.... especially one with such beautifully carved gronicles....
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.... especially one with such beautifully carved gronicles....
.. at the mention of gronicles, Michelle suddenly sat up, adjusted the belt of her trenchcoat and, in her sexiest voice, said to Crabtree:-
"Groneecles? Carved groneecles? I deed not kner that you 'ad carved groneecles, Mon Capitain! Eef I 'ad knern zees sooner, I would 'ave paid more attention!"
Crabtree was a little startled by this. He said:-
"Ai'm a lootle steetled by thos, Marchelle!"
However, nothing daunted, he ...
took out his wooden...
dictionary and looked up the proper pronuciation of the words he was saying.
Miraculously ...
he couln't find any words at all. " What the........................?"
it was at about this time that captain beaut walked in with the evil giant under his arm and said
"crabtree, you silly Englishman, get out of my story. As captain of this ship, I'm taking control back from you. And since I'm the captain of this ship I've got the giant persuaded to axe any of your silly posts from now on."
The crew were ecstatic and ran off to roger the cabin boy as a celebration of this reverse mutiny.
Crabtree dejectedly made his exit through the hole in the fabric of the universe and sewed it up from the other side, put a coat of shellawax over it and no one could even see it anymore.
So...
at this the motley crue burst into song.."don't you ever let a chance go by oh Lord" was heard ringing out into the night air for some time, followed by the occaisional "hic" and "has anybody seen me sparkplug"Early next morning as the crescent moon rose above the glistening sea....
... the crew became aware of an unfamiliar figure pacing to and fro on the quarterdeck. He was dressed in a belted trenchcoat and sported a porkpie hat and a heavy moustache.
They couldn't quite make out his identity but there was something uncomfortably familiar about his silhouette against the rising sun, something distinctly French, something unaccountably slightly awkward. It couldn't be Crabtree, surely? He had (very unfairly in the opinion of the present writer) been pushed out of the plot and into another universe. No, it wasn't Crabtree, so who the hell was it?
The figure spun round on one heel, sniffed and said:-
"Good merning! I 'ave some questions for you all. Wheech one of you placed a berm (" A what?" they all cried. "A berm! Do you theenk I am a ferl?") in the rerm of the captain of thees vessel?"
"A berm?" they repeated. "In the captain's rerm? What is he talking about?"
Even as the words were leaving their lips, comprehension dawned upon them. Crabtree might have been disappeared (by foul means in the opinion of the present writer - who is certain that, plot lines hereabouts being what they normally are, there is plenty of scope for his ultimate return). Crabtree might, they realised, have been disappeared but he had unquestionably been replaced by none other than the scourge of diamond thieves, the scion of the Surete, the incomparable Inspecteur Clouseau!
As realisation dawned, a small oriental shape emerged from behind the masthead. Uttering an imcomprehensible oriental oath, he leapt forward, hands poised in an unmistakable karate strike, and fell upon ...
a bomb {berm}. " you ferl, yu could have been kilt" screamed Clouseau. The small oriental gentlemen looked up from his poised phrase and said "a berm, what type of berm is it Inspector?". "Why it is the exploding type you fool" yelled Clouseau who was close to Hysteria but Hysteria being a rather posh girl thought the inspector had rather bad breath.
Clouseau contiued, "don't make one twitch of your....
... of your trembleur or eet will go off!"
"My trembler?" said Cato.
"The berm, you ferl, the berm!"
Clouseau was so incensed by the obtuseness of his manservant's response that he gesticulated wildly. His hand, tensed into the deadly shape of a karate strike, made disastrous connection with ...
the berm, which went "BURM" as it exploded and blew away this french disaster and caused a split in the terrerstial mantle allowing Crabtrees being to re-enter. In order for Crabtree to be brought back to life he needed the sexual favours of........
... of Michelle! Most emphatically: Michelle! Even Susan was a possibility but not Roger, not bloody Staines, not any of the crew of either the Good Ship Venus or the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
So, does everyone have a clear understanding of the situation here? What was going to restore the Captoon's tenuous grip on vitality was the extremely tasty Michelle. She folded a length of the fabric of the universe over the two of them - in order to gain a little privacy - and proceeded to bring Crabtree back to life.
There was a pause and then:-
"Good Moaning!"
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, because ...
Crabtree had the only keys to the.....
Dunny...............
Unfortunately no one realised the Loo had been locked up because ...
they just thought Crabtree was full of it all the time.
Anyway, back on the Gravitas Captain Beaut was trying to get underway but hull repairs (from the GMC Reef damage) were not yet completed.
