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a wall of fog stretching across the horizon like some impenetrable curtain.
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“Where did that come from” said the captain
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“Where’s the captain” said the boson
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It’s awfully dark in here!
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And as the boat sailed into the unknown darkness …. it happened …. THUD …
THUDenly the fog cleared and all was well as well can be. The captain said " I'll go he!" The crew collectively said " Oh not again, he makes a better she"...........
This rattled the captain, who decided someone needed a bloody good flogging and it didn’t really matter who. So trying to look menacing he started to walk the deck.
Now throughout all of this (62 pages and not a mention) Clive and Dud had been sat on the side rails catching the breeze and watching proceedings.
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Clive “F**king ungrateful b**tards couldn’t tie their own bl**ding shoe laces without the help of the olde Captain”
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Dud “F*ing right”
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Clive “”B*m boys and nancies the lot of em”
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Now this was Clive and Dud’s simple way of giving the Captain, their “host” some moral support.
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During this light conversation a dark shadow fell upon them as the man himself walked by. “Hey, Clive that b*stards filthy and corrrr get a whiff of that, he mustn’t have had a wash since we boarded – 62 pages ago” Dud had a very delicate sense of smell along with superb eye sight.
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Clive, never one to miss a good opportunity said “Ya know I bet we could find some warm but slightly damp spots for the night on that fella”
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“Okay” said Dud, and with that the two fleas jumped on to the back of the Captain unnoticed and started looking for somewhere warm and dark to bed down for the night.
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The Captain felt even more irritated as he walked along! … “”hey you, yes you - you lazy scum bag …..
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..stop scratching your bum, anyone would think we had fleas.....
...and I, for one, run a vermin-free ship. Indeed, the last time we had vermin was when, thanks to Dogsbreath, we had crabs on the dunny seat. I personally P'd them off.
Clive & Dud chuckled to themselves and moved netherwards on the captain's back....
"Well Children," said whatsername, "what do you think of the late introduction of this pair? Are they a pastiche of Rosencratz and Guildenstern? Do you think they will play a pivotal role in the proceedings from now on, or are they merely a cul de sac in the plot line?"
As the Captain berated the poor scum bag, Clive and Dud had found a “rip in the fabric” of the captains undergarments and were settling in for the night – they where as happy as pigs in mud.
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Dud “You know this reminds me of Harry”
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Clive “Farking hell .. everything reminds you for that F*ing pig”
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Dud “Well he was a really nice guy, we sent some nice warm nights on him and he was really good company”
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Clive “So your point is?”
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Dud “well I used to love his stories and how he just loved to rolling in the mud. It’s cruel being a pig onto a ship with no mud, and where did he go? I haven’t seen him since page four and no one mentioned that!”
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Clive rolled his big flea eyes “Gawd, your so bl**ding naïve sometimes Dud”
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Dud “Whacha mean”
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“Well I’m sorry to tell you this but the crew ate Harry just after page 4” Clive grinned.
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Dud “Wayyawhoooo – poor little fella”
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Clive “You remember those lovely smells just after the crew got up a while back?”
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Dud “Yep”
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Clive “Bacon sandwiches – the last of Harry”
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Dud “Wayyawhoooo – poor little fella”
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“That reminds me” said Clive “We haven’t had dinner yet and it’s getting late”. Occasionally Clive could string a whole sentence together without a single curse (this was very rare).
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And with that they …..
"Yes, definitely a cul de sac," said whatisface, you know the one that's always getting aggressive, "I doubt their duologue will last too much longer, once the Mother Farquar becomes aware of their presence."
And with that, a shrilling cry came from on high, and without word of a lie, a great steaming pile of bird droppings thudded to the deck, narrowly missing the discoursing fleas.
"Albatros!!" shouted someone. "Albatros!!" they were heard to repeat.
"For God's sake, the captain cried, "don't shoot the bast..."
Ptwang!!
"Too late..."
"We were the first that ever burst into the silent sea..."
And all was still ...
.. as confusing as it had ever been aboard the Good Ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
For the shot that had seemed to fell the albatross had, once more, been fired by leading Artificer Groans with his ancient arquebus, loaded as it was with ...
Albatross droppings!!
(that's why I'm no sailor: can't spell Albatross) :p
But everything was still still :D
"Unless my hearing's playing up," said Groans. "There seems to be an echo on the main deck!"
"Your hearing! Playing up?!?" scoffed Staines. "is this likely? I mean, is this even remotely possible? Your hearing, which has been a byword for years throughout the Spanish Main, playing up?!? Impossible! Utterly impossible! Hah!"
Such was the extent, scope and range of Staines' scorn that he had twisted his pantaloons so far sideways that his front faced 43 degrees off the mean. This caused him to walk diagonally across the maindeck and brought his shins into painful contact with a bulwark. This, in turn, tripped him and he found himself face down in the afore-mentioned steaming pile of albatross droppings.
