masking this stage with alcohol or drugs only makes things worse in the long run.
Next apparently comes "anger", but no signs of it yet.Quote:
4. BARGAINING
The negotiation phase occurs when a grieving person needs an emotional release from the shock and pain of loss. This phase involves wrestling with fate or “the powers that be” to try and make sense of loss. Of course, there is nothing one can do to bring someone back from the dead.
The hardest thing is going back to the house alone.
Yesterday I decided to venture further into the attic. My god there's so much stuff up there. A number of MILs appliances have been squirreled in amongst old camping gear and baby clothes. A box full of 40 year old cloth nappies (??) The good thing is this stuff will take my mind off dealing with Amanda personal stuff. I know Amanda wanted to dispose of a lot of this old stuff but didnt have the mental strength to deal with it. Well, next week there going to be a shirt of of stuff going onto gum tree.
Yesterday would have been our 44th Wedding anniversary and it was a pretty grim day.. In the past I was not that big on anniversaries or birthdays etc but SWMNLBO was and then seemed to accept there was not a big deal for me so she toned down her expectations. There were several occasions in the mid 1990s where days would go by before we'd remembered we'd clocked up another year. Of course I now feel super guilty about all those missed anniversaries. About a decade ago I did put an anniversary reminder date in my phone calendar so was always able to at least say something and we then usually went out for breakfast on the day.
The day before I posted about the anniversary on the family chat group and emailed Amandas bridesmaids. I got some very supportive/kind responses but in some ways remembering the good times only made it worse. Am choking up even just writing about it here. This anniversary I will now never forget.
To compound matters my left knee is giving me gip and I can't carry any more than a couple of kgs or even walk too far. The dogs only get a 15 minute walk and then I sit on park bench and throw the ball for them for a bit. This has also seriously slowed down the house decluttering. Yesterday I mowed the pocket handkerchief back lawn and then had to spend the rest of the laying down which did help matters much.
I'm coming round to accepting that the house being left so cluttered is more of a good thing than not. Besides giving me something useful to do, it sounds like the OP shops are doing well out of it. The main op shop I take stuff to reckons that so far they've made a couple of hundred bucks out of just the bric-a-brac as being of reasonable quality it's selling like hot cakes. On Friday I took 12 of our 14 camping/folding camping chairs to Good Sammys. They reckon the can get $5 for the cheap ones and $10 for the fancier ones so there's at least a $100 in these for them. I've put a few larger camping things things on Gum tree but nothing much is moving with those and if they don't go by mid jan I'll take then to the op shops as well.
Hang in there Bob!
Just keep plodding along and keep a smile on your dial. The sun will shine again.
Pete.
Oh Bob, what a terrible shock. I've not looked at the forum for a while, until this morning.
My condolences on such a profoundly felt loss.
hey bob.
just checking in that you're still going ok
Thanks for asking.
Unfortunately nope, my life has turned to $hyte and had no idea it could get this bad.
I thought I was doing more or less OK up until I found and read my Wife's (Amanda) metal health diary of the 23 Dec
Amanda had PTSD and I can now feel all her stress loading up on me
I am angry as heck with
- the mistreatment of my Amanda's metal health by medical professionals for 46 years
- the way a few members of her family and some of her so called friends treated Amanda
I feel as guilt as heck with myself for not picking much of this up and not doing more about it
I feel I have little purpose for living - I feel like i'm living in a dim twilight, and the lights are about to get even dimmer
Can't do any shed work, read books, or even watch TV for more than a few minutes.
Any music I listened to before Amanda's death is tainted so and am constant seeking out new music to listen to but the lyrics have to be undecipherable otherwise I find meaning that may not even be there.
Household chores are done minimally and on zombie mode.
I forced myself to help my son start to assemble some IKEA stuff this morning and lasted about 20 minutes before breaking down and going home.
I have really wonderful family and friends to talk to and do so often.
Am going to an average of at least one social contact each day sometimes 2 or 3, but am really worried about pissing people off.
While I'm out I'm usually OK but going home just fires me up again
Have approached a grief counsellor but fear its way deeper and darker than that this so have obtained contacts for professional help that I will look into next week.
The only thing keeping me afloat is writing a memoir of Amanda and am up to 66 thousand words. Funny how I can edit this but can't read a book.
