The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

... it's never a good thing to have a boot up your Merkin.

Notwithstanding the above, the entire crew were faced with a very confusing scenario. The captain turned to Frontbottom and Dogsbreath.

"This," he said, thoughtfully, stroking his beard. "Is a very confusing scenario."

"Yer right," said Dogsbreath. "It reminds me of that time when we had a confusing scenario in the front bar of the Cowcockies' Arms. I well remember sayin' to me mate Wokka at the time: 'This,' I said. 'Is a very confusing scenario.' He agreed with me. 'Too bloody right, mate,' he said."

"So what did you do?" enquired Frontbottom, thoughtfully stroking his chin.

"We had a couple more coldies, mate," said Dogsbreath. "A man is not a camel."

"True. Very, very true," said Frontbottom.

Meanwhile, on the maindeck ...

there appeared a hawker of unknown repute and in his wagon there were a supply of coloured merkins which confused the crew even more as they were all colour blind and had enough lice without merkins thank you muchly. Staines stripped to his................

lycra thong, (and yes the waxers had been in days prior.)

yet nothing was as it seemed. Or, rather nothing was as it had seemed.
This was because everything, it seems, was as it seemed because the ships computer had created a reality out of the very fabric of the universe. No one ever realised this before because the ships computer had never felt the need to reboot herself before. (That is to say she made something out of nothing and it seems that everyone on board was happy to believe that reality was, indeed, that way.) Except for those occasional times when strange things seemed to materialise out of nowhere causing people to state the obvious.
But back to the reality that now faced the crew for the first time( it seems).
Without their strange but comfortable illusion, they all began to look on each other very much as Truman did when he realised that his entire life had been a lie.
This was proving to be an uncomfortably long reboot sequence.
Roger the cabin boy thought that he might have been at some stage, the captain.
As this realisation dawned on him he uttered the one thing that guaranteed that he'd never ever regain that rank.
Fatally in a fit of lucidness (lucidity?) he said "Bugger me"
Whereupon...

... Groans - with great alacrity and presence of mind - brought into play a catching thing instrument of the Edo era that he had obtained quite recently. He hooked the business end of the instrument purposefully about Staines' throat.

"Did you get a glimpse, shipmate," he said. "Of what happened to that upimself Irish hoofer when several of these things were attached to his breathing tubes?"

"Erk!" gasped Staines, attempting to nod. "Erk ..... "

Roger ....

surprised everyone by rounding on Groans and exclaiming:

"Let him go you brute!
Yes, it's true. Cyril (for that was Staines forename) is the LOML and all this punning and nodding and winking merely a smokescreen to cover up the fact that we share the love that dare not speak it's name!"

Frontbottom, who was watching theses histrionics with his usual supercilious countenance took a long pull on his pipe and said....

"It wouldn't surprise me, Dogsbreath, to learn that this reminded you of a similar situation back in Orstralia."

"Yair," said the fox-hatted one. "Matter of fact ...."

"I remember this bloke who was the LOML (looter of my lunch) and well of course I up and punched the bugger right on the nose. I said to him, "Look 'ere son, a good bloke just don't go 'round flogging off with other blokes lunches..." Don't what Rodg was going about about love for though. No way I could love someone who took a five finger discount on me lunch...

What did you mean Rodg?"

Sally closed the book, took off her glasses, shook her hair loose and cast what she thought was a surreptitious glance at Sebastian. Daphne's grip on her hockey stick tightened so hard that it made a crunching sound.

Ignoring this, Sally addressed the class:-

"Well," she said. "This is a surprise, children. Despite the rather strange Australian's complete misreading of the situation, it seems, despite all previous evidence to the contrary, that Roger is inclined in the same direction as that awful man Staines! Does anyone have a comment?"

"Yeth mith!" lithped Tarquin. "It'th no thurprithe to me! I have felt for a long time that Roger harboured thecret urgeth!"

"I see," said Sally. "Well, that will be your homework assignment, Tarquin. To write an essay supporting your view that we should not be surprised by Roger's revelation. If you are to convince me, I require you to find plenty of supporting evidence in the text. Those of you who agree with Tarquin can do the same. Those of you who may disagree can write an essay on what you feel may have prompted Roger's outburst. Yes Sebastian?" She blushed as she mentioned his name. Another crunch was heard from a location not far from Daphne and her hockey stick.

