The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

wish him happy birthday:D

but he knew it was not Moichaels birthday as the uphimself demon dancer( a term used loosely) so called for the mad butcher of Ank-Morpork to remove Moichael once and for all. When Moichael saw him coming he quickly..........

looked over at Mother Farquahar and beckoned her to come closer.
Mother Farquahar, he cried, as he waved his wooden leg........"for you..a merkin...a merkin for your quim" and she said......

merkin MERKIN ....I'll give you merkin you bleeding'pretend irish pillow biting woofter take this' and with that she aimed.........

a pillow at them but then the sleeping gas hit them and they all fell asleep.....
Quietly Miss Sally closed the book, turned out the light and headed home thankful that another day as super nanny was over...........

Pszzzzttttttt Splat.

Where the hell am I, Bendigo thought to himself?
Shaking his head to clear out the grogginess from being reformed in another time and place.....

Man that faxulator needs fixing, I was aiming for the planet Xcept, and I landed here, where is here he thought to himself?.........

realising that he had hit the iceberg off New Zilland and was now a victim of Davy Jones..............

Davey Jones the Ice breaker!!

He had hit the berg so hard that he ricocheted off into the pointy bit of the ship

and found himself seated at a long dinning table adorned with ornately carved ebony statues of the entire smurf collection. His dinner companions were Elvis, Gandhi and elevan long haired friends of Jesus.

The meal was presented on plates covered with highly polished silver lid, when lifted it revealed to them a delicate array of assorted fried, grilled and poached .................

...wooden pens!

"What's this?" he pondered. "Why would anyone imagine it would be a good idea to serve these (admittedly beautifully turned and crafted) objects into a meal? Could it be that an oversupply has somehow been created and this has necessitated a search for alternative outlets for them?"

He was flummoxed.

"I'm ...

And with that Jamie Oliver jumped out from behind a big chefs hat, "cor blimie you old fruit and toad, ows me apple an pears, cor blimie gov, so what ya fink about me pens cor blimie"?

Gandhi stood up, and with the blessing of the others at the table, grabbed his finely crafted bullet pen, flew headlong at Jamie. He landed on Jamie's chest and they fell heavily onto the floor. He beat Jamie about the head with said pen and after some time he exclaimed (in his best Indian accent) ''Damn these cheap English ammunition thingys they never work when you need them to!''

It was then that the others at the table realised ..........

that Jamie was a Borg.......:eek: sent from the planet NospeakadaenglishGov to spread the foul cokney speak over the Universe......

Sounds emanated from a nearby companionway. Chief amongst these sounds were the reverbrations of heavily-booted feet clumping up the steps. Only slightly less obvious were the sounds of whinging and complaining from the companions who were being trodden upon in almost equal measure to the steps.

These sounds heralded the arrival upon the poop of Leading Artificer Groans and his arquebus. It was loaded with its usual mixture of nutritious and health-bestowing muesli grains, nuts etc.

Raising it to his arthritic shoulder, Groans took aim at yon denizen of the planet NospeakadaenglishGov and blasted the bugger over the taffrail. The hamsters gave their customary salute:

"Ahoy!" they cried.

Young Jamie was heard, in a voice reminiscent of a certain upimself Oirish hoofer, to utter a brief "ERKK!" before the VLGI's foaming wake closed over him.

"See what you can conjure up with those ingredients," quoth Groans conclusively, as he reloaded his ancient arquebus.

And they keep all ya scurvey lot regular too,

yarrhh...said Jamie who had by some miraculous feat managed to cling onto the muesli rail on the side of the ship, it was the molasus that really saved him, all that sticky goo had stuck him fast

er than a speeding train through Siberia. Groans leveled his trusty arquebus at Jamie again but just as he was about to pull the firing mechanism Staines yelled....

"Sail Ho!"

The Captain wheeled round and bellowed down the main deck:-

"Where away?"

"Fine on the starboard bow!" Came the reply from Staines as he pointed ahead.

"By Jove!" quoth Frontbottom. "I'm most impressed with all this nautical jargon. Very seamanlike, I must say!" He filled his pipe and lit it, taking a hearty pull.

"Douse all running lights!" cried the Captain as he tossed a bucket of seawater over Frontbottom.

Frontbottom was aghast.

"I'm aghast!" he spluttered as great gouts of salty spume ran down his best uniform.

The Captain was unmoved.

"I'm unm......"

...istakably back in charge" said the captain. "Now how did that come about?"