Bob,
I’m lost for words,
But I’m thinking of you,please keep posting here especially when you think were not interested or over it,
You are Big part of this forum, and time no matter how long it takes will help heal you.
Take Care Matt.
Thanks Matt,
This has all been big eyeopener for me - its like my self identity has been destroyed.
I used to consider my self strong, resilient, driven, confident, creative, innovative etc but these have all turned to water in the last 10 weeks.
A month or so back it took me 9 days to fix a simple power switch on a fan that I had fixed before.
I'd pick up a screwdriver and then put it down again several days in a row before I opened up th switch - then it lay open for several days, couldn't think about what to do
I doubt I would even pick to the screwdriver today.
I cannot even think of starting any sort of project.
My son has asked me to cut up some pieces of wood for him but nothing has come of it yet.
A mate asked me if I had a couple of short pieces of SHS steel but I pretended like I'd had a look and told him nope.
Bob,Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
It may have taken Nine days too fix something you probably would have done in your sleep, but you did do it, time is now not important, but pushing forward every day is, even just posting hear is helping you, we all miss your long threads about those things that really Suck in our workshops[emoji6].
Cheers Matt.
I wouldn't combine the two different resources at the same time, I don't think. Perhaps start with a few sessions of grief counselling as a good basis and then go into some psychology sessions – and be aware that it can be a long road. Perhaps you may find a professional who does both (so a qualified psychologist who specialises in grief therapy). I wouldn't think a psychiatrist is appropriate, as they treat illness, and usually with a script pad.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
I'd also be inclined to stay away from anti-depressants – for me they just distance the problem – I feel detached, but it doesn't go away. My considered opinion of them, having tried ~15 different ones over the years, is that they can help people who have a chemical imbalance (endogenous depression), but are useless for people who have reactive depression (like me).
If you are finding writing about Amanda somewhat therapeutic, then maybe consider writing a family history. My father wrote one of his side, and it's a wonderful resource to have, and I refer to it regularly. A deep dive into where you all came from, pics of Marble Bar etc.
Bob you are not alone. We may be some distance away, but we are hearing your pain and shouldering the burden. Its a hard road but you will come through this.
Thanks for teh kind comments
RE; Mental Health Meds.
I've seen what these did to my wife - they basically contributed to her death - so won't be going there.
I also won't be going anywhere near my wife's family history as several members contributed significantly to Amanda's mental Health Issues.
One of my brothers and sisters have sort of already written a history of our family, while it's a fascinating story I dont feel there's much more to explore there, well not for me anyway.
I'll just have to hang in there and hope I can ride it out.
This morning I took the dogs for a walk with one of my neighbours and her daughter. We walked down to the Swan river foreshore where the neighbours dad was sitting on a park bench waiting for us with coffees. Then we walked back to the neighbours place and had breakfast. Really nice and empathetic people - so luck to have these people so close to me.
I
Bob, writing that memoir may well be the best thing you can do for yourself. Something similar helped me after losing my wife over 20 years ago.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
The background to this originated during my Army service. One person in my chain of command took it upon himself to try to destroy my career and make life as difficult as he could for all of my young family. The strain that put on my wife's mental health, I believe, was a major contributor to her untimely death at the age of 43. I felt a deep sense of guilt for not being able to prevent her being dragged into the petty personal vendetta that was being conducted against me and was using my wife and children as pawns in his game. I also felt a lot of guilt for not fully understanding what was happening to her, mainly because I had my hands full dealing with how it was impacting upon me.
A couple of years ago, the Royal Commission into Veterans Suicide commenced and was seeking submissions from serving and former service personnel about treatment they had expereinced that may have led to suicide or suicidal ideation. I wrote up and submitted the whole story of how my family was impacted, including how it linked directly to my wife's untimely death. She did not directly take her own life but suffered a heart attack due to an eating disorder and alcohol abuse syndrom derived from the person in my chain of command abusing his powers and the ongoing affects this had on our lives.
Bob, you merntioned that your wife was suffering PTSD for many years. Mental health is something that was not openly spoken of until very recently and is still largely misunderstood. Don't blame yourself for that. You did as much as you could, I am sure.
The point I am trying to make here is that by sitting down and analysing the series of events over the 12 year period from when this person started abusing my family and the flow on effect up to the passing of my wife, as well as the subsequent ongoing suffering this caused for me and my children allowed me to gain a better understanding of how it all went down and just how it was impossible for me to have made any real difference in the outcome.