"Crikey" said the Captain, "you'd think in a bloody story like this a bloke could find a couple of decent shipwrights, well at least a few chippies wood do" (wood do - chippies...sorry) . Low and behold (the hold being the thing below the deck that the Captain was standing on) at the mention of the requirement for a qualified wood butcher, who should enter the story but none other than the esteemed beared, plaid wearing....
master puppeteer and woodworker of legend and owner or the biggest .....
wooden ..
chisel ever...
... seen this side of the ...
... the obviously very durable fabric of the universe.
With chisel in hand, began to gouge out a giant mortice in to an edge of the universe. He then cut a tennon on one of the alternate universes and joined the two universes together with a spot of yellow PVA glue. was proud of the M&T gate he had created. Some people would use the Rocker Universe Morticing jig or one of the many Sturdee jigs available but was a traditionalist.
Suddenly, from through the new M&T gate came a ...
carton of polo shirts adorned with a likeness of 's newest creation for all to wear to ww shows. Upon seeing this, Michelle...
.fell to her knees in front of and ...
begged to be deleted. lifted his ...
corners of his mouth and smiled, saying .....
whats a matter you, hey, shut upayah face.................
"I couldda bin a liftin ma shirta insteadda ma mout. Musta be gettin olde" He said tucking his shirt in and helping Michelle up off her knees. She fought him off vigorously and wanted to remain on her knees because she .....................
saw there was a nasty pizza stain on the carpet, that she so wanted, this girl would eat anything ( keep it clean ), even old pizza off the carpet.Why!! she even ate from the dogs bowl, haveing biffed up the dog first.
This is one mean girl, or is she really a girl ( insert dramatic music here )........
... (all the actors look up at the sound of the music. They look at each other, shrug, and go back into character) (now wheree was I?) or is she really a girl misunderstood? "Yes," cries Michelle "I erm misoonderstood. Queet a lot rahlly. It's becoose of this uttrageous Fronch eccent".
At this, Captain Pugwash sprang, once again, to his feet. (And once again it is worthy of mention that this did not entail any very impressive athleticism on Pugwash's part - his inside leg measurement being well within the scope of quite a short tape measure).
Once having regained an upright stance, Pugwash stumped across to Michelle's side and, gazing upwards at her with what he fondly - and inaccurately - believed to be a seductive smile, said:-
"I find your accent quite charming, m'dear. And I have understood every word you have said."
"Well, sank yew, Mon Capitaine," said Michelle, patting Pugwash on the head. "Yew are a vairy gallant leetle Engleesh saileeng personne. Now, everyone! Leesten vairy carefoolly, for I shall say zees only wence ...."
"neever pit all yur chikerns in ze one hat, no no, wat ze goz aroun comz ze back to yur, no no, mezour thrice cut twice Oh I gives zis ow doz you says it, sayings to the burds.
However, just on the other side of the universal joint a bunch of rather fiercesome Klingons were preparing to attack all and sundry (they didn't know that sundry was on holidays at the time) just as soon as the re-runs of F-Troop had finished on Foxtel.
Meanwhile in another part of the Delta Quadrant every woodies hero Clunk Hardwood had just finished shooting the bejesus out of about 49 tree hugging greenies. The last of tree huggers sat trembling while Clunk learned over him with his 50 round Paslode coil nailer. Clunk said "I know what your thinking.....
punk! Is this gun loaded or did he fire his last shot! Punk! Run, and "make my day"
... you're thinking that a GMC nailer would have been cheaper and would have a 2-year warranty (for home, not trade, use). However, my little tree-hugging greenie person, the fact is that I, like many dedicated woodworking people, feel very strongly about the issue of quality versus low price. Er, am I, by any mischance, boring you?" (Clunk had noticed that the greeny's eyes were beginning to glaze over)
"Oh no!" said the tree-hugger. "Not at ...
"not another MIK Catalogue freak!. Lord Help me" screamed the tree hugger, and the Time Lord of woodies voice was heard from overhead "Nope not today, sorry" so Clunk pumped another 25 rounds into the greenie because he had bought the optional 100 round extender mag :).
At this point Clunk Hardwood (the woodies hero) was hell bent on eliminating all wood chippers from the universe, however he was blissfully unaware of the impending Klingon invaision back at 's big M&T.
"Today" said Clunk "might just be a good day to...
have a barbie in the bush
or to try on that new dress I got or ...
do my Captain Mainwaring impression.
"No, bugger it" thought Clunk. "Instead I'll just stretch out under this tree and have a nap"
So Clunk slipped off into the land of nod where he had a most curious dream indeed.
He dreamed he was on a leaky submarine that had ....
fly wire doors...................
all of a sudden Clunk realised the leaks were due to ...