The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

"Now just a minute" interjected the cook, Captain Cook-Bastard, "I happen to come from a long line of Bastards, (on my father's side that is, obviously I'm a Cook on my mother's side, hence the double barelled name. In fact, we were originally called B'astard when we crossed the ditch with William the Conquerer).

"However, I digress. What I mean to say sir is you don't look like no Bastard to me! Oh no. Unless I'm very much mistaken you'd be a Jars not a Bastard"

"So obviously that makes you Lustfull Hugh Jars and I for one would very much like to hear you explain yourself"

Hugh looked at Dogsbreath and taking a deep breath he .....

... stamped his foot and burst into tears.

"Awwh, sheet!" said Dogsbreath. "Now look ..."

here if you're going to frequent this part of the space time continuum you're going to need to toughen up. The cook was only taking the urine out of you. Anyone with half an iota (eye oh ta) of legitimacy can tell that you're a right bastard. Perhaps a little sooky, but a bastard nonetheless. The cook is used to dishing it out to family members, no matter how distant. Isn't that right Cookie? And you've gotta admit the huge #### twist of having a surname like Jars was pretty clever and quick.
Now give us a smile like a good little bastard and explain about this hamster friend of yours...

"We-e-ll," said the Lustful one. "All right. But only as long as no-one else makes any pejorative allusions to the size of my bottom! I've always been very sensitive to remarks about having a big bum." He pouted.

Frontbottom raised a cautionary finger.

"Word of advice, old lad. Don't spend too much time referring to your rear end whilst aboard this vessel. Particularly in or near the person of one Staines, a seaman. He's ashore at the moment, in a tavern, with a knob firmly grasped in his fist. Good man to avoid, my opinion."

Dogsbreath interrupted the Marine's little homily.

"Yair, right. Anyhow, about this hamster pushing you through the Rip. Did you get his name? And didn't you also mention an upimself Irishman?"

"No, I don't recall him mentioning his name. But he was a very convivial sort. For a hamster, that is. He seemed to be very pally with that Moichael O'Flatulence person. D'you know him? He's a cocky bugger, isn't he? He offered to dance but a bunch of Japanese sailors were in a corner of the bar and, when they heard he wanted to dance, they all waved some odd looking implements at him and shouted something about Edo era. He decided not to dance."

"So then what happened?"

"Well, he asked me my name and I told him - and he took exception, as usual. So I explained that I'm a member of the Bastard family. That was when he mentioned Uncle Captain Bastard, the cook. And that was when the hamster told me about this ship and pushed me through the wallpaper and I wound up here."

"Right," said Dogsbreath. He turned to Frontbottom. "Fancy a look at this bar he's talking about?"

"Why not, old man?" replied the Royal Marine - ready as always for a change in routine.

Dogsbreath grasped Lustful Hugh by the scruff of the neck, waved his pole and the three of them de-materialised.

Lustful Hugh experienced a sensation similar to having every molecule of his being de-constructed, shifted laterally by several meta-parsecs and re-assembled. Since this was pretty much what had happened to him, we should not be surprised that this is how he felt.

The atmosphere in the bar was a little more raucous than it had been when he left. The Japanese sailors were up on the tables, singing World Cup football songs and waving their catching thing instruments of the Edo era.

"Here Edo, here Edo, here Edo-o-o!"

However ....

when they eventually espied Dogrsbreath's staff, they suddenly stopped there raucous World Cup type behaviour and falling to their knees commenced bowing deeply toward Dogsbreath's person.

"I say old boy" said Frontbottom "rather a strange effect you have on these Johnnies, what?"

"Ar yeah" replied Dogsbreath "It's not me that causes it though. It's the Twig of Orgasmo wot does it".

Just then, one of the Edo fishermen....

removed his shirt and gave it to frontbottom, unbuttoned the royal marine jacket that Frontbottom was wearing and put it on over his Japanese undergarment. Then he whipped out a 3g digital phone and snapped a photo of the two of them. Priceless!
All of his mates yelled encouragement until a very stern elderly one reprimanded them, saying....

" You sirry irriot, waas se matter you huh? You dlinking to much Sake, it make ......."

..you tink you in er mastercard advertizz ment."
Dying of shame the Edo warrior...

...folded like an origami boulder and collapsed in a corner. His elderly colleague, struggling to hide his shame, turned on Frontbottom and shook him out of the Japanese T-shirt.

"Is most dishonorable to give Nipponese T-shirt World Cup Souvenir Thingy of the Edo era to pederastic gaijin round-eye", quoth the inscrutable one. "Can only redeem honour by ritual self-disembowelment." So saying, he siezed the Twig of Orgasmo from Dogsbreath and thrust it into the trembling hands of the bonsai bushido quivering in the corner.