"It seems, sir," said Frontbottom in his most obsequious voice, "that the discharge of Groans' arqubus has caused some sort of cosmic calamity that has thrown everything back to what passes, on this demented ship, for normality."

Tripping daintily up the companionway in her size 12s (upsetting all the companions as she did so) came the mother Farquaher. She grabbed the saturated Frontbottom by the...

....front of his bottom.

Frontbottom was appalled. Instead of mentioning this he uttered a strangled: "Awwwk!"

Hereward Hamster turned to his mate Hieronymous and said:

"That's interesting. Frontbottom said "Awwwk" - shouldn't he have said "ERRRK"?"

"No. "ERRRK" is reserved for characters who have been tossed over the taffrail - or thrust down the front of the Mother Farcquar's frock. They say "ERRRK" just before we all call out "Ole!". Although, if I remember correctly, we called out "Ahoy!" when young Jamie was recently hurled into the 'oggin by Groans' arquebus-propelled muesli mixture. Strange that. Anyway, the point is, "AWWWK" is what people tend to say when grabbed by the nadgers."

"Oh, right," said Hereward.

Meanwhile, Frontbottom and the Mother Farcquar were ...

dancing a rousing Tango, gliding gracefully across the poop. With her left and his right hands entwined and extended artistically, they moved as one to the frantic beat of the hamsters' tails upon the deck. Mother Farcquar's eyes blazed in romantic passion. She looked longingly at Frontbottom and said: "Frontbottom, you sweep me absolutely away!" To which he replied fervently: "Awwwk," as she still grasped the front of his bottom with her right hand.

Meanwhile, the Captain cried out: "More of that seamanlike nautical jargon or I'll keelhaul the lot of you."

This broke Mother Farcquar's concentration. As she let go of Frontbottom's front bottom, she exclaimed . ..

"Keelhaul me! You? Keelhaul me! You pipsqueak! It'll take more than a penguin disguised as a ship's master to keelhaul me!"

"You forget, madam," quoth Captain Nemo. "I command forces that have dealt summarily with you on several previous occasions. Sponcracker!"

The chief droid techo of the Nemo Corporation appeared upon the poop.

"You wanted me, Captain?"

"Yerss. Have your droids keelhaul this large, allegedly female person, would you? She seems not to want to obey my legitimate command to use more nautical terminology."

Sponcracker pressed a button on a purposeful-looking remote control and a phalanx of purposeful droids marched purposefully up the companionway. (The squeals of the companions were nearly, but not quite, drowned out by the crunching noises made by the droids' purposeful metallic boots as they trod purposefully upwards).

"My stars! They certainly look purposeful, don't they?" remarked Hireonymus.

The Mother Farcquar took a quick glance at the droids. Her normally ruddy, not to say livid, countenance paled.

"Orright, orright!" she squealed. "I'll speak more nautically. Avast there, ye scurvy lubbers! Reef in the main t'gallants and splice the mainbrace! Pieces of eight and Yo, Ho Ho!"

She cowered before the advancing (and purposeful) droids.

The Captain ....

screamed: "I said nautical jargon, not Talk Like A Bluddy Pirate Day gibberish! Sponcracker, proceed with the keelhauling!"

As Sponcracker purposefully tied a line around Mother Farcquer's rather purposeless middle, Frontbottom rose to her defence:

"It's really all right now, boys, she's let go and I'm feeling much better."

"It's nothing to do with you, Frontbottom," barked the Captain, "buggar off."

"Why is the Captain barking?" asked Hereward, addressing no one in particular. "I thought he was a penguin disguised as a ship's master, and now he's barking like a flaming Pomeranian."

Undeterred by this purposeless aside, the droids threw the free end of the line overboard amidships and began pulling Mother Farcquer toward the rail.

The Captain watched with a glint in his eye. Suddenly he shouted: "What's happened, I can't see a daam thing?"

"Yer've got a glint in yur eye old son," remarked Leading Artificer Groans. "We'll soon put that right, let me have a go at it with me arqebus." And without further remarks, Groans fired a blast full in the Captain's face.

"Lord love a duck!" cried Sponcracker, "'e's shot the Cap'n wi' 'is thingummy.'

Upon hearing this, Hereward Hamster thought to himself: "What's with all the missing letters in Sponcracker's usually impeccable vocabulary? Perhaps he's been doing his own wiring again."

As Sponcracker hurried to Nemo's side, Mother Farcquer carpe'd the diem, so to speak, untied the line, and beat a hasty retreat toward the bridge. "Ye'll not keelhaul me this day! Avast! And I'll Talk Like a Pirate if I like to."