"Well. . . . Miss," said Sebastian. "I'll be writing my essay on why Roger is concealing his true feelings because I don't think he's a shirt-lifter. I can understand why certain lisping pipsqueaks might like to think he is a fudge-packer but .... Anyway, I wondered if I might ask you to help me to do some research this evening on the subject of my homework assignment?"

There was a loud crack as Daphne twisted off the top half of her hockey stick and ....

... got some nasty splinters in her hand.

"Miss, could you take me to the infirmary and fix me up good and proper," the not-so-petite little girl suggested.

The much maligned, but surprisingly open teacher, Sally, said that it would be here pleasure.

So without further ado she left with Daphne leacing the class to ponder the fate of the good ship The Very Little Gravitas Indeed and their recent adventures ...

when Sally arrived in the sick bay she discovered a jar of Ubeaut traditional wax with a note attached reading
"dear teacher please find complimentary jar of fully edible wax for application to little fingers troubled by splinters. love Neil"
"well" said Sally...

There was a sudden very loud ripping noise and through the wall of the sick bay stepped Roger.

Raising a finger to his lips, he cautioned Sally and Daphne to be silent. He swiftly stepped across to the sick bay door, glanced up and down the corridor and closed the door.

"Sorry to startle you," he said in a quiet and conspiratorial tone. "I needed to take advantage of the Rip to let you know what's going on. I'm not really nurturing a secret affection for that old reprobate Staines. But I had to stop Groans from throttling him with that Japanese device. You see, it has to do with Sponcracker's droids, the Nemo Corporation and Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer and his fox hat. We need ...."

...is a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down after all that excitement."

"Thee, I told you he jutht wanted to get into bed with everyone." said the sibillantly challenged Tarquin, burthting (now you've got me doing it) into the sick bay through the rip made by Roger.

"Oh be quiet, you lisping little twirp, hissed Roger. "What I'm trying to say is that we are all the victims of a pan-universal swindle that has the potential to be bigger than the Nigerian scams. If we can't stop it now.....

this whole thead will be closed and then we'll be even more lost than we were when the computer rebooted and we were left with no reality except the real one....er that is to say...

I have no idea what I/m on about thats why I came here to see if you can give the computer a password to allow it to reset to its original programming and allow you to get on with the story.
Well said Sally.....................

most people use their wife's name or their kid's name or birthdates, so you could try those...

... But of course since I am single, lonely and I have never had a birthday since I was abandoned as a child I will need to try more drastic measures. I will try ...

... asking the school nerd .... I mean. the school's best IT student: Farcquar."

"Did you say his name is Farcquar?" said Roger, with a slight quaver in his voice.

"Yes, that's right," said Sally.

"Er .... do you know his mother?" said Roger, with a bit more of a quaver.

"Oh....." said Sally. "You mean that very large lady....."

"That's one way to describe her!" said Roger. This time his voice contained something far more like a semi-breve.

No sooner had the words left his lips when there was a ripping sound and a wooden leg crashed through the wall, followed immediately by the rest of....

a very large wooden greek attempt at Mother Farcquar so as to belie the fact that roger had been sucking down the turps once too often and as Sally noticed...............

Sebastian's boyish grin and floopy hair it had the effect of making her go rather weak at the knees.

However, Sally's feeelings don't concern us here because at that very moment, the large and, it must be said, terrifying bulk of the Mother Farcquar at last succeded in forcing its way through The Rip.

"Where is he?" she bellowed "Oh, where is my darling boy?"

Sally, her thoughts of Sebastian banished, turned to this rather large and frightening apparition and said ....

"Madam ......

...I've been meaning to ask you why Farcquar's school fees haven't been paid ..."

"Out of my way, girlie!" quoth the behemoth as she brushed Sally to one side. "Where's my baby? Where is the little Farcquar?"

"I'll get him for you!" said Daphne. She rushed into the corridor, clutching the two halves of her hockey stick and shouting:

"Has anyone seen that little Farcquar? His mother's here!"

A nerdy head peeped tentatively round the edge of a door halfway along the corridor. With manifest trepidation (and a quaver, two minims and a semi-breve in his voice), Farcquar - for it was he - said:-

"She's not really here, is she? The Mother Monster, I mean? She hasn't really come to the school .... surely?"

Daphne rushed up to Farcquar, hooked the end of her hockey stick around his neck and, dragging him back towards the dispensary and his fearsome parent, said:

"Now, now, Farcquie! That's no way to talk about your Mumsy! Come along!"

She opened the door to the dispensary and pushed Farcquar forward into the gaping maw of his mothers's enormous cleavage.