He levered himself, glutinously, to a kneeling (and, it must be said, highly smelly) position just as Frontbottom sauntered past.
"I say, Staines!" quoth the Royal Marine. " Do stop wallowing around in that pile of offensive guano! You're making one hell of a stench!"
He sauntered away ...
not realising thta this was the serve of the day on this ship of the line ..............
Staines rose slowly to a crouching, ape-like stance. Great skeins of a diaphanous membrane-like substance stretched like wings beneath his arms and legs. Festoons of globulous guano swung from his elbows, nose and ears. An appalling rancid stench hung about him like a foul miasma. He was, in summary, not a pretty sight.
(Well .... even at the best of times Staines was not a pretty sight but his present circumstances were so far beyond pretty as to require some wholly different scale of description).
The captain considerd Staines, his head on one side. On the whole, he thought he preferred Staines' ludicrous imitation of a Regency dandy to this shyt-stricken wretch.
"Y'know," he observed to Frontbottom. "On the whole, I think I preferred Staines' ludicrous imitation of a Regency dandy to this shyt-stricken wretch."
Frontbottom was about to reply when a harrowing cry arose from Staines' direction.
"AAAARRGH!" he yelled. "LOOK AT ME BLOODY UNIFORM! I'M ALL COVERED IN ALBATROSS POO! HOW'M I GONNA GET THIS MESS OFF ME KIT?!!?"
To say that Groans was surprised is to understate the case.
"I'm surprised!" he said. "In fact that is understating the case! I didn't realise you took that much pride in your uniform, Staines!"
"STAINS?!?" said Staines. "STAINS?!? THESE AREN'T STAINS! I'M COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE IN A THICK LAYER OF BLOODY ALBATROSS POO AND YOU TALK ABOUT STAINS!"
"No, no, shipmate," said Groans in a soothing and placatory manner. "You misunderstand. When I said 'Staines', I was addressing you, not referring to the discolouration of your uniform. It's because your name is Staines, y'see. Sounds exactly like a mark or discolouration. Easy mistake to make. No need to apologise."
"WILL YOU STOP YAMMERING YOU DEAF OLD BASTARD!!!" Staines was clearly upset. "IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN YOU GO ROUND ASKING PEOPLE TO REPEAT THEMSELVES BUT THIS .... THIS ..... BLOODY .... CRAPPY .... I CAN'T ..... I'VE HAD ENOUGH ..... THAT'S IT!"
He lurched towards Groans, hands reaching towards the Leading Artificer's throat. Groans backed away from the awful apparition and, in so doing ......
... tripped over the body of the deceased Diomedeidae Diomedea, which had plummeted to the deck not moments before, and lurched backwards over the side. Now as anyone who has ever tripped over a dead albatross and fallen over the side of a ship will know, ...
... it helps if you can swim.
Groans could. He did.
After disappearing briefly below the surface, he rose into the view of all those now lining the rail. Blowing a thin stream of salty water from his pursed lips, he yelled .....
"Where the bloody hell are you?" ...
...to which the entire crew and all the hamsters yelled back, in unison:
"What'd 'e say?"
and collapsed laughing.
"Oh! Har dee bloody har!"
Groans' words decreased in volume as he was swiftly swept away in the ship's wake.
"Groans! Mate!" yelled a shyt-stricken apparition as he flung himself over the side, a lifebelt and lifeline tucked into the encrusted guano beneath his left arm.
Just as .....
..a Japanese scientific research ship, the Sushi Maru, which had spotted Groans' saline spout, appeared over the horizon....
and the skipper called out 'arroy yeer, irratt criff rodga', not receiving a response from the drowning man the skiiper decided that this specimen in the water was indded too small to provide a sushi sample for the crew and turned about and headed for the rising sun, a popular hotel in the footscray region............
However, the stern lookout on the Sushi Maru, a beady-eyed little bugger called Eagaroo Ayee-San, had spotted the flailing figure of Staines, thrashing his way towards Groans.
Staines' albatross-crap-encrusted scone bore a striking resemblance to the frontispiece of the minke whale. This was quite sufficient for Eagaroo-Ayee!
"Whayroo-Ho!" he yelled (why the hell he didn't say this in Japanese is beyond the understanding of the present writer but let that stand).
The Sushi Maru executed a remarkably swift 180 and went from cruising to attack speed in the blink of a beady little eye. The harpoonist, Speeya Chaka San, raced to his bow-mounted weapon and primed it.
Staines, meanwhile, had reached Groans and was engaged in the complex process of wrapping the lifeline around him.
