Once knew a bloke called "Draino"...clean around the bend.
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Once knew a bloke called "Draino"...clean around the bend.
We had one of those too(he's just retired), his nic was Morph!Quote:
Originally Posted by Daddles
Had a bloke I worked with called 'Marvin' after the paranoid android, he never got the joke.
Everything was negative with him, 'It's a beautiful day' 'I'll probably get sunburnt'.....'Going in the office tattslotto' 'If we win think of the tax I'll have to pay', it just went on and on.............
A friend used to work with the office backstabber named Vernon, it very quickly changed to Vermin.
And a Eugene in a club I used to belong to was always called Urine after a certain incident involving too many beers and nowhere to go.
And finally, while I was in Primary school we did a Christmas play, Wind in the Willows and one Ian Thomas (not me) got the part of Toad.
He is still called toad today, poor bastard, we were only 11 at the time.
once got away with calling a 6'5" 18 stone 23 yr old ex Aust rep rugby front rower who work with me a Necrophilliac Hermaphodite, when it clicked as to what I'd called him he laughed his head off :) then used it as his pet insult for a while...................thank christ he saw the funny side, cause when I said it he was within arms reach of me.
Bruce C
(advance apology to any such endowed persons with such inclinations that may take offence to the above.
That reminds me of something a mate of mine said to a bouncer once. We were in a pub in Bathurst and we got talking to this bouncer. I can't remember what the conversation was but he said something a bit clever and my mate said "You're a bit of a fart smeller, aren't you?". Well, you could've heard a pin drop. "What did you say?", says he. "I said you're a bit of a fart smeller. You know, smart feller." The bouncer didn't know if he'd been insulted or not, so he just walked off. I was lying on the floor by then.
And then there was the time I was talking to this thug I knew from school. We were looking out a window at a night club at a building across the road. We saw a woman come to the window and open it. He says "What's the old bag doing hanging out the window." I said "I didn't know your mum lived over there?" He looked at me and, unusually for him, decided to ask me what I'd said, rather than just thumping me one as he normally would have. "Oh, I thought you said 'what's me old lady doing hanging out the window'". He looked at me and tried to work out whether I was pulling his leg, while I put on my best innocent face. He probably still doesn't know what I meant, and I'm not telling...
Saw a few at sea and once named it would stick wherever you sailed
"Lobster " head full of s*** & an a*** full of meat
two buckets , couldn't carry that much s*** in one
Twin brothers the younger was "afterbirth"
anoyher set of twin lecco's empty head & the oxygen waster
Smoothie got that in port
Tampax enough said
two guns , don't listen just come out blazing
Fourty Questions
and The skipper who climbed a tree and tried ot cut a branch off with a power saw , after they sewed his thumb back on is now Captian Craw
Rgds
H.S.
. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
In between school and uni, I worked in a soap factory for a couple of months. There were two blokes who had been there for years - best mates.
They were an ill-matched pair. One was a huge, athletic-looking character and the other was about five foot nothing and about the same width. The little fat bloke had five kids and the big athlete had none.
The little fella was known as Big Dick and the big fella was Dead Balls. They were known as Big and Dead for short. The joke was so old it had no sting any more. People called them Big and Dead to their faces.
True story.
There has to be a joke in there somewhere :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Driver
Are you saying he was all washed up before he went to uniQuote:
Originally Posted by AlexS
Another of the duo names was truck and trailer saw one saw the other<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
or the two union delegates Bubble and squeak one would agitate and the other would agree<o:p></o:p>
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. The trouble with life is there's no background music
Regrettably I can't offer a free pot of MFKL for the best joke - because I sent it to Al :DQuote:
Originally Posted by AlexS
SilentC has reminded me of a bouncer incident.
Whilst entering a seedy establishment the bounce was giving the guy in front a hard time. You know the drill, he is going to let you in but wants to feel important. "Tuck your shirt in, not sure those shoes are appropriate etc".