"I say," said Frontbottom, "we can't have him disemboweling himself here, he'll get bloodstains all over the poop, not to mention on my jacket that he's wearing. Perhaps a more suitable penance would be for him to spend some time in that barrel over there....."

... where, with any luck at all, his number will come up and he'll be this week's Lotto Powerball! Ha ha!"

Frontbottom was so pleased with his witticism that he slapped Dogsbreath heartily upon the back.

"Turn it up, ya pommy drongo," said Dogsbreath, good-naturedly. "You'll knock off me fox hat."

"Ah, excuse me, prease." The captain of the Sushi Maru had joined the crowd in the bar. "Are I right in thinking you are wearing fox hat?"

"Yair, mate," said Dogsbreath. "And I'm hoping you're not going to make some smart@rsed remark about it like our mate here nearly did." He indicated Lustful Hugh.

"So," said Nakalaka-san. "I am very interested in the fox hat."

"No sheet," said Dogsbreath. "Why is that, me old China?"

"No," said Nakalaka-san. "Not ....

your bruddy ol china, your fox hat!" He said rather exaperated. " I want it to......."

...wear when I cheer our team to glory at worrd cup. They praying nasty aggressive team of sushi watcher."

"I hate to tell you this, old chap", interrupted Hornblower, "but due to the time lapse as you slipped through the rip, that match has already been played, and the official result of the match Scientific Researchers v Sushi Watchers is 3-1 in favour of the Sushi Watchers."

In a state of shock, the ancient oriental...

... committed ritual origami with a paper boulder.

There was a concerted rush to rescue him by his crew, waving their catching thing instruments of the Edo era in desperation. But it was to no avail. Nakalaka-san's face betrayed no emotion as he succumbed.

"Cahill, Cahill, Aloisi," he intoned. "Three - One. Sayonara."

The whaler's crew bowed their heads.

Dogsbreath said: "Whale Oil Be ..."

...orright for furniture, but you can't beat Nakalaka for a great finish."

As the enormity of this audacious pun dawned upon the assembled throng, the crew of the research vessel, astonished and offended by this insult to their erstwhile leader, made menacing gestures at Dogsbreath with their catching thing instruments of the Edo era. Dogsbreath immediately struck a defensive pose, behind the voluminous skirts of the Mother Farquahar, who unnoticed by anyone, was sitting on a bollard at the stern (or in technical terms, the blunt end) of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

Drawing herself to her full height and girth, and ignoring the noise that sounded like a tinea-raddled foot being pulled out of a wet wellington boot, the good lady rose from the bollard and , seizing Dogsbreath by the...

... headpiece, grunted: "What the fox hat?"

Or, at least, that's what she seemed to say. However, scarcely had the words fallen from her great pendulous, rubbery lips when there was a loud ripping noise and two figures materialised on the poop.

Like Dogsbreath, they wore kilts. Unlike Dogsbreath, their kilts were quite tidy and accompanied by clothing of a distinctly Scottish Highland character. (Dogsbreath, you will recall, in addition to his renowned fox hat, wore a white PVC lady's handbag in place of a sporran and a reasonably clean tee shirt).

"I say," quoth Frontbottom upon sighting the Highlanders. "Scotch chappies!"

"Scotsmen, laddie," corrected the older of the two kilted personages. "We're Scotsmen. Not Scotch. That adjective is applied mainly to food and drink."

"Yerss," replied Frontbottom. "Knew that. Merely tweaking your tail, old chap. That's all." He bestowed upon them his most supercilious smile, filled his pipe, lit it and gave vent to a cloud of aromatic smoke. "Introduce yourselves," he advised the pair.

""I'm Lester McClustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and this is my factor: Maxwell McNackarlacquar," said the more senior of the two.

There was no more than a second's stunned silence before ....

Dogsbreath said " Then you must know those two chappies from yonder Castle Gai, Ben Doon and Phil McKavitty, the two ...................

.... Dogsbreath brought himself up short. An odd expression suffused his features. In anyone else, it would have looked like a severe case of embarrassment.

"Er ....," he muttered. "Might have been spending too long with this bunch of Poms. First time in me bloody life I've ever used that expression!"

"Did I hear..." said Frontbottom. "Did I hear you call those Scotsmen 'chappies'?"

"Yair, yer might've," Dogsbreath appeared unusually discomfited.

"Well, well," beamed Hornblower, brandishing his pipe with particular swagger. "We'll have you talking properly yet, old chap. Or should I say: 'old chappie!' Hwar, hwar!!" He gazed indulgently at the Rip Lord.

