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... mistake them for furry bedroom slippers.
Vyvyen, whilst atempting to put one of the ALFs on his right foot, was startled to be addressed by said ALF:-
"Oy!" said the alien life form. "If you are attempting to ingratiate yourself with me, shoving your horribly dirty foot up my bottom is unlikely to do the trick!'
Vyvyen's reaction was a joy to behold. He ...
look through the drawers and cupboards for the container of hallucinogenic drug called 'Boggle'.
They found it and took some and their minds boggled as expected...........
Maaaan, this is cooool' exclaimed the long haired pierced one, 'long nosed cats man'.
The aliens, horified that they had somehow wound up here responded................
"Now children," said Sally. "As you can see, the phenomenom of passing from one universe to another has once again caused a shift in the space/time continuum and two separate events seem to be occurring simultaneously. You have one alien life form being assaulted in a very distressing manner by this Vyvyen character while the others are busy being horrified at having arrived in a strange plot line. So what do we call this literary convention? Anyone?"
"Please miss! Please miss!" A group of sycophantic teacher's pets at the front of the class waved beseeching hands in the air. Sally ignored them and pointed at her most unruly student: Billy, who was - as usual - intent on excavating the contents of his nasal passages at the back of the class.
"Billy! Stop that at once!" said Sally. "Now, what do we call this literary convention?"
"It's a ****-up, Miss," said Billy.
Sally was ....
horrified that he couldn't spell ****** properly for it should be **** unless spelled with a PH and two K's, which grammatically is incorrect.
She went on to chastise Billy and lectured how to avoid alliteration. Always.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Remember to never split an infinitive. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos, even for aliens wearing foilies. One should never generalize.
Billy then removed his wrist from his nostril, inspected the colourful swirls of thickened artistic nostril droppings in his palm, looked up at Sally and responded 'Huh?'
Oh Gawd, said Sally, I think we have a deserter from the other side of the rip.
With this Billy stood up and...............
... was counted.
"One," said a bloke who had just entered the classroom.
"Who are you?" said Sally.
"I'm the Head Counter," said the bloke. "You all appear to have the appropriate number of heads. Except for Zaphod over there and the two Tasmanians, of course." He left the room.
"Zaphod? Tasmanians? What on earth was he talking about?" said Sally.
Billy, meanwhile, had stepped through a crack in the wallpaper. The crack was of course ....
an ersatz door..........
which can be purchased at any doors'r'us store just beside the elevator doors for the advertised price less 10% for regular customers who are wearing foil beanies.
Whilst there you will notice a poster of Sir William Churchill, complete with speech bubble saying
"This is the sort of pedantry up with which I will not put!"
.
.
.
But once more digress, I do.
Once you purchase said door you will be able to step through bringing all of us onto the bridge of the spaceship stolen by Zaphod whilst fleeing from the head counter.
This ship which was powered by the infinite improbability drive, and as such it is amazing that it hasn't featured in this improbable tale earlier, was called ....
The Rat's Rectum.
which was the nickname of Sir William Churchill, the lesser known brother of Sir Winston Churchill.
Of course now we are in search of a bunch of Petunia's masquarading as a whale...................
who was born just in time to...
slip through TRITFOTU and surface off the port bow of the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
"Thar she blows" bellowed Staines from his position athwart the Crow's Nest.
The crew turned as one and cast their collective gaze upon the Mother Farquar.
Mother F was non-plussed at this and in a quavering voice said ......
Where's me knickers?
The Hole In The Drawers Gang materialised over the taffrail still collectively (they were now known as the Hole In The Drawers Collective) wearing a pair of the afore-mentioned lady's unmentionables. They improvised a very dubious clog version of a sailor's hornpipe, jumped down onto the poop deck, slipped in the poop, described a collective backward somersault with splat and landed on their collective knees saying, collectively:-
"Tah-Daaah!"
"Me knickers!' quoth the Mother Farcquar and she ...
heaved her formidable bulk in the direction of the aformentioned clog dancing collective and started laying about her indiscriminately.
'Pinch a lady's knickers would you, you pinko clog fanciers'.
'Take that, and that and that' she cried as she booted the lead clog dancer up the clacker.
Retrieving her now somewhat worse for wear knickers she turned on the crew who had an apalled look on their collective faces.
Raising herself to her full hight she bellowed ......
“I’m bankrupt!” It seems Farcquar’s Mum, although well, owed
A great deal of ackers, spondoolicks and greenbacks
To the government in the form of some duties and back-tax.
“So what!” cried the crew. “We don’t care if you’re banjaxed!”
“You’ve bullied and cowed us so we can’t even relax
At smoko. We’re constantly worried you’ll come and attack us
And now poor Captain Nemo has …"