and ayes and bees"
The children said, "Frick Mum, not this crap again. Can't we have a normal bed time story?"
Sally replied ...
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and ayes and bees"
The children said, "Frick Mum, not this crap again. Can't we have a normal bed time story?"
Sally replied ...
" Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!"
because when she'd turned the page she'd suffered a paper cut.
And as we know these are extremely painful.
Anyway, back in the story...
Before Michelle could finish her sentence, she was most rudely shoved as aside by one individual of the name Staines, S.
And guess who he held in a tight grip?
Yes. Ir was Roger the cabin Boy!
"Oh no" groaned Roger inwardly "here we go again"
Whereupon Staines ....
..pulled out a gun and shot Michelle between the eyes because he couldn't bear her stupid accent, he then shot Roger and put him out of his misery then turning the gun on himself spread his meagre brain all over the wall. All was quiet....
until the hamsters appeared just after eating their baked beans
sitting around the fire recounting stories of running wheels the hamsters expelled wind at a rapid rate...
Harry the Hamster trainer walked in, cracking his whip which he held in his right hand and the chair in the left. "Back you vicious, hamsters, back!" commanded Harry
The hamsters look at Harry with distain and ...
..backing up to the fire they all expelled at the same time singeing all the hair off of Harrys head. Harry was so disconsolate he turned the chair upside down and impaled himself, strangely managing to remain in a sitting position.....
Just then, Quentin Tarantino walked in humming 'Stuck in the Middle'. He was carrying a Samari sword in one hand and ...
..a wooden spoon in the other...
"That's unusual," said one of the hamsters. "Normally the loser in a samurai sword fight gets hacked to pieces but this bloke seems to have been presented instead with a wooden spoon."
No sooner had he uttered these fateful words than Quentin literally fell apart. He had, in fact been hacked into three large pieces but had managed to balance himself long enough to reach the hamsters' gathering ...
and fell on Harry. Who at this point, stood up straight as he could considering he was still impaled by the chair ."
Little Johnny the Hampster said to his Mum, "Look the trainer has a chair stuck up his *****"
His Mother replied "Rectum, Johnny, rectum"
"Wreck'em, damn near killed him" exclaimed Johnny
Quentin was pleased that he was now dead, so he didn't have to listen to such lame jokes. Harry on the other hand ...
Felt a sudden urge to go to the loo,
But how could he sit on the throne while he was securely attached to the infernal chair.
Then he had a brainwave.... If I just .......
..squeeze hard enough...it might.......but it didn't and when he relaxed it was further inside him than before....
..he was a character in an extremely silly story.
"Oh my" exclaimed Sally as she sucked her paper cut "I didn't care for that chapter at all, did you children?"
"No Miss Sally" the little cherubs chorused "It was complete bollocks".
"Well then" said Sally as she turned the page, "Let's see what the new chapter will bring".
Clearing her throat, she began ...
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
... it was that slow couple of days between the end of the footy season and the start of the cricket.
Blokes wandered about the place, looking for things to do. You could see them, engaged in aimless tasks: tidying the shed :D , attempting to repair the rip in the fabric of the universe, trying out several different sharpening techniques ...
.. and trying to decide whether to use GMC or Dewalt or (shock horror) handtools but eventually ...............
... giving up and deciding to give blacksmithing a go.
"I'll use this stockpile of wood I've got to fuel the forge", Harry thought to himself. "I'll buy a FBH and an anvil and I'll make a wrought iron gate to close that rip in the fabric of the universe." Thinking happy thoughts of hours pounding red hot steel, Harry wandered off to find ...
some old aluminium pots and pistons to melt down. He had this feeling that if he could only pour it thinly enough, say over a sheet of float glass, he may be able to make a better foil. With better foil in his beanie, there would be no way they....
remember Andy Self the miner of coal started this in the first place and so ................
"Andy sang Andy watched Andy waited 'till his billy boiled ."
Harry wasn't quite sure that these were the words to the Ossy folk song, but that's what he hummed to himself as he stoked his fire.
"Huon pine ? nope, won't be needing that now I'm a metalworker. In you go, yes Jarrah, you too. Ah ha, here's some birdseye maple. That will burn really hot. Just what the furnace needs"
Harry was so engrossed, that he didn't notice...
the approach of an very large solid and animated sawdust man about to.................
use his wooden ...
appendage to pee on the fire ....
however, his urine was made from a mixture of tung oil and turps. As the sawdust man peed on the fire, his stream burst into flame and was making a bee line for his wooden member. Seeing this the sawdust man ...
instantly changed his name to flame-thrower man and then he.....
... realised (too late by about half a second) that it really didn't matter what he called himself: Sawdust Man or Flamethrower Man, because what he had become was Great Balls of Fire Man.
"JERRY LEE LEWIS!!!" he yelped as he attempted to extinguish the conflagration erupting from his pantaloons.
"Oh look", said one of the hamsters (they had, incidentally, all reappeared and were establishing themselves once more around their camp fire). "Oh look! There's a man with several strange names whose appendages appear to be ablaze. Do you think this is deliberate, Ermintrude?" he enquired of a fellow hamster.
Ermintrude's reply was quite fascinating. She said ...
oooooooooo...... looks like toasted marshmellows and ......
black pudding
Ermintrude continued "It is actually a VERY black black pudding".
"Yes" piped up Balthazar "it reminds me of a ...
time when I was following this stupid star with a couple of kings or were they queens you never could tell with Caspar or Melchior. We walked through the desert for weeks and ...
... then we found a horse with no name. It was being followed by a bloke riding a camel with a particularly large hump. The camel was walking very carefully, back legs apart. The bloke riding the camel was carrying a couple of bricks ...
... and he had the strangest name .... Ozwinner...
.
The bricks are there to make the camel drink. By "bricking " him you get more miles to the gallon ( of water).Keep your thumbs clear because it could hurt and bring tears to your eyes.