"Bugger that!" said Dogsbreath. "Need to get back to the Cowcockies Arms for a dose of reality!"

He waved his staff and dematerialised.

"Where's Dogsbreath?" said Captain Nemo, emerging onto the poop from up the companionway and ignoring the faint protests of the downtrodden companions scattered in his wake.

"He waved his stick and buggered orf," said Frontbottom. "Said something about the Cockleshell's Armpits or whatever that Orstralian pub of his is called."

"Now that," said Nemo. "Is a damn' nuisance. Just when we need him, he disappears. I've had a message from Sponcracker. He says that when the Mother Farcquar ..... (where is that harridan, incidentally?) Oh there you are ma'am! Fine day, isn't it?"

He grasped Frontbottom by the elbow and pulled him to the weatherside of the poop deck. Lowering his voice, he said:-

"Apparently, when that blasted great female hauled herself away from the bollard just now, she set off another disturbance in the Rip. Sponcracker says to expect a visit from Max Factor. Gawd knows what the hell that means!"

"Yerss, said the Marine. "Well, I think that message might have been a bit garbled, sir. Apparently these two Scotsmen are what we should expect."

He indicated the Highlanders.

"Really?" said the Captain. "What do they have to do with Max Factor?"

"Permit me to introduce myself, sir." The Scotsmen approached, "I am Lester McClustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and this is my factor: Maxwell McNackarlacquar."

Nemo was flabbergasted. He felt he shouldn't keep this to himself.

"I'm flabbergasted!" he said.

"Oh!" said McLustar. "I was given to understand that the captain of this vessel was one Nemo, a former penguin."

"What!" said Nemo. "Are you attempting to make fun of me in front of my crew? Frontbottom! Have your Marines throw this kilted buffoon into the brig!"

Meanwhile, at the Cowcockies Arms, Dogsbreath was being welcomed back by his mates - with a traditional Australian welcome .....

..."Would you be so kind as to pass me the teapot dear?"

Upon which one of Dogsbreath's mates retorted " Bl##dy tea pot! I can't cant even pass tomato seeds" Lots of hooting and hollering ensued. it was then that the boys at the bar noticed two oriental figures emerging through the smoke of the BBQ " We are rooking for honable Nakalakar-san" "Yer, he's around here somewhere, who wants to know?" "Ah so" said one of them " We clum flom China, Nakalaka -san is ristent rerative, rong rost cousin" The bar patrons looked on in amusement when Chukka the Trukka approached them and asked "Who are you?" The elder one of the two said " Name of Masta" pointing to the other oriental " is Wan Hung Lo, and my name is " Whu Flung Dung , poritical spokesman" The whole bar was stunned into silence all you could hear is..........................

the sound of the ripping of the fabric of time through which popped the head of pretty Miss Sally who asked....................

"does anybody happen to know where I can find an R&B combo?"

Well, you could have knocked Dogsbreath down with a feather. Because, it just so happened that.....

"Where's Roger? Has anyone seen Roger? He left me in the.... Wait a minute! This doesn't look like the poop deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed! It looks like a public house! And it's terribly hot!"

"G'day love," said Dogsbreath's mate Wokka. "Would ya like a nice cold beer?"

"Oh!" said Sally. "Thank you. I'd love a nice cold beer. I say, are you Australian? I met an Australian recently. He wore a kilt and a fur hat. Oh, there he is!"

"G'day Sally," said Dogsbreath. "And how is it that you've managed to project yourself through the Rip without permission?"

"Well, I'm not sure what you mean about permission but just after Roger left....have you seen him, incidentally?"

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "He's OK. He's aboard the VLGI. As long as Staines stays stuck to that doorknob, he's safe enough. You were saying - just after Roger left...?"

"Yes. Just after Roger left a rather over-confident Irish person arrived. He was dripping wet and he insisted on dancing a very irritating dance. The girls' hockey team had to be restrained from hitting him, actually. Anyway, he said he could re-unite me with Roger aboard that odd ship. He took a very peculiar egg from his pocket and waved it and ... well ... here I am. But where's the ship? This isn't it."

"Nah, it's the Cowcockies Arms." Dogsbreath was distracted. "Listen. This egg that Moichael was waving. How did it seem?"

"Well, it was very odd. Rather frightening, to be honest. I don't know why an egg should be frightening but it had a most peculiar sort of aura about it. Quite nasty. Sort of malevolent."

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "That's what I was afraid of." Dogsbreath looked around the bar. "Eh Wokka!" he said. "Have ya seen Shorty?"