Having succeeded in preventing Staines from garrotting him, Groans was looking forward to being hauled back to the Very Little Gravitas Indeed, when an orange rubber ducky came belting past the Sushi Maru and ...
Mocca-Mocca Su Su
... who was a Greenpeace activist and in command of the rubber duck, shouted "Scientific research my aarse!!" as he (it is a he isn't it?) piloted his craft on a collision course with the Sushi Maru. "My life has been building up to this moment," thought Mocca-Mocca Su Su, as he stared certain death in the navel. It would have been the teeth, but he was quite short for his height. "This is for Nanky Poo," he shouted as he ...
... hauled his waterproof trousers southwards, bent over and mooned the crew of the Sushi Maru.
"Did I mention my aarse?" he yelled as the rubber ducky sped once down the starboard side of the whaler. Sending a huge shower of spume skywards, the rubber ducky whizzed in a tight curve round the stern of the Sushi Maru and proceeded to speed up the port side.
Mocca the activist was so busy trying to ensure he stayed aboard the rubber ducky while it performed its manoeuvres that he had neglected to adjust his position relative to the Japanese vessel. This meant that his former extremely rude mooning position on the starboard side of the vessel had become a very respectful bowing position on the port side.
This did not pass unnoticed by the whaling crew. They lined the portside rail and returned Mocca's bow.
"Ah!" said Eagaroo-Ayee-san. "Most respectafuroo acativist-san!"
Meanwhile, at the harpoon, Speeya Chaka-san was lining up his harpoon's sights on Staines and Groans!
Mocca, overtaking the Sushi Maru in his rubber ducky ...
decided that if he couldn't win the bloody archibald prize with his "save the whales" entry then he'd bloody well hit the (other) little bastards over the head with it. Whereupon he...
... headed back down the starboard side of the Sushi Maru, intent upon a bit of head-cracking.
Divining Mocca's hostile intentions, the whaler's sergeant-at-arms issued orders to defend the vessel:-
"Deparoy!" he cried. "Deparoy catching thing instrument of the Edo era!"
Instantly the crew deployed their catching thing instruments of the Edo era. They found that being effective to the ruffian, from ancient times in order to hold down partly, it is possible to hold down the ruffian by minimum power. In sudden situation same correspondence.
Waving their catching thing instruments of the Edo era above their heads like billy-o, they awaited Mocca's assault.
Fortunately for Staines and Groans ...
... Mocca had neglected to stow strangely in the compartment of going forward the string for securing of the vassel in the up and down plus sideways motion to prevent and so the approximately 10 metres of nylon twine that was trailing behind Mocca's inflatable Japanese whaler harrasser passed within grasping distance of Staines' hands. He grabbed the rope and Groans grabbed him. In a brilliant display of tandem skiing, the two assumed a barefoot position behind the rubber duck just as Mocca executed a hairpin turn. The resulting whiplash tossed Staines and Groans into the air, tumbling like a pair of tumbling things, whereupon they landed on the deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed, where, it has to be said that as a result of the crew watching all of this, there was very little gravitas indeed.
"Well," said ...
... Dogsbreath. "That made a bit of a change, eh? Reminds me of the time when Wokka Smith got pulled into the floods on his back paddock ..."
"Yes. Thank you Dogsbreath," said the captain, intervening quickly before Dogsbreath could get started on another of his interminable reminiscenses. "Seaman Staines! You appear to have successfully removed the offensive material from your uniform!"
Staines looked down at his kit. It was true! Although soaked, his uniform was free of the sticky encrustations that had sparked off all the trouble! Not a glint or a globule of guano remained. Staines was delighted. For a moment or two.
"So," continued the captain. "Lay forrard and collect a shovel then remove the corpse of the albatross and shovel the rest of that pile of stinking manure over the side. Off you go, man!"
"But ....but..." spluttered Staines. "I mean ...
...t to tell you that I was thinking about that Albatross and it looked familiar. It reminds me of an albatross I had as a kid.
(Cue dreamy music)
I remember walking along the beach one day with my family when we came across this tiny grey little thing. It looked like it had just hatched. Anyway, I picked it up and took it home. We put it in our canary cage and fed the little guy, well after a year or so we figured out that the bird was an albatross, but of course by this time it had grown too big to be let out of the cage, actually, it had grown too big to move in the cage...
(end of dreamy music)
So Captain, Sir, Oh Most Esteemed One, can I keep it? P-p-p-p-p-please?"
...
"What?" roared the captain
"Like the time you wanted to keep that upimself Irish hoofer, Moichael O"Flatulence? Certainly bloody not!!!"
Whereupon, as if on cue...
... there was a really irritating high-speed clattering sound and himself appeared, arms stiff at his side, knees hammering up and down, heels and toes beating the seven bells of hell out of the nice clean maindeck.