Anyway the guy in front finally gets in and the bouncer starts to open his mouth to give me a hard time, when I said "hey mate you dropped a chromosome". While the muscle bound chap looked around on the ground for his missing chromosome I just walked in.
Don't know if he ever found it..........
'poofteenth'
when you bump the handle to take just a 'mickhair' off the job
'chasing moonbeams'
when you take off a poofteeth and it doesn't do anything and you say to yourself there is no real point in chasing .01mm for a bearing fit.
'spot on bevan'
he is the generic customer or boss who you hand the job, knowing full well that it will work even tho it may be a 'poofteenth' out of tolerance and really can't measure to save his life.
"Like a bought one."
At my old workplace we had a useless apprentice who made it to year five of a four year apprenticeship, hence i called him the fifth year apprentice.
"go a row"
I've never heard of this before, but my friend said it this morning and reckons it means "in the s&%#". as in "go a row of s&%$ houses." As in "in deep trouble" :rolleyes::D
"Rough enough's good enough" when you've shaved the last poofteenth off.
A German visitor recently asked me to explain "Bobs yer uncle" :?
One in my signature....
and for the really FUGLY ... A face like a smacked a&se
Hey There,
I have a few regular ones, that the boys at work sort of get a giggle out of,
'Crowin' like a boy Chook '
Robert's your mothers brother (Bobs your Uncle)
Busy as a one armed Fiddler with a dose of crabs
Trying to make Strawberry Jam out of horse Sh*t
You can't polish a t##d
Portion of urine
HazzaB
Always liked, "So full of it even his eyes are brown"
I don't use it a lot but when I do it's the best way to describe the situation
"a fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place"
pretty sure it's a WC Fields quote
All over it like a fat kid on a donut
Fits like mum and dad
Aren't there any mirrors in your house? (to people with bad hairdo's or bad dress sense)
You don't have to be dead to be stiff.
Stiffer than a honeymooners richard.
Dry as a limeburner's boot
Dry as a horse's fart
When in a state of misery I like a quote from "the Magic Pudding":
It's worse than warts, it's worse than corns to bare. It's worse than having several quarts of treacle in your hair.
When someone really gets up my nostril:: How would you like the ribosomes stripped from your endoplasmic reticulum?!
Will have to remember both of them. Makes you sound very scholarly! :UQuote:
Originally Posted by artme
For the useless types and things we meet: It's/he's about as useful as a hernia.
"show me your friends and I'll show you your future"
An old Irish immigrant that lived up the road from me said that to me when I was young bloke. Still makes sense :-
-that sheila's got blokes around her like maggots on a pork chop.
-if in doubt, give it a clout.
-by the Hogans ghost! (from my great grandfather)
It isn't that I'm not a people person; I'm just not a stupid people person.
"I'd like to agree with you but then we'd both be wrong"
Quote:
Originally Posted by eisbaer
Luv that :2tsup::2tsup:
TT
Every choice has a consequence - Choose carefully, if you burn your Rce then you will have to sit on the blisters.
If you turn the other cheek - it simply means you get belted twice.
If you find yourself in a hole - stop digging.
Our family motto "I Wouldn't Do That If I Were You"....
Our coat of arms is a pair of crossed hammers, rampant, above a bloodied hand with a nail through it. :(
..and from my childhood
"It's all very funny until someone loses an eye", and
"There's some in the thing on the mantelpiece"
neither of which have been particularly useful.:no:
For those with a bit of time on their hands....
Terry Pratchett Quotes - The Quotations Page
......a very wise old bugger.
menjar be i cagar forte, i no tingues par de la morte.
a catalan saying
"The bicycle of my grandmother has been struck by lightning." ?
"No blood, no sympathy"
"Confidence is the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation."
"A woman`s logic is the reason for man`s insanity"
I`m sure that they transcribed it from the dead sea scrolls.
way back it was........."No thrills for the cautious"
nowadays.........."The best things in life......aren't things"
For when someone can't find something that's right in front of them: "it's right next to the eye chart".