"Ere I am Dogs!"

Through the door of the main bar stepped an enormous man. He was as tall as the average internal door (2100 mm) and at least two axehandles across the shoulders. He had a black eye and a large sticking plaster across his nose.

"Gawd!" said Dogsbreath. "What the hell happened to you Shorty?"

"Got in a fight with Tooky Williams."

"Tooky Williams! He's only half your size, mate! What did he hit ya with?"

"He was holding a bloody fence picket," muttered Shorty.

"And what about you? Weren't you holding anything?"

"Well yeah, I was. Tooky's missus' left breast. Lovely thing in itself, of course, but no bloody use in a fight."

"Yair well," said Dogsbreath. "I'm gonna need ya, mate. You up to a little journey through time and space?"

With that, he put an arm around Sally, grasping Shorty's belt, and waved his staff. All three of them de-materialised.

With a ripping sound, they appeared on the poop deck ....

...to the surprise of Staines, who had had no success in unsticking the knob from his hand. The CA glue was living up to its reputation.

"Don't worry, me old mate,", said Dogsbreath, "I've brought a rescue party. We'll have you unstuck in two shakes of a lambs tail. Now, Sally, I want you to whisper some of some sweet nothings in Staines' ear. You might also like to do the fingernail manouevre up his spine."

Sally was shocked at Dogsbreath's suggestion, but after brief consideration, she decided that opportunity knocks but once.

Staines' response was completely involuntary. His knees started knocking, his face went pale and his palms started sweating. Gradually, Dogsbreath's plan became clear. The sweat from Staines' palms started to soften the glue.

Dogsbreath inspected the doorknob. "Now, Shorty, I want you to get hold of Staines and pull him off."

"Turn it up, Dogs!" Shorty was appalled.

'I'm bloody appalled!" he said.

"Nah, ya bloody nong! I meant pull him off the doorknob! Jeez!" Dogsbreath was exasperated but he elected to keep this to himself.

Shorty, recovering from his shock at what he thought had been Dogsbreath's request, grasped Staines by the seat of his pantaloons and the scruff of his scruffy old neck.

"Pardon me, love," he said to Sally, who stepped gracefully out of the way.

Shorty gave a mighty heave and Staines came unstuck with a sound not unlike that which had accompanied the Mother Farcquar's de-bollarding, reminiscent as it was of old athletic footwear.

Shorty, however, was unconscious of these subtleties. His immense strength lifted Staines clear of the door, clear of the deck, clear of Sally's presence and clear over the taffrail.

"Olé!!" The hamsters cheered, as was their wont.

No great harm came to Staines, of course, because the VLGI was tied up at the quay adjacent to the hamsters' great statue. Spluttering and grumbling in his customary Stainesian manner, he hauled himself from the drink and stumped up the gangplank, managing, as he did so, to discomfit several gangs clustered thereupon.

The Captain ...

realised he now had a useful person aboard and wandered over to Shorty and asked ...........

"Would you mind, sir?"

He eased his way past Shorty and approached Sally. With a patently lustful glint in his seafaring captain's eye, he said. "You seem like a very useful sort of person to have aboard, Miss. May I invite you to the captain's cabin for a cocoa and a chat?"

"Won't the captain mind?" said Sally, innocently.

"Ahem!" Nemo was nonplussed. "I find myself nonplussed," he said. "I am the captain."

"Oh!" said Sally. "I am sorry. I'd love a cocoa and a chat."

Off they went, down the companionway with Nemo solicitously shooing various companions from Sally's path.

"Dogs," said Shorty. "Why is it that when I look at the captain, I immediately get a mental picture of a penguin?"

"That, my large and muscular mate, is a very perceptive question." Dogsbreath was impressed. "I'm impressed," he said. "For a bloke who was recently twassocked about the frontispiece with a fence picket by a bloke half his size, that is a very perceptive question. There's no doubt about you, Shorty, you're smarter than you look."

There was a brief pause.

Dogsbreath continued after a moment's reflection. "Mind you, that wouldn't be too hard ..."

"Yair, yair," said Shorty. "But why is it ..."

the penguin um sorry captain has a lustful look in his eye for the love of Rogers life? Wont she just beat the penguin err captain about the head with a large cup of cocoa until he

has knocked the chocolate out out of him?

Speaking of whom .....

Chocolate Le Clair tapped politely on the door of the captain's cabin.

"Come in!" The Captain's peremptory summons wasn't the effusive welcome Chocolate seemed to have expected.

"Allo, allo, mon Capitaine! Eet ees a long time seence ah 'ave 'ad the pleasure of seein' your face! Won't you introduce me to zees charmeeng young ladee?"

