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...had obviously been exposed to too much gratuitous violence. If Sally had not begun reading again who knows what may have eventuated.
Sally read
"Roger (VC and...etc) was really worried about Capt Beaut's future and gave the dreaded order to prepare the ship for the jump to hyperdrive, err sorry, to cross the rip. Suddenly all on board were subjected to truely awful nausea as their corporeal beings were subjected to trans-dimensional shifts (again) and ..."
... hurtled across the space / time continuum in pursuit of a complete balls-up.
"A complete balls-up?!?" you say, Dear Reader. "How can this be?"
Well, it's like this (or - as Tarquin would say: Itth like thith). The ship has hurtled, as mentioned, across the good old S/TC in pursuit of justice for Cap'n Beaut. But Cap'n Beaut isn't in need of any justice because he's safely ensconced in the Beautery, making his excellent compounds and lotions. It's poor old Cap'n Nemo - ol' Glorsprang - who has been indicted on charges of sedentary. He's the one who is happily getting absolutely $h!t-faced with his little waddly penguin mates, completely oblivious to the fact that on the other side of the RITFOTU, the forces of Laura Norder are hell bent on doing him over, big time!
How is this appalling situation to be resolved??? Eh? Tell me that!
With that, the errant author, feeling very ashamed said
"I'm feeling very ashamed about my blunder with the identity of the cap'n.I'll just toddle off and have a little nap and hope this seemingly irreparable situation doesn't turn into a complete balls up."
And with that he went.
crap in hand to........
.... where else? The Craporium, of course. There to be feted and also fitted out with a custom-made foily. This would help prevent them alien bastards from penetrating his thought patterns and causing unexplained and deviant plot stuff-ups.
Meanwhile, aboard the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, everything came to a sudden and entirely unexpected halt. Aside from causing all aboard to slide across the deck towards the bows, this was not as surprising as some of the events of the recent past.
Nor was it as surprising as what came next. The Rip opened and about three hundred penguins and precisely twenty-seven short nuns materialised on the poop deck.
"That's confusing," thought Roger, VC and Bar (and all the rest of it....). "I wonder which one is Nemo?"
"Hello," said Sponcracker. "I wonder if any of these penguins is Nemo."
"Looks like the annual dinner dance of a dwarves association," said Frontbottom.
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"We-e-ell," said Staines. "It's like this ..."
"....I don't give a **** ! I'm going to cut my own throat in approx. 3 posts time unless someone can convince me I shouldn't" claimed Staines.
And everyone on board, including about three hundred penguins and precisely twenty-seven short nuns, all burst into spontaineous laughter as they realised the enormity of the pun and the delicious irony of what Staines had just uttered.Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHammer
One of the penguins (apparently Nemo) explained the situation to Staines. "Stains" quoth he,"If you should die, you be an ex, then when we replay your last utterance,("I'm going to cut my own throat in approx. 3 posts time unless someone can convince me I shouldn't" claimed Staines.) then we could say EXclaimed Staines.
But before Nemo could bask in the glory of his wit, the sedentary police stormed onto the ship and seized him, for they'd been waiting on the other side of the rip with bated breath, for just such an opportunity.
"We've been waiting on the other side of the rip with bated breath, for just such an opportunity" spoke they. "You Nemo have given yourself away. Come with us"
Suddenly an enormously powerful and sexy voice said " Wait just one moment" For yes it was none other than...
.....Spongebob Square Pants, who handed Staines a large knife and said "Go on then do it". Staines was still confused by the ex debate which convinced him to follow through on his threat earlier than advertised so with a quick slice of the blade cut his throat and fell gurgling to the floor.
"Bloody hell I didn't think he'd actually do it" said SBSP as he poked Staines fidgeting body with his toe.
"Hold it, Hold it, hold it!" Screamed Roger (VC and bar etc)
"I've spent enough time in drycleaners to know that you can't get rid of semen Staines that easily, sure they fade with time, but they always remain, So Staines get up, stop bleeding on my deck (five coats of ubeaut traditional wax ;) ) and get back to work before I charge you with sedentary you layabout."
Now as for you rip crossers, give me back my penguin and go home, you have no jurisdiction here!"
So heads bowed the sedentary police went home and the crew all cheered Roger's bravery and wit and said no wonder he has a VC and Bar etc.
Spongebob Square Pants slapped Roger across the face and said "I love......
Lucy, it was one of the best TV shows ever.
Everyone now looked on, who in the hell was this bit of animated bath aid and who taught it to speak.
Suddenly there was the realisation that it must be some demonic outside influence for no one who has an ounce of sanity enjoyed I Love Lucy, AFL or wood turning.
Roger, VC & Bar etc et al, got a grip of himself, much to the disgust of the onlooking school girls.......................
and tossed old SBSP over the side and into the sea.
"Suck on that, latex boy" Roger thought to himself.
Turning to the aforementioned schoolgirls he said
"Now perhaps you young women would like to explain yourselves."
"How come you to be on my ship?"
"We're the Spongebob Square Pants fan club and were happy to give pleasure to all on board while SBSP was still on board" said one of the girls.
"A little young for that aren't you?" asked Roger.
"We might be dressed like school girls but we're all of legal age, but unless SBSP comes back, we're off." they replied.
"Well I'm afraid your not going to get much action here girly" said Roger
"You see Staines is a bugger, I have, ahem, 'issues' , Frontbottom only has eyes for Fellatio and Groans is past it."
Monica, (who was the grils spokeswoman) truned to her companions and said...
"Quick jump girls, we have to catch SBSP, this is a thread about a bunch of shirt lifters." and with that all the girls jumped overboard. Spongebob Square Pants was heard to say "Come on girls who's going to run up my flagpole?"
Meanwhile the "boys" were left to play with each other........