Writing that submission to the Royal Commission has allowed me to let go of a lot of guilty feelings that I had been carrying for far too long on behalf of someone else. I hope that you continue writing your memoir of Amanda's life and that it will allow you to focus on how events transpired and give you some release too. A lot of the things you are blaming yourself for would most likely have been beyond your control and not your fault.
Thanks Doug, most enlightening and instructive and very sorry to hear of your circumstances.
Well, yes and no.Quote:
Originally Posted by doug3030
Amanda suffered PTSD from events from her early childhood from what at first seem like almost trivial events, but depending on the person they can all add up. Of course I could do nothing about these at the time they happened but I should have recognised these later when she told me about them rather that dismissing them as unimportant.
Then Amanda suffered from repeated attempts at coercive control and misunderstandings from her family all through our married life up until about the last 10 years when we increasingly distanced ourselves from her family. Early on I did go into bat hard for Amanda against her family but that probably made things worse and I also started to avoid them like the plague (ie like finding excuses not to go to her family events - her family - her problem). Amanda felt like she could not avoid them so dutifully turned up every time they asked. These events all turned out to make things worse and also admit I was being selfish about it the whole time - Just wanted to avoid all the agro - what I did not understand was how serious this would all become later to Amanda's health.
Then Amanda suffered a series of bullying incidents over about 4 years at work which the higher ups did ZERO about - I urged her to leave but she felt like she had to stay to support her staff etc so she braved it out. This was rated by Amanda as her #1 trigger. Again I was selfish - all I wanted was peace and a quite life so let her ride it out but had no idea how serious this was impacting on Amanda. I should have pushed harder for her to leave. All the while Amanda was simply being prescribed heavier and heavier does of meds!
Then came a complex horse rescue event in the middle of a bush fire.
Finally her so called best friends let her down on what again might be seen as something trivial but it was enough to tip her over the edge.
I have to also admit my behaviour at times also caused Amanda some stress so I'm also not squeaky clean on this matter either.
I have basically done this in the memoir.Quote:
The point I am trying to make here is that by sitting down and analysing the series of events over the 12 year period from when this person started abusing my family and the flow on effect up to the passing of my wife, as well as the subsequent ongoing suffering this caused for me and my children allowed me to gain a better understanding of how it all went down and just how it was impossible for me to have made any real difference in the outcome.
Fact is I could have done more, much more. Hence MEGA guilt has hit me hard.
Also these stresses are now starting to load up on me.
I have written the memoir (112 pages so far) mainly while I can remember many of the good and not so good things that happened. It's the only thing I seem to have a purpose for at the moment so it brings me some temporary relief while I write it even though it also contains large sections on how badly Amanda was treated during her life.
When I stop writing I just seem to pick up the mood I was n when I started writing.
Just an update.
I am so desperate I've started to do some meditation (I'm not very good at doing it as my mind is a can of mushy worms) and it's helping a bit.
Am also started the process of getting professional help.
That’s fantastic news Bob just stick at it.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
Cheers Matt.
I understand BobQuote:
Originally Posted by BobL
The way mental health is delivered by so-called professionals in this country is pathetic
And the way people in general treat those with ailments like PTSD is equally pathetic
We need to lift our game in terms of how we help those with mental health issues
Society needs to be more compassionate and understanding
Saddened to see your pain Bob
Really hope your rise above your despair and love life again
Take good care
Log Dog :)
Thanks again for all the supportive comments.
Today we moved Amanda's horse (Jeffrey) from the flash Equestrian Stables in Henley Brook to (less flash and expensive) retirement Paddocks in Gidgegannup. Jeffrey is now in a large shaded Paddock with 6 other horses including an old buddy from the Henley bBook Stables who really likes Jeffrey. I met the woman that runs the retirement paddocks side of the property and was really impressed with her horse empathy and I'm sure Amanda would have been fine with her.
Lots of bitter sweet memories including the time and passion Amanda had for Horses flashed through my brain. Amanda and I had previously discussed such as solution for Jeffrey as Amanda was no longer able to ride. Despite this it was another hard thing that had to be done.