"Errk!" was all he managed to gasp before he was engulfed.

"My baby!" trilled Herself in a sickening rendition of a mother's plaintive cry.

"you look exactly like I remember your father looking the first time I ever made (monstrous) love to him, terrified...

So, while the Mother Farcquar was totally absorbed in satisfying her maternal instincts and Farcquar the nerd was, as a consequence, struggling for air, Roger grasped the opportunity to brief Sally on the perilous situation besetting the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

Actually, he grasped more than the opportunity. The Mother Farcquar's maternal activities had pushed Roger and Sally into a corner of the dispensary. This enabled Roger to grasp Sally. She didn't seem to mind.

"As I was saying," said Roger, indulging himself with a surreptitious grope. "It's all to do with Sponcracker's droids, the Nemo Corporation and Dogsbreath and his fox hat...."

"I see," said Sally, a bit breathlessly. "Well, I don't see really, perhaps you should explain..." She wriggled against Roger pushing him further towards the corner of the dispensary.

"I will ... explain, that is ...." said Roger, even more breathlessly. He had spotted a conveniently positioned bed in the corner of the dispensary.

Roger and Sally were just about to become very well-acquainted when, from the general direction of the Mother Farcquar there came a faint but familiar cry:

"ERRK!"

Farcquar had succeeded in getting his head far enough out of his mother's enormous cleavage to draw breath. He managed to suck down a great lungful just as the Rip parted and Sponcracker and his droids filled the remaining floor space in the dispensary. In the resultant confusion, Farcquar was thrust back down the front of his mother's frock.

"Bloody Hell! ERRK!" he said.

Daphne pushed the door open with her broken hockey stick and joined the crowd. So did Sebastian.

Peering over the heads of the crowd, he spotted Sally in Roger's grasp. Taking a leaf out of Farcquar's book, he too said:

"Bloody Hell! ERRK!"

He hadn't meant to say 'ERRK!' but was compelled to do so when Dogsbreath came through the Rip and tried to occupy the same bit of floor space. Sebastian found his view of Sally and Roger was suddenly obscured by a furry headpiece.

"What the fox hat?" he seemed to say.

"That's right, mate!" said Dogsbreath. "How d'ya ....

put up with that bloody Frontbottom? Fair dinkum, the man's a cu...

..p short of a tea-set!"

The dispensary was beginning to get more than reasonably crowded. In the corner, Sally and Rroger were struggling for air. That is, they seemed both to be gasping a great deal. Sebastian was doing all he could to get closer but there were too many droids in his way.

Sponcracker was anxious to talk to Roger, too.

He programmed a couple of droids to force a path through to the dispensary corner where Sally and Roger had been forced onto the bed.

They appeared to be adjusting their clothing as Sponcracker arrived (followed very closely by Sebastian).

"Roger," said Sponcracker. "I need ...."

"Excuse me, Miss!" said Sebastian. "Who is this sailor?" He pointed at Roger.

Sponcracker pointed a remote control device at a nearby droid and pushed a button. The droid grabbed Sebastian by the seat of the pants and the scruff of the neck and plodded off towards the dispensary door with Sebastian struggling in the droid's metallic grasp.

"Roger," said Sponcracker. "I need to get you back aboard ..."

or at least back a space of two.
"Not bloody likely, sport " said Roger, who had finally managed to be involved in a consensual experience with a member of the opposite sex. "You're not taking that away from me, I coped OK when you stripped me of my Vc and bar, but you are not depriving me of my future wife!"
"Damn strait (straight?) !" added Sally, showing her intentions.
"I intend," she added...

".... and I shall say this only once ..."

The was a loud ripping sound and the dispensary became even more crowded as Michelle and the (very attractive) girls of the Resistance materialised through the Rip.

" 'Oo colled us?" asked Michelle. " 'Allo, 'Allo Roger!" she added with a sexy smile.

"Who is this person in the trenchcoat, beret and anle socks, Roger?" said Sally.

"Just a moment!" said Michelle. Addressing Sally, she said: "Did you just say: 'I shall say this only wence?' "

"Er, well ... I may have," said Sally. "But who are you and why are you and your friends dressed in that odd attire?"

"I am Michelle of zer Resistance!" said Michelle. "You have used zer code phrase to summon us through zer Reep. I 'ope for your sake zat zis ees not a false alarm!"

Roger hurriedly intervened. "No, Michelle! It's a real emergency! Sponcracker will explain! Won't you Halfrit?" He nodded encouragingly in the direction of the droid techo.