Moichael's terpsichorean progress described a wide arc across the deck. He was so bloody pleased with himself that he tossed back his flowing locks, flashed a broad upimself grin at the throng on the poop deck and closed his eyes. In this, he made a severe error.
His feet, a hammering, clattering blur, made momentary contact with the oozing edge of the pile of albatross poo. A momentary contact was all it took.
Moichael's feet were suddenly at the same elevation above mean sea level as his head. Before he had time to wonder at this abberation, he disappeared over the taffrail. (Several of the more facetiously-inclined hamsters were moved to shout 'Ole!" as he zoomed over their chubby-cheeked little heads).
Realising that, yet again, the immediate future contained for him a good deal of cold green salty water, Moichael just had sufficient time to pass comment: "ERK!!!" he said.
There was a splash.
"Well," said Dogsbreath. "Who the hell was that cocky bas...."
basejumper smelling like pelican poo, it could only be.....
Yet again, Dogsbreath was interrupted by the captain:
"Wait!" quoth the captain. "What's this?"
("Starve the bloody lizards!" muttered Dogsbreath from beneath his fox hat. "A man can't open his flamin' mouth around here!").
"What's this?" The captain pointed astern to where the Sushi Maru was executing an unusual manoeuvre, pulling round in a tight circle with most of the crew hanging over the gunwales with their catching thing instruments of the Edo era.
It became clear that they were attempting to rescue Moichael O'Flatulence, who had surfaced near the Sushi Maru.
Deploying their catching thing instruments of the Edo era much effectiveness becoming apparent with less vigorous action in sudden situation. Rescue for drowning victim more promising for attachment in limbs. Head and neck attachment being unadvised in healthful rescue in case impediment for sudden asphyxiation emergency.
The latter constraint became very evident as Moicheal was hoisted from the ocean by the enthusiastic whalers. Several of them had secured their catching thing instruments of the Edo era about Moichael's neck. They removed them as Moichael flapped about on the whaler's flensing deck. He recovered his wits but not all of his composure as he sucked air into his lungs.
"Tanks a bloody lot fer savin' me hoide!" he gasped. "If dere's a next toime, ye moight try grappling me about some less voital part of me anatomy! Jayz! Oi tought Oi was a goner to be sure!"
The whaler's captain, Nakalaka-san, stepped forward:
"Prease!" he said. "No thanks necessary! Crew need practice with catching thing instruments of the Edo era! Happy to use to effect rescue!" He bowed.
"Well," said Moichael. "Perhaps, instead off tanking ye, Oi could dance for ye....."
Shortly afterwards, the crew of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed observed the crew of the Sushi Maru hurling something into the ocean. Down the wind came a faint but familiar cry:
"Errk!"
There was a splash .......
and an all too familiar ripping sound as the ritfotu saved the crew from anymore jibberish instrument thingy talk or anymore of mr imself.
The crew were transported unsurprisingly to...
the famed eatery which had the best makers (chef sounds so mmmmmmmmm blaise) of all things culinary the Restaraunt At The End Of The Universe upon which the crew threw their...............
hats. Why they did this none of them knew - it just seemed the right thing to do at the time. However, without their headwear to help recognise each other there was a lot of sheepish looking folk who were only just realising that they had never bothered to take the time to look UNDER the hats of the crew and wouldn't know each other from the proverbial bar of soap. Of course, since this was the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, soap had of course evolved into a sentient being by now and in fact Seaman Staines was rapidly being chatted up by such a piece of soap as the rest of them clambered around trying to get their headwear back...
The crew got their headwear back in its rightful place (so they could all be recognised once more) when some unknown guy said loudly, "Where's the fox hat?" It sounded suspiciously like Dogsbreath, but they could all clearly see that Dogsbreath was chatting up Seaman Staines - although he smelled a bit more like Imperial Leather than his usual self.
This was when the headwaiter came up and...
and demanded his body back which a member of the crew had removed from its traditional position ie under the head. Seeing the floating head (beats being a football) Dogsbreath came over and said 'hey you'll never get ahead like that I can tell ya .....I remember one time in botany bay..................
there was this woman tied to the railway line...
Because if someone wasn't there to hold it down, the railway line might just up and float away, anyway back to my fascinatin' anecdote ...
Ophelia Merkin was confused.
Which, considering that she was the VLGI's computer was a rather worrying development.
The reason that she was confused was because at one moment the ship had been travelling helter skelter towards a rather alarming Black Hole and the next was sailing a deep blue sea and having an encounter with the whaling ship The Sushimi Maru and her very strange crew equiped with the equally starnge "catching things of the Edo era".
"It's no good" she thought to herself, "the only thing for it is to re-boot myself." So she did.
This was not a good thing for those aboard the good ship The Very Little Gravitas Indeed however. Because....