Bob
Such memories can be wonderful: They can be painful: Or they can be both. I hope you get to the stage where you can be accepting all of those emotions without troubling you unduly. I think that for many people it is a long path, but it should be the goal. A comparable situation (but not the wife: She is alive and kicking ) has taken me twenty five years. This is mainly because I ignored it rather than dealing with it. I think you have the capacity to do better than me.
You are in my thoughts.
Regards
Paul
Hi Bob,
Like a few other members I have only just come across this thread and am so very sorry that you lost your Amanda so suddenly, reading through the thread I am sure it makes a number of members think about their own relationships and how we take life for granted with our loved ones.
I trust that you will find a meaning to your live without Amanda being in it, like my mum used to say when someone close died "it's alright for them it's the ones they leave behind"
I guess you need to find some activity that keeps your mind active in a positive way.
Regards
Nigel
After humming and aahing over this I have started the process of getting some professional help.
I have managed to get an appointment with a highly recommend clinical psychologist in about a months time.
Just getting any appointment is very difficult these days as most of them are booked out some 6-8 months ahead.
I spoke to the psych for about 15 minutes on the phone and she seems highly empathetic.
Just getting an appointment brings a small amount of relief.
Bad day today.
Border Collie #2 rolled in a big yellow Poo smearing the whole of her right side from her tail to the tip of her ear.
When I got home from the dog walk Amanda’s horse riding buddy was waiting to tell me that Amanda’s horse was found dead in the retirement herd paddock this morning. He was fine last night when they checked those horses. There was not a mark on him and no marks on the ground to indicate any threshing around so it was probably a heart attack so mercifully quick. I didn't care that much about the horse - just wanted to do the right thing by Amanda, but it re-triggered my Amanda grief which I had been doing failry well at for the past week or so. On a more positive note that's the end of that black hole for money.
Then I went to the GP to set up my Mental Health Plan - a bit of raking over old wounds but necessary.
When I got home there was a set of Psych forms to fit out - also confronting but strongly cathartic.
Then I got a call from the bank to say that Amanda's Deceased estate financial forms that my son (as coexecutor) and I had spent 2.5 hours waiting t the band to get sorted out Monday were not filled out properly and we have to go in and do them AGAIN !!!!
This evening I going with a couple of green thumbed mates to a Bonsai ssication meeting.
Not that I'm interested in Bonsai - I just need to get out of the house for a bit of NOW time.
Bob, sorry to hear about the extra difficulties to get through.
Keep your head up. Exploring professional help sounds wise.
Thoughts are with you. Best wishes, Nick
Found this really good book on grief called "Its OK that you're not OK" by Megan Devine.
Its by far the best book (by by a LONG way) I've read on grief.
It basically shows why grief is one of the most poorly handled and mismanaged emotion in all societies.
It's for anyone who has experienced grief or is supporting someone that is experiencing grief.
What to write or not write on condolence cards, ie avoid platitudes etc
What to say and not to say to people who have experienced grief.
How to provided comfort and support to people who have experienced grief.
This is the only book so far that has started to shine a few faint flickers of light into the walls of that pitch back dark tunnel that is currently my future,
Glad you found this book Bob.
When I was less than 10yrs old I witnessed a younger sibling die traumatically. This came, as I learnt much later in life, at a time when the brain was still developing and had life long consequences with how I perceived and interacted with the world.
Well meaning people would say things like cheer up, you should do this, you should to that, dont be so glum, dont think like that, the worlds not going to end etc.
Never once did anyone say its okay to feel like you do, never once did anyone say that when their loved one died that they too felt lost or alone, never did any one share their own true experience. One could say in the case of my family that that was in part the legacy of the British stiff upper lip. However, I agree, many cultures just dont know how to grieve or support those to grieve in a healthy way.
I wish that someone had said to me its okay to feel lost, alone, angry, devastated, helpless, and many other untold feelings.
It may have have been helpful if someone said I cant tell you how long this grief will take, where you will end up or why this happened.
One thing that did help after some contemplation was thinking as our lives as a long wave originating deep from within the ocean making way toward the shoreline. When it finally breaks upon the shore the wave may no longer be visible but it is still all around us, just absorbed back into the ocean. In a metaphysical kind of way I am comforted by this - but it does not fill the material holes that are left.
Bob, you have poured your soul for all to see - for this I can only admire your bravery and thank you for your honesty.