Making good her escape, Mother Farcquer disappeared into the bowels of the VLGI, which may not have been a wise choice. Time will tell.

The Captain, wiping the meusli from his face, and incidentally clearing the glint from his eye, turned to Sponcracker and said: "After her! Don't let that Mother Farcquer escape!" At which order Sponcracker and his droids set out after the fleeing damsel.

Not one to allow missed opportunities to get him down, the Captain immediately proceeded to . . .

...... wipe the spittle from his chin and alighted from his position.

He barged, headlong out the door of his cabin only to be met with the angry stare of his crew about to .....

panic, because he hadn't been in his bluddy cabin, but out on deck dealing with Mother Farcquer!

"Must have been the Rip in the Fabric of the Universe," one crew member remarked, "or at least must have bumped up near a grommet hole."

"Never mind that now," snarled the Captain, "I was just about to" . . .

put the kettle on fer a lurvely cup of tea, cucumber sandwiche anyone?

"Now that," said Dogsbreath. "Is unusual".

"What's that, old chap?" asked Frontbottom, as he tried surreptiously to massage his aching tackle, so recently subject to the violent attentions of the Mother Farcquar.

"That is," said Dogsbreath. "The fact that the Captain was considering putting on the kettle himself. I mean, wouldn't he normally call upon someone else to do that for him? Young bloke, runs about the joint looking worriedly over his shoulder whilst taking a firm grip on his strides. Can't think of his name. Rhymes with Dodger."

Frontbottom was surprised.

"I'm surprised that you can't remember him," he said. " His name's ...."

Baron Von Munchkin and he's a dab hand at making a quality cup of tea.
He's also known for allowing men to take.......

...liberties with...

new stubby ......... leg. The men do hideous things with his leg, they ......

even go to bed early so they don't miss out on a bagful of pressies from the jolly fat man who comes but once a year which makes..............

'Twas Christmas morn (which makes this the second anniversary of this epic tale - Merry Christmas to all our readers!:) ) and all through the ship ....

The crew were wondering why the captain was prowling about the quarterdeck (windward side, of course), with his handy-size patented Captain's All-Purpose Repair Kit clutched in his fist while he gazed intently at a particular patch of sky, low on the portside horizon.

"Quartermaster!" he called.

"Aye, Aye, Sir!" said Seaman Staines (for it was he).

"Steer three points on the North-East quarter!" said the Captain.

"Three points it is, Sir!" quoth Staines.

"And send for the cabin boy! Can't bring his name to mind." said the Captain.

Staines, with a distinctly evil leer, said ...

"Well it certainly isn't Baron Von Munchkin. It's Roger The Cabin Boy!"

Brief protests from the companions heralded Roger's rapid ascent of the companionway. He took a wide berth around the edges of the poop deck, avoiding the leering Staines and reported to the Captain:

"Aye, aye sir!" quoth he.

"Roger," said the Captain. "In your previous existence as commander of this benighted vessel, when you were Lieutenant Commander Roger, VC and Bar, did you ever have cause to use this?" He proffered the Captain's All-Purpose Repair Kit.

Roger's reply was interesting:-

"Can't say ...."

..... I recall such a thing, although there was that one time when I had blown a hole in Frontbottoms longjohns.

The captain was aghast. ''What do you mean by 'blown' Roger? Are you one of those unsavoury types witha consealed weapon? Is there something you should be informing me of? Are you and Dogsbreath just really good friends or is it something more?

Roger was taken aback he thought how could the Captain think so lowly of him. After all he had been through, after all they had been through together and worst of all after the supreme sacrifice he had made to keep the abhorent truth from coming to light. How could he be so callous.

Then it came to him the only way to save his own worthless hide was to ...........

. . . quickly change the Captain's focus to Seamen Staines.

"I think S.s.s.seamen S.s.s.staines has used that k.k.k.kit, sir," he stammered.

"Roger," queried the Captain, "have you been at the grog barrel again?"

"Why n.n.n.no sir," replied Roger, "it's only that I realized it's f.f.f.freezing out here on this f.f.f.arquing poop deck! With your p.p.permission, sir, I'd like to go b.b.b.below and get my p.p.p.pea jacket."

"Well, go and get your bluddy p.p.p.pea jacket, then," said the Captain, "and be quick about it! And now you've got me doing it. B.b.b.buggar off!"

Roger hastily retreated down the companionway, treading heavily upon several Companions, who groaned fitfully.