"Le Clair - Miss Sally. Miss Sally - Le Clair. Now, what is it that you want, Le Clair? I have a great deal to discuss with Miss Sally."

"Ah merely wanted to say 'allo, mon Capitaine. Eet 'as been a while seence we spoke."

"Very well: Hello. Don't hesitate to speak to me again next time you see me on the poop. On your way back to the maindeck, roust out Roger from the galley and send him along with some cocoa, there's a good chap."

Sally leapt to her feet and clapped her hands with joy. "Oh yes, do send Roger along - even without the cocoa," she said. "He's the whole reason I'm here. I have missed him so much!"

"D'you mean to say that you know my cabin boy?" Nemo was astonished. "I'm astonished!" he said (to no-one's surprise).

Before he could expand on the theme of his astonishment, Roger burst into the cabin, thrust a tray of cocoa mugs at the Captain and swept Sally up in his arms.

"Mmmff, mmmfffff, mfffm!" they said, jointly and severally, lips locked together. (Sally and Roger, that is. The Captain wasn't party to the embracing and lip-locking - he hadn't been invited and he was busy trying hard not to spill hot cocoa on his clean uniform).

He was, however, mightily peeved to be treated with such lesé-majesté aboard his own ship and in his own cabin, no less.

"I am mightily peeved," he said. "To be treated with such lesé-majesté aboard my own..."

He got no further. Dogsbreath burst into the cabin, closely followed by the enormous bulk of Shorty.

"You'd better come up top and have a look at this Captain!" said Dogsbreath. "It looks like ..."

a repeat of the 100 years war all wrapped up in a few minutes" Cocoa going everywhere Captain Nemo shouted for Roger to clean up and raced out to stop the war about to erupt. As he burst out onto the poopdeck he stood and looked in amazment at Chocolate Le Clair doing his best to............

keep a straight face whille Dogsbreath licked the chochcolate from his......

fox hat 'ya dirty mongrel snail munching waste of oxegen imitation of a homo sapiens why do you have to splater everyone around you with chocolate?'
Withthat he raised his staff and with one quick swing sent poor old Chocolate Le Clair into willie wonker's chocolate factory and .........

and said " That will teach you to try and chockablock Miss Sally" Meanwhile Le Clair was transported in to the eclair processing machine where eclairs were being piped full of chocolate fudge. Noticing his demise Le Claire thought of Miss Sally and ........................

stiffened.....................his resolve to be a better person or eclair in his next life.
Meanwhile as Dogsbreath sheathed his staff...................

...Miss Sally realised that her long-held dream of deflowering Roger the cabin boy was, at long last, near to fruition.
"Roger, my love," she panted, as she drew a badly-needed breath. "At last we can live our dream. Take me away with you. We shall spend our time with nothing on but the radio."

"Er, well," said Roger "That's a very nice idea, but..."

"What the fox a radio?"

There was a ripping sound and a neatly dressed bloke in dark suit with a distinctly Edwardian haircut appeared.

"Per'aps I can 'elp," he said. "My name is Guglielmo Marchese Marconi. I theen' you are a-talkin' about-a my eenvention: thee radio."

Dogsbreath ....

" Who the fox he??"

Challenged by the tone of Dogsbreath's question, Signor Marconi (Macca to his mates) dived to the deck and writhed in agony. However, realising that there was no referee aboard the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, he swiftly regained his feet, and was about to reply, when he realised that no one was watching him.

Every eye was fixed on a stunning blonde beauty who had apparently slipped through the rip with Macca. She stood 6'2" in her fishnet stockings, and the Little Black Number she wore only served to highlight her hour-glass figure. When she walked, it was like watching two tomcats fighting in a sugar bag, and the glimpse of breast that the LBN afforded put one in mind of the Swiss Alps, if the Swiss Alps had been made of blancmange and topped with plump strawberries. Her pouting lips gave you the feeling that kissing her would be like eating a sponge cake full of treacle. Is it any wonder that no one was taking any notice of Signor Marconi?

"I", she announced, "am Mademoiselle Claire de Saloon, spin doctor and media advisor for Signor Macca. We seem to have been transported through time by some miracle of radio-telemetry. One minute we were just twiddling knobs and pressing each others buttons, and the next we were here."

Shorty was the first to lift his gaping jaw from the deck. With all the suavity that he was renowned for, he...

said "Which idiot brought a real woman onto the ship? You lot know the rules. It's tantamount to saying 'good luck' to an actor on opening night! Quick Doggsie get her out of here."
Before Dogsbreath could reply, Groans whose selective deafness had suddenly returned said...