Thanks FW
According to the book;
The first step to realize is that grief is not a "problem" to be solved, or "overcome" because it cannot be solved or overcome.
Societies ham fisted attempts to "solve" grief has lead to a lot of mentally screwed up people and I can now see this as the start of my Wife's mental illness issues.
Grief is a totally natural process that needs too be borne/carried by the griefee, and accompanied/supported by supporters.
The best one can hope for is with support and over time the edges of grief can be rounded so that any associated loss becomes more accepted - it is rarely ever totally accepted.
Some people can achieved this in less time than others but unfortunately Society expects everyone to "get over it quickly".
Recently I went for coffee with a couple of people I know and both of them knew Amanda.
When one asked me, how I was, I said "not good", there was a stunned silence.
They then proceeded to talk about everything else but how I felt and Manda was not mentioned.
I know it's uncomfortable and some people can't handle it and I don't want to only talk about Amanda or how I feel all the time anyway
All it did for me was make me feel like "a problem". and further marginalized me, so I came away feeling worse than when I arrived.
Then there are those people like a relative, who is herself a widow. All she could say was, "sorry for your loss but you'll get over it"
This is why I'm not going back to the mens shed for any company.
While there are some terrific chaps at the shed who will know what/how to say supportive stuff, but there are alsobe those with all good intentions that do not, and I'm too fragile to cope with that at the moment.
I have not seen that book Bob but I am glad you found it and that it is helping you.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
The lines I quoted above reminded me of the well intentioned but cringe-worthy conversations I had with well-meaning people at my wife's funeral and around that time, as well as the equaloloy well intentioned condolence cards. As a society we do indeed deal with death and grieving very poorly.
I hope the book helps you along your own personal journey in your own way.
This is good. It would be pretty simple to teach this at school and actually provide some useful life skills.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
That just sucks. I think you have hit one of the nails on the head; most people dont do uncomfortable at all well.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
As above and what appears to sound like the same for Dougs experience. I wonder if she received the same sort of words after her loss.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
Good. You dont need some people saying or doing dumb . I wish I was given permission to say NO to doing some things or going some places instead of trying to please others. It would have also been good to be given a knowing nod to be miserable, irritable, angry, upset and even given some space to smash some stuff up when the moment was needed.Quote:
Originally Posted by BobL
Some progress.
Earlier this week I remove 6 pieces of Amanda's mothers furniture from the house.
A much needed regular house cleaner started on Tuesday.
Have been doing a bit more of a clean up in the house, found 4 plastic crates full of "stuff" under one of the beds upstairs, and a couple of drawers in a dressing table that are also full of Amanda's mothers bric-a-brac, that needs sorting
Yesterday I went into the shed and did a bit of a clean up - still a lot to do down there.
Then I used the big belt sander to ease the sides of a small drawer that are jamming in an old writing desk.
Apart from cutting up dog bones with the Bandsaw, thats the first time i've done anything associated with wood since Amanda died.
Still feel like $hyte but can see flickers of light ahead.
do you think it will get easier once the great sort through of Amanda's "stuff" is done?
I don't know.Quote:
Originally Posted by havabeer69
It's very easy to get rid of the stuff that comes from Amanda's mums - or stuff Amanda's mum gave us as I can't bear to look at it.
Stuff from Amanda's Grandmother, or that her Dad restored is harder, but if they serve no useful purpose or it overly clutters up the place then its going.
Most of Amanda's personal stuff is is staying in place for the moment as it contains too many memories but eventually at least some of it will need to reluctantly go.
Two things that need proper homes are her children's book, and her Winnie the Pooh, collections.
The book collection contains a number of author signed first edition books. I don't want these going to just a school
Same for the Winnie the Pooh stuff ,these should both go to collectors
The craft stuff I'm in no rush to dispose of as it needs to go to people who will use it and having it around is still comforting so it wont go anywhere unless someone with a real interest pops out of the wood work.
Some developments.
I used the 3D printer for the first time since Amanda died to print a couple of pieces for a differential for a small LEGO RV that my son is dabbling with. This is a really significant move on my part
I stumbled across a note left by Amanda to contact an old dog walking neighbour/friend who said she would like to catch up with me and our dogs. In the past I only ever saw this neighbour at the park but it turns out she lives on the other side of our city block. She is now a trained psychologist working with disabled people and their carers. We had a very soothing 75 minute chat on the phone and it was like having an extreme long free psych consult.