Meanwhile Frontbottom, momentarily forgotten in the hubbub, leaned listlessly over the starboard rail whilst still rubbing his recently wounded front bottom. As he stared moodily out to sea he spied a flashing signal light in the distance.

"Captain," cried Frontbottom, "I spy a flashing signal light in the distance. What can it mean?"

Rushing to the rail, the Captain peered through the murk at the light, now winking furiously. "Well shiver me timbers," muttered the Captain fearfully, "I've dreaded the day that signal might appear. Frontbottom! Do you know what that is? It's . . . "

..the Lighthouse of the Happiest Kingdom of them all. The Land of The Smiley People".

Frontbottom gazed back at Nemo with an appalled expression on his upper class twit's face.

"Captain" he said "you may find this hard to believe but I'm absolutely appalled!"

"Qucik man, do that nautical thing you do and have your misbegotten crew alter course immediately!"

However it was already to late for the VLGI because at just that moment there appeared a veritable host of cutesy little smiley people intent on boarding the VLGI.

Groans turned to Staines and said ......

Smilies on the port bow, and theyre closing Sir. :)(
Then a great wave hit :wave:
Photos were taken so everyone could see it later on :photo3:
kisses were passed around :kissing:
And much dancing was had by all ( except craigB)

:hpydans::hpydans::hpydans::hpydans::hpydans:
:hpydans::hpydans::hpydans::hpydans::hpydans:
:hpydans::hpydans::hpydans::hpydans::hpydans:

Al :p

With voices in unison they cried " ...the boy there on the burning deck...that one with his pocket full of crackers...:)( :)( :)( :)(

Frontbottom turned to Dogsbreath and said: "D'you know, I wasn't aware we had a burning deck. I mean, I'm very familiar with the poop deck. the maindeck, the quarter deck and so on. Even heard about the orlop deck - never been there, mind you. But I don't think I've ever heard anyone refer to the burning deck. Which one is it?"

Dogsbreath looked at Frontbottom, looked for'ard where flames and black smike billowed up from just abaft the foc'sle and then looked back searchingly at Frontbottom. He worried about Frontbottom sometimes.

"Y'know, mate," said the Aussie Rip Lord. "I worry about you sometimes. The burning deck, eh? That would be the one up for'rard. The one that is presently wreathed in flames and black smoke. The one where - even as we speak - the crew is busily engaged in frantic efforts to extinguish the blaze. In other words, ya Pommy dickhead, the burning deck is the one that's on fire!"

"Ah," said Frontbottom. "Yerss, I see. Y'know ....."

"Yars...lets roon arp thar distress flags...pahaps thars a frund nuhby to lund a hund"

FrontBottom reeled in horror...to ask for help at sea was tantamount to stopping and asking for directions
" Master Bates bring forth the pumps and put out that damn fire..and while your at it lash the wee young lad to the mizzen...he's been at the stores again!" roared the Captain. Something was troubling the Captain. twas the nagging suspicion that perhaps he had failed to extinguish the fire from his earlier tea making
"Its bloody Roger the cabin boy" muttered Dogsbreath"...always at the crackers"
Master Bates and his seamen made long work of the pumps. Up, down,up down they put their backs to it. Seaman Staines, who was quick to anger, urged the men on with loud frequent curses
" Come on you...

"Yars...lets roon arp thar distress flags...pahaps thars a frund nuhby to lund a hund"

FrontBottom reeled in horror...to ask for help at sea was tantamount to stopping and asking for directions
" Master Bates bring forth the pumps and put out that damn fire..and while your at it lash the wee young lad to the mizzen...he's been at the stores again!" roared the Captain. Something was troubling the Captain. twas the nagging suspicion that perhaps he had failed to extinguish the fire from his earlier tea making
"Its bloody Roger the cabin boy" muttered Dogsbreath"...always at the crackers"
Master Bates and his seamen made long work of the pumps. Up, down,up down they put their backs to it. Seaman Staines, who was quick to anger, urged the men on with loud frequent curses
" Come on you...

lilly loven rejects from a rat trap put yu back inta ands wilez azits sing uz a song one of themza worken songs .........dont push me coz i'm close to da edge, i'm tryin' not to lose my head. no no no one of dem workin' songs, oh right. if you are bored and you now it clap your hands CLAP CLAP... if your bored and you now it clap your hands CLAP CLAP... if your bored and you now it then you really ort to show it... if your bored and yopu now it clap yur hands CLAP CLAP.


At this seaman staines lost it and ripped into ...