"Yerss," said Sponcracker.

"Well, zat ees OK zen," said Michelle. "Ah reemember our leetle episode, Roger, on zat peeculiar vessel!" She smiled anozzer (sorry!) another sexy smile at Roger. This had two quite different effects on, reading from left to right, Roger and Sally.
(Readers may wish to refer to Post # 699 for a reminder of the last time Roger encountered Michelle).

Sally was not amused ....

Nor was Queen Lizzy who said 'What is this rot? 987 post and not a mention of Us...and on our 80th Birthday!!! To the tower with the instigator unless We are given an honrable mention or better still I will abdicate and let em have Our next in line to deal with'
with that a hush fell over the dispensary as the full implication became lucid. 'Oh dear' said Sally.......................

this is a right royal stuff up........

"What we need," continued Her Maj "is some assistance from that nice young man who told me lots of anecdotes whilst he did my portrait on the telly the other night, Rolf something or other....

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. " He's an Aussie, y'know. Comes from Perth. I remember ...."

But, just as Frontbottom took a long pull at his pipe and the throng in the dispensary resigned themselves to another of Dogsbreath's reminiscenses (this one featuring none other than Rolf! :eek: ), through the Rip stepped Staines, fingering a 12-string guitar and singing:-

"Well I….
Said I …
Well I …
Went up the companionway this mornin’
Well I …
Went up the companionway this mornin’
Trod on some of them companions there ….
Went up the companionway this mornin’
Trod on some of them ol’ companions there ….
Saw that Mother Farcquar on the poop deck!
Man! Too much for this poor boy to bear ….


"Well I …
Said I …
Well I …
Swabbed down the maindeck this mornin’
Well I …
Swabbed down the maindeck this mornin’
Shiploads of Groans’ muesli everywhere
Swabbed down the maindeck this mornin’
Shiploads of Ol’ Groans' muesli everywhere
He’s been firin’ that arquebus this mornin’
That Ol’ Groans, he don’t even try to care!

"I got me the Rip in the Fabric of the Universe Blues
My baby don’t love me and I’m payin’ my dues;
But that Rip in the Fabric of the Universe
Makes my life just so much worse!....."

Everyone was gob-smacked. However, instead of confirming their gobsmackedness, as characters in these chronicles are wont to do, they burst into spontaneous applause.

Staines was ....

overcome. "I'm overcome" he said. (sorry Col;) )
"I didn't know if I could play that piece without Rolf to accompany me on the wobble board."
And as if on cue...

The cook, Captain Cook-Bastard appeared through the rip, doing his best to sing, in what he mistakenly imagined was a Mississippi blues fashion the following:

You betta come on, in my kitchen,
'cause it's goin' to be rainin' outdoors

Staines couldn't believe it.

"Cook-Bastard" he exclaimed "I didn't know you .....

could sing while pogoing along the deck with...................

all those hamsters staring pop eyed at the rip...

the hamsters made a hurried exit when they spied "el Muncho" the famed hamster eater record holder stepping onto the deck.
Every hamster worth its weight in salt reconized him, there was no hamster safe in the universe from "el Muncho"......................

for he was, in fact the muffin stealing mongrel who lives by the silent sea. He said as ha arrived
"I hear you are looking for a really tall good looking drummer...

"Correct," said Hieronymus Hamster, "- and far be it from me to make any disparaging comments about the possibility of your failing to meet any or all of the selection criteria. You need to see the crusty old sea-faring gentleman on the maindeck. The one who is, even as we speak, unbuckling his capacious pantaloons in anticipation of your imminent arrival. He goes by the name of (forgive me, ahem!): Seaman Staines."

Staines gazed astern where the newcomer was engaged in conversation at the taffrail. Picking up his twelve-string, he strummed an anticipatory chord and kicked his pantaloons free of his feet, where they had unceremoniously gathered in untidy folds. He sang:-

"Well I ....
Said I ...."

"Said I........ shiver me timbers, I forgot the words!"

Meanwhile, back in the school's dispensary, the assembled throng were wondering what had happened to Staines.

"What's happened to Staines?" Some of them chorused.

Roger rolled his eyes heavenwards. "He's gone back through the Rip!" he said. "That's the obvious explanation. And anyway, we have more important business to concern us than worrying about Staines - even if he has just revealed a hitherto unrecognised ability to sing the Blues! We have to get to the bottom of this business with the Nemo Corporation, Sponcracker's droids and ...."