Yesterday I saw a psychologist recommended by Amanda's psychologist for the first time. And as she came recommended I had some expectations that she would be a good one. Turns out we clicked after about 15 minutes and I think she will be helpful. She let me ramble on for about 40 minutes and then she said "what you have told me sounds like a life long love story". I'd never thought of Amanda's and my story like that before.
I found a treasure trove of 643 emails that Amanda sent me between 1995 until she died. We had sent each other emails from about 1992 to 1994 but these are unfortunately lost. Anyway reading these emails triggered many more memories so the memoir is now 143 pages and still going. Many of these were written when I was travelling (often overseas) for work which if they had been telephone calls would be gone, The messages are bitter/sweet. Apart from reading about all the frustrations with her family, the bullying at her workplace, our social calendar etc the best part are all the little endearments Amnada started and finished her emails with - very loving. What they also show was how much I had helped Amanda with a variety of things, from fixing IT issues, to ways of how to deal with her boss, and our recalcitrant son.It turns out I wasn't as bad as I remember. The many times she came to pick me up at the airport in the early hours of the morning really showed how much she missed me are especially precious.
So some progress.
That's very good progress indeed Bob. :2tsup:
Had my second session with the psych on Monday - not much progress but hey. it's still early days. She asked to read my memoir which will save a lot of time explaining everything.
The past week has seen aa coupe of major grief triggers.
Saturday I went to a nephew's wedding. Got my suit out and found I have lost weight so it was too big so I then got my older (smaller) suit out (last worn about 2005) and found it fits!. Had the suit dry-cleaned, washed and iron a shirt, polished my shoes, found a tie - last worn in 2010? Got through wedding ceremony by meditating with my eyes closed so only saw a few bits and pieces. AT the reception I lasted until the wedding party arrived and then had an overwhelming wave of grief hit me so rather than make a scene I left and went home.
Yesterday, while I was on my way to see a physio about my knees, I stopped off at Amanda's former work place, a private girls school where she was the head librarian for 23 years. Amanda retired from the school under a cloud of stress and bullying at the end of 2015 and had not been back since she left. Whilst cleaning up Amanda's home office I found a couple of Library books from the school and thought I would return them and also take the chance to catch up with some of her former work colleagues, one of which was also a close horse riding buddy of Amanda's. Amanda and I had another close personal connection with the school because it was in the school chapel that we got married some 44 years ago. Whilst walking through the campus to the library I walked past the chapel and front steps down which I remember, clearly like it was yesterday, happily emerging hand in hand as husband and wife 44 years ago. It was really hard to remain calm.
I'm taking a bit of a break for a few days next week and taking the dogs to a friend's farm down south. It is a place where Amanda and I used to visit this farm together just about every year so I 'm not sure how I will go but feel like I have to give it a go.
Bob
We often talk about life being a journey. That road is rarely easy. Yesterday hit a 25 year mile stone for me as our daughter reminded us. It was a distinct uphill section.
My point in mentioning this is there is no quick or easy fix. I like the fact you are out and about. While ever you are participating, I believe that is a good sign in spite of the memories flooding your psyche. You must learn to enjoy these triggers rather than rail against them. Without ever having met Amanda, I would like to think that this is the way she would want you to remember her.
You are in my thoughts as it is clear so many Forum members are also.
Regards
Paul
Staying with some friends on a farm down on the south coast.
Cute rammed earth, ironstone, weatherboard, corrugated iron, and telephone pole/beam house.
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My view from the back patio of Mt Franklin in the distance while having morning coffee.
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Farm is right next to a National Park full of smallish Karri trees and lots of nice tracks to walk thru.
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Wildlife everywhere, roos, native nice Dugite snakes and Fairy Wrens galore.
At around 4pm every day a flock of about 2 dozen fair wrens descend on the patio looking for food and some of the gamer ones will come right up and land on your lap.
Getting a photo of them standing still is tricky as they dart around so quickly.
I had to take about 20 photos to get these few.
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Even though I have been here many times before with Amanda its been very recuperative.
Bob, I am glad that you were able to "smell the roses". Your dogs look happy wandering around.
I put out seed for the birds every day. I feel privileged that all sorts come down for us to see.
Hang in there. You